31 Months

MacKenzy...
Yesterday you turned 31 months. I know I should stop counting months, but each one is so different from the last- I can't help myself!

Right now you're standing beside me coloring on your new easel dry-erase board that you got from "Santa" while at Grandma and Papa's house on Sunday. We celebrated Christmas a week early because Grandma, Papa, and Uncles Mitch & Matt are going to Mexico again this year. Celebrating a week earlier is actually a lot easier on me and your daddy, but it also drags out the fun for you. You just drew an actual heart, more like a kidney but you were pretty happy to call it a heart.

In the last month you have challanged your dad and I to no end. We're still dealing with sleeping issues...if you would only sleep in your bed, the world would be a brighter place each morning! Last week I swore I was going to outlast you, and all I got was a trip to the Chiropractor. For a full 30-minutes I stood outside your bedroom door waiting for you to step outside your room. When you did, I picked you up and put you back in your bed without saying a word. It broke my heart and maybe a little giggle each time you had a plea,

"Mama I'm Happy!"

"Mama I'm Beary Happy!"

"Mama I Cry No More, k?"

At one point you grabbed my hand and said, "Let's Talk" and you took my hand and led me to the staircase... just as I had done to you only 40-minutes earlier.

No matter how bad I wanted to give in, I knew that if I let you win I'd never hear the end of it from your dad. After a half-hour your dad took over standing guard at your door. Within 15-minutes you were fast asleep in his arms. You were physcially exhausted.

Watching the wonders of the Christmas Holiday through your eyes is exactly what makes life worth living. You gasp at the sight of Christmas lights, and when you see anything remotely Christmas-like you shout, "Christmas!"

I can't wait for Christmas...you are going to be so much fun to watch.

The Fear of Santa

MacKenzy talks a big game when people ask her if she's told Santa what she wants for Christmas. She will say that she asked for "Dora presents!" Her actual response to the jolly old man was to glare at the floor while burning signs of the devil into floor. So far all of her photos with Santa and the Easter Bunny have included one or both of us.

Why do we subject ourselves, not to mention the kids, to this misery? It's not funny while we're standing in line for two hours watching each and every kid in front of you wig out! You know you're kid isn't going to be any different, yet we wait.

Hence! The reason we don't go to the mall Santa, but to Bachman's where there are floral displays so there is still chance of a good Christmas card shot! Their Santa is awesome, but until she thinks he's a cool guy we'll be sticking to the other displays!

The following shots are for your humor, not to mention my own. I found them on a site that strictly posts 'freaked out by Santa' shots. What's funny to me is actually looking at Santa, not the kids!

There's SUCKER Santa....some poor old man thought it would be fun to play Santa and look what he gets for it!

Gumpy Santa: I'm surprised the kids in this photo aren't screaming their heads off with this guy! He looks like he could use a nap.

Criminal Santa: This guy looks like he should be in a police line-up.

Maybe this is his disguise!

The evil Santa: I'm crying too!

There's Strung Out Santa: GET OFF THE CRACK SANTA!

Can't forget Elephantitus Santa!

Crying Santa: He's looking for a new gig!

And then the REAL Santa!

Only the REAL Santa could laugh with his lap full of screaming children!

Nice Socks!

Enough Is Enough

Okay so I'm having a hard time with this Kid Sleeping In the Wrong Bed escapade. My problem isn't so much with MacKenzy, she's two...but it's with Jason.

He is far from patient and it's all MY fault. Last night was a prime example of his inability to take a deep breath and realize that it's not going to be like this forever, nor is it the end of the world! MacKenzy and I went to bed around 8:30. I was going to start following the advice of a reader and that meant I was to lay with her until she fell asleep and then transfer her into her own bed once she was out cold. It didn't happen as quickly as I hoped so at 9:30 Jason joined us in the bed giving me the silent treatment. This is his way to inform me that he's angry with me. The fun part is trying to figure out WHY! I can only assume one of two things...our friend Chris came over unexpectedly and naturally it's my fault because he wanted to spend a quiet night at home. The other thing is that I went into the bedroom with MacKenzy rather than sit out in the living room with him...though he watches TV in the bedroom all the time. I guess that's only okay for him. Come On! I was watching Dora the Explorer! Not really my idea of a relaxing time!

Once he came to bed MacKenzy was still a little squirmy and I did my best to keep her close to me so as to not set him off. Within 5 minutes of him laying down with us he freaked and took her to her room. After about another 15-20 minutes of her screaming he went back in and told her she could sleep on our floor...with her mattress. She was game for that! As he set his mattress down he started in on me, "Why do I have to always be the bad guy!"

"Because you flip out and the things that bother you don't necessarily bother me!"

MacKenzy begged me to lay down on her mattress with her and to keep Jason from flipping out again, I crawled beside her. I could hear him mumbling something to the fact that I always give her her way...blah blah blah! I just ignored him and within 5 minutes MacKenzy was out cold and I climbed back into bed. She slept the entire night without a peep.

This morning when he got up she woke up but was really happy and was saying, "Morning Daddy!" with a hug grin on her face. He simply made a half-hearted smile and said, "Morning Kenzy."

I'm starting to think both Mommy and Kenzy need to get a bed in Kenzy's room. What a baby!

This isn't something new either, it all started from the day I brought her home the hospital. If you are a male or a female that has never nursed a child, you have absolutely no right to comment on anything related to my boobs or the child's eating!! And you have no right to comment on me falling asleep during the night feedings!!

Jason would get so pissed when I'd fall asleep on our reclining couch while nursing MacKenzy. He would say that I was going to make it so she wouldn't sleep on her own..blah blah blah! Looking back on it I should have said that he had to get up with me for every feeding and keep me awake if that was such a worry of his. I was exhausted, and until you've done it you have no idea how draining it is! And despite it all I will do it all over again!

Funny thing is, the sleeping in our bed thing was started by Jason...or so in my opinion it was. Jason usually gets at least one day a week where he doesn't have to go into work and on those days he keeps MacKenzy home. Over the summer they'd crawl into our bed to watch TV or a DVD together. It was quickly learned that if she slept in her room her naps were an hour or so, but in our bed they were usually about 3 hours! Daddy got a nice long nap or got some computer time. I can't say that I'm completely innocent, but truly it started with Dad.

So here we are...Jason isn't talking to me for whatever reason. And our kid's sleeping patterns are all messed up!!

Yippee for the weekend!!!

Mommy needs a break for crabby Daddy and needy Kenzy! When that happens she's be 18 and he'll finally have learned....or so I can only hope!

Phoebe's Name Change

Okay so Phoebe is far from a common name...and seriously after "Friends" who would really name their child that? She was a fun character to watch, but I wouldn't want my own children named after her! I like the name Monica but wouldn't use the name either....she'd be noradic!

When you pick a name for your child it has to have TWO things... the name can't remind you of someone that you can't stand or relate to a bad memory. For me, I could never name my son Paul....not that I like the name anyway, but the one person I can say I truly say I hated in high school was a guy named Paul. He was incredibly mean to mean, however it wasn't as if he was sooooo cool himself. I wasn't a geek or anything, but I wasn't hanging out with the "A" crowd either. A girl's name that sticks out is Heather...well, and Jamie. Heather was a girl that was just the biggest snot ever...and Jamie was a girl that I got into a fist fight with at a girl's basketball game.


So with that said....why would someone name their kid BeBe?? It may be a cultural thing or it may just be a crazy name, I don't know. The thing is a few days ago I had to track down a company in California to do some work for us...at work...and I tracked down a person I thought was PHOEBE. She had agreed to help us out and gave me all of her contact information. When she gave me her email address I didn't think twice when I heard, "pwaxx@..." I thought her name was Phoebe!

For the last two days I've been emailing her without a response. I was seriously thinking, "What a bitch!" As I'm sure you've already figured out, I had it all wrong...her name is BeBe! I was emailing "pwaxx@..." when it should have been "bwaxx@..."

Now if you had an abnormal name like that would't you go out of your way to be 100% sure the person on the other end of the conversation totally was in the know?? I had a difficult to spell last name growing up and I learned to spell it out for e.v.e.r.y.o.n.e. ! Not only did I spell it, but I made sure I paused at the right time and said things like, "F" as in Frank...so they didn't substitute "S" instead.

So with that....if you're name is out of the ordinary, please be kind and make sure everyone else has got your name right !!!

Thank you.

The Spiral Effect

There's the Butterfly Effect, and then there's Spiral Effect as Dooce so eloquently put it.

I have never named my "issue" but the Spiral Effect seems to be a perfect fit. I've never really thought of myself as a worrier, but when I really break it down that's exactly what I am...I just keep it all inside while I play it cool.

The tiniest of things have the potential get out of control in my mind. For instance, last night Jason called me as I was walking into Target, "What did you buy yesterday for $138?" He wasn't angry, but he wasn't exactly bouncing off the walls with excitment either. On the spot I couldn't think of what it was, and immediately I could feel the physical changes of my anxiety. My knees were weak, my stomach turned sour, and my blood sugar seem to crash. (I have low blood sugar issues that require me to carry food with me at all times....really works wonders when I'm trying to LOSE WEIGHT!) Anytime I'm nervous or dealing with my anxiety crap my chest tightens up and I fight to take the deep breath that I need to calm down.

Back to the $138...I told Jason that we weren't going to discuss it while I was in the store and we could talk about it when I got home. I really said that because I was thinking slow on my feet! When I finally got him off the phone it clicked, I was at Target the day before. My safety net...I was shopping with a list that HE gave me!! You'd think that would have given a sigh of relief but actually it just meant that the lecture wouldn't be quite as long...so I was still dredding the worst.

I love my husband dearly, but when it comes to money...it's all my fault. It's a never ending battle that we come across every month when the bills are due. Supposedly I spend spend spend and all he does is work. He works two jobs because his full-time job schedule allows! He is a firefighter and he only works every 4th day for 24-hours. On the weekdays when he's not scheduled at the fire department he does landscaping (and in the winter, plowing). Yes he's working more hours than most people, but he's ultimately not working more days. He has a unique job. And as far as spending......I SO do not!!! I happen to do all of the shopping, so it appears as though I spend all of the money. As far as I'm concerned he can do all of the shopping, I hate it! Once in a very blue moon I actually buy myself something...the other night, I bought myself underwear!!! How exciting is that??

[Our dumb dog keeps eating my dirty underwear from the laundry room....gross, I know!!! I have tried to put them in a laundry bag...but all in all he finds a way! ]

I seriously wore the same black loafers for the last three plus years because I didn't want to spend the money on myself. Two dogs have chewed on those damn shoes and they looked like hell! I finally broke down and bought a pair two weeks ago in black and brown with MY OWN MONEY! I can only say it was "my own" because it was from a Lia Sophia commission check! I rotate the same damn outfits every week...my jeans are from TARGET!! He has no idea what it's like to have a wife that spends money!!

So back to the anxiety...once I got home I was on eggshells because I was awaiting him to bring up the conversation. When the discussion was brought up, I was ready...and once it was over everything was fine...all that stress for THAT!?!

My biggest stress in my life is actually my mother. Somewhere out in the universe there's a perfect balance of how or what I'm supposed to be for her. Her life plan for me hasn't been what I've chosen for myself. I'm almost 30 years old and she has yet to seperate herself from my own decisions. She feels the need to be the commentator to my life, and it drives me CRAZY. So here I go walking around trying to keep her at bay, and try to keep some form of harmony. It's a constant struggle...and it sucks.

In one of my first therapy sessions this summer a word was presented that perfectly discribes my mother: Irrational. As soon as that word was used it was like the light bulb of life turned on. She has irrational expectations of the people around her, but then doesn't apply them to herself. I have to find the right times to stand up to her, not to tell her off but to show her that I am my own person and that this is MY life. My therapist noted that it was best to seperate myself from the things that bother me the most and work on the small stuff first. If that meant distancing myself from my mom, then by all means. With that, when I do see her I make it a point to stay in control...and not let my anxiety show. I still have to double up on my medications when I know I'm going to see her...but for the most part I avoid all topics that would cause any sort of conflict.

Baby Steps.

My new goal in life....has nothing to do with fame and fortune (well, the fortune would be appreciated!) it has to do with not passing this down to my daughter. I don't want her to learn it from me, and I don't want her environment to influence it either.

The spiral stops here.

Remember that Diet thing...

I was just reviewing my posts....and thought I'd update the Diet posts...

Day ONE..............I have yet to make it to Day Two. Sad...but true.

I am however aware of what I'm eating and weighing my options a bit more.

Someday....I'll get my shit together.

Plastic Surgery

If you could change one thing about your appearance, what would it be?

Since I was in Junior High I've hated three facial features:

My high forehead- When I have bangs it's not really an issue, but the bangs are the issue. I hate having the hair in my face, and hate that I can't just pull my hair back and go...you've always got to style at least the bangs.

My upper-lip....or the lack-there-of! I can't exactly hide it, so I've come to terms with it over the years.

My Chin- From as long as I can remember I've called it my Butt-Chin. It's really called a cleaf-chin, but regardless of what you call it I would rather go on without it.


My sister-in-law works for a reputible Plastic Surgeon in the area, so over the years we've joked that I could get the "family discount!" Really, I could never imagine myself actually doing such a thing...but then again...

Literally I just got off the phone with my boss all of 10 minutes ago...and she's on her way home from getting her "elective procedure" done. By a totaly coincidence my sister-in-law actually assisted on my boss' surgery...small world. I wasn't expecting to hear from my boss, Jess, for a few days...but when she called she was her same ol' self. The pain meds were working!

Jess and I have similar body structure, she's just a few inches taller. In the two and a half years that I've worked with Jess she has always been dieting. For almost a year she had a personal trainer, but her problem areas never improved. She's had two children and the normal baby pooch women get was a constant nagging for her. No amount of sit-ups would help.

When I gain weight it goes directly to the ass....for Jess, to her boobs. She's always had a "healthy" looking chest, but her dream of a reduction is the same dream that I imagine when I can't fill out a shirt...I just WANT boobs!

Jess contimplated plastic surgery after her two neighbors (that are sisters) had breast reductions last year. Then again early this fall one of those neighbors also had a tummy tuck. Though that person had serious complications (and is now completely fine and doing (and looking) great!), Jess went in for a consiltation. After the doctor told her that she could do sit-ups like crazy and her stomach would never be near flat again...she signed on. The bonus of it all ...she has a tattoo of a sun on her lower stomach, that with two pregnancies has turned into a comet!!! The doctor was happy to announce that he could make that disappear too!!

For the next three to five weeks I'll be doing the things that Jess normally does....

Work will be lonely without her........how many people can say that?? How many people enjoy working with their boss more than their other co-workers???

Complete Hell

Attitude, Just Like Mama


This will be MacKenzy's third Christmas and each year we have made a visit to see Santa. We don't visit just any ol' mall Santa, we take her to Bachman's in south Minneapolis. Not a lot of people are aware of Bachman's annual display, so it's not crazy busy and it's not so commercialized. In the midst of their large greenhouse/store they have a stage set for Santa's Workshop. The gentleman that plays Santa is by far the most original looking Santa I have ever seen! From the beard to the rosey cheeks, they're all his own!

After the skit the kids line up to meet Santa. Unlike the mall Santa's, Bachman's has not brought in their own photographer to take shitty, overpriced photos! For MacKenzy's first Christmas we got a cute one of Santa holding her. (if I can find it, I"ll post it). Last year she wanted nothing to do with him, so the one picture we did get was of her hiding her face while I held her. This year...well it was a repeat. Thankfully the rest of the store is b.e.a.u.t.i.f.u.l!

Last year's Christmas card was of her in her Christmas dress, sitting on a pretty bench in front of their Poinsettia tree. They have pots and pots of Poinsettias in the shape of 40'+ Christmas tree. Many many people asked us where we had the picture taken, and when we said that Jason took it they were stunned. This year we did snap one good photo of her but it's far too similar to last year's...or so I think.


Sweet & Innocent

Each year I look forward to going to Bachman's and each year we've had a really nice time...which was not the case this year.

Her "Staged" Smile

Collections Gone Wild

Last night MacKenzy was running a fever and having some explosive actions in her pants, so Jason stayed home with her today. She was fine when she woke up, but nonetheless he saw it as an opportunity to decorate our house even more than legally allowed...in my mind anyway.

Just before lunch I got a phone call from Jason...now mind you he's not overly sentimental, but MacKenzy had amused him to the point that he needed to share it. They were decorating the living room with my snowman collection....bottomless boxes full of snowmen! Each time MacKenzy got to something she liked she would ask, "Daddy! My room?" With in minutes of starting the decorating process, MacKenzy's room was decked out in all things snowmen! Jason finally decided that it was time to stop decorating because he wanted me to share in the hilarity.

In my husband's family if they find out you collect something they buy every cheap ass thing they can find! My mom decided about 5 years ago that I needed to collect something. I'm more of the pitch-and-throw type person. I decorate my house in practical things, not knick-knacks. But mom was having trouble buying me things, so by starting a collection she would ease her shopping stress. She started a snow man collection. I tried really hard to keep it on the down-low...only allow my mom to buy me such things, but my now mother-in-law got wind and I was ruined. That year at Christmas Jason's family went bonkers! I seriously have so much crap from that year, I have retired the collection.

Jason has been a firefighter since 1999. He too is a hard person to buy for so faster than he could throw on his turn-out gear his family was out shopping for every stupid little firetruck toy possible....he's a man in his 30's not 5!!!! He has every cheesy t-shirt and figurine they could get their paws on.

The following year, to ease our pain, we set a stipulation for Jason's family only:

Only snowman or firefighter items will will accept are Snowmen that are firefighters!! They are very hard to come buy, so we're lucky if they find one or two a year! It has proven to be a wise decision on our part!

They said they'd buy what they wanted to and we simply stated that we were making the rule to save ourselves from clutter hell...not to be mean! We made it loud and clear that if anyone broke the rule, no matter how much $$$ they spent on the item, they would be going home with it.


BTW...



What I'm thankful for:

I'm thankful for Macy's.

Yes, Macy's the department store. Last year their parent company bought out the company that owned Marshall Fields...therefore elminating Marshall Fields (which I dearly miss) and turning all of those stores into Macy's in the Minnapolis/St. Paul area.

In doing so....they have put an end to yet another collection nightmare.

My husband...all 6'7" 280+ lbs. of him collected the Marshall Fields (Dayton's) Santa Bear from when they started in 1985 (or '84?). He's only missing 3 of them. We seriously store tubs upon tubs of those damn bears only to display them from the end of November until just after New Year's.

I hate these bears.

Twenty-years of bears, and as you can see they not small bears! Talk about clutter!

Well, when Macy's took over...the bear went to teddy bear heaven!

Thank You God!!

Thank You Macy's!

30 Months and Counting

On the 18th you were 30 months old...and in 7 months I'll be turning 30 too. I don't feel 30, so that's all that matters!

The last 30 months of my life have truly been a gift from God. You are the world to me and there is absolutely nothing as important to me as you. The person I was before you came into my life is so far from who I am today. I could have never imagined the love I have for you. No one can truly define unconditional love until they've experienced it!

In September you had tubes put in your ears and since then your vocabulary has gone through the roof. The things that come out of your mouth put me in ahh. Last week when we didn't bring your blanket with to daycare (you noticed a few miles down the road) you begged me (okay, told me) to "Turn Around Mama!" This weekend we were at my uncle John's funeral when you noticed people sat down when they weren't supposed to and you shouted, "Stand Up Guys!"
Before the tubes we were really the only people that understood what you were saying, now you speak clear as day!

The other morning as I was carrying you to the car you leaned over, with your hand on my cheek, and said, "Mommy, I miss you." I hadn't exactly been anywhere other than home, but nonetheless my heart simply melted...I think you knew what you were doing!!! Well, it worked.

You are really quite funny, and you know that too. In the car you will ask me to sing "Barn!" which somehow related to "Old McDonald." In your version no animals are discriminated against simply because they have no place on a farm, you include all animals and while you're at it you tend to throw in Mommy's Car and Daddy's Truck! "Old McDonald had Mommy's Car...with a vroom vroom here..." If you get board with that you pull out the ever so trusty "Wheels On the Bus," again in your own version. "The cows in Mommy's Car go Moo moo moo Moo moo moo, all day long!"

You have not gave in what-so-ever on being stubborn. For months now we have been trying to get you to sleep in your own bed. It's our own fault. This Spring we started to let you cuddle with us and watch TV in our bed...and now here we are in November with a up-hill battle. We tried sitting you down and discussing it, tried continually taking you back to your bed after you leave it, and last weekend we even pulled your mattress into our room. You slept on it, but not without me uncomfortably laying beside you.

My Doctor suggested something that I was originally very against; locking you in your room. After sleepless nights of taking you back to your room, we gave in. Your dad had to switch out the locks on our rooms...and now on a few occassions we've actually resorted to locking you in your room. Some nights your dad gives in, and some nights I do. Once you've cried yourself to sleep we breathe a sigh of relief only to have you start crying ten minutes later. The other night you kept screaming, "Mommy I'm Happy!" I've even tried laying in your room with you, but you still stand at the door screaming, "Daddy Open The Door!" You have no idea how this kills me each time. I don't like the thought of locking you in to your room.

The most distrubing factor in all of this is that you know taking off your diaper is a bad thing. On two seperate occassions you have taken off your diaper and pee'd on your floor. I don't think you've gone to the bathroom on purpose, but since the diaper wasn't there what else was there to do? So not only do we have to fear you destroying your room, we have to fear what you can do with a dirty diaper!

Bribery...only good if it works! I have broke down and bought you toys, though Christmas is just a month away, in hopes you'll want them so bad you'll sleep in your own bed. This is when you prove to be smarter than any kid on the planet!!! When I showed you the packaged Dora toy you were all about sleeping in "Kenzy's room!" That is until it was actually time to go to Kenzy's room. You Dad said, "If you're not going to sleep in Kenzy's room you need to give Mommy back the Dora toy." With a long face you gave the toy one last look and handed back to me. With a pause of silence you shouted "Mommy's Room!" Ugh.
My second attempt was BIGGER and supposedly BETTER...but no such luck. You and I were in Target and I spotted a rather large Dora pillow, shaped as Dora herself, and thought this would close the deal for sure! For WRONG! All through out the store you sang how you were going to "Sleep in Kenzy's bed!" and as I quized you, you assured me that you would be sleeping in your bed. Bedtime: different story! Before we could even discuss it, let alone fight about it, you walked up to me and handed me the Dora pillow and said, "Mommy take back to store Kenzy sleep in Mommy's bed." DAMN IT!

The last two nights you have truly tested both your dad and and I. Two nights ago you screamed for a good 25-minutes, "I'm Happy!! Open The Door!" and then all of the sudden totally silence fell over your room. I guess I'm a pesimist but I knew it was time to check on you, and TA-DAH! There you were in your birthday suit reading a book. Flashbacks of you watching yourself pee on your carpet ripped through my mind and right there you won the battle for that night. Last night I wasn't home until after bedtime but when I got home you were fast asleep next to your dad. This morning I came across the evidence as to why you won out again...all of your dresser drawers had been pulled out and clothes were everywhere!

What's next, I ask myself...bare room with a bed, blanket and pillow. So here we are again...square one .

Your memory is incredible!! This is where I start to believe that you were switched at birth! You love the movie, "Curious George," and even more so you like the soundtrack. Jack Johnson has taught you some great harmonies not to mention some new words. You sing along like a groupie waiting for your backstage pass! You can also sing all the songs on Dora the Explorer and Go Diego! Go! Yes you watch them every chance we give you, but still! You say the Spanish words just like your saying your other favorite words, "Apple Juice, Candy and Ozzy NO BARK!" Any chance I get I ask you to sing "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star." Your emphasis on certain words puts me to tears as I giggle ever so quietly!

Punk-a-noodle...I love you SOOOOOOOO much!
I can't wait for the next 30 months...but can we slow them down a little???

Love, Mama

Hit The Damn Thing!

On my way home last night I was about 45 seconds behind a person pulverizing a deer with their car. Up until this year I've really thought deer hunting was stupid...how is it a sport when you have a gun and they have nothing? Bow-hunting, now there's a sport! It at least takes skill!

Well this year it was explained to me in great detail that the deer in Minnesota are extremely over-populated and if we didn't have a deer hunting season we'd have some serious issues. Deer would starve and would wonder further into populated areas to find food. Yes we've moved into their territory and forced them into less and less space, but overall the population is the problem.

Well, the deer hunting season ended last weekend and I'm all for starting it back up!

I've never been one to totally fear hitting a dear with my car. If it happens, it happens. But now its happening like crazy! I've seen footage of deer jumping through the windshields, picture windows, and last week one even walked into a Target store to do a little pre-holiday shopping!

So back to last night...after driving over chunks of deer ick ick ick I got home and had grab my pager to start my two hour ambulance shift. In August I joined the volunteer ambulance service in the small town that we live in. From August until October I simply rode as a 4th EMT to simply observe. Riding as a 4th is supposed to allow the new people to get acclimated to the way they do things. In that time I seriously made 2 calls!! One was a real patient call and the other was Stand-by, where you sit near the town that's ambulance is out of service until they are back in service. BORING. Every time I was signed on for a shift nothing would happen (it's a small town...that's the way it is). Well as of November I decided to go live and just learn as I go....and last night was the big night!

What I learned from last night...if a deer is in front of you, HIT THE DAMN THING! Do not try to avoid hitting it because you're more likely to do more damage in that process. The patient I had last night was driving home around 5pm when he swerved to miss a deer. He managed to miss it, but sent his full-size pick-up airborne! He luckily didn't hit anything, but said when he slammed down to the ground it was extremely hard. TWO HOURS LATER, after he had already walked from his truck into his house and had a couple of beers...he was in so much pain he couldn't get back out to the car for his wife to drive him to the hospital. When we arrived on the scene he was painfully laying on the couch and the a sheriff deputy was administering oxygen.

NOTE: most all cops do not like dealing with medicals, they are peace keepers! Putting on the O2 was a big step!

He explained that his pain was from his testicles (I'm still immature, I still have an inside giggle to that word) into his stomach up to his chest. He never said it was his back until we had him off the couch and on our cot.

Once we got to the hospital and explained the nights events to the Doctor he told the patient that he was 99% sure he knew what was wrong. He explained that in incidents such as his people tend to break bones in their lower back. They rolled the patient into X-ray and there it was TWO fractured lower vertebrae.

"SHIT! We should have back-boarded him!!!"

Since his stomach was bothering him, we all assumed stomach trauma...not back! DUH, being that we discussed it all happening in a automobile...we should have instantly immobilized his spine and back-boarded him. One of the other EMT's said sorry to the Doc and he said, "Don't be!" So from there we felt better. Before we left the hospital we heard the Doc call in the helicopter for transport to a Level 1 Trauma Center as this guy needed to see a neuro-surgeon promptly. Holy Crap!

After we got back to our ambulance station we could hear the helicopter coming in and a satisfying feeling rushed over me. THIS is why I became an EMT...I may not be able to fix what's broken, but I can help you get the help you need while making you as comfortable as possible.

I pray that last night's patient is able to get back on his feet soon and drive his truck home from work again....and if he learned anything, it was to speed up and turn the deer into road kill.

Post Partum Depression

I don't really think I suffered from PPD after having my daughter, but then again I was dealing with normal depression so really who was to know!

Yesterday I spoke to my close friend Nikki for over an hour. Nikki was my college roommate and we've always been able to tell each other things that even our mothers don't want to hear.

When she called to tell me she was pregnant, after she told me the next words out of her mouth were, "I can call you and ask you whatever, right?"
"Without a doubt!"

She did ask quite a few questions and I was happy to give her my advice. I told her things people didn't tell me, and I told her the things I would have done differently. I laugh when I think of her calling in a panic, "Do you seriously bleed heavily for 3-6 weeks afterwards!?!"

"Nik, that is the least of your problems!! First off everyone is different! Heavy for me was a normal period, but that only lasted a few days....You are too far into this to start freaking out now!" I told her my horror stories....'Did I tear? Freddie Krueger made a visit!' I told her that her worst worries should be an emergency c-section....or getting the drugs fast enough!!!

Well when I talked to Nikki yesterday I could totally tell she was experiencing some post partum blues. In the years I've known her she's dealt with depression, so the post partum depression really didn't surprise me. Not that they're one in the same. She had so much to vent and needed someone that understood!

Many of things she vented were things I went through as well. I explained that her feelings were validated, but that she had to remember that both her and her husband were going through a HUGE transition. She needed to step back and even pull her husband aside and explain that she's feeling abnormally emotional and that she needed his help. I also said that explaining in detail what is irritating her will most likely not resolve things at this moment!

The case is, her husband has made hurtful comments without realizing it. I know him, he'd never purposely say anything to hurt anyone. But he has done the, "What have you done all day?" She feels overwhelmed with the day to day with a newborn, and he sees her as sitting around doing nothing...though he has yet to stay home alone with his daughter.
He's basically resorting back to pre-marriage life. He doesn't see the harm in going out with his friends a couple times a week. He doesn't see why she can't schedule her things around a babysitter, when he's just as viable.

I explained that what they're going through is unique to them, but not abnormal to their situation! I told her that she has to stop asking him to take their daughter, and SAY he's taking her. Don't give him time to back out and get his mom to watch her....just tell him you're going out to dinner with a friend and you'll be back "later." Without being disrespectful, give him a taste of his own medicine while forcing him to bond with his daughter!

In discussing this with Nikki it made me so thankful that we're past those days. MacKenzy is now our life and anything outside of the three of us comes second. We've both had the time to set aside our wants and needs to do whats best for the family. We still go out seperately, Jason hunts and I go out to dinner with friends. You still need to have ME time, but a lot less of it and in different ways!

One of the hardest things to overcome when becoming a new mom is the responsiblity. Still today I struggle with the difference between what I am supposed to do and know, to what Jason is responsible for. Before we had MacKenzy I might have to remind him to shave before we go...or to get on his case about leaving on time. Now I have to do that plus make sure MacKenzy is ready. THE hardest thing to work through is the fact that if I don't pick out MacKenzy's clothes and say, "Get her dressed," he won't. If I don't hand him the socks and shoes, the chances of him doing it anyway are slim to none. If I don't say "remember a diaper bag," he assumes that I've already taken care of it. What does he remember? If I'm lucky, her coat.

I'm not saying he's lazy or thinks it' my job...he's not like that at all. His struggle? Multi-tasking and thinking out of the box!

So who have I become? My mother? HELL NO, I refuse to go there! But I feel like a nag! He thinks it's okay to check his email while I'm racing around the house trying to get myself ready and make sure everything else is in order. Who is the first person to critisize me when I forget something sitting on the kitchen counter, "You have the worst memory!" the guy that just realized that he forgot his cell phone on the kitchen table!

Day ONE...again

There are always set back in a diet...but on the first day!?! Come'on!

I did really well yesterday while I work, but work is the easy part!

Jason and I work with a group of kids and last night they surprised us with an appreciation dinner. Nothing was really all that bad, but it wasn't all that good either. I ate two schredded BBQ chicken sandwiches (they were tiny) a handful of carrots with a little dip, and a small handful of potato chips. I passed on the potato salad (which I don't even like so it wasn't all that hard!), cookies, cake, and candy. I ate my semi-healthy food with a Diet Dr. Pepper.

Though I did keep some self-control, I am now considering today as day ONE.

The Diet...DAY ONE...

Okay, so MacKenzy will be two and a half in 5 days...I can't blame pregnancy for my weight any more. I really don't have a problem with the NUMBER the scale gives me, it's the weight distribution that needs a little help!


On Friday and I proclaimed that I was finished with whining about it, and was going to work on getting my body back. Now I know I will never return to my unhealthy 125 lbs, that I was when I was 3 months pregnant!! I loved being that size only because I could wear anything I wanted. Now even if I starve myself silly, I will never a 5/6 pant size! I have mommy hips and a baby poochie that my decrease in size, but they will never go away!


So, I gave myself an easy first 12 hours...started at midnight! For breakfast I ate a bagel with light cream cheese and drank a glass of orange juice. Not exactly up there with fresh fruit, but it's substance and that's what matters in the morning! Right?
For lunch I have my trustworthy soup. I've done the soup diet and it works....it's just a matter of sticking to healthy eating habits once I lose the first 10 lbs!

I'm not doing this for anyone other than myself. Jason thinks and says I look just fine, "I like you just the way you are!" I'm thankful for having a husband that doesn't think I need to be stick thin! He's a big boy and he's said it himself, he can't expect me to be a rail when he's not exactly at his ideal weight!

So here...I can hold my self accountable.

The hardest part isn't while I'm at work....it's once I'm home! Plus I need to find the time to get to the gym. I have a membership that I haven't used since.....I don't remember!

The Blah Days

Last night I did something I rarely ever do and went shopping for MYSELF. I have a little money in my Lia Sophia account, so I decided I needed some new shoes and maybe even a new pair of work pants.

The shoes I had on yesterday are well over 3 years old. They were simple black loafer-type shoes. I wore them serving tables, and have worn them for everything else since. They are comfortable and easy to slip on and kick off. When I was in the hospital with MacKenzy our dog Abby ate the plaster off a wall, and chewed on my shoes. We didn't have the money for me to buy new ones, so I wore them! They were tattered, but not obviously chewed.
This Spring our current dog, Ozzy the spawn of satan, decided to snack on my shoes too. I caught him in time so that they were still "okay."

Yesterday my Lia Sophia commission check was deposited into my account...and I made my way to the store for SHOES! I only tried on ONE pair...and bought them in black and brown. When I got home I noticed that my new shoes were the exact same pair I bought 3+ years ago! I didn't even realize it because the original pair are so worn! Guess I like that shoe!

My old brown shoes will be going into the garbage...they are from 1997 when I was in college! Time to go! Now for the black ones....they might stick around for awhile. They're great for throwing on and running here and there. I don't need to trash my new one's any sooner than they need to be.


So yes, I'm over the moon about new shoes........I'm a girl!

Dragging

All of last week I was dragging and I really think it was due to turning our clocks back to standard time. It's always dark! I went to be earlier and earlier each night, only to be more tired the following day. Finally on Friday I felt like myself and was ready for a fun weekend.

Friday night was night 1 of 2 to celebrate my friend's 30th birthday. Friday night we just went bowling. It was an open invite to anyone that wanted to come. In the end, it was the birthday girl (Chris), her friends' 6 year old daughter (Mari), two of our explorers (Kate & Jackie), and then Jason, MacKenzy and I. We had a complete blast! Bowling is horribly under-rated as a fun thing to do! The worse you are, the funnier it is!
MacKenzy absolutely adored it! Everyone rotated to help her as we bowled our own game. Each time she'd push the ball down the lane she jump up and yell "Yeah!!" and skip back to the machine that brings your ball back to you. Mari bowled non-stop. The way she threw the ball made all of us wince each time the ball went crashing to the floor!

Saturday night was more of an adult night. Six of us went to Uptown (Minnapolis) to Chino Latino's! If you haven't heard of it, it's a great time. Come On, their phone number is 612-xxx-PuPu! There entire menu is made up of funny names and phrases...You can order Phuket Asian Noodles! The bus boy walked around wearing a t-shirt that read, "Ah. Phuket!"

So it's not really a place to take grandma! The atmosphere is basically a high-class 70's lounge. When you walk in you're greeted with a bright orange pleather wall!

Chris is seen here attempting to eat with ChopStix.

I'm the dork laughing in the middle...

I'm laughing to hide the fact that I'm ready to punch the guy sitting next to me. His wife is on the other side of him, as he has his hand on my upper thigh!

Some menu items are:

Draino Balls
Queso Fundido
A Big Fat Cuban
Fidel's Capitalist Pig Roast
Phuket Fried Noodles
“Tune In Tokyo” Sushi Sampler Need I Say More?


After we ate we decided to hit Major's. We had no idea there was a live act, but it turned out to be the funniest thing ever! The act was a dueling piano show. If you haven't ever been, I highly suggest it! Not only do the guys play music, usually by request, but it's all tied into a comedy act that solely requires audience participation. This particular show was a little on the rauncy side, but nonetheless I laughed so hard my back still hurts today!

The guys sang everything from Elton John (while doing a great impersonation!) to Bon Jovi! Occassionally the lyrics were altered for the comedic factor which made it even more fun! We were laughing, dancing and singing until last call! The last time I heard, "Last Call!" I was working at a bar!

The best part of the night was when Chris got called up on stage! Mind you she was freaking out because the people that were pulled up before her had been coaxed into dropping their pants (they had boxers on)! We dropped one of the piano guys a note that it was "A Hot, Single Chick's 30th birthday and her name is Chris!"

All I have to do is post the following picture and no details are needed:








Yes, she is sitting on a toilet!












But this picture is pretty good...she was on all fours prrr-ing like a kitten. (Yes, my 30th is in 7 months, and I'm SO screwed!)

My Thoughts on Change

Read the post following this, before reading this one

I am pretty sure if I was in the situation of a plane crash, I would see my daughter. The heart ache would definately send me to a sobbing mess.

*I want to watch my daughter grow up
*I want to kiss her cuts and bruises
*I want her to kiss mine too
*I want to watch her walk into kindergarten on the first day
*I want to watch her graduate from high school
*I want to watch her become her very own person
*I want to see her fall in love
*I want her see her experience the unconditional love between a parent and a child
**I want to be there for my daughter.

Next I would think about Jason raising her on his own. Dealing with the lose of his wife and trying to help his daughter through losing her mommy. I would see him struggling to do things the way I did it. Trying to do her hair and match her clothes. I would see him struggling and finally realize all that I did. (I don't mean this in a bad way either)

After that, my youngest brothers. Before I had a child of my own, they were my babies. I would imagine the looks on their faces when they heard the news. Mr. Macho Mathew would break down just as I would if it were him. Mitch would be just as crushed, but he'd be trying to comfort everyone else around him. My older brother would be crushed and would realize that we should have spent more time together as adults.

I would think of my sister that I've only just begun to get to knowher, but have yet to meet.

In my pleed to God...

I would say:

*I'm sorry for all of the grudges I've held for so many years.
*I'll stand up to my mother, but then tell her I forgive her and that I love her.
*I will hug my stepdad and say "Thank You." I will call him, "Dad."
*I will force my older brother and his wife to get together, rather than just saying we will.
*I'll go out of my way to visit my grandmothers.
*I will tell each one of my friends just how important they are to me.
*I will give my husband's grandmother a huge hug and thank her for being so supportive.
*I will forgive Jason's two cousins and aunt for what they've done to Jason and our family.
*I will continue to stand up for my husband, despite everything.
**I will thank God every waking second to just hold my daughter one more time.

And why not do this all now?

Like John said, I'm working on it.

Change by John Mayer

I was on John Mayer's site trying to figure out who he's touring with...for my boss, okay for me too. He's coming to Minneapolis on February 13th. I know he had been touring with Sheryl Crow, and I would love to see her in concert.

He has a blog on his website. I was skimming through it trying to see if he mentioned anything about who he's touring with when I came across an entry that I found quite thought prevoking.


CHANGE
I've been thinking about something lately.

Imagine this:

You're on an airplane, sleeping with your head against the window, your heart set on being home this time three hours from now. All of a sudden, something goes very wrong. The plane stops moving across the air and instead starts falling through it. The lights are flickering and the movie is skipping. The plane dips hundreds of feet in seconds, and the yellow cups fall from the ceiling. They're a brighter shade of yellow than you remember, because unlike the demonstration, these cups have never been handled before. "Flight attendants take your seats now", you hear, the pilot's voice trembling over a cacophony of alert tones. You get that smell in the bridge of your nose like you've just been hit with a football. That's what the fear smells like. The plane is going down.

Four more drastic drops in under a minute. People are crying. For all the folklore about how your life flashes before your eyes, you're remarkably fixed on one vision - your parents. They're sleeping at this very moment, in a bedroom so quiet they can hear the clock in the kitchen. And you can see them, clear as can be. You wish you could see a playground or a first kiss, but all you can see is your parents sleeping. Huh. Well, that's that.

Several long minutes go by. Then, all at once, the lights come back on and the plane somehow rights itself. Some people cheer, but most people cry harder. The plane lands about an hour later, and as soon as you feel that touch down - hell, even when you were within 50 feet of the ground and could still technically survive a fall - you realize that however you brokered the deal between you and God worked; you've just been granted life in overtime.

Here's the question: what do you change? Whom do you call that you haven't spoken to in years? Whom do you realize has been toxic to your heart and drop with surprising ease? What trips do you cancel, and what trips do you book? What can't you be bothered with anymore? What's the new you like?

Think about that, and then ask one more question. Why not just change it all right now?

(Working on it...)

POSTED BY JOHN MAYER AT 04:48 AM FROM SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA

Reasons To Have Children

There are reasons to have children, and reasons my not to have children. The reason I wanted children was confirmed last night as my husband and I took MacKenzy trick-or-treating.

First I must explain that she was the most impossible child to get out of the house last night. She faught us on everything! Jason got to the point he said that we were staying home! I refused to do such a thing and I tackled her myself. Once we were out the door she was a completely different child!

The first house we went to was directly across the street. Our neighbors opened the door and MacKenzy mummbled "Trick-or-Treat." They dumped enough candy for four kids into her bucket and with a huge smile on her face she said, "Thank You!" As we walked away the light baulb turned on, "Mommy! Candy!" We walked to the next neighbor's house and she knew exactly what to do, "Mommy, ding-dong!" She couldn't reach the doorbell!

We only did about 8 houses, but it was the most adorable thing in the world. I had imagined that she would turn on the shy girl button and not want to go to the doors by herself. I was very wrong...I guess I underestimated the power of candy! She marched up to each door like she was on a mission. If she couldn't reach the door bell she'd scream, "Ding Dong Mommy!" and I'd have to run up and press the doorbell. If they had windows surrounding the door she would stand in them and check out the house. I kept having to pull her out of the windows...how weird is that, you look at the door and there's Elmo puking out a little blonde girl's head!

The most exciting place was our neighbor Jackie's house. Jackie has a dog named Lucy and I had put together a bag of dog treats for her. MacKenzy marched up to the door and since it was already open, she walked right in. She wanted to say hi to Jackie's two cats! She then proceeded to hand Lucy (the dog) her treats! When Jackie took them from her, MacKenzy had to remind Jackie that the treats weren't for her! "Treats for Lucy!"

The entire night was like a passage from a baby to a child....or something like that! She showed her independence and it made he look at her in ahh. When we were back at our house she insisted on handing out the candy to the kids that came to the door. Some of these kids had on scary masks and it didn't phase her one bit.

Watching life unfold before you through the eyes of a child; that's why a person should have a child. Seeing them experience things for the first time grounds you and shows you the important things in life. Though it's scary to watch them grow so fast, its fun to watch them go from a helpless baby to a logical thinking person (not that she's quite there yet). It's just amazing to witness life!

Halloween and Marriage

My husband and I dated for a short time before we were engaged, however our engagement was one for the books: We were engaged April of 1997 and married May of 2002. Most people assume it too me all that time to get him to walk down the aisle, when actually it was the complete opposite.

My husband would have married me the day he put the engagement ring on my finger, however I wasn't completely ready for marriage. I knew he was the one that I was going to marry, however I knew that I was just too young for that step at the age of nineteen! All my life I had imagined that being at least 23 was the right time. There's not a specific reason as to why 23 rather than 22, it's just rationale that I put together at some point in my life.

My husband and I come from nasty divorces, and for the most part neither of us had healthy relationships with our fathers. The most important factor in getting married was that we try not repeat our parents' marriages. We both agreed that divorce would be a last resort to a failing marriage. We agreed that we would do counseling and do whatever it took to keep our family together. If the worst was to happen we also agreed that the children came first and our differences would be set aside. I know it's one thing to say it when you're relationship is healthy, but we've both lived the worst case scenerio and really believe that we need to our best to keep that world out of our family.

In talking about that we also had quite a few other things to get out of the way. We both wanted to have children, but I think people forget to discuss how they will raise their children. I didn't want to get a few years into a marriage and find surprises!

I grew up in a recovering Catholic household. My parents divorced when I was four and my mother remarried seven years later. In that time we periodically went to Sunday school and basically went to church for holidays. When she remarried we actually attended Sunday school every Sunday until we were confirmed in 9th grade.

Jason grew up in an extreme Christian household. When he was seven his parets divorced and many family members say it had to do with his mom "finding the Lord." His father refused to go along with her Born Again crowd and eventually she chose the church over her husband. My husband went to Christian School until his mom couldn't afford to pay the tuition. Public school was a completely different world! Jason has never Trick-or-Treated ...because that was "Celebrating a Peagen Holiday," he was told. He was allowed to participate in the public school's parties, but beyond that he was forbidden to recognize the day.

The Halloween thing really baffled me. Over the years Jason and I discussed it and though he found the church he grew up in to be a bunch of hooey, he still held onto the Halloween beliefs. I'm not one to tear someone down for their beliefs, but I'm not afraid to question their beliefs. I know the history surrounding Halloween and understand the Christian attitude towards the specktical, but Halloween isn't about that anymore than the Easter Bunny being apart of the crucification of Christ. Halloween is another Hallmark Holiday! Children get to dress up and get to go door to door for candy. The spooky things are in fun!

Jason was dead set that his children would not trick-or-Treat. I was dead set on the fact that I could not marry someone that selectively picked the rules of a church he no longer attends! I wouldn't have even dated him if he was apart of that church, mainly because our belief systems wouldn't meshed....so I wouldn't exactly marry one! It's not that Halloween is all that important to me, it's the fact that I don't believe it's a bad thing and is about fun!

Jason and I talked this subject to death. I refused to step down from my position, and basically said that I couldn't marry him if he was going to pick and chose his beliefs from that church. I know it sounds harsh, but I do not compromise my beliefs! My final word on the matter was No Halloween? Then there's no Easter Bunny or Santa. In the end we came to an agreement: Halloween would not be banned, and the only stipulation was that the kids could not be dressed as ghosts, goblins, witches, etc. It was a healthy compromise.

This is MacKenzy's third Halloween and you would never know that Jason was once totally against the day. The first year I bought her a little Strawberry outfit, but then he insisted on buying her a 2nd costume; a dalmation. Last year I bought her the cutest Rooster costume at Old Navy. Jason loved it just as much as I did. Neither years did we really take her Trick-or-Treating. She was too young to understand it all. This year its a whole new world.

This year she's Elmo. Not my first pick in the costume department, but my mom found it and wanted to buy it for her. In the last few weeks she's been head over heals for Dora. Had I known I would have sought out a Dora costume. We went to a kid Halloween party this past Saturday. When we walked into the party a little girl was dressed as Dora and MacKenzy went nuts! I think she really thought the girl was the real Dora. When the little girl turned around MacKenzy screamed, "Backpack!" She was so excited!

I have never really decorated for Halloween; I decorate for Fall. A few weeks ago we had Jason's grandmother over for dinner and she brought a couple of her own decorations fearing that we would not decorate for MacKenzy. I waited for Jason to refuse them, but instead he was almost like a kid! He put them up immediately and seemed excited about them- How odd. Then last Thursday I came home from work to see him decorating the outside of the house with cob-webs and black lights. He had bought a strobe light, a fog machine, and black lights for all of the outside lighting. I asked him, "Who are you and what have you done with the guy that thought Halloween was such a horrible thing?"

He just smiled and said, "I thought it would be fun."

Exactly.

Such A Long Road

Back on August 2nd I wrote "Long Distrubing Road." I couldn't, and still can't go into detail about the ordeal. It's something that we've tried not to let consume our lives, but it seems every time we relax a little it comes back to haunt us some more.

In this ordeal we have done nothing wrong and have tried to move on dispite its huge effect on our family. To give a little more of an explanation, it's a family fight on my husband's side. He's directly the focus of the ordeal and it has split the family completely in half. The nastiest of things have been said, presumed, and told to people outside the family.

The fight is over something that supposedly happened over 20 years ago. Family members that my husband was extremely close to have turned on him, and anyone that has stood behind him. His grandmother is devestated and completely depressed because not only has she been disowned by that side of the family but because her family has turned into a war zone. She lives for her family and she just can't grasp that her own daughter and grandkids could be so harsh and nasty.

This all started at the end of July. For the first month it consumed our lives, but as time has gone by we've been able to set back into a routine of ignoring it. We have agreed to not give them the satisfaction of letting it ruin our lives....they can dwell on it and live their own unhappy lives.

Yesterday my husband received a letter from his aunt. I never read the entire letter, but what I did read explained why he was so upset. Our decision to let them stir in their own maddness has led them to believe that he's scared to confront them. This couldn't be further from the truth! He's not confronting them because he doesn't want to give them the light of day...he knows what they're saying is a complete lie and that regardless of what he says they'll never take his word for it.

So with that...our emotional rollercoaster has hit another peak. My husband spoke to his mom last night, who in turn discussed it with her husband. When this all started he spoke to an attorney for us, and told us that if need be he would pay for one. Well with some of the threats that were in the letter from his aunt has officially sent things in motion, and unfortunately a case of slander is in the works. She is out to ruin my husband, and in turn destroying our family...she's made countless little jabs and now we have to come back with a full-force punch to the gut.

We don't want to do this...we just really want the truth out and so everyone can move on! But we don't see that happening and we simply need to protect ourselves and our livelihood!

Depressing As It Is....I'm Depressed

Below is my response to reading an article recommended on my favorite website Dooce. I don't normally write authors of articles, but I was inspired and I had to share it with someone that understood.

Please read the article before reading my response... click here for article



I am a loyal reader of Dooce.com and in her post yesterday she noted your piece. She too suffers from debilitating depression....as do I.

I absolutely LOVED your story. You basically said all the things that I couldn't ever put into words about my own illness. Though I only sought out help for the first time about 8 years ago, in hindsight I realize it's a been a serious issue all of my life. Facing that fact was ten times harder than living that way.

I too hate the thought that I have to take pills on a daily basis to remain "normal," but by self-prescribing myself to stop taking the medications I realized how much better my life is with them.

Your mentioning the zoning out really caught me off guard because on some of my worst days that's what I do. I've never thought anything of it until now. When I was at home on bedrest with my now 2 year old daughter, I could lay there for hours and just stare out the window. I would lose all track of time and would forget to eat. I'd find myself showering at 4pm because I did nothing else but look out the window. I don't even recall that I was thinking of anything; a blank mind.

I still find myself doing that now and again, but for the most part I can recognize it and snap out of it.

Anxiety is truly apart of my everyday life and since I've acknowledged that, my depression has remained under some control. I started going to therapy in August as well, though it was something I imagined close to hell. I didn't want to go have a cry-fest, I was down enough! If I had known it would like it is, I would have been in therapy a long time ago. I walk out of each session feeling so happy and powerful...I'd sit there all day if I could!

My medications can only works so well...I have to help myself too. I can be a wuss and just take my pills and move on....but to take note of the situation and try my best to help it improve....that takes balls! I still have my bad days, but I'm learning to notice them coming! I've learned to remove myself from stressful situations by refusing to allow other people over power me.

I have been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Disorder as well, and without going into details I can now see how that certain moment in my life changed me forever...and sent me down a road that led me to where I am now.

I am so happy for you, that you're comfortable enough to talk about your inner most-self....because that's what it is! It's your mental world that you're sharing...and from what I've learned, sharing that part of myself with people can be scary! But I have since opened up a comfortable conversation and now a few of my friends have come to me saying that they've sought help because of ME and the fact that I talked about it and made them feel okay about getting help.

That alone is medication!

Amy

Not Allowed

Things That Shouldn't Be Allowed In An Office Setting

*You're not allowed to make popcorn after you've burned it more than once before!!!

*If you need to charge your cell phone during the day, do it at your desk...not in some random place in the office!

*Halloween, Christmas, Easter, etc. apparel... you don't need to be wearing your orange shirt with the Jack-o-lantern on it to the office! I don't care if it's October 31st. (keep the matching earrings at home too, please.)

*Christmas music before the month of December, and it must end December 25th as well. (I'm not a scrooge...25 days of straight Christmas music is enough!)

*No 8x10 photos of your kids or your pets

*The smell of cigarette smoke. If you're a smoker, you must decon before entering the building.

*Silk flowers or plants! Get the real stuff, or don't bother!

*A video camera. I don't want to see your child's gymnastics routine...nor their choir concert.

*Pictures from your family vacation. One or maybe two pictures -that's fine, but don't make your co-workers go through your entire collection. We Really Don't Care!

On the Job

Okay so I need help....

I love my job. It's not so much exactly what I do that I love, but I love my boss. I've never been in a job where I've respected my boss as much as I do here...and I've never felt so respected.

Problem:

The pay is shit!

Just before I was due for raise the company froze all wages and spending due to the fact that the industry is slowing down and we need to adjust. Prior to the freeze there were also talks of me taking on a new project that would require a company car, and an additional raise.


We are hurting financially BIG TIME and I'm being pressured to find a better paying job. In the current job market I should feel thrilled that I even have a job!

After college I had two good paying jobs....great paying jobs considering I wasn't married, rented, and didn't have any children! Though I had cash coming in, I hated going to work every day! My bosses took advantage of me and continuely expected more and more out of me. My first job out of college damn near put me in the looney bin...seriously. The second job basically ended with a shouting match between me and my boss.

I'm not a difficult employee by any means...if you ask me to do something, I'll do it! If I don't know how to do it, I'll figure it out!

So here I am in a job where I enjoy showing up! I can't say that I like working with everyone in this office...but my boss totally makes up for all that!


So with pressure from my husband to find a new job....what do I do? Do I say something to my boss? Do tell her that I'm in a bind??? Or do I apply for other jobs on the down low and if and when I'm offered a better paying position give my boss the chance to counter-offer??

Dumb Question Of the Day

I'm talking down a hall to the coolest boss in the world and Mrs. Stupid Questions, who are sitting in the coolest boss in the world's office.

"I'll go to lunch when everyone get's back. I'll just be running to Target."

By the time I got to the Target bit I was face to face with both of them.

Christine: "You're going to Target?"

Me: "No. What did I just say?"

Christine not reading the sarcasm in my voice: "You just said you were going to Target."

Me: "Then why did you ask me if I was going to Target?"

Rage

I'm having one of those days again....I can't catch up and my blood is boiling. I took my meds this morning, however I didn't eat until about 5 minutes ago.

My morning consisted of:

*No time for shower (ick!)

*Whiney 2 year old wants to watch "George" and once it's in and started, "NO!!! Bambi!" The screaming is enough to send me over the edge, so I comply to her demands.

*Have to practically sit on child to get her dressed....and she refuses to have her matted hair done.

*Leave house half-hour late...going to be late for work, again.

*2 year old has a melt down when I leave her at daycare.

*Get to work 19 minutes late....not as bad as I had thought.

*Desk is a complete disaster and I'm not ready for the accountant today. While racing to get things together, stuff starts falling off my desk. MY DESK IS TOO SMALL!

*Important fax won't go through, keep getting busy signal....fuck 'em they can call for it again and I'll tell them it's their own damn fault.

*The more I try to calm down and CHILL OUT, the more pissed off I get! At what? God only knows!

I'm feeling better now...it just won't take much to put me back to where I was though. I need to stear clear of Mrs. Stupid Questions and Mrs. The World Doesn't Go My Way.

Senior Photo

My sister replied to my questions about telling her father and...

She hasn't told him.

She claims that she hasn't had any alone time with him. She said that only her oldest sister is aware of the fact that she is adopted, so it's not exactly something she can talk openly about. I basically said, the sooner the better. The longer she keeps it from him the more it turns into dishonesty....she needs to tell him.


A friend of her's mother took some pictures of her for some senior photos...and she said that if she didn't like them she'd have them professionally done. I think this one shot is perfect if you ask me!

I have to hunt my senior photo down so you can see the comparison...I told her that I hate her perfect teeth and that she had better had braces!

As far as meeting her, I won't until I know her father knows about everything. I don't want him to find out on his own and be angry with her, or me!

I'm MMMmmelting!

I can't get over this damn weather....hot cold hot cold! Trust me I love the hot but I could really do without the cold. Over the last couple weeks we've been teased with winter weather...flakes falling from the sky sending everyone into their winter depression.
In Minnesota winter can start in June if it sees the need. You can plan a beautiful June wedding and have it ruined by 45 degree weather...I've never witnessed it, but I'm pretty sure it's happened.

In 1991, October 31st brought more than trick-or-treaters to your door, it brought 28+ inches of the white stuff. I remember my dad's electricians sleeping all over our house because they couldn't get home after work.

Why am I ranting about the weather like some nitty old lady with nothing better to do...well, I'm actually happy about the weather right now. This morning when I came into work it was FREEZING, but just now I had to run work errands and it took everything in my body to come back! I was in Target when it hit me, I was sweating like a fat man in a suana. Did help that I had my wool pea-coat over my polar fleece....(the skinny clothes were packed away last week...time for the winter fatties!)

Sadly, by the time I get outside again...it'll probably 40 degrees and cloudy again.

Mix Up

Okay....for awhile I was managing 3 seperate blogs and I just recently brought it down to 2. The blog I deleted was called "Parents Cause Damage" and it was basically a means for me to vent my frustrations in regards to my family. It was theraputic, but I kept finding myself debating which blog I was going to update....I didn't have time for all three.

Besides this site (and the one I deleted) I have a family site. I'm doing it for two reasons...to journal and to share with our friends and family. The journaling is necessary because accroding my daughter's scrapbook, she's still in in the hospital!

Well on my family site and my now deleted site, I had discussed my sister. I have not seen her since she was 1 year-old, and now 16 years later I've tracked her down. So if you're confused by the previous post.....click on the link below and it will explain everything.

http://melby-family.blogspot.com/2006/10/little-known-fact.html

Updates

Right now I'm eating my lunch at my desk...so I'm actually posting on my own time rather than the norm. SHhhh! I'm drinking a Mountain Dew, which is actually quite disgusting! How did I ever drink this!!!??? Like all high school kids, I lived on the stuff....no I avoid it like the plague! The other night I was drinking a Sunkist (oh Yummy! Orange!!) and my friend and I decided to compare the Nutrition Facts....All around Mountain Dew was actually better! Sunkist had way more sugar and calories. How depressing!

The only reason I'm drinking the Dew is because I'm lazy. We have a fridge full of free soda in my office for clients and staff. Well, its slim-pickins and I don't want to walk down a flight of stairs to buy one! So I sit here and suffer...boo-hooo!


Thank you KneuroKnut for reminding me that I needed to update the sister situation.

Things have progressed, however we have yet to meet. I'm not pushing the subject because I don't want to force myself on her! I'm not a stocker! She's in volleyball right now so her schedule is pretty packed but I'm sure it'll happen. As of right now we're basically e-mail buddies. Soon...
I've been trying to get out of her whether or not she's told her Dad about being in contact with me. I don't want him left in the dark! If she did tell him, what was his response?? I'm curious!

I wasn't going to tell my older about it quite yet. I was going to ease him into it. In the past when I'd mention Marki he'd show no interest. I was talking with him on the phone on Sunday night and it just seemed right. When I told him the story he was immediately interested, which was far from what I thought he'd do. He pulled up her website and instantly said, "Wow! She looks exactly like you!"

I told him I'd keep him in the loop and "maybe one day you'll meet her too!" He was totally cool with that....cool!

I also talked to my cousin Shelly, who is from that side of the family. She is really the only person I keep in touch with on that side of the family. She actually lives nearby Marki...all these years! They live on the same lake, in the same bay! She was going to ask her kids, who are the same age as Marki, if they knew her. They go to different schools, but her kids hang out with a lot of kids from Marki's school too.

Wouldn't it just be the weirdest thing if Shelly's kids knew Marki all this time???

reVAMP!

I need a change...I've been down in the dumps and I'm really getting sick of it. The depression thing is getting to me....while the anxiety seems to be getting better- go figure! The weather isn't helping matters. Seattle blahs...in Minnesota. I can handle the cold if there's sun...but we've been flirting with snow flurries since last week and I'm not ready! Winter is just too depressing! Come into work it's dark....leave work it's dark. The light of day completely passes me by while I sit at my desk.

I've been playing with the idea of changing up my hair...drastically. Right now I have a very non-committal style...long, with a few layers, and highlights. I've grown out my bangs again because the fuss was too much...and now I'm actually debating cutting it all off and having to fuss with it daily! Fussing with short hair can't be anything like my mop! Yes I can always pull it back into a pony or frump, but I tend to do that all the time! I'm lazy! I want my hair done NOW...I don't want to blow dry it for the next 10 minutes!

So here's the picture I'm looking at:

Some of the people I've showed say it's too drastic, and others are saying to go for it....I'm feeling GO FOR IT is the best answer. I know my husband won't be pleased, but he'll get over it. He likes my long flowing hair. Barf!

This picture was taken in March, but illistrates exactly how i wear my hair on a daily basis (and actually is how I am exactly wearing my hair at this moment). It's pulled strait back....to which I have too high of a forhead but who wants to bother with annoying bangs. In this photo it's pulled into a pony, most of the time it's in what I call a frump....a partly pulled-thru pony.


blah blah blah blah! That is exactly how I feel- BLAH! To get past this funk I need to do something...I need to try something new. It's only October, how the hell am I going to make it until April or even May!!!!?

We've been discussing spending Christmas with my parents and younger brothers in Cancun this year. It's not my idea of a Christmas, but paying pennies on the dollar makes it so appealing! And the much needed sun and warmth is the deal maker. We are still trying to figure out how much it'll cost us and that will be the deciding factor! Either way....we're going to Orlando in April to see Jay's mom and her husband, so we'll warm up eventually!


To new looks and sunny days!

Is It Just Me Or....Duh

This morning I was trying to look up my hometown's newspaper online to read a story that my mother suggested I read. I found the site, found the article....clicked on the article to view the entire story and it asked for my login!?! What? I know the Minneapolis Star-Tribune allows access for a limited time before logging in, but ultimately you can make a generic username and password and it's not a big deal. This isn't the case here...

I have to subscribe to the actual paper in order to have a username and password. The site allows you to purchase the subscription online.......but what the???

If I had the newspaper coming to me weekly (yes, it's a small town!) why would I view it online? It's not exactly a paper that you can't read in one sitting. I understand the convienence factor...at the office, want to see what Meals On Wheels is serving today.... totally makes sense! Do you sense my sarcasm??

It can't exactly be a revenue factor! If you subscribe to the paper you get the online subsciption for free.....and how many people are signing up for a subscrition soley to use the online version....Um, None?! You can even purchase just the online subscription....for damn near the same price as the real version.

They need to learn how to better utilize their advertising...and like other online papers I've read, have additional sections to draw readers in. But to pay for the service...that's just not right!

It's days like this that I wonder if I'm insane or just really really logical.....maybe a little of both!