Phoebe's Name Change

Okay so Phoebe is far from a common name...and seriously after "Friends" who would really name their child that? She was a fun character to watch, but I wouldn't want my own children named after her! I like the name Monica but wouldn't use the name either....she'd be noradic!

When you pick a name for your child it has to have TWO things... the name can't remind you of someone that you can't stand or relate to a bad memory. For me, I could never name my son Paul....not that I like the name anyway, but the one person I can say I truly say I hated in high school was a guy named Paul. He was incredibly mean to mean, however it wasn't as if he was sooooo cool himself. I wasn't a geek or anything, but I wasn't hanging out with the "A" crowd either. A girl's name that sticks out is Heather...well, and Jamie. Heather was a girl that was just the biggest snot ever...and Jamie was a girl that I got into a fist fight with at a girl's basketball game.


So with that said....why would someone name their kid BeBe?? It may be a cultural thing or it may just be a crazy name, I don't know. The thing is a few days ago I had to track down a company in California to do some work for us...at work...and I tracked down a person I thought was PHOEBE. She had agreed to help us out and gave me all of her contact information. When she gave me her email address I didn't think twice when I heard, "pwaxx@..." I thought her name was Phoebe!

For the last two days I've been emailing her without a response. I was seriously thinking, "What a bitch!" As I'm sure you've already figured out, I had it all wrong...her name is BeBe! I was emailing "pwaxx@..." when it should have been "bwaxx@..."

Now if you had an abnormal name like that would't you go out of your way to be 100% sure the person on the other end of the conversation totally was in the know?? I had a difficult to spell last name growing up and I learned to spell it out for e.v.e.r.y.o.n.e. ! Not only did I spell it, but I made sure I paused at the right time and said things like, "F" as in Frank...so they didn't substitute "S" instead.

So with that....if you're name is out of the ordinary, please be kind and make sure everyone else has got your name right !!!

Thank you.

The Spiral Effect

There's the Butterfly Effect, and then there's Spiral Effect as Dooce so eloquently put it.

I have never named my "issue" but the Spiral Effect seems to be a perfect fit. I've never really thought of myself as a worrier, but when I really break it down that's exactly what I am...I just keep it all inside while I play it cool.

The tiniest of things have the potential get out of control in my mind. For instance, last night Jason called me as I was walking into Target, "What did you buy yesterday for $138?" He wasn't angry, but he wasn't exactly bouncing off the walls with excitment either. On the spot I couldn't think of what it was, and immediately I could feel the physical changes of my anxiety. My knees were weak, my stomach turned sour, and my blood sugar seem to crash. (I have low blood sugar issues that require me to carry food with me at all times....really works wonders when I'm trying to LOSE WEIGHT!) Anytime I'm nervous or dealing with my anxiety crap my chest tightens up and I fight to take the deep breath that I need to calm down.

Back to the $138...I told Jason that we weren't going to discuss it while I was in the store and we could talk about it when I got home. I really said that because I was thinking slow on my feet! When I finally got him off the phone it clicked, I was at Target the day before. My safety net...I was shopping with a list that HE gave me!! You'd think that would have given a sigh of relief but actually it just meant that the lecture wouldn't be quite as long...so I was still dredding the worst.

I love my husband dearly, but when it comes to money...it's all my fault. It's a never ending battle that we come across every month when the bills are due. Supposedly I spend spend spend and all he does is work. He works two jobs because his full-time job schedule allows! He is a firefighter and he only works every 4th day for 24-hours. On the weekdays when he's not scheduled at the fire department he does landscaping (and in the winter, plowing). Yes he's working more hours than most people, but he's ultimately not working more days. He has a unique job. And as far as spending......I SO do not!!! I happen to do all of the shopping, so it appears as though I spend all of the money. As far as I'm concerned he can do all of the shopping, I hate it! Once in a very blue moon I actually buy myself something...the other night, I bought myself underwear!!! How exciting is that??

[Our dumb dog keeps eating my dirty underwear from the laundry room....gross, I know!!! I have tried to put them in a laundry bag...but all in all he finds a way! ]

I seriously wore the same black loafers for the last three plus years because I didn't want to spend the money on myself. Two dogs have chewed on those damn shoes and they looked like hell! I finally broke down and bought a pair two weeks ago in black and brown with MY OWN MONEY! I can only say it was "my own" because it was from a Lia Sophia commission check! I rotate the same damn outfits every week...my jeans are from TARGET!! He has no idea what it's like to have a wife that spends money!!

So back to the anxiety...once I got home I was on eggshells because I was awaiting him to bring up the conversation. When the discussion was brought up, I was ready...and once it was over everything was fine...all that stress for THAT!?!

My biggest stress in my life is actually my mother. Somewhere out in the universe there's a perfect balance of how or what I'm supposed to be for her. Her life plan for me hasn't been what I've chosen for myself. I'm almost 30 years old and she has yet to seperate herself from my own decisions. She feels the need to be the commentator to my life, and it drives me CRAZY. So here I go walking around trying to keep her at bay, and try to keep some form of harmony. It's a constant struggle...and it sucks.

In one of my first therapy sessions this summer a word was presented that perfectly discribes my mother: Irrational. As soon as that word was used it was like the light bulb of life turned on. She has irrational expectations of the people around her, but then doesn't apply them to herself. I have to find the right times to stand up to her, not to tell her off but to show her that I am my own person and that this is MY life. My therapist noted that it was best to seperate myself from the things that bother me the most and work on the small stuff first. If that meant distancing myself from my mom, then by all means. With that, when I do see her I make it a point to stay in control...and not let my anxiety show. I still have to double up on my medications when I know I'm going to see her...but for the most part I avoid all topics that would cause any sort of conflict.

Baby Steps.

My new goal in life....has nothing to do with fame and fortune (well, the fortune would be appreciated!) it has to do with not passing this down to my daughter. I don't want her to learn it from me, and I don't want her environment to influence it either.

The spiral stops here.

Remember that Diet thing...

I was just reviewing my posts....and thought I'd update the Diet posts...

Day ONE..............I have yet to make it to Day Two. Sad...but true.

I am however aware of what I'm eating and weighing my options a bit more.

Someday....I'll get my shit together.

Plastic Surgery

If you could change one thing about your appearance, what would it be?

Since I was in Junior High I've hated three facial features:

My high forehead- When I have bangs it's not really an issue, but the bangs are the issue. I hate having the hair in my face, and hate that I can't just pull my hair back and go...you've always got to style at least the bangs.

My upper-lip....or the lack-there-of! I can't exactly hide it, so I've come to terms with it over the years.

My Chin- From as long as I can remember I've called it my Butt-Chin. It's really called a cleaf-chin, but regardless of what you call it I would rather go on without it.


My sister-in-law works for a reputible Plastic Surgeon in the area, so over the years we've joked that I could get the "family discount!" Really, I could never imagine myself actually doing such a thing...but then again...

Literally I just got off the phone with my boss all of 10 minutes ago...and she's on her way home from getting her "elective procedure" done. By a totaly coincidence my sister-in-law actually assisted on my boss' surgery...small world. I wasn't expecting to hear from my boss, Jess, for a few days...but when she called she was her same ol' self. The pain meds were working!

Jess and I have similar body structure, she's just a few inches taller. In the two and a half years that I've worked with Jess she has always been dieting. For almost a year she had a personal trainer, but her problem areas never improved. She's had two children and the normal baby pooch women get was a constant nagging for her. No amount of sit-ups would help.

When I gain weight it goes directly to the ass....for Jess, to her boobs. She's always had a "healthy" looking chest, but her dream of a reduction is the same dream that I imagine when I can't fill out a shirt...I just WANT boobs!

Jess contimplated plastic surgery after her two neighbors (that are sisters) had breast reductions last year. Then again early this fall one of those neighbors also had a tummy tuck. Though that person had serious complications (and is now completely fine and doing (and looking) great!), Jess went in for a consiltation. After the doctor told her that she could do sit-ups like crazy and her stomach would never be near flat again...she signed on. The bonus of it all ...she has a tattoo of a sun on her lower stomach, that with two pregnancies has turned into a comet!!! The doctor was happy to announce that he could make that disappear too!!

For the next three to five weeks I'll be doing the things that Jess normally does....

Work will be lonely without her........how many people can say that?? How many people enjoy working with their boss more than their other co-workers???

Complete Hell

Attitude, Just Like Mama


This will be MacKenzy's third Christmas and each year we have made a visit to see Santa. We don't visit just any ol' mall Santa, we take her to Bachman's in south Minneapolis. Not a lot of people are aware of Bachman's annual display, so it's not crazy busy and it's not so commercialized. In the midst of their large greenhouse/store they have a stage set for Santa's Workshop. The gentleman that plays Santa is by far the most original looking Santa I have ever seen! From the beard to the rosey cheeks, they're all his own!

After the skit the kids line up to meet Santa. Unlike the mall Santa's, Bachman's has not brought in their own photographer to take shitty, overpriced photos! For MacKenzy's first Christmas we got a cute one of Santa holding her. (if I can find it, I"ll post it). Last year she wanted nothing to do with him, so the one picture we did get was of her hiding her face while I held her. This year...well it was a repeat. Thankfully the rest of the store is b.e.a.u.t.i.f.u.l!

Last year's Christmas card was of her in her Christmas dress, sitting on a pretty bench in front of their Poinsettia tree. They have pots and pots of Poinsettias in the shape of 40'+ Christmas tree. Many many people asked us where we had the picture taken, and when we said that Jason took it they were stunned. This year we did snap one good photo of her but it's far too similar to last year's...or so I think.


Sweet & Innocent

Each year I look forward to going to Bachman's and each year we've had a really nice time...which was not the case this year.

Her "Staged" Smile

Collections Gone Wild

Last night MacKenzy was running a fever and having some explosive actions in her pants, so Jason stayed home with her today. She was fine when she woke up, but nonetheless he saw it as an opportunity to decorate our house even more than legally allowed...in my mind anyway.

Just before lunch I got a phone call from Jason...now mind you he's not overly sentimental, but MacKenzy had amused him to the point that he needed to share it. They were decorating the living room with my snowman collection....bottomless boxes full of snowmen! Each time MacKenzy got to something she liked she would ask, "Daddy! My room?" With in minutes of starting the decorating process, MacKenzy's room was decked out in all things snowmen! Jason finally decided that it was time to stop decorating because he wanted me to share in the hilarity.

In my husband's family if they find out you collect something they buy every cheap ass thing they can find! My mom decided about 5 years ago that I needed to collect something. I'm more of the pitch-and-throw type person. I decorate my house in practical things, not knick-knacks. But mom was having trouble buying me things, so by starting a collection she would ease her shopping stress. She started a snow man collection. I tried really hard to keep it on the down-low...only allow my mom to buy me such things, but my now mother-in-law got wind and I was ruined. That year at Christmas Jason's family went bonkers! I seriously have so much crap from that year, I have retired the collection.

Jason has been a firefighter since 1999. He too is a hard person to buy for so faster than he could throw on his turn-out gear his family was out shopping for every stupid little firetruck toy possible....he's a man in his 30's not 5!!!! He has every cheesy t-shirt and figurine they could get their paws on.

The following year, to ease our pain, we set a stipulation for Jason's family only:

Only snowman or firefighter items will will accept are Snowmen that are firefighters!! They are very hard to come buy, so we're lucky if they find one or two a year! It has proven to be a wise decision on our part!

They said they'd buy what they wanted to and we simply stated that we were making the rule to save ourselves from clutter hell...not to be mean! We made it loud and clear that if anyone broke the rule, no matter how much $$$ they spent on the item, they would be going home with it.


BTW...



What I'm thankful for:

I'm thankful for Macy's.

Yes, Macy's the department store. Last year their parent company bought out the company that owned Marshall Fields...therefore elminating Marshall Fields (which I dearly miss) and turning all of those stores into Macy's in the Minnapolis/St. Paul area.

In doing so....they have put an end to yet another collection nightmare.

My husband...all 6'7" 280+ lbs. of him collected the Marshall Fields (Dayton's) Santa Bear from when they started in 1985 (or '84?). He's only missing 3 of them. We seriously store tubs upon tubs of those damn bears only to display them from the end of November until just after New Year's.

I hate these bears.

Twenty-years of bears, and as you can see they not small bears! Talk about clutter!

Well, when Macy's took over...the bear went to teddy bear heaven!

Thank You God!!

Thank You Macy's!

30 Months and Counting

On the 18th you were 30 months old...and in 7 months I'll be turning 30 too. I don't feel 30, so that's all that matters!

The last 30 months of my life have truly been a gift from God. You are the world to me and there is absolutely nothing as important to me as you. The person I was before you came into my life is so far from who I am today. I could have never imagined the love I have for you. No one can truly define unconditional love until they've experienced it!

In September you had tubes put in your ears and since then your vocabulary has gone through the roof. The things that come out of your mouth put me in ahh. Last week when we didn't bring your blanket with to daycare (you noticed a few miles down the road) you begged me (okay, told me) to "Turn Around Mama!" This weekend we were at my uncle John's funeral when you noticed people sat down when they weren't supposed to and you shouted, "Stand Up Guys!"
Before the tubes we were really the only people that understood what you were saying, now you speak clear as day!

The other morning as I was carrying you to the car you leaned over, with your hand on my cheek, and said, "Mommy, I miss you." I hadn't exactly been anywhere other than home, but nonetheless my heart simply melted...I think you knew what you were doing!!! Well, it worked.

You are really quite funny, and you know that too. In the car you will ask me to sing "Barn!" which somehow related to "Old McDonald." In your version no animals are discriminated against simply because they have no place on a farm, you include all animals and while you're at it you tend to throw in Mommy's Car and Daddy's Truck! "Old McDonald had Mommy's Car...with a vroom vroom here..." If you get board with that you pull out the ever so trusty "Wheels On the Bus," again in your own version. "The cows in Mommy's Car go Moo moo moo Moo moo moo, all day long!"

You have not gave in what-so-ever on being stubborn. For months now we have been trying to get you to sleep in your own bed. It's our own fault. This Spring we started to let you cuddle with us and watch TV in our bed...and now here we are in November with a up-hill battle. We tried sitting you down and discussing it, tried continually taking you back to your bed after you leave it, and last weekend we even pulled your mattress into our room. You slept on it, but not without me uncomfortably laying beside you.

My Doctor suggested something that I was originally very against; locking you in your room. After sleepless nights of taking you back to your room, we gave in. Your dad had to switch out the locks on our rooms...and now on a few occassions we've actually resorted to locking you in your room. Some nights your dad gives in, and some nights I do. Once you've cried yourself to sleep we breathe a sigh of relief only to have you start crying ten minutes later. The other night you kept screaming, "Mommy I'm Happy!" I've even tried laying in your room with you, but you still stand at the door screaming, "Daddy Open The Door!" You have no idea how this kills me each time. I don't like the thought of locking you in to your room.

The most distrubing factor in all of this is that you know taking off your diaper is a bad thing. On two seperate occassions you have taken off your diaper and pee'd on your floor. I don't think you've gone to the bathroom on purpose, but since the diaper wasn't there what else was there to do? So not only do we have to fear you destroying your room, we have to fear what you can do with a dirty diaper!

Bribery...only good if it works! I have broke down and bought you toys, though Christmas is just a month away, in hopes you'll want them so bad you'll sleep in your own bed. This is when you prove to be smarter than any kid on the planet!!! When I showed you the packaged Dora toy you were all about sleeping in "Kenzy's room!" That is until it was actually time to go to Kenzy's room. You Dad said, "If you're not going to sleep in Kenzy's room you need to give Mommy back the Dora toy." With a long face you gave the toy one last look and handed back to me. With a pause of silence you shouted "Mommy's Room!" Ugh.
My second attempt was BIGGER and supposedly BETTER...but no such luck. You and I were in Target and I spotted a rather large Dora pillow, shaped as Dora herself, and thought this would close the deal for sure! For WRONG! All through out the store you sang how you were going to "Sleep in Kenzy's bed!" and as I quized you, you assured me that you would be sleeping in your bed. Bedtime: different story! Before we could even discuss it, let alone fight about it, you walked up to me and handed me the Dora pillow and said, "Mommy take back to store Kenzy sleep in Mommy's bed." DAMN IT!

The last two nights you have truly tested both your dad and and I. Two nights ago you screamed for a good 25-minutes, "I'm Happy!! Open The Door!" and then all of the sudden totally silence fell over your room. I guess I'm a pesimist but I knew it was time to check on you, and TA-DAH! There you were in your birthday suit reading a book. Flashbacks of you watching yourself pee on your carpet ripped through my mind and right there you won the battle for that night. Last night I wasn't home until after bedtime but when I got home you were fast asleep next to your dad. This morning I came across the evidence as to why you won out again...all of your dresser drawers had been pulled out and clothes were everywhere!

What's next, I ask myself...bare room with a bed, blanket and pillow. So here we are again...square one .

Your memory is incredible!! This is where I start to believe that you were switched at birth! You love the movie, "Curious George," and even more so you like the soundtrack. Jack Johnson has taught you some great harmonies not to mention some new words. You sing along like a groupie waiting for your backstage pass! You can also sing all the songs on Dora the Explorer and Go Diego! Go! Yes you watch them every chance we give you, but still! You say the Spanish words just like your saying your other favorite words, "Apple Juice, Candy and Ozzy NO BARK!" Any chance I get I ask you to sing "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star." Your emphasis on certain words puts me to tears as I giggle ever so quietly!

Punk-a-noodle...I love you SOOOOOOOO much!
I can't wait for the next 30 months...but can we slow them down a little???

Love, Mama

Hit The Damn Thing!

On my way home last night I was about 45 seconds behind a person pulverizing a deer with their car. Up until this year I've really thought deer hunting was stupid...how is it a sport when you have a gun and they have nothing? Bow-hunting, now there's a sport! It at least takes skill!

Well this year it was explained to me in great detail that the deer in Minnesota are extremely over-populated and if we didn't have a deer hunting season we'd have some serious issues. Deer would starve and would wonder further into populated areas to find food. Yes we've moved into their territory and forced them into less and less space, but overall the population is the problem.

Well, the deer hunting season ended last weekend and I'm all for starting it back up!

I've never been one to totally fear hitting a dear with my car. If it happens, it happens. But now its happening like crazy! I've seen footage of deer jumping through the windshields, picture windows, and last week one even walked into a Target store to do a little pre-holiday shopping!

So back to last night...after driving over chunks of deer ick ick ick I got home and had grab my pager to start my two hour ambulance shift. In August I joined the volunteer ambulance service in the small town that we live in. From August until October I simply rode as a 4th EMT to simply observe. Riding as a 4th is supposed to allow the new people to get acclimated to the way they do things. In that time I seriously made 2 calls!! One was a real patient call and the other was Stand-by, where you sit near the town that's ambulance is out of service until they are back in service. BORING. Every time I was signed on for a shift nothing would happen (it's a small town...that's the way it is). Well as of November I decided to go live and just learn as I go....and last night was the big night!

What I learned from last night...if a deer is in front of you, HIT THE DAMN THING! Do not try to avoid hitting it because you're more likely to do more damage in that process. The patient I had last night was driving home around 5pm when he swerved to miss a deer. He managed to miss it, but sent his full-size pick-up airborne! He luckily didn't hit anything, but said when he slammed down to the ground it was extremely hard. TWO HOURS LATER, after he had already walked from his truck into his house and had a couple of beers...he was in so much pain he couldn't get back out to the car for his wife to drive him to the hospital. When we arrived on the scene he was painfully laying on the couch and the a sheriff deputy was administering oxygen.

NOTE: most all cops do not like dealing with medicals, they are peace keepers! Putting on the O2 was a big step!

He explained that his pain was from his testicles (I'm still immature, I still have an inside giggle to that word) into his stomach up to his chest. He never said it was his back until we had him off the couch and on our cot.

Once we got to the hospital and explained the nights events to the Doctor he told the patient that he was 99% sure he knew what was wrong. He explained that in incidents such as his people tend to break bones in their lower back. They rolled the patient into X-ray and there it was TWO fractured lower vertebrae.

"SHIT! We should have back-boarded him!!!"

Since his stomach was bothering him, we all assumed stomach trauma...not back! DUH, being that we discussed it all happening in a automobile...we should have instantly immobilized his spine and back-boarded him. One of the other EMT's said sorry to the Doc and he said, "Don't be!" So from there we felt better. Before we left the hospital we heard the Doc call in the helicopter for transport to a Level 1 Trauma Center as this guy needed to see a neuro-surgeon promptly. Holy Crap!

After we got back to our ambulance station we could hear the helicopter coming in and a satisfying feeling rushed over me. THIS is why I became an EMT...I may not be able to fix what's broken, but I can help you get the help you need while making you as comfortable as possible.

I pray that last night's patient is able to get back on his feet soon and drive his truck home from work again....and if he learned anything, it was to speed up and turn the deer into road kill.

Post Partum Depression

I don't really think I suffered from PPD after having my daughter, but then again I was dealing with normal depression so really who was to know!

Yesterday I spoke to my close friend Nikki for over an hour. Nikki was my college roommate and we've always been able to tell each other things that even our mothers don't want to hear.

When she called to tell me she was pregnant, after she told me the next words out of her mouth were, "I can call you and ask you whatever, right?"
"Without a doubt!"

She did ask quite a few questions and I was happy to give her my advice. I told her things people didn't tell me, and I told her the things I would have done differently. I laugh when I think of her calling in a panic, "Do you seriously bleed heavily for 3-6 weeks afterwards!?!"

"Nik, that is the least of your problems!! First off everyone is different! Heavy for me was a normal period, but that only lasted a few days....You are too far into this to start freaking out now!" I told her my horror stories....'Did I tear? Freddie Krueger made a visit!' I told her that her worst worries should be an emergency c-section....or getting the drugs fast enough!!!

Well when I talked to Nikki yesterday I could totally tell she was experiencing some post partum blues. In the years I've known her she's dealt with depression, so the post partum depression really didn't surprise me. Not that they're one in the same. She had so much to vent and needed someone that understood!

Many of things she vented were things I went through as well. I explained that her feelings were validated, but that she had to remember that both her and her husband were going through a HUGE transition. She needed to step back and even pull her husband aside and explain that she's feeling abnormally emotional and that she needed his help. I also said that explaining in detail what is irritating her will most likely not resolve things at this moment!

The case is, her husband has made hurtful comments without realizing it. I know him, he'd never purposely say anything to hurt anyone. But he has done the, "What have you done all day?" She feels overwhelmed with the day to day with a newborn, and he sees her as sitting around doing nothing...though he has yet to stay home alone with his daughter.
He's basically resorting back to pre-marriage life. He doesn't see the harm in going out with his friends a couple times a week. He doesn't see why she can't schedule her things around a babysitter, when he's just as viable.

I explained that what they're going through is unique to them, but not abnormal to their situation! I told her that she has to stop asking him to take their daughter, and SAY he's taking her. Don't give him time to back out and get his mom to watch her....just tell him you're going out to dinner with a friend and you'll be back "later." Without being disrespectful, give him a taste of his own medicine while forcing him to bond with his daughter!

In discussing this with Nikki it made me so thankful that we're past those days. MacKenzy is now our life and anything outside of the three of us comes second. We've both had the time to set aside our wants and needs to do whats best for the family. We still go out seperately, Jason hunts and I go out to dinner with friends. You still need to have ME time, but a lot less of it and in different ways!

One of the hardest things to overcome when becoming a new mom is the responsiblity. Still today I struggle with the difference between what I am supposed to do and know, to what Jason is responsible for. Before we had MacKenzy I might have to remind him to shave before we go...or to get on his case about leaving on time. Now I have to do that plus make sure MacKenzy is ready. THE hardest thing to work through is the fact that if I don't pick out MacKenzy's clothes and say, "Get her dressed," he won't. If I don't hand him the socks and shoes, the chances of him doing it anyway are slim to none. If I don't say "remember a diaper bag," he assumes that I've already taken care of it. What does he remember? If I'm lucky, her coat.

I'm not saying he's lazy or thinks it' my job...he's not like that at all. His struggle? Multi-tasking and thinking out of the box!

So who have I become? My mother? HELL NO, I refuse to go there! But I feel like a nag! He thinks it's okay to check his email while I'm racing around the house trying to get myself ready and make sure everything else is in order. Who is the first person to critisize me when I forget something sitting on the kitchen counter, "You have the worst memory!" the guy that just realized that he forgot his cell phone on the kitchen table!

Day ONE...again

There are always set back in a diet...but on the first day!?! Come'on!

I did really well yesterday while I work, but work is the easy part!

Jason and I work with a group of kids and last night they surprised us with an appreciation dinner. Nothing was really all that bad, but it wasn't all that good either. I ate two schredded BBQ chicken sandwiches (they were tiny) a handful of carrots with a little dip, and a small handful of potato chips. I passed on the potato salad (which I don't even like so it wasn't all that hard!), cookies, cake, and candy. I ate my semi-healthy food with a Diet Dr. Pepper.

Though I did keep some self-control, I am now considering today as day ONE.

The Diet...DAY ONE...

Okay, so MacKenzy will be two and a half in 5 days...I can't blame pregnancy for my weight any more. I really don't have a problem with the NUMBER the scale gives me, it's the weight distribution that needs a little help!


On Friday and I proclaimed that I was finished with whining about it, and was going to work on getting my body back. Now I know I will never return to my unhealthy 125 lbs, that I was when I was 3 months pregnant!! I loved being that size only because I could wear anything I wanted. Now even if I starve myself silly, I will never a 5/6 pant size! I have mommy hips and a baby poochie that my decrease in size, but they will never go away!


So, I gave myself an easy first 12 hours...started at midnight! For breakfast I ate a bagel with light cream cheese and drank a glass of orange juice. Not exactly up there with fresh fruit, but it's substance and that's what matters in the morning! Right?
For lunch I have my trustworthy soup. I've done the soup diet and it works....it's just a matter of sticking to healthy eating habits once I lose the first 10 lbs!

I'm not doing this for anyone other than myself. Jason thinks and says I look just fine, "I like you just the way you are!" I'm thankful for having a husband that doesn't think I need to be stick thin! He's a big boy and he's said it himself, he can't expect me to be a rail when he's not exactly at his ideal weight!

So here...I can hold my self accountable.

The hardest part isn't while I'm at work....it's once I'm home! Plus I need to find the time to get to the gym. I have a membership that I haven't used since.....I don't remember!

The Blah Days

Last night I did something I rarely ever do and went shopping for MYSELF. I have a little money in my Lia Sophia account, so I decided I needed some new shoes and maybe even a new pair of work pants.

The shoes I had on yesterday are well over 3 years old. They were simple black loafer-type shoes. I wore them serving tables, and have worn them for everything else since. They are comfortable and easy to slip on and kick off. When I was in the hospital with MacKenzy our dog Abby ate the plaster off a wall, and chewed on my shoes. We didn't have the money for me to buy new ones, so I wore them! They were tattered, but not obviously chewed.
This Spring our current dog, Ozzy the spawn of satan, decided to snack on my shoes too. I caught him in time so that they were still "okay."

Yesterday my Lia Sophia commission check was deposited into my account...and I made my way to the store for SHOES! I only tried on ONE pair...and bought them in black and brown. When I got home I noticed that my new shoes were the exact same pair I bought 3+ years ago! I didn't even realize it because the original pair are so worn! Guess I like that shoe!

My old brown shoes will be going into the garbage...they are from 1997 when I was in college! Time to go! Now for the black ones....they might stick around for awhile. They're great for throwing on and running here and there. I don't need to trash my new one's any sooner than they need to be.


So yes, I'm over the moon about new shoes........I'm a girl!

Dragging

All of last week I was dragging and I really think it was due to turning our clocks back to standard time. It's always dark! I went to be earlier and earlier each night, only to be more tired the following day. Finally on Friday I felt like myself and was ready for a fun weekend.

Friday night was night 1 of 2 to celebrate my friend's 30th birthday. Friday night we just went bowling. It was an open invite to anyone that wanted to come. In the end, it was the birthday girl (Chris), her friends' 6 year old daughter (Mari), two of our explorers (Kate & Jackie), and then Jason, MacKenzy and I. We had a complete blast! Bowling is horribly under-rated as a fun thing to do! The worse you are, the funnier it is!
MacKenzy absolutely adored it! Everyone rotated to help her as we bowled our own game. Each time she'd push the ball down the lane she jump up and yell "Yeah!!" and skip back to the machine that brings your ball back to you. Mari bowled non-stop. The way she threw the ball made all of us wince each time the ball went crashing to the floor!

Saturday night was more of an adult night. Six of us went to Uptown (Minnapolis) to Chino Latino's! If you haven't heard of it, it's a great time. Come On, their phone number is 612-xxx-PuPu! There entire menu is made up of funny names and phrases...You can order Phuket Asian Noodles! The bus boy walked around wearing a t-shirt that read, "Ah. Phuket!"

So it's not really a place to take grandma! The atmosphere is basically a high-class 70's lounge. When you walk in you're greeted with a bright orange pleather wall!

Chris is seen here attempting to eat with ChopStix.

I'm the dork laughing in the middle...

I'm laughing to hide the fact that I'm ready to punch the guy sitting next to me. His wife is on the other side of him, as he has his hand on my upper thigh!

Some menu items are:

Draino Balls
Queso Fundido
A Big Fat Cuban
Fidel's Capitalist Pig Roast
Phuket Fried Noodles
“Tune In Tokyo” Sushi Sampler Need I Say More?


After we ate we decided to hit Major's. We had no idea there was a live act, but it turned out to be the funniest thing ever! The act was a dueling piano show. If you haven't ever been, I highly suggest it! Not only do the guys play music, usually by request, but it's all tied into a comedy act that solely requires audience participation. This particular show was a little on the rauncy side, but nonetheless I laughed so hard my back still hurts today!

The guys sang everything from Elton John (while doing a great impersonation!) to Bon Jovi! Occassionally the lyrics were altered for the comedic factor which made it even more fun! We were laughing, dancing and singing until last call! The last time I heard, "Last Call!" I was working at a bar!

The best part of the night was when Chris got called up on stage! Mind you she was freaking out because the people that were pulled up before her had been coaxed into dropping their pants (they had boxers on)! We dropped one of the piano guys a note that it was "A Hot, Single Chick's 30th birthday and her name is Chris!"

All I have to do is post the following picture and no details are needed:








Yes, she is sitting on a toilet!












But this picture is pretty good...she was on all fours prrr-ing like a kitten. (Yes, my 30th is in 7 months, and I'm SO screwed!)

My Thoughts on Change

Read the post following this, before reading this one

I am pretty sure if I was in the situation of a plane crash, I would see my daughter. The heart ache would definately send me to a sobbing mess.

*I want to watch my daughter grow up
*I want to kiss her cuts and bruises
*I want her to kiss mine too
*I want to watch her walk into kindergarten on the first day
*I want to watch her graduate from high school
*I want to watch her become her very own person
*I want to see her fall in love
*I want her see her experience the unconditional love between a parent and a child
**I want to be there for my daughter.

Next I would think about Jason raising her on his own. Dealing with the lose of his wife and trying to help his daughter through losing her mommy. I would see him struggling to do things the way I did it. Trying to do her hair and match her clothes. I would see him struggling and finally realize all that I did. (I don't mean this in a bad way either)

After that, my youngest brothers. Before I had a child of my own, they were my babies. I would imagine the looks on their faces when they heard the news. Mr. Macho Mathew would break down just as I would if it were him. Mitch would be just as crushed, but he'd be trying to comfort everyone else around him. My older brother would be crushed and would realize that we should have spent more time together as adults.

I would think of my sister that I've only just begun to get to knowher, but have yet to meet.

In my pleed to God...

I would say:

*I'm sorry for all of the grudges I've held for so many years.
*I'll stand up to my mother, but then tell her I forgive her and that I love her.
*I will hug my stepdad and say "Thank You." I will call him, "Dad."
*I will force my older brother and his wife to get together, rather than just saying we will.
*I'll go out of my way to visit my grandmothers.
*I will tell each one of my friends just how important they are to me.
*I will give my husband's grandmother a huge hug and thank her for being so supportive.
*I will forgive Jason's two cousins and aunt for what they've done to Jason and our family.
*I will continue to stand up for my husband, despite everything.
**I will thank God every waking second to just hold my daughter one more time.

And why not do this all now?

Like John said, I'm working on it.

Change by John Mayer

I was on John Mayer's site trying to figure out who he's touring with...for my boss, okay for me too. He's coming to Minneapolis on February 13th. I know he had been touring with Sheryl Crow, and I would love to see her in concert.

He has a blog on his website. I was skimming through it trying to see if he mentioned anything about who he's touring with when I came across an entry that I found quite thought prevoking.


CHANGE
I've been thinking about something lately.

Imagine this:

You're on an airplane, sleeping with your head against the window, your heart set on being home this time three hours from now. All of a sudden, something goes very wrong. The plane stops moving across the air and instead starts falling through it. The lights are flickering and the movie is skipping. The plane dips hundreds of feet in seconds, and the yellow cups fall from the ceiling. They're a brighter shade of yellow than you remember, because unlike the demonstration, these cups have never been handled before. "Flight attendants take your seats now", you hear, the pilot's voice trembling over a cacophony of alert tones. You get that smell in the bridge of your nose like you've just been hit with a football. That's what the fear smells like. The plane is going down.

Four more drastic drops in under a minute. People are crying. For all the folklore about how your life flashes before your eyes, you're remarkably fixed on one vision - your parents. They're sleeping at this very moment, in a bedroom so quiet they can hear the clock in the kitchen. And you can see them, clear as can be. You wish you could see a playground or a first kiss, but all you can see is your parents sleeping. Huh. Well, that's that.

Several long minutes go by. Then, all at once, the lights come back on and the plane somehow rights itself. Some people cheer, but most people cry harder. The plane lands about an hour later, and as soon as you feel that touch down - hell, even when you were within 50 feet of the ground and could still technically survive a fall - you realize that however you brokered the deal between you and God worked; you've just been granted life in overtime.

Here's the question: what do you change? Whom do you call that you haven't spoken to in years? Whom do you realize has been toxic to your heart and drop with surprising ease? What trips do you cancel, and what trips do you book? What can't you be bothered with anymore? What's the new you like?

Think about that, and then ask one more question. Why not just change it all right now?

(Working on it...)

POSTED BY JOHN MAYER AT 04:48 AM FROM SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA

Reasons To Have Children

There are reasons to have children, and reasons my not to have children. The reason I wanted children was confirmed last night as my husband and I took MacKenzy trick-or-treating.

First I must explain that she was the most impossible child to get out of the house last night. She faught us on everything! Jason got to the point he said that we were staying home! I refused to do such a thing and I tackled her myself. Once we were out the door she was a completely different child!

The first house we went to was directly across the street. Our neighbors opened the door and MacKenzy mummbled "Trick-or-Treat." They dumped enough candy for four kids into her bucket and with a huge smile on her face she said, "Thank You!" As we walked away the light baulb turned on, "Mommy! Candy!" We walked to the next neighbor's house and she knew exactly what to do, "Mommy, ding-dong!" She couldn't reach the doorbell!

We only did about 8 houses, but it was the most adorable thing in the world. I had imagined that she would turn on the shy girl button and not want to go to the doors by herself. I was very wrong...I guess I underestimated the power of candy! She marched up to each door like she was on a mission. If she couldn't reach the door bell she'd scream, "Ding Dong Mommy!" and I'd have to run up and press the doorbell. If they had windows surrounding the door she would stand in them and check out the house. I kept having to pull her out of the windows...how weird is that, you look at the door and there's Elmo puking out a little blonde girl's head!

The most exciting place was our neighbor Jackie's house. Jackie has a dog named Lucy and I had put together a bag of dog treats for her. MacKenzy marched up to the door and since it was already open, she walked right in. She wanted to say hi to Jackie's two cats! She then proceeded to hand Lucy (the dog) her treats! When Jackie took them from her, MacKenzy had to remind Jackie that the treats weren't for her! "Treats for Lucy!"

The entire night was like a passage from a baby to a child....or something like that! She showed her independence and it made he look at her in ahh. When we were back at our house she insisted on handing out the candy to the kids that came to the door. Some of these kids had on scary masks and it didn't phase her one bit.

Watching life unfold before you through the eyes of a child; that's why a person should have a child. Seeing them experience things for the first time grounds you and shows you the important things in life. Though it's scary to watch them grow so fast, its fun to watch them go from a helpless baby to a logical thinking person (not that she's quite there yet). It's just amazing to witness life!