Potty Mouth

Okay, I am the first to admit that I can have a potty mouth. Since MacKenzy came along I've worked very hard to clean up my act. When either Jason or I mess up the other is sure to correct the other! When friends or family mess up we're sure to correct them with burning holes into their flesh with our laser eyes.

We have been very fortunate that MacKenzy hasn't picked up anything; that is until recently. First I must explain that my youngest brother, Matt, gave me my first lesson in child vulgarities when I was 17. In the small town grocery store, with no warning, he screamed A-S-S-H-O-L-E at the top of his lungs. Both my mother and I experienced the slow motion dash to the cart to cover his mouth. I think this particular moment in time has made me want to be extremely careful...I do not want to be half as embarrassed as my mother was!

So last week we were all packed in the truck driving somewhere or another. Jason was frustrated with me, as usual, and mid conversation said, "Damn it, Amy!" As soon as he said it the look of terror must have come across my face because his eyes doubled in size...whoops, kid-in-car! Immediately we hear, "Daddy! Why Mommy damn it?" Jason and I looked at each other with a look of "What do we do now?" I answered, "Oh, Daddy is being naughty and saying bad words." Luckily she left it at that.

Yesterday Jason's aunt Penny watched MacKenzy for a few hours. When I went to pick MacKenzy up Penny had a story to tell. Apparently MacKenzy was looking at a book and having trouble turning a page because they were sticking to each other. In MacKenzy's frustration she mumbled, "Damn it." Penny immediately reacted and said, "MacKenzy?" The look of "Oh Shit! I'm in trouble" came across MacKenzy's face. Penny calmly said, "Those are not nice words to say. Let's try and not say that again, okay?" MacKenzy agreed and went on with what she was doing.

I am happy to say that she's made it this long! Sad, but true! She could say A LOT worse things than 'Damn It,' so right now it's simply just funny

Who Is In Charge? YOU!

MacKenzy you are 3 years and 4½ months old…and Holy Crap you wear me out! You turn left when I’m going right and you have already figured me out! You’re prepared my answers to your questions with rebuttals! You have already learned to negotiate!

Over the last few weeks I’ve had the misfortune of experiencing what I put my mother through; whining, crying, pouting, and back-talking. According to you, YOU are the boss, YOU are the mommy, YOU don’t want dinner, YOU want snacks, YOU want the dog away from you, YOU want mommy to do it, no, YOU want daddy to do it. I can’t keep up!!!

The other night your daddy and I got a good laugh, at your expense. You were in one of your whiny moments….more like hours…and I told you it was time to get your pajamas on. I asked you nicely if you would go “potty” so we could get ready for bed and you burst into tears. You were a sobbing mess! You went into your bathroom where you continued to sob uncontrollably. I walked into the bathroom and you starting crying about how you wanted “a Dora one!” You were sitting on the Diego potty seat that you never use when you decided that it was too much to sit on Diego, you wanted Dora! I calmly attempted to explain to you that YOU picked out the Diego seat and that we weren’t going to the store to get a Dora one. You cried harder.

After the snot had been smeared across your face and the tears had soaked through your little shirt, I did what parents do…but aren’t supposed to do…and told you we would go buy a Dora seat in the morning. “No!! I want the Dora seat now!!! Not tomorrow, nowwwww!,” you cried. I pointed out the window and said, “Look! It’s dark outside. The stores are closed. We have to wait until the morning.” And all of the sudden the tears stopped and you looked me straight in the eyes and said, “We go to Target tomorrow, right?” I had to hold back from laughing, but I agreed. The next day you completely forgot all about it…. Moment of insanity??

On Sunday night, you up and decided that it was time to go get French Fries; you’re favorite food group. I guess I’ve told you a few times “Mommy doesn’t have any money,” because you pulled your piggy bank into the living room and started going through it. When you had fished out a dollar you handed it to me and said, “I want French Fries. Let’s walk!” You ran and grabbed your shoes and looked at me like I should be just as excited as you. I was giggling (inside)! I threw on my shoes and there we went…down the street to McDonald’s. I’m sure your great-grandma will love to hear that the money I’m supposed to be stashing in the bank for your education is going to McDonald’s!

Yesterday you stayed home from daycare with your dad and apparently it was a long day. You have this thing about eating. It’s not that you don’t eat, just simply that you’re on the SNACK diet. YOU wanted “chippies” for breakfast, you settled for a Pop-Tart (not much better). YOU wanted Goldfish crackers 5 minutes later and your dad suggested an apple. Normally the thought of an apple would have you doing back-flips over the couch, but you wanted nothing to do with it and proceeded to fight him for 45-minutes. After you did your time in lock-up (aka your bedroom) you were ready to say sorry…only to ask and get turned down for cookies 2-mintues later. This was the routine ALL day. My rough day at work was so worth it!!!

Though these moments put mommy and daddy into sweating fits, nonetheless we both silently wish there was a video camera taping every moment. Not only for damaging evidence to use against you when you're older, but as a constant reminder of how damn cute you are even when we want to scream SHUUUUUUUTTTT UUUPPPPPP!

Juvenile, but loads of fun!

Several months ago I interviewed for a position at the fire department where my husband works. Now I knew going into it that being who I am could be a good thing or a bad thing, but I felt that I was more than qualified and could be an asset. I have also been working UNPAID at the department for 4 years with the Explorer program that my husband and I started. The words sung from the powers that be have always been, 'Put in your time here and we'll hire you.'

The other complicated item about the position would have been working directly under my best friend's husband. He and I are very good friends, I actually met her through him, but he has a severe superiority complex at work. He and I sat down before I applied and discussed me applying. He admitted that we have a open relationship where I can tell him 'like it is' and not fear a backlash. He can also expect that I would go out of my way to make that department look good.

Another friend of mine used to be in this position so I had heard the nightmares from both her, my husband, and everyone else in the department. It was no lie that I knew what I was getting into, but I really wanted the position.

I interviewed for the position in May. Since I know everyone on the department, I obviously interviewed with someone I knew quite well (two people actually). I felt that the interview went extrememly well. After a few weeks of not hearing anything I checked in to see where they were at.... Long story short, I didn't get a 2nd interview and therefore didn't get the position.

I'm a grown adult and can take defeat; if someone was more qualified than me so be it. That wasn't the case. The blonde bimbo got the job with NO experience! No medical background, only 6 months administrative experience, and no concept of the fire service! I was P-I-S-S-E-D!

Normally I wouldn't have done a thing, but since I knew enough about the "piece of ass" they hired, and have a good enough relationship with the boss- I called him. The first words out of my mouth were, "I'm insulted!" Instantly he got on the defensive and I laid it all out for him. I said that it would have been one thing if they had hired someone remotely qualified for the position, but to hire someone that knows NOTHING is a complete slap in the face. He had no idea (duh) that her previous supervisor was celebrating that she was leaving, and no idea that one of the interviewers knew her personally- as in he was chasing her around though they are both married, if you know what I mean.

In the end I said, "In your case, I hope she works out...but otherwise I hope she crashes and burns." He thanked me for the insight and asked that I apply for the Education position opening up in the Fall. I said, "I have too much pride to do that....plus, I'll be homeless by that time!"


Day 3 in the PoA's she called my friend (that previously had the job) bawling and freaked out because she didn't know how to do the things they were asking her to do. She asked if my friend would come over and show her how to...get this....use EXCEL. Too funny! God, if you don't know get a book or something! Figure it out!

Back to the LONG STORY SHORT thing...

Jason called me a few hours ago saying, "I have great news for you honey! Guess who put in their two week notice?" Yup, she didn't even make it 3 months!!! You can only pretend you know what you're doing for so long, I guess. Jason said that all of the officers were super pissed off and that they even tried to get her to take a Leave of Absence...I'm sure so it looks like it's all her, not them!

To say I'm laughing is a huge understatement! I would love to be there rubbing it in right now! Jason joked that if they came and asked me to take the position I could ask for triple the money... I think it would take a lot more than that!!!

So it may be a little juvenile, but I'll be happy to accept that and do my "I Told You So" dance!

Long Night

I had a really long night last night, and I'm just really down in the dumps right now- I need a barrel of monkeys to come rolling through here or something.

At 2am I got a text from my sister, Marki...I was up because I was on an ambulance call. Around 2:30am is when I noticed the text. It read: "I need to talk to you asap." I immediately text her back: "What do you need?" I waited and waited for a response, but nothing. I would have called her but didn't know how urgent the message really was and being that it was 2:30am I didn't want to wake anyone. I laid in bed for hours going through every possible scenario in my head. In the middle of the night, I could only assume it wasn't anything good.

This morning on my way into work Marki text me back: "My mom tried to kill herself last night." My heart sank and just thought of all the crap Marki has had to go through, and now this. I was, and still am, torn on my feelings towards her mom. I hate that she has put her children in this position, but I also feel sorry for her and wish there was something I could do to make things better. I can only assume based on stories Marki has told me recently why her mom would do this....and it’s really really sad.

After awhile I asked what had happened and the story made me feel even worse....Children need to be protected from their parent's stupidity! Her mom had gone to her old house (that's on the market for sale b/c she lives with her boyfriend) and sat in her running car in the closed garage. I don't know what led them to her (they don't live with her), but Marki and her little sister (15) Mandi found her. I don't know what state she was in when they found her, but good enough that she's still alive. She was transported to a larger hospital for a 72-hour hold and for CO2 poisoning.

Meanwhile, Marki being the oldest of her siblings has taken on her motherly role again to protect the younger kids. Last we spoke she was talking to her dad about what to tell them.

I'm numb. Marki and I are still building a relationship so it's not like I can do the sisterly thing and show up on her door step to give her the hugs she so dearly needs. I have the sisterly, if not motherly, instincts to want to protect her from all of this, but I'm in an odd position. I'm her sister....but in a step-sister kind of way. Related by accident and really don't know all that much about each other (though we're working on that).

In a twisted way I am also incredibly happy that I am important enough in her life that she felt it necessary to notify me right away...that says a lot and I'm proud of that.

So with that...I'm down in the dumps today. I’m not wanting to be here, but with Marki. Though you don't know her, please keep her in your thoughts and prayers. Thank you.



**Amy**

Love is… being able to confide in someone that everything isn’t okay, and trusting that they will listen.

Monday

I am completely exhausted today. It rained all weekend (fancy how it finally rains once all of the crops and lawns have died off) therefore made it a lazy one. We were supposed to have a block party on Saturday- canceled, and on Sunday we had planned on going to Game Fair.

One would think we'd be smart enough not to drag a 3 year old girl to an event, in the rain (drizzle), where the most kid friendly aspect are the hundreds of puppies for sale. This event is an expo of everything you can imagine related to hunting. I went to see the dog competitions. They are so fun to watch! Oh! Did I mention we brought Ozzy with too? Talk about asking for it!!!!

At first MacKenzy was great! She wanted to pet every dog in sight and was really interested in everything around her. Then we started on a downward spirl... She wanted to be up close for the dog competitions, which meant she was standing (with her umbrella) about 5 ft behind the dogs. I would try and go after her and she'd just get closer and closer. Finally, Jason had me hang on to Ozzy and he surprised her from the other side. This was officially the start of the tears.

Afterwards we went to see the new Cabela's in Rogers, MN. MacKenzy loves going to Cabela's because they have all sorts of animals (stuffed) on display; elephants, a polar bear, lions, prairie dogs...you name it. She was absolutely wonderful in there...go figure.

By the time we got home my wet jeans had managed to dry from the knee down....and my pull-over windbreaker finally stopped sticking to my chest. The rain took everything out of me.

This AM Jason said that I was snorring like an old man last night. "It wasn't like your tonsils were rattling, it was a full-fledge 'I'm tired' snore."

Mental Stability

Sunday was a dark day. A week ago last Friday I ran out of my anxiety meds. Never making my way to the pharmacy I figured I’d just wait and fill it Monday; I am on other meds that I had figured would hold me over. It did until…

I filled the prescription last Monday. When I got home I had intended on taking the medication and then placing the bottle in my bathroom next too all of my other “loopy” drugs. That didn’t happen…

I set the bag down and it disappeared into thin air! I looked everywhere and never found the bag. I was feeling okay so I didn’t stress out about it- funny, can’t find my anxiety medication….don’t stress out about it. Hmmm.

On Saturday I could feel the cloud looming, but I put my best face forward. Fortunately Jason knew I was overtired so he was great about keeping Kzy occupied. Then Sunday morning awakens with beautiful blue skies and “dry” heat!! Absolutely one of the most beautiful days, but there I am like a cartoon with the little rain cloud above my head. It was amazing outside and I was as dark as the midnight sky.

I am very careful to monitor my own behavior when it comes to Kzy. It is my life’s goal not to parent like my own mother; by yelling. When I’m having a dark day I have to especially take notice. I’m sure that I’m short with her, but in my head I am replaying a soundtrack, “Don’t do it. It’s not her, it’s you. Don’t yell” all awhile I can see my mom’s screaming face. If and/or when I do scream at her I feel absolutely terrible. Afterwards I feel like I’ve taken 10 steps backwards in being the type of parent I want to be.

On dark days it’s almost as if I can feel my blood boiling. The tension in my body is so intense that feel as if every muscle in my body gripping on for dear life. I am aware of each breath I take and each thought that plays in my head, and everything around me that pisses me off! My chest is heavy and I’m jittery as all hell. I can’t sit still, let alone in one spot for any amount of time.

Normally on a bad day I would pop a few extra pills (the Dr. said that it’s okay) and take a short nap. Yesterday Jason was on shift so it was just Kzy and I home for the day, which means NO BREAKS! Though it pains me to do it, I turned on Sponge Bob Sqaurepants and crawled back into bed…actually into Kzy’s new bed. Every half-hour she’d come looking for me to start a new DVR recording and then I’d return to the protection of my blanket and pillow. At 2:00pm it was time for her nap…so I drug her into bed with me and we slept until just after 4pm.

I felt mildly better, but since I had errands to run we had to get up. Just as we were leaving I found the pills! It was my pot of gold at the end of the rainbow! I felt better by simply knowing I’d feel better today.

There are people out there that think anti-depressants are a horrible thing. They simply need to live in my shoes on one of these days and they will not only better understand, but they’ll want some pills for themselves.

I’d take my anxiety/depression issues over delusional or schizophrenia. This past weekend I was working ambulance when we had a routine transport from our small town hospital to another, larger, area hospital with a psyche ward. Before meeting the patient we were told it was a 30-year old delusional male. I still have yet to associate myself as someone who is 30, so I didn’t even imagine that the person would be someone like me. When I walked into the room I was amazed that my mouth didn’t hit the floor. The guy lying in the hospital bed was none other than a kid I was friends with in elementary school.

Due to HIPPA I can’t say his name or anything that would identify him, and I would never do such a thing. He didn’t have a clue who I was until I told him my maiden name and said the name of our elementary school. (It was a small town school so everyone knew each other.) Seeing him brought back so many childhood memories it was nice to relive them for awhile. It was also really sad to see someone that was once so full of life, so incredibly messed up.

On late night transfers often times we’re all pretty quite, but not that night. Any time it was really quite for more than a minute or two, the patient’s eyes would get really big and he’d look around like he didn’t know where he was. If I kept him engaged he was relatively normal. It was a real test to come up with an hour worth of questions!!

He said he was brought into the hospital because he called the CDC (Center for Disease Control) and told them he had Meningitis. When they asked him how he knew he had it, he didn’t have a reasonable explanation. He just knew he had it and if they didn’t come and get him he was going to die and spread the disease. When the police got to his house he was standing in his yard screaming at the top of his lungs about the world’s injustices. He also swore that his colon had burst and it was only a matter of seconds before he would die.

What was interesting about it all was that in the back of our ambulance he had enough sense to know what he did and that it was completely absurd. He laughed and laughed.

The sad part about it all, he has two kids at home. His wife seemed pretty solid and loving, but nonetheless the kids have to deal with the fact that their Dad is in a Psych-Ward for 3 days.

So with all of that…I’m okay with having to take pills each day. A couple seconds out of each day allow me to be who I am and stay that way!!!

Chewy

Right now I'm sitting at my desk (yes, my desk! I got a job!) trying to eat the chewiest bread stick in my life! They are left over from yesterday, and I'm too lazy to go get something else...though leaving the office for awhile would break up the day.

So yes, I'm working and really enjoying myself...using my brain again. I took the "other" job, not the hospital position. Though I was sad about having to turn them down, this job has some incredible potential. I'm working for another builder. Some would think that that is a bad idea, with the market and all, but this company has actually stayed pretty steady during the downward spiral we call a real estate market. It's a corporation rather than a Mom & Pop organization, which is what I worked for prior to being laid off.

I've managed to take a gigantic leap up the corporate ladder which is incredibly unexpected considering I went through a temp agency! I was the only person interviewed for the position that had any kind of construction background, and that was the winner right there.

What I'm doing now actually is nothing like what I have experience in, but since I understand how the construction world runs I'm grasping everything faster than I thought I would. In my current position I am one of two Operations Administrators. What the hell is that? My question exactly!!! Myself and another girl, that has been doing the job for almost 4 yrs., are the go-between the guys in the field and the office. We pull the plans, surveys, and permits and get them out to the guys. We are also in charge of monitoring the stages of the building process- dig dates, frame dates, etc. This is where I definitely have a lot of learning to do! Lastly we work with the division President in advising him on the status of projects or communities. I don't think I've ever been in a position where I can make "recommendations" to the President (of anything) that dates should be pushed and/or about someone's job performance.

Home life is getting easier because we can see the light at the end of the tunnel. We're hurting pretty bad since I wasn't working for so long, but being that I'm getting paid much better in this position than in my last it shouldn't take too long for us to get caught up.

I have been meaning to post pictures but seriously I haven't had the time! When I do have the time MacKenzy wants to sit on my lap and play "Elmo" on the Sesame Street website. Ugh. I've been taking pictures like crazy, but even so much as getting them downloaded seems to be quite a task.

Well, I hope to get back to updating more often. I miss writing. I know my life doesn't interest anyone really, but writing about it puts things into perspective.

It's been awhile

Life has been a complete whirlwind the last few months, so now that I see the light at the end of the tunnel...here's whats been happening.On April 27th I was laid off, hence the whirlwind. Prior to getting laid off I had already been applying for other positions knowing that a lay off was possible...boy did I hit that nail on the head! It is now July 14th and the light has started to shine. THANK YOU GOD!

There isn't exactly a shortage of jobs to apply for "out there," but there are a lot of people applying for them! One of the first positions I applied for was for the City of Prior Lake. A simple position brought in almost 80 applications for ONE position! For my own self-esteem I won't list the novel of applications I've submited.

In April, prior to the lay off, I applied for a position at an area hospital. It was a position that I desperately wanted but refused to get my hopes up. Several weeks later...um, mid-June, I finally got an interview! A few weeks after that I got a phone message stating that they had in fact filled the position, but really wanted to have me on their team "so please continue to apply." Apparently an internal candidate applied at the last minute, and since it's a union position they are required to hire within first. I was bummed, but it was nice to hear that they actually did want to hire me!

Then last Monday I got another call...they offered me the position! I didn't ask questions I was too damn excited. The position is a 2nd shift (2p-11p) and that's where the red flags went up...there is no way we could work our schedules around that! I talked it over with Jason and he knew how bad I wanted it, but also kept reality in check. I asked to speak to someone in regards to how the position was scheduled out, and finally received her call on Thursday.

Meanwhile, on Wednesday I spoke to the people at one of the temp agencies that was trying to line me up with a permanent full-time position. I explained that I had my dream job offer on the table with some scheduling issues. I explained that I was still interested in the position they had been working on for me, but needed to get the ball rolling! I didn't want to tell the hospital NO and then have the other position fall through as well!!! On Friday I had a 10am first interview that went really well...so well that I was called back to come in for a 2nd interview at 2pm the same day! The President of the company wanted to interview me but would be out of town on a business trip after Friday. I ended up meeting with him and the CFO of the company. They knew I had another offer and things needed to happen quickly. They asked if I could hold the others off until Monday morning, and said they could let me know Monday morning. If I'm not offered the position I will be completely lost for words. Monday will be the big day...I will be telling someone Yes...just hope that it's the one that will work best for everyone.

Cross your fingers for me....

Since my last entry we've done quite a bit. MacKenzy's third birthday party, my 30th birthday, a couple trips to the beach, the zoo, and boating on the lake. I'm the psuedo "SAHM". I would get up early each morning to apply for jobs like crazy on the web, and then after lunch I would take MacKenzy out to various places. She still goes to daycare on occassion, she needs that interaction with the other children...and the structure that she's used to. Ozzy got to go to the dog park a few times...so we've bonded a bit. But most of all my face was in front of a computer screen doing everything I could to find a damn job!

This next week I will post pictures from things we've done...but right now it's late and I need to go to bed!Hope all of you are having a nice summer...and for those of you in MN, try and keep cool this week!! It's going to be a rough one!

Absent Minded

I haven't been able to post for awhile; I've been busy finding a job! I was laid off at the end of April and since have been living to find a living! My husband was already working extra shifts to make "extra" cash, but now the "extra" is far removed from reality.

Jason took my lay-off much better than I had anticipated. He's not crazy happy about it, but my fears of him freaking out were diminished when he said, "Well, it's not like it was all that unexpected." The company I worked for was owned by a MN based construction company. The real estate market is incredibly slow (understatement) so they're being forced to weed out people...keep family, get rid of everyone else.

I had already been applying for jobs, so it wasn't as if I had to dust off my resume. The problem with the job market isn't that there's a lack of great jobs, it's that there are MANY people just like me applying for the positions! I applied for a Police Admin job and 168 people applied for the ONE job! I had an inside pull, so I made it to the second round but in the end I didn't even get an interview. I'm dealing with each defeat well because I'm refusing to get my hopes up on any of the positions. I need a job NOW but getting my hopes up is only going to make my stress level worse!

I have an interview tomorrow for a healthcare insurance company. It's a basic Customer Service position, but a friend of mine works there and has had nothing but positive things to say about it. We'll see...

I also have an interview at the fire department my husband works for...yikes. I really really want the position. I know that I'm more than qualified for it, and quite possibly the MOST qualified for it....but then there's the fact that MY boss would be my best-friend's husband. He and I sat down in April and discussed the possibility and he's really on the fence. I know he's an incredible pain to work for but I really do think I can work through that with him. He and I have a open relationship...that may not sound right, but what I'm trying to say is that I have always been able to tell him 'like it is.' When he's being an ass, I tell him he's being an ass. I don't mix words with him. I've known him for almost 7-years now (I knew him before I knew his wife), and think there really isn't anything we can't work through. I can compromise and deal with things...otherwise known as 'biting my tongue,' and he will adjust to the fact that he can't get away with treating me (his assistant) like shit...like he does to everyone else in that place.

We'll see...I refuse to get my hopes up, but I am not going to dance around the fact that this job would change A LOT for my family.

Since I last posted MacKenzy turned 3! We had a great time and I'll post pictures soon.
We have also cracked the whip (figuratively) on the potty-training issue. There's no turning back, and its full steam ahead...and the future is looking bright!

Always Kiss Me Goodnight

To My Baby-Girl (oh, sorry My Big Girl),

As your Mommy I am constantly reminded how fortunate I am to have such a wonderful and healthy child. Yes, your nose runs a nasty green constantly, but boogie kisses wouldn’t be the same without it!

I think God graced me with a horrible pregnancy to balance out the good fortune of having such an amazing child. I’d have a million (okay, one or maybe two) more pain staking pregnancies if I’d be assured another act of perfection. That’s you…perfect.

Last night I had yet another one of those moments. I was on the ambulance last night and it wasn’t a good night. First, as I left you started to cry and begged me not to go. My first thought was to bolt and let your Daddy deal with it, but my very next thought was that I’d better give you a huge kiss and hug. God has a strange way of reminding people that just because you think you’ll be coming back; there are other forces out there that might not make that happen. In this line of work, it happens all too often.

Up until last night I had never been on a call that involved injured children. I knew this day would come, but there isn’t a way to prepare for it. It just has to happen and you have to move on.

It’s easy to say ‘move on’ but to actually do it is an entirely different story. The accident was bad, and a little girl might not make it. There were a lot of factors leading to the accident, but had she been wearing her seatbelt she would be home with her parents today. Right now you quote ‘Dora the Explorer’ and say “Seat Belts! Because they keep us safe!” I hope you remember that always because they really do keep you safe, and they can save your life.

While I was helping the little girl’s older brother, my partners did everything they could to help the little girl. On the scene of the accident there isn't any time for emotions, it’s about fixing what’s broken…or getting the person to someone that can better help them. Not until the reports are written and we’re sitting down away from everything do you get a chance to take it all in.

If that little girl doesn’t make it…her Mommy and Daddy will lose their baby girl, her grandma will know that she was coming to see her when she was hurt, her older brother will always remember that he was driving, her friends in the 2nd grade will learn what it’s like to lose a friend, everyone in her family will miss her more than words can say.

When I got home from the call I had to move you from Mommy and Daddy’s bed to your own (well, the floor of your bedroom because you prefer it over your bed). As I approached I had to stop and stare at you. Your mouth hanging wide open, your hair in every-which direction, and your rosy little cheeks…all the things that tell me your sleeping peacefully. I lay down next to you and just wrapped my arms around your still body, and hugged you. A sigh of relief came over my body as I knew that I was so very lucky to have you in my life…a beautiful….brilliant…silly girl that makes me smile uncontrollably.

Your 3rd birthday is in exactly a month, and there isn’t a doubt in the world that the last three years have been both life altering and divine. You have made me a better person, and you have inspired me to live my life in a way that can inspire other people.

Just this morning we were discussing your birthday. I said that you were going to be 3 and you replied, “No. Two THEN three!” I tried to explain that you are two now, but on your birthday you’ll be three. You made me laugh by saying, “No! I don’t wanna be three, I’m two!” Smart girl.

I love you.

Mama

Meeting My Sister...

Last night went VERY well. Prior to getting there I was a nervous, but not for meeting Marki but for seeing her mom, Tami. I had NO reason to be nervous what-so-ever! Tami was great and we basically picked up where we left off 16+ years ago.

MacKenzy took all of a minute to warm up to Marki. I brought a mini-Easter basket full of goodies for MacKenzy to give to Marki....so naturally MacKenzy was pretty willing to share the treats! The place that we had dinner has a neat nature preserve right behind the restaurant. MacKenzy was glued to the windows most of the evening. Tons of birds eating, but she was distressed that the birds weren't talking to her or answering her....too many cartoons with talking animals I suppose. Just before we left the waitress came running out the bar, swept MacKenzy up in her arms and ran off.....odd. Well, there were two fawns eating about 3 feet from the window in the bar area. When MacKenzy came back she asked to go see them again, so Marki and I followed her into the bar...and it was really cool. MacKenzy's kept saying, "That's Bambi's Mommy!!"
Marki brought along pictures of her when she was younger, and I had originally brought some too but in my rush to get out the door I forgot them on the steps at home. It was really nice to put the pieces together of her childhood...and I'm sure there will be more of that in years to come.

Well, I wanted to take pictures but it was a bit awkward to say, "Hey, smile I want your picture!" As you can see from the photos attached I had Marki and MacKenzy pose together and then I jumped in for a few. I see lots of similarities in our appearance, but more so when I was younger. We have the same damn forehead, now I know for sure which side of the family to blame. Our face shapes are different, and she has the most amazing smile....and never had braces! Damn her!

All in all, it was a very nice evening. We could have sat and talked forever...and being she didn't have school today I'm sure they could have too. MacKenzy was on a sugar high from all of the candy...so I'm sure she would have been too...but good things have to come to an end.
Now that the initial meeting is out of the way...we can take it where ever it may lead. When we got home MacKenzy was going bonkers on her sugar high. Normally she would have fallen asleep in the car, but she was wide awake all the way home. She told Jason all about Bambi’s mommy and eating candy with Marki. She said, “We can go there again!”

Meeting Postponed

I was to have finally met my little sister this weekend, and it didn’t work out as planned. Both of us disappointed, but we weren’t in control of the situation. When Marki finally told her mom that we had been talking online her mom was extremely surprised but didn’t shoot down any request to meet me. Even though Marki and her mom have a sour relationship, she asked her mom to join her in meeting me. Her mother obliged and I was to give her mom a call to set it up.

Marki gave me her number and I called immediately, but got her voicemail. I basically said, “Hi Tami, this is Amy. Marki asked that I call you to set things up, please call me when you get this.” Hours later I called again, no answer. Everyday last week I left her at least one message with no response. As Friday night drew near my hope for meeting on Saturday were diminished.

I got back from an ambulance call around 11:20pm Friday night when I noticed that my caller ID showed that Tami had called…just a few minutes before. ‘Who calls at 11:15pm unless they only want to talk to my voicemail,’ I thought to myself. Not to let it just go, I decided to text Tami. I didn’t want to call b/c everyone was sleeping in my house, so I simply wrote, “Hi Tami. Hoping we can still meet up tomorrow.” I went to bed after sending the message, but when I woke up the next day I had a reply. “Hey Amy. I’m sorry but Meg has a dance competition tomorrow. We need to talk.” My heart sank, What is there to say? I’m here, and I’m not going away…and your daughter wants to meet me! I sent my last text, “Please call me today.”

Well, I didn’t hear from her just as I imagined. Yesterday was Jason’s 33rd birthday, and I tried to concentrate on that. First thing this morning I opened my email to find a message from Marki apologizing for her mom. I explained that she should never apologize for your parents, and though I was disappointed I understood why her mom was avoiding me. Just as I was in the midst of replying Tami called my cell. I looked at the number in disbelief but quickly picked it up before it went into my voicemail.

The tiny voice that I remember was on the other end shaking with nerves. She apologized and I told her that I understood and that I knew she was probably a bit freaked out about the whole thing. She agreed that she was, “A bit unexpected.” I assured her that my intentions were completely innocent and that I’ve wanted to know Marki for years. I didn’t know how to explain my timing but that it was more a less a fluke. I said that I understood that she really didn’t know me anymore but that she didn’t have to worry. “Dan is actually really excited too.” She was really quiet, I did most of the talking…weird. I just kept saying how badly I’ve wanted to meet her and how I hoped she’d understand.

She said that we could figure out something this week. She said she needed to call Marki and apologize too. So now I wait…

I finished my email to Marki telling her that her mom had just called me. I asked her to take it easy on her mom, and to know that I would drop anything to make our meeting work out. Oddly tonight is the only night I have something going on…otherwise for once in my life the rest of the week is wide open.

Cross your fingers (and toes, if you can) because I’d really love for this to happen sooner rather than later…

A Weekend to Remember

Today is all about recovery from my weekend. It’s not that we did a lot, but more that we were constantly going. Friday night was pretty low-key; we simply hung out around the house. We woke up on Saturday morning to what was going to be an incredibly day. The weather was supposed to be in the high 60’s, and being that the highs are normally in the 40’s right now…that’s a heat wave!

Jason, MacKenzy and I went to Como Zoo in St. Paul. Though not the Minnesota Zoo, it’s free and a change of scenery. I hadn’t been to Como Zoo since 1st or 2nd grade so a lot of it was new to me too. The animals weren’t really new; it was my perspective on captivity for the animals. Believe You ME, I’m neither a PETA member nor a “tree hugger!” I am a regular person making an observation.

I have a membership with the Minnesota Zoo and we go a few times a year and never have I felt that the animals were given improper care. Yes it still sucks that a tiger is forced to live in a fenced in area, but at the state zoo they are given tons of space with a lot of attention to proper habitat. The Como Zoo is no where near, in my opinion, an adequate place for most of these animals to be living. Imagine, 3 adult gorillas living in a room no larger than a McDonald’s Playland. I couldn’t help but feel sorry for them. There were two adult buffalo in an area no larger than a typical suburban backyard.

The most disturbing was the giraffes. There were three giraffes in an area no larger than a 2 stall garage. In the warmer months they are outside during the day, but then kept in the smaller area the remainder of the time.

I don’t think I’ll be going back. It’s just too unnerving to see animals like that. I know that in other parts of the world, and even in this country years ago, animals are treated much worse. I just don’t want to be apart of it.

Saturday night I was on shift with the ambulance. We had two very interesting calls that truly tested my compassion abilities, and my smarts. In one patient I got my first Meth patient, and domestic assault…every kid should have to meet a person like that to see what drugs do to people. The woman got her ass kicked by her boyfriend that was coming down off a high, and she was extremely hurt but high so she was incredibly unstable. It really opens your eyes to see something like that first hand.

Going to my first call of the night I got pulled over when I was racing to the ambulance station for a call. One of the city cops pulled me over after I didn't come to a complete stop at a stop sign, and then sped off down the road. Once he got out of his squad I yelled out my window that I was with the ambulance and I was on my way to a call. He APOLOGIZE and said "Drive Safely!" To top it off, yesterday he apologized to Kate (our babysitter who was riding along with her dad) thinking he pulled her over. She told him that it wasn't her but me, and he asked her to apologize to me. he he he

Sunday

Sunday was an out of body experience, to say the least. My older brother Dan and I agreed that we would go together to my grandma’s 92 birthday party. The situation is that we don’t normally socialize with that side of our family. There’s a lot of bad history between us and our biological father, and it’s just been messy. We’re always invited to functions, but never go. Now the one time that we didn’t get an actual invitation to something (my aunt emailed me) we decided to go. Being that our grandmother was turning 92 I had mentioned to Dan that there isn’t much time left and that I wanted to at least go. He decided to come along.

I picked up Dan and we drove to the party together. Walking into the building I joked with Dan that everyone’s mouths were going to hit the floor….and sure enough they did! We walked in and the room went silent. Gasps of “Look Who’s Here!” fell across the room. My aunt that had emailed me about the party walked over and gave us hugs, and meanwhile our biological father realized who just walked in.

Over the last sixteen years I have fear confrontations with my father. He has always been oblivious to why we have nothing to do with him…though to everyone else it’s completely obvious. In the past when he’d approach me I’d find whatever route out of there I could. This day was different. Maybe it was because Dan was with me, or maybe it was because I had MacKenzy with as a human shield (i.e. Conversation piece!). All in all it went completely find and I never once felt like I had to run for the hills. In an odd way, I finally feel like an adult.

As Dan and I walked out of the building I joked, “Do you think we just won the “Most Unexpected to Show Up Award?” He laughed, “No Kidding!”

Afterwards I took Dan home and got a tour of their new house. Love It! The house is 100+ years old and has tons of built-in’s and rooms with the most amazing character. Afterwards we took MacKenzy over to their old place to see their horses. She LOVED them and then didn’t want to leave. I had to practically sit on her to belt her into her car seat. She fell asleep on the way home, but when I took her out of her seat to bring her into the house she asked, “Where’s the horsies?” I answered that they were at Uncle Dan’s house and she replied, “Oh Okay” and then fell back asleep.

I was home all of 20 minutes when the baby-sitter showed up and I was out the door to the Taylor Hicks concert. Kate came to baby-sit and told me about the apology. I had her babysitting because I was going up to Taylor Hicks concert. I was in full uniform because I was working with the medical crew doing standby at the concert. If there had been a call I would have missed the show, but that was a risk I was willing to take (it was a great show!). Well, on my way to the show I was in my own little world trying to figure out something when I looked at my speedometer and I was going 70 in a 55. I immediately started to slow down and wouldn't you know it the County Sheriff came over the hill in front of me. I saw him hit his breaks, so I immediately pulled over and just waited for him. I knew this was payback from the night before. A few seconds later he came back over the hill to find me waiting for him (which I'm sure was a pleasant surprise). As he walked to my window he asked, "And how are you today?"

I simply answered, "Fast" with a sorry look on my face.

"Ahh it happens. Don't worry about it. Are you on your way to work?" he saw that I was in uniform and I’m sure he noticed the fire plates. I said yes (I wasn't going to explain the entire story) and he just said, "Ok. Well have a good day."

"Thank you, and I'm really sorry."

"Don't worry about it, have a good night."

I damn near busted out laughing!!! I immediately got on the phone with Kate (the babysitter) to tell her what happened. I joked that I needed to go buy a lottery ticket...so on the way home I did!

I have to say, it was an incredible show!! Taylor Hicks is certainly fun to watch as he’s dancing around stage. He never stood still! I hadn’t heard his album, but I knew I’d enjoy the show regardless, and I did. He covered a Marvin Gaye song, some Van Morrison, and maybe one more… I would certainly see him again. My friend actually went backstage and met Taylor. She sent me a text during the show that he was incredibly nice and genuine. Another friend of mine was center stage in the second row and she said it was one of the best shows she’s ever been to, “The band was amazing and he was so fun to watch!”

When I got home just after ten, I made an immediate bee-line to the bed! Long day!

Monday

I had to drag myself out of bed this morning. I didn’t sleep very well because I kept thinking…and that’s dangerous. I have medication I’m supposed to take to help me stay asleep, but I can’t take it when I’m home alone with MacKenzy at night. When I take the medication I am out to the world! Someone could jump up and down on my head and I wouldn’t notice a thing. Its great sleep, but scary when you know that you could sleep through just about anything!

What made my day was getting to work and opening up my e-mail. Over the last 6 months I have been corresponding with my little sister that I haven’t seen in almost 17 years. She’s actually my half-sister. Her mom and my biological father had her when I was just a few weeks shy of my 12th birthday. A year later I stopped communication with my father, and therefore lost all touch with her. A few months later, through the grapevine, I heard that her mother got a clue and left my father too. A year or so later I heard that her mother married. Over the years I sent her mom birthday cards for Marki and letters asking to see her. Never once did she reply. My last attempt was the year before I got married. I practically begged to see Marki and have her apart of my life…no response. Not until this past August did I ever get a chance to talk to Marki. She didn’t have a clue that she had an older brother and sister… (to read the back story...click here)

I continually asked Marki to tell her dad about me as I refused to meet up with her until he was aware. As time drug on and she wasn’t telling him, I started to find myself wanting to throw out the rules and meet her. Now I don’t have to!

This morning the first email I read was from her…though I had 60 in my Inbox. She saved the best part for last:

Subject: my super de duper weekend

…ok and here comes the part your gonna absolutely love.... on my way over to kyle’s my sister called and asked if i could drop her off at a friends house so i said i would come get her so on my way into town i was thinking if my day is goin so well why not ask my mom about amy.... so i did it took a twenty min talk about it and she was in shock that i knew so much already but happy that i asked if she would come to with me to meet you.... so i guess what im saying is that i asked my mom and she said that we could meet either down here or halfway its all up to you if your not busy this weekend or the next i would like to have lunch with you and mackenzy please!

Does she even have to ask if I’ll have lunch with her? My reply basically said that I would completely clear my schedule to make it work! I’ve been waiting for years for this moment, nothing is more important! I’m actually really thrilled that her mom will be there too. I want her to see that I only have the purest intentions and quite possible have her realize it was a mistake to keep me from her for all this time. I also think that this could be a healing time for Marki and her mom. Marki has so many reasons to be angry with her mom, and if I can bridge the gap and help them find each other again, it’s my pleasure.

So all the crazy stuff that went on this weekend….the best thing was coming to work on Monday!

Clifford the Big Red Dog

MacKenzy IS sleeping in her own room (still on the floor) by herself!

We are totally blackmailing her, but it's working so why stop!?! Origianlly I was using her birthday party as a means to get her potty-trained.....but seriously, this is so much better.

Jason is better at it than I am. When she whines that she wants to sleep in "Mommy's bed" Jason will say, "You can, but Noooo Clifford Party. If you want a Clifford Party you have to be a big girl and sleep in your room." She'll try and convince him that one of us should lay with her and "hold" her. He simply tells her that big girls don't need to be held to go to sleep and if she wants a Clifford party she has to sleep by herself in her room, all night.

This weekend she came to our room in the middle of the night and Jason simply said, "No Clifford Party" and she ran back to her room and went back to sleep.

Bark or Roar

Okay so I need a break. I slept really well last night, but it seems as though I’m still dragging! Before lunch, and now after I am finding myself fighting to keep my eyelids open! I even broke from my “diet” and bought a Snickers and Welch’s Grape soda in hopes the sugar would give me a little boost.

Next to lying down on the floor under my desk, I don’t know what to do! When I force my eyes to stay open, they cross! This royally scratches my hide. I hate being tired! I especially hate it after a good night’s rest!

Yesterday Jason took MacKenzy to the Build-A-Bear Workshop in the Mall of America to use up a gift card from Christmas. When they were finished he had to call me to tell me about what MacKenzy had made. He played the sound it made, which was a lion roar, then asked me what kind of animal I thought she made. Now this is where her genes are holding her back…she created a lion roaring puppy. This is certainly something Jason and I would have done as kids…and well, still today. I praise her obscure train of thought, but how at such a young age has she started so soon!

This morning MacKenzy insisted on bringing her puppy to daycare. When proudly she presented her lion-roaring puppy to her teacher, Ms. Liz gave the same look I was ever so familiar with during my formative years. ‘Ahh, that’s nice...’

Long Lost Obession

The company receptionist e-mails out inspirational quotes everyday. Most days I simply delete them before opening them. It’s not that I don’t appreciate her effort; it’s just that I have enough emails in my inbox each morning to keep me plenty busy through out the day.

Today’s quote kind of got to me though…why I read it, I don’t know so even that is a little freaky.

The quote:
"Some luck lies in not getting what you thought you wanted but getting what you have, which once you have got it you may be smart enough to see is what you would have wanted had you known." ~Garrison Keillor~

The thing is I had a dream last night that pertains to this quote DEAD ON.

A little back-story:

First I need to explain that I went to a very small high school. Seventh through twelfth grade were all in the same building, which totaled just over 500 students. Why am I saying this? Well, I want to point out that since it was such a small school there was interaction between all of the grades- more so than if you had a middle school or a senior campus.

The summer before I went into 8th grade I went on a church youth-group trip to St. Louis. On that trip I actually got to know people that weren’t in my social network, or grade. One person in particular was a guy named Matt. He was 3 years ahead of me in school so though I knew who he was, I never really had spoken to him prior to the trip. The next summer the group went to Chicago. This was the summer that started my obsession.

Though Matt was going to be a senior and I only a freshman, we had a great time together. The entire week of the trip we were connected at the hip. Now you may think he’s immature for hanging out with such a young girl, but actually it wasn’t like that at all. Matt and I had fun together, and laughed more than anything. We didn’t ever talk about anything specific, but nonetheless we were comfortable with each other.

By the end of the week our friendship became a little more, but really innocently. No need for details, but really it was incredibly innocent. Once we returned back home we basically went back to our separate social worlds. I’d see him time and again around town, we’d wave and smile but that’s about it. I would have liked to try and see where it would go, but I was too chicken to call him.

When the school year started it was the same; we’d see each other now and again and smile or wave. There was an unspoken relationship that went on for the entire year. Once and awhile I’d bump into him in the empty hall during class time. We’d be alone so we would usually go through the basic, “How’s it going?” dialogue. No matter how badly I wanted to say more, I never did.

In the spring Matt graduated. I can still remember him coming up to me to give me his senior picture. I damn near melted into the floor. The writing on the back melted my heart and I still smile when I think about it.

For the next couple summers Matt came home from college and I’d see him around and just as before, we did our smile and wave. I’d see him during the holidays at church, and once in awhile we’d get a few seconds to say hi, but beyond that we had gone our separate ways.

The spring of my senior year, when I had long given up any hope of anything materializing, Matt’s brother approached me. I knew his brother in passing, but never had spoken to him. I can remember the specifics of the moment down to what I was wearing. He came up and made small talk. The entire time I was thinking, “What is he up to?” And then he said it: “I was talking to Matt last night and he asked me about you. He wanted to know how you were doing and where you were going to school next year.” Lost for words I simply pointed to my sweatshirt that had the University of Minnesota logo on it. “Oh, he was hoping you’d come down to XXXXX so he could see you more often.” My heart sank and I damn near passed out right there on the classroom floor. I hadn’t considered that after all these years he’d still be thinking of me. Whoa. I told Matt’s brother to say hi to him for me and that was that.

The crazy thing is I had considered going to the same school as Matt! They had a great graphic arts program and I had intentions of visiting the school earlier that year. My cousin was actually a student there and I was supposed to stay with her during my visit. Long story short, my cousin dropped out and I never took the trip. I ended up picking the U of M not because it was the best place for me to go, but because it would make my parents proud. Dumb, I know.

Over the last 12 years I’ve seen Matt a few times, and we’ve exchanged our smiles but that’s it. I still remember the day when my mom called to tell me the news, “Matt is getting married.” Though I was engaged to my now husband, my heart sank. It wasn’t as if I was sad that he was getting married, but sad to put an end to the decade long un-affair.

Last Easter Matt, his wife, and daughter happened to be at the same church service. The glances were there, but I could tell he was nervous. We’d never seen each other since we’ve married. As we were standing in the lobby after the service all of the courage I never had over all those years rose up and I walked over to Matt. I just wanted to say hi and show that we were both in a great place in life. I said, “Hi Matt” and stuck out my hand to shake his and a look of panic swept across his face, almost as if he had no idea who I was, so I introduced myself “Amy XXX.” He played as if it he was still sketchy on who I was, when his Dad and younger brother chimed in that they knew who I was. Matt’s Dad said that he and I graduated together, while looking at Matt’s wife. Matt interrupted him to say that I was actually a few years younger…hmm, funny you know who I am now! He then introduced me to his wife and his daughter, and I introduced MacKenzy and pointed out Jason standing on the other side of the lobby with my family. It was mildly awkward, but I had the confidence turned on high and just said hi and that it was nice to see him after all these years…blah blah blah. Walking away from him I was thinking “Yea! I’m done with all of that.”

Okay…so back to the quote and my dream. In my dream last night I dreamt that it was my class reunion and we were doing it along with Matt’s class (which would never happen because it’s not like we’re 5 years apart). Anyway… I was married to Jason in my dream but he wasn’t there for some reason. Matt was alone too. Through out the reunion I tried to get closer to him as to strike up a conversation. Finally after the event was coming to a close he approached me and said, “Can I drive you home so we can talk?” That’s the end of the dream. That’s it! Regardless, it got my head spinning!

1. Why is he popping up in my dreams?
2. Where’s my husband…and his wife?
3. Why? why? why? why?

While I was getting ready for work this morning I kept thinking of the dream; wondering what I would really do in that situation. And that’s where this quote fits in.

Had I got what I really wanted for all those years, I wouldn’t have what I love the most right now. If all of the pieces of the puzzle wouldn’t have pieced together the way they did, I wouldn’t have met my husband and I wouldn’t be the mother of my incredible daughter. If all of my what-if’s in life would have actually gone the other way, who’s to say I’d be where I am today? I love my husband, and words can’t describe how I feel about MacKenzy and I wouldn’t trade either of them for second.

What I do wish… that I would have worked up the nerve to explore the possibilities with Matt- not to change the way things are today, but to have that question answered. For all I know I’ve held this flame for him all these years and we are utter opposites that couldn’t stand to be near each other after a month or two? What if he discovered I’m everything he wouldn’t want in a person….there are so many possibilities!

Well, I don’t get a “do over” and I don’t want one. I just wish I could have a premonition or something, to answer the questions. So now here I sit…thinking, which is a dangerous thing!!!

Money Changes People

I want to post a few emails that have been going between my aunt and I over the last two days. It’s basically the family’s dirty laundry, so why would I want to share it? What I’ve learned (so far) in life is that everyone has dirty laundry, and sometimes it’s nice to know that you’re not the only one!

Before Christmas my uncle John died. John is the eldest of my mom’s side of the family. John never married nor had children. His nieces and nephews were the light of his life. When they started to go through his house the first thing that my mom noticed was that he had a Thank-You card on his coffee table from my youngest brother, Matt. The card was from 3-years ago! Next to the card was the Thank-You from MacKenzy’s birthday part last spring. In his checkbook he carried a picture of MacKenzy.

John lived on disability so it’s not like relatives were coming out of the woodwork to stake their claim. My mom knew he had some investments, but figured it would be used to pay off his debts or bills. No one was sure if John had a will, but a friend of his made mention that he had left everything to my brother Mitchell, as John was his Godfather. From the get-go Mitch made it known that he wouldn’t feel comfortable if that was the case. He would certainly split it up with the other nieces and nephews, even if it was just twenty bucks.

After the funeral I learned that there was not a will and that everything would have to go into probate. In my experience probate can take months to years, so I basically forgot about it.

A few weeks ago one of my cousins emailed me:

‘Amy, What's new?... …Are you working the EMS job and the mortgage job at the same time? I ask because you mother thought it was crazy, why would she say that about u? I spoke to her a couple weeks back after her inheritance was finalized from John. I'm curious, would u split it with her siblings/nieces/nephews? She is and will pay a price for it, I hope it's small, she means a lot to me! Anyway, I guess this makes me sorta of a gossip king but, I'm curious what u think about everything? Do u know how unhappy her siblings are with her choice not to split it up with them? Take Care’

I had no idea what he was talking about and immediately responded with “WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT…I know nothing about any inheritance.”

A few days later we spoke and I learned of the drama surrounding the death of my uncle. I talked to my older brother the next evening and he was just as mystified as I was by it all.

Two days later I decided to write a quick e-mail to my aunt to make sure everyone knew, WE DIDN’T KNOW WHAT WAS GOING ON.

So here goes…the chain of e-mails to illustrate how messed up my background is!!!

*********************

Brenda,

Okay so Dan and I are SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO out of the loop that it's not even funny. I seriously just learned about the crap my mom pulled with John's inheritance on Tuesday. Gee, can you say I'm a little slow in finding out?? To make matters worse, I didn't hear it from my mom but from ******** (though he shall remain nameless as my source!). He emailed me asking what I thought of all the John BS and I replied that I had no idea what he was talking about...we talked on the phone Monday night and WOW!

I am SO ashamed. No child should ever have to say that, but it's true. I don't know who she is anymore. The person that did this is not the person that raised me, and certainly not the type of person I associate with.

Tuesday night I spoke with Dan and he was just as mystified as I was. The first question he had, "Are you going to call her out on it?" DAMN STRAIGHT!

The reason I'm writing to you is to let you know that Dan and I just learned of this...and are bothered by it just as much as the rest of the family seems to be. I don't want anyone to think that Dan or I had anything to do with any of this...we are both ashamed to even be in a position for that to be assumed.

I do plan on confronting my mother. If I were to talk her today, it would be the last time for a very long time. I need to cool off a little...but not too much....and then she'll be getting the worse of me. I do not plan to tell her how I found this all out...b/c THAT isn't important.

Love you all!

Amy

*********************

Dear Amy,

I'm sorry this has happened as well. I'm also sorry that you had to hear this second hand and not from your mother. I guess we assumed you knew. But I truly thought about mailing you and asking you where you fit it now.

The family is quite surprised, to say the least, of her actions. This has created an even greater divide in the family, so the saga continues. Sadly. I truly think John probably set up his policy quite a few years ago. He probably put your mom as a beneficiary trusting her to be righteous and fair. That must have been back when they were on speaking terms. Knowing John has spoke highly of ALL of his nieces & nephews, the rest of the family agreed the right thing to do would be to divide it among them to help pay for their education. However being your mom's name is on the policy it stands as a legal document that it is hers to keep. That is what she has decided to do, and there really is no turning back.

So in the end she has written off her family for about $35,000.
Gee, now she can pay off a car or remodel the house??

Good luck on this Amy.

Whoever said kids can do the darnedest things?... so can parents!

Love Always,
Brenda

*********************
Hi Brenda!

I'm very glad to have heard from you. And I do hope you pass the word on to the rest of the clan that Dan and I are 100% on your side of the fence. In every way we are repulsed by her actions.

Over the last couple years Dan and I have really been talking about confronting her on a lot of issues. There has always been that "not quite right" feeling in our relationships with her...but since her illness they have taken a nose dive. We don't know who she is anymore, and do all that we can to avoid her.

Both Mom and Kent have been very controlling over the years. Kent not so much up front, but he'll rag you once he gets a chance. For instance, both of them have a problem with me being on the volunteer ambulance. My mom got on my case when I joined "You're busy enough! You'll get sick if you push yourself too hard...." Oh Shut UP! I'm an adult and can make an adult decision without commentary! There's been times where I'm talking about working a traffic accident out in the sub-zero weather and Kent will say, "Well maybe you just can't hack it." Nothing good to say! I'm volunteering my time for my community (hmm, doesn't Kent do that?) and in turn I get to use my EMS skills!

Dan and I feel as though mom feels she's owed something. Her life has been so off the charts in difficulty that the world should now treat her like a porcelain doll. She doesn't feel the need to go out of her way, because "she's sick." She doesn't have to call and say, "I'm not coming." She'll wait until you call and put on the groggy voice and say that she isn't feeling well. I GET IT, YOU HAD CANCER BUT THE KEYWORD IS 'HAD'...get over yourself! You're alive, so give life a shot!

A year ago when were moving into our house Mom was to take MacKenzy. Plans were to pick her up at the house at 8am, and then bring her home later the next day. At 9am Jason called me wondering where she was...he had a little bored little girl in an empty house. I called and she answered with her sick voice. She said she wasn't feeling well but would leave right away. At 10:15am I called Jason from the apartment to tell him that the movers were done and on their way. Panic screamed through Jason's voice when he said that my mom still wasn't there and now the movers were on their way! I immediately got on the phone but no one answered. I got to the house just after 11am to find Jason in a tizzy, and MacKenzy running around in a freezing cold house (b/c the doors were all open). I picked up my phone and called her...no answer, hang up and dial again, no answer, hang up dial again......again and again until she answered the phone. I went ballistic on her and all she could say, "Well, I told you I was sick."

Instead of hanging up on her I should have said "What about a phone call at 7am saying that you can't do it? Or maybe at 9am when I called!" She called a few days later like nothing was wrong. When I wasn't perky and she could tell I wasn't all that pleased to be on the phone with her she said, "You're not still mad about me not watching MacKenzy?" She tried minimizing the gravity of the situation! I went on a tangent, "You'd freak out if I didn't call to say I was running late for lunch... You did NOTHING! If this would have been a priority on your list, you would have called."

"Well, Amy...I was sick."
"Being sick doesn't exempt you from common courtesy!!!" She ended up hanging up on me because apparently she didn't have anything more to say....and then as usual, a week later she acts like everything is A-Ok!

Sorry for the novel, but I wanted to share that with you b/c it proves that her behavior hasn't been on track for awhile. The "I'm sick" excuse has been worn out for a very long time, but she continues to use it. She's even gone as far as to say that Dan and I weren't there for her when she was sick...which couldn't be further from the truth. Just because we weren't there holding her hand everyday doesn't mean were any less of a supporter.

Dan helped with the boys, while I banked vacation time. I had wanted to take days off to sit down at Mayo with her but she 'asked' for me to wait and use it when she got out of the hospital. I had two weeks off to help her, and unfortunately her discharged got extended at the last minute. I had already taken off the time, so I did what I could. I still was at the house...I cooked meals, cleaned, did laundry, and whatever else I could do to make her transition easier.

So now here we are, years later and she's acting as if we were MIA during the entire thing. Ugh!

Dan has said that he'd back me 150%, so my thoughts are to confront her on this issue and see how she handles it. I'm 99% sure it won't go well, but that will only set the stage for the next step. INTERVENTION. Basically like a drug/alcoholic intervention, but this will be a mental intervention. She needs to get help, and stick to it. She needs to treat people as they deserve to be treated...or sorry, we just I need to step back until you figure it out.

I'll let you know what all happens...
Amy

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Hi Amy,

I will pass the word on to others.

I want them to here me on this family issue as well, so I have cc'd them in.

I and probably many others, share your frustrations on the word "Mother".

I was born to a mother who was not yet diagnosed with bipolar disorder/depression. There has been very many roller coaster rides our immediate family has been on, no thanks to this disorder.

Thank goodness in the 1980's a mood leveling medication was introduced to control the effects of depression, anxiety, panic disorder, bipolar etc. and it's other derivatives.
These conditions are very genetic. I keep this is mind, because I have concluded it is in our genetics on both Tom's and my side of the family. I have watched myself, and my children closely, due to this and have had talks with them on their families medical history. I am no psychologist , but am very much about awareness and openness, because I do not want my family to struggle when there is help, if they need it.

Even though my mother has doctored all of her life there a still quirky things she does that are thoughtless, selfish, and rude. I chose to write my mother off for at least 2 years, through their divorce after 39 years. She at the time was trying an herbal drug and off of the meds prescribed. Not advisable by any psychologist!

We have rekindled our relationship over the past 5 years. Dad has remarried and we are thrilled to see him finally extremely happy to be married to his best friend.
Last Fall I convinced my mom to try a REAL psychologist and quit going back to the family doctor in St. Peter who does NOT specialize in BP and treats her like a lab rat, trying this and that with her meds. No stability in that.
I researched a shrink online and found one for her. She has gone to her quite a few times over the past months. Her meds are stable.
She called just this week excited to have finally gone to a Bi-Polar Group meeting in Mankato, put on by the clinic. She has been going to alanon for years, who constantly talk of drugs and how no one should take them. This has made her feel like she should quit taking her BP meds! So she had, a few times. UGH!
So she is FINALLY understanding that this lack of serotonin disorder is similar to a diabetic not taking insulin. Whew! When you struggle with depression you can cyclically struggle with feeling tired, crabby, and sickly.

I see similarities in your relationship with your mom. Maybe she has acquired through her cancer treatments, or even genetically, with age, depression, which can come on, but like I said I am no doctor. When one struggles with depression they can cyclically struggle with feeling tired, crabby, and sickly. It's easy to bring on the POOR me line.

I don't recommend writing your mom off at this point. I've done it. It's a long haul of awkward, uneasy, frustrating emotions. YES, even worse than how you are feeling about her now. Every holiday, family event, birthday, etc. it's a dragging question, "Should we invite mom?" Of course you should, because she's your mom and then the guilt ways heavy.
Even with as much frustration she has caused you, I have found that if you can call her on the rug on it immediately, and carry on, it's better for you emotionally. In a month or 4, she'll do something again that bugs you, deal with it with her, and keep on. Family members are loved unconditionally, for the most part.

So I recommend you don't do write her off. Consider the idea that maybe she does have some depressive issues, help her realize it, if she doesn't already. Ask her to share what she is doctoring for. Flat out ask her if she is taking an anti-depressant.
If you truly think she needs more help, you may want to suggest it. If she values her kids’ relationships, she may consider it.

Clear the air with her on this issue of John's and carry on the best you & Dan both can.

Keeping my distance seems to work for me. So I also understand the avoidance you feel necessary. It seems the less information my mom knows about myself or the family, the less stories she can assume about us. She still does this.

Go about your good deeds girl. Do what you love!

Take Care,
Brenda

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Brenda,

I know for a fact that she's been on anti-depressants over the years, and I'm pretty sure she's taking them. I think she needs a drug consult! Over the years you have to switch it up...higher dosage or new drug.

I started taking anti-depressants in 2000 after having a melt down at work contemplating my boss coming to work. For weeks I had to sleep sitting up because my chest was so tight, I couldn't talk straight (mumbled), my thoughts were two conversations ahead of me, eating made me feel sick, and breathing was a chore. I had hit a bottom and didn't realize it. Then one day I had the breakdown in the office and it was like a light turned on in my head, "This isn't right." I went to my Dr the same day. After I told her what was all going on she grabbed an Anxiety pamphlet and read it...word for word it was me. It took awhile, but I started feeling a lot better within a month or so. Over the years I had to change up my medications when I didn't feel like myself.

This summer I came to the realization that something wasn't right. I was doubling up on my medication and it wasn't helping. I found that I would dread being home alone with MacKenzy, like it was too labor intensive. All I wanted to do was sleep, and my mood swings were monstrous!

I went back to my doctor and she suggested that I go to a Psychiatrist for a medication evaluation. I met with him once and he suggested that I see a therapist on top of working with him. Can I say this? I love my therapist! She is incredible! I always knew I should go talk to someone, but felt that if I admitted that it was a sign of weakness or looking for the "poor Amy." I had always imagined that it would be a cry-fest and I'd be twice as miserable. After my first session with my therapist it was like a new person was born.

My therapist works closely with the Psychiatrist and so far so good.

In therapy I have come to terms with who my mom is and I've decided that she raised me to be a good person, but I have to work every day to be a better person. We've barely cut the surface when it comes to my Mom but I have defined her in one word: Irrational. She has irrational expectations of people and she justifies her own behavior irrationally. Once I came to that realization it was like WAH-LAH! To work at being stronger I distanced myself from her. When she calls and says, "What have you been up to?" my answer is CENSORED! I've also learned that standing up to her doesn't necessarily mean I have to include screaming. Subtle and firm. The first time that I did it I was damn near jumping up and down.

I'm not perfect either...I've taken myself off my medications before too. Not wise! I'd be fine for about a week (if I was lucky) and then EVERYTHING would start pissing me off. My blood would boil for the most ridiculous reasons. Some time or another the light turned back on and said "TAKE YOUR MEDS YOU IDIOT!" After a day or two I'd be back to myself again. I too have justified my medication as a need, not a luxury. If I don’t want to be that dark and miserable person, I have to take my medications. There's nothing wrong with ME as a person, I just need help. And that's ok. I have also got to remember and give myself praise for realizing I needed help, and was strong enough to ask for it. Many people aren't so lucky.

With that said...yes, the Weber's have a strong ripple effect when it comes to depression. I think and hope the fact that Depression (etc.) is no longer something to be ashamed of and is out in the open, the younger generations will do better.

Amy

*********************


…and that’s all I got to say about that.

Regrets

Today Dooce posed a great question, on the 6th Anniversary of her blog. “Is there anything in my life that I wish I could go back and do differently?”

Hundreds of people posted their comments, and reading each one was actually more gratifying than depressing. The comments were validations of feelings I had once felt (or still do)…and reading it in the words of someone else only proved that I’m not alone!

Below is my response. This was the first thing that came to mind when I read Heather’s question. After reading other’s comments I could have added SO MUCH more to my own (but then it would have been a novel!):

If I could change anything....it would be that I would have come to my senses A LOT sooner about my relationship with my mother. I am 29 years old and just in the last year have come to the realization that my mother is a irrational person, and regardless of what I do she will always have something negative to say.

I needed to have learned that by doing the compete opposite of her expectations doesn't really mean that I'm in control....it just means that NO ONE was in control.

I wish my older brother and I would have sat down long ago and discussed this, rather just opening up about this in in the last 10 months. I would have found out that all these years he felt sorry for me, and wanted so badly to make my mother stop treating me the way she did....but in avoiding the conflict he was keeping his nose clean and not being judged. I would have been far less resentful of him and his freedom!

All in all...had I stood up for myself YEARS ago, I would not be shelling out the $$$ for therapy today.

But thanks to a great therapist, I now feel in control of a messed situation.


So the more I think of that question, the more things that come up. Many of these things I’m still learning to deal with, and some I have learned to accept…but nonetheless they are regrets.

I wish my father was just that, a father.

I wish I would have never lost touch with my little sister and her mom. 17 years later…we’re only starting a relationship.

I wish my stepfather wasn’t such a hard ass, and more of a father figure.

I wish he’d stand up to my mom and get her the help she needs.

I wish my mom would stop all the yelling.

I wish I could save my little brother’s from her.

I wish I would have put some effort into high school- had I, college wouldn’t have been so difficult.

I wish I would have picked a college based on where I wanted to go…not where I was expected to go.

I wish I didn’t care what people thought of me.

I wish I had been more responsible with money, and the feelings of others.

I wish I could control my mouth, think first and then say something nice or nothing at all.

I wish I would have tried living up to my full potential years ago, rather than TRYING TO FIGURE IT ALL OUT NOW.

I wish I would have not refused to pursue a nursing degree to go against my mother’s wishes.

I wish I would have told Andrew I had it bad for him…though I’m sure he knew

I wish I would have met my husband a few years later…I don’t regret meeting him, and if it wasn’t for all the pieces of the puzzle that brought us together, I wouldn’t have my amazing daughter today. I just would have like to have had a little more fun before entering a serious relationship.

I wish I would have not had such high expectations of people…and such low expectations of myself.

I wish I would have realized that Jenny was crying out for help, rather than thinking it would just pass.

I wish that every November 16th I didn’t think “what if.”

I wish Jenny would have failed.

I wish my family would have been more understanding of my incredible depression.

I wish I wouldn’t have let it escalate over the years.

I wish Jason would have kept his mouth shut of July 4th.

I wish his family wasn’t at war with each other over someone’s stupid lie.

I wish Kristi would realize how badly she is hurting her family.

I wish she’d admit that she lied.

I regret having regrets! I could go on forever…..So here's to today!!

Bed or Floor...Hmmm?

In today’s post by dooce, I have decided that I am completely jealous of her. Not in an adult way either….here I am stomping my feet and throwing things in rage like a 4 year old that wants a cookie.

Her daughter Leta is just over 3 months older than MacKenzy and just transitioned to a toddler bed. Leta never tried climbing out of her crib and didn’t have problems sleeping in it. The toddler bed was her parent’s idea. To top it off, her best is the coolest thing in the world- she sleeps in it!

In my case…my ‘strong willed’ daughter started climbing out of her crib over a year ago. Climbing out of the crib was fun and far from difficult for her. She’s a little daredevil and is physically knocks around like a rambunctious little boy. For the last year we have been battling her sleeping habits….or more truthfully, location.

In the first few weeks…maybe months, she was great about sleeping in her bed as long as Mommy lay with her until she fell asleep. I tried to fight this…I refuse to have a child that can only sleep if I’m there to hold their hand. No Way! But NOT doing it also meant her not staying in her room nor going to bed at a proper time (which is still being established!). She would have me cuddle in with her, but that only lasted for a short period of time because the bed isn’t meant for a mommy!! The metal frame that holds the bed started to resemble the letter “U.”

To make a long story short….she now refuses to sleep in her bed what-so-ever! If she sleeps in her room at all, it’s on the floor. She’ll make herself a little bed and crash on the floor. Even better, half under the bed! She’s gotten better about actually going to bed, but there she is…on the floor. Most often she finds her way into our room around 2AM…not wanting to get out of the warm bed (or actually, completely wake up) one of us will throw her between us. If we actually do what we’re supposed to and put her back into her room, she eventually finds her way back, again. Recently we have started to find her in the morning- inches from my husband’s size 13’s. Yes, she will cuddle up on our floor, usually half under the bed, and we don’t realize it until someone almost steps on her head!

So not only does Heather Armstrong get to stay home with her daughter AND husband, she gets paid to blog! Now this! What’s next? If you say ‘win the lottery’ I’m going off the deep end!?!

Hopes and wishes…in the next couple weeks MacKenzy’s getting a hand-me-down “big girl” bed from her most favorite person in the world, my youngest brother Matt- her ‘Uncle Matty.’ My parents are buying a new bed so Mitch (the older of the two boys) gets their old bed (harsh- Queen-sized Sleep Number Bed!), Matt gets Mitch’s Queen, and Kenzy gets Matt’s twin. This is actually a blessing…since Matt is her favorite, we have something to use! I told my mom that I want to make a big deal out of this…making sure Matt is there to “give” it to her.

Please God, please please please…..let her adore this bed!

Spanish 101

Last night I had my monthly ambulance meeting and the Spanish issue came up. Our incident the other night has happened repeatedly but no one has taken it upon themselves find a resolve.

I suggested that I make up some laminated cue cards with the basics:

Are you okay? Where do you hurt? Are you allergic to any medications? Do you have any health issues we should be aware of?

Granted we won't understand their responses, however I can then list medications that people are typically allergic to...in Spanish and English.

SOMETHING is better than nothing! Now that's my new project. Luckily a friend of mine from high school is fluent in Spanish so I can ask her for a little help.

Thank You Ms. Finch

I took a quarter and a half of Spanish in college, but I solely base my Spanish skills on what I learned from Ms. Finch in 9th grade. Ms. Finch was a rather odd older woman that wore the same outfit two-days in a row no matter what. The immaturity of the students often threw her into a rampage of words we couldn’t interpret.

Over the years I’ve done my time in the service industry working along side several Hispanic men and women. Though they all spoke moderate to perfect English, they made sure I learned Spanish. “Mucho Gusto tu Chi-Chi’s”

I’ve never considered my Spanish skills worthy of a conversation nor would it get me anywhere in Mexico. “Donde el bano?” is really all you need isn’t it? Or “Mas Cervesas!”

This past weekend I was on-call for the ambulance both Friday & Saturday night. I was dreading getting a single call because it was extremely cold outside….-20-ish. On Friday night my pager went off just before 7pm, “MVA with injuries, possibly multiple injuries.” The first words out of my mouth, “Ahw Shit!” I knew it….Siberian weather and I have to play outside!

Luckily adrenaline keeps you pretty warm! I had on plenty layers, but it’s not like I can put layers on my hands. I think someone would frown on me having gloves over my rubber gloves!

When we get on scene the first thing the city cop said, “Anyone speak Spanish?” The look of terror swept cross my two partners’ faces. There were two state troopers, two city cops, and the three of us………I was the only person that had an ounce of hope to communicate with the injured.

When I approached the first two men I explained, “Me hablo muy pequino Espanol.” Which actually translates to, “I speak very small Spanish.” Hours later it occurred to me that I should have said, “Me hablo muy pequito Espanol.”

They were all showing signs of being hurt, but it was our job to see which ones needed to be transported, and who should be attended to first. Hmmm… In Dr’s offices and in hospitals they have charts showing a happy face at ONE and a very Sad face at TEN. I didn’t have that picture so I had to figure out a way to say it. Keeping mind that I’m fluent in American Sign Language, I used both skills to get through it, “Como Esta? Uno es muy bueno, cinco es muy mal! (for some reason cinco came out of my mouth rather than diez, but I ran with it)

One guy answered “Muy Mal…Cinco Cinco!” while the other answered “Asi Asi….dos.” I looked back at my partners and said, “this guy is fine, this guy needs a backboard.” The looks on their faces were like “Oh My God Thank You for telling me what to do!”
The third man was the driver and I basically understood that he was okay, but his chest hurt from the airbag. We transported all three (the guy that was fine didn’t exactly have a ride to the hospital) the 4 blocks to the hospital.

Normally once we get to the hospital we’re maybe there 20 minutes…this was not the case Friday night. We had called ahead to tell them that they needed a translator so by the time we got there they had bad news….they couldn’t get a hold of their translator. Grrrreat.

My extremely limited Spanish skills were now needed for the nurses and doctor on staff…can you tell it’s a small town hospital? An hour and a half later a friend of theirs showed up that spoke fluent English, and Spanish…About Time!

An hour and a half after we got to the hospital we were able to leave. The driver and front passenger were in X-ray, and the other guy was waiting for their friend.

On the way back to the station my two partners were laughing and thanking me a million times over. They couldn’t get over that they would have been completely clueless as to what to do!!