Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Long Night

I had a really long night last night, and I'm just really down in the dumps right now- I need a barrel of monkeys to come rolling through here or something.

At 2am I got a text from my sister, Marki...I was up because I was on an ambulance call. Around 2:30am is when I noticed the text. It read: "I need to talk to you asap." I immediately text her back: "What do you need?" I waited and waited for a response, but nothing. I would have called her but didn't know how urgent the message really was and being that it was 2:30am I didn't want to wake anyone. I laid in bed for hours going through every possible scenario in my head. In the middle of the night, I could only assume it wasn't anything good.

This morning on my way into work Marki text me back: "My mom tried to kill herself last night." My heart sank and just thought of all the crap Marki has had to go through, and now this. I was, and still am, torn on my feelings towards her mom. I hate that she has put her children in this position, but I also feel sorry for her and wish there was something I could do to make things better. I can only assume based on stories Marki has told me recently why her mom would do this....and it’s really really sad.

After awhile I asked what had happened and the story made me feel even worse....Children need to be protected from their parent's stupidity! Her mom had gone to her old house (that's on the market for sale b/c she lives with her boyfriend) and sat in her running car in the closed garage. I don't know what led them to her (they don't live with her), but Marki and her little sister (15) Mandi found her. I don't know what state she was in when they found her, but good enough that she's still alive. She was transported to a larger hospital for a 72-hour hold and for CO2 poisoning.

Meanwhile, Marki being the oldest of her siblings has taken on her motherly role again to protect the younger kids. Last we spoke she was talking to her dad about what to tell them.

I'm numb. Marki and I are still building a relationship so it's not like I can do the sisterly thing and show up on her door step to give her the hugs she so dearly needs. I have the sisterly, if not motherly, instincts to want to protect her from all of this, but I'm in an odd position. I'm her sister....but in a step-sister kind of way. Related by accident and really don't know all that much about each other (though we're working on that).

In a twisted way I am also incredibly happy that I am important enough in her life that she felt it necessary to notify me right away...that says a lot and I'm proud of that.

So with that...I'm down in the dumps today. I’m not wanting to be here, but with Marki. Though you don't know her, please keep her in your thoughts and prayers. Thank you.


Love is… being able to confide in someone that everything isn’t okay, and trusting that they will listen.

Monday, August 20, 2007


I am completely exhausted today. It rained all weekend (fancy how it finally rains once all of the crops and lawns have died off) therefore made it a lazy one. We were supposed to have a block party on Saturday- canceled, and on Sunday we had planned on going to Game Fair.

One would think we'd be smart enough not to drag a 3 year old girl to an event, in the rain (drizzle), where the most kid friendly aspect are the hundreds of puppies for sale. This event is an expo of everything you can imagine related to hunting. I went to see the dog competitions. They are so fun to watch! Oh! Did I mention we brought Ozzy with too? Talk about asking for it!!!!

At first MacKenzy was great! She wanted to pet every dog in sight and was really interested in everything around her. Then we started on a downward spirl... She wanted to be up close for the dog competitions, which meant she was standing (with her umbrella) about 5 ft behind the dogs. I would try and go after her and she'd just get closer and closer. Finally, Jason had me hang on to Ozzy and he surprised her from the other side. This was officially the start of the tears.

Afterwards we went to see the new Cabela's in Rogers, MN. MacKenzy loves going to Cabela's because they have all sorts of animals (stuffed) on display; elephants, a polar bear, lions, prairie dogs...you name it. She was absolutely wonderful in there...go figure.

By the time we got home my wet jeans had managed to dry from the knee down....and my pull-over windbreaker finally stopped sticking to my chest. The rain took everything out of me.

This AM Jason said that I was snorring like an old man last night. "It wasn't like your tonsils were rattling, it was a full-fledge 'I'm tired' snore."

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Mental Stability

Sunday was a dark day. A week ago last Friday I ran out of my anxiety meds. Never making my way to the pharmacy I figured I’d just wait and fill it Monday; I am on other meds that I had figured would hold me over. It did until…

I filled the prescription last Monday. When I got home I had intended on taking the medication and then placing the bottle in my bathroom next too all of my other “loopy” drugs. That didn’t happen…

I set the bag down and it disappeared into thin air! I looked everywhere and never found the bag. I was feeling okay so I didn’t stress out about it- funny, can’t find my anxiety medication….don’t stress out about it. Hmmm.

On Saturday I could feel the cloud looming, but I put my best face forward. Fortunately Jason knew I was overtired so he was great about keeping Kzy occupied. Then Sunday morning awakens with beautiful blue skies and “dry” heat!! Absolutely one of the most beautiful days, but there I am like a cartoon with the little rain cloud above my head. It was amazing outside and I was as dark as the midnight sky.

I am very careful to monitor my own behavior when it comes to Kzy. It is my life’s goal not to parent like my own mother; by yelling. When I’m having a dark day I have to especially take notice. I’m sure that I’m short with her, but in my head I am replaying a soundtrack, “Don’t do it. It’s not her, it’s you. Don’t yell” all awhile I can see my mom’s screaming face. If and/or when I do scream at her I feel absolutely terrible. Afterwards I feel like I’ve taken 10 steps backwards in being the type of parent I want to be.

On dark days it’s almost as if I can feel my blood boiling. The tension in my body is so intense that feel as if every muscle in my body gripping on for dear life. I am aware of each breath I take and each thought that plays in my head, and everything around me that pisses me off! My chest is heavy and I’m jittery as all hell. I can’t sit still, let alone in one spot for any amount of time.

Normally on a bad day I would pop a few extra pills (the Dr. said that it’s okay) and take a short nap. Yesterday Jason was on shift so it was just Kzy and I home for the day, which means NO BREAKS! Though it pains me to do it, I turned on Sponge Bob Sqaurepants and crawled back into bed…actually into Kzy’s new bed. Every half-hour she’d come looking for me to start a new DVR recording and then I’d return to the protection of my blanket and pillow. At 2:00pm it was time for her nap…so I drug her into bed with me and we slept until just after 4pm.

I felt mildly better, but since I had errands to run we had to get up. Just as we were leaving I found the pills! It was my pot of gold at the end of the rainbow! I felt better by simply knowing I’d feel better today.

There are people out there that think anti-depressants are a horrible thing. They simply need to live in my shoes on one of these days and they will not only better understand, but they’ll want some pills for themselves.

I’d take my anxiety/depression issues over delusional or schizophrenia. This past weekend I was working ambulance when we had a routine transport from our small town hospital to another, larger, area hospital with a psyche ward. Before meeting the patient we were told it was a 30-year old delusional male. I still have yet to associate myself as someone who is 30, so I didn’t even imagine that the person would be someone like me. When I walked into the room I was amazed that my mouth didn’t hit the floor. The guy lying in the hospital bed was none other than a kid I was friends with in elementary school.

Due to HIPPA I can’t say his name or anything that would identify him, and I would never do such a thing. He didn’t have a clue who I was until I told him my maiden name and said the name of our elementary school. (It was a small town school so everyone knew each other.) Seeing him brought back so many childhood memories it was nice to relive them for awhile. It was also really sad to see someone that was once so full of life, so incredibly messed up.

On late night transfers often times we’re all pretty quite, but not that night. Any time it was really quite for more than a minute or two, the patient’s eyes would get really big and he’d look around like he didn’t know where he was. If I kept him engaged he was relatively normal. It was a real test to come up with an hour worth of questions!!

He said he was brought into the hospital because he called the CDC (Center for Disease Control) and told them he had Meningitis. When they asked him how he knew he had it, he didn’t have a reasonable explanation. He just knew he had it and if they didn’t come and get him he was going to die and spread the disease. When the police got to his house he was standing in his yard screaming at the top of his lungs about the world’s injustices. He also swore that his colon had burst and it was only a matter of seconds before he would die.

What was interesting about it all was that in the back of our ambulance he had enough sense to know what he did and that it was completely absurd. He laughed and laughed.

The sad part about it all, he has two kids at home. His wife seemed pretty solid and loving, but nonetheless the kids have to deal with the fact that their Dad is in a Psych-Ward for 3 days.

So with all of that…I’m okay with having to take pills each day. A couple seconds out of each day allow me to be who I am and stay that way!!!