Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Always Kiss Me Goodnight

To My Baby-Girl (oh, sorry My Big Girl),

As your Mommy I am constantly reminded how fortunate I am to have such a wonderful and healthy child. Yes, your nose runs a nasty green constantly, but boogie kisses wouldn’t be the same without it!

I think God graced me with a horrible pregnancy to balance out the good fortune of having such an amazing child. I’d have a million (okay, one or maybe two) more pain staking pregnancies if I’d be assured another act of perfection. That’s you…perfect.

Last night I had yet another one of those moments. I was on the ambulance last night and it wasn’t a good night. First, as I left you started to cry and begged me not to go. My first thought was to bolt and let your Daddy deal with it, but my very next thought was that I’d better give you a huge kiss and hug. God has a strange way of reminding people that just because you think you’ll be coming back; there are other forces out there that might not make that happen. In this line of work, it happens all too often.

Up until last night I had never been on a call that involved injured children. I knew this day would come, but there isn’t a way to prepare for it. It just has to happen and you have to move on.

It’s easy to say ‘move on’ but to actually do it is an entirely different story. The accident was bad, and a little girl might not make it. There were a lot of factors leading to the accident, but had she been wearing her seatbelt she would be home with her parents today. Right now you quote ‘Dora the Explorer’ and say “Seat Belts! Because they keep us safe!” I hope you remember that always because they really do keep you safe, and they can save your life.

While I was helping the little girl’s older brother, my partners did everything they could to help the little girl. On the scene of the accident there isn't any time for emotions, it’s about fixing what’s broken…or getting the person to someone that can better help them. Not until the reports are written and we’re sitting down away from everything do you get a chance to take it all in.

If that little girl doesn’t make it…her Mommy and Daddy will lose their baby girl, her grandma will know that she was coming to see her when she was hurt, her older brother will always remember that he was driving, her friends in the 2nd grade will learn what it’s like to lose a friend, everyone in her family will miss her more than words can say.

When I got home from the call I had to move you from Mommy and Daddy’s bed to your own (well, the floor of your bedroom because you prefer it over your bed). As I approached I had to stop and stare at you. Your mouth hanging wide open, your hair in every-which direction, and your rosy little cheeks…all the things that tell me your sleeping peacefully. I lay down next to you and just wrapped my arms around your still body, and hugged you. A sigh of relief came over my body as I knew that I was so very lucky to have you in my life…a beautiful….brilliant…silly girl that makes me smile uncontrollably.

Your 3rd birthday is in exactly a month, and there isn’t a doubt in the world that the last three years have been both life altering and divine. You have made me a better person, and you have inspired me to live my life in a way that can inspire other people.

Just this morning we were discussing your birthday. I said that you were going to be 3 and you replied, “No. Two THEN three!” I tried to explain that you are two now, but on your birthday you’ll be three. You made me laugh by saying, “No! I don’t wanna be three, I’m two!” Smart girl.

I love you.


Friday, April 06, 2007

Meeting My Sister...

Last night went VERY well. Prior to getting there I was a nervous, but not for meeting Marki but for seeing her mom, Tami. I had NO reason to be nervous what-so-ever! Tami was great and we basically picked up where we left off 16+ years ago.

MacKenzy took all of a minute to warm up to Marki. I brought a mini-Easter basket full of goodies for MacKenzy to give to naturally MacKenzy was pretty willing to share the treats! The place that we had dinner has a neat nature preserve right behind the restaurant. MacKenzy was glued to the windows most of the evening. Tons of birds eating, but she was distressed that the birds weren't talking to her or answering her....too many cartoons with talking animals I suppose. Just before we left the waitress came running out the bar, swept MacKenzy up in her arms and ran off.....odd. Well, there were two fawns eating about 3 feet from the window in the bar area. When MacKenzy came back she asked to go see them again, so Marki and I followed her into the bar...and it was really cool. MacKenzy's kept saying, "That's Bambi's Mommy!!"
Marki brought along pictures of her when she was younger, and I had originally brought some too but in my rush to get out the door I forgot them on the steps at home. It was really nice to put the pieces together of her childhood...and I'm sure there will be more of that in years to come.

Well, I wanted to take pictures but it was a bit awkward to say, "Hey, smile I want your picture!" As you can see from the photos attached I had Marki and MacKenzy pose together and then I jumped in for a few. I see lots of similarities in our appearance, but more so when I was younger. We have the same damn forehead, now I know for sure which side of the family to blame. Our face shapes are different, and she has the most amazing smile....and never had braces! Damn her!

All in all, it was a very nice evening. We could have sat and talked forever...and being she didn't have school today I'm sure they could have too. MacKenzy was on a sugar high from all of the I'm sure she would have been too...but good things have to come to an end.
Now that the initial meeting is out of the way...we can take it where ever it may lead. When we got home MacKenzy was going bonkers on her sugar high. Normally she would have fallen asleep in the car, but she was wide awake all the way home. She told Jason all about Bambi’s mommy and eating candy with Marki. She said, “We can go there again!”

Monday, April 02, 2007

Meeting Postponed

I was to have finally met my little sister this weekend, and it didn’t work out as planned. Both of us disappointed, but we weren’t in control of the situation. When Marki finally told her mom that we had been talking online her mom was extremely surprised but didn’t shoot down any request to meet me. Even though Marki and her mom have a sour relationship, she asked her mom to join her in meeting me. Her mother obliged and I was to give her mom a call to set it up.

Marki gave me her number and I called immediately, but got her voicemail. I basically said, “Hi Tami, this is Amy. Marki asked that I call you to set things up, please call me when you get this.” Hours later I called again, no answer. Everyday last week I left her at least one message with no response. As Friday night drew near my hope for meeting on Saturday were diminished.

I got back from an ambulance call around 11:20pm Friday night when I noticed that my caller ID showed that Tami had called…just a few minutes before. ‘Who calls at 11:15pm unless they only want to talk to my voicemail,’ I thought to myself. Not to let it just go, I decided to text Tami. I didn’t want to call b/c everyone was sleeping in my house, so I simply wrote, “Hi Tami. Hoping we can still meet up tomorrow.” I went to bed after sending the message, but when I woke up the next day I had a reply. “Hey Amy. I’m sorry but Meg has a dance competition tomorrow. We need to talk.” My heart sank, What is there to say? I’m here, and I’m not going away…and your daughter wants to meet me! I sent my last text, “Please call me today.”

Well, I didn’t hear from her just as I imagined. Yesterday was Jason’s 33rd birthday, and I tried to concentrate on that. First thing this morning I opened my email to find a message from Marki apologizing for her mom. I explained that she should never apologize for your parents, and though I was disappointed I understood why her mom was avoiding me. Just as I was in the midst of replying Tami called my cell. I looked at the number in disbelief but quickly picked it up before it went into my voicemail.

The tiny voice that I remember was on the other end shaking with nerves. She apologized and I told her that I understood and that I knew she was probably a bit freaked out about the whole thing. She agreed that she was, “A bit unexpected.” I assured her that my intentions were completely innocent and that I’ve wanted to know Marki for years. I didn’t know how to explain my timing but that it was more a less a fluke. I said that I understood that she really didn’t know me anymore but that she didn’t have to worry. “Dan is actually really excited too.” She was really quiet, I did most of the talking…weird. I just kept saying how badly I’ve wanted to meet her and how I hoped she’d understand.

She said that we could figure out something this week. She said she needed to call Marki and apologize too. So now I wait…

I finished my email to Marki telling her that her mom had just called me. I asked her to take it easy on her mom, and to know that I would drop anything to make our meeting work out. Oddly tonight is the only night I have something going on…otherwise for once in my life the rest of the week is wide open.

Cross your fingers (and toes, if you can) because I’d really love for this to happen sooner rather than later…