Accomplishments

At my therapy appointment last week the therapist gave me homework. I need to write down what I want to accomplish by going to counseling. The homework is much harder than I had anticipated!

My mind races with things that I want to deal with, change, confront, and feel differently about. Mostly, I want to feel in control of my feelings and my well-being. I want to feel normal. I'm far from ever being normal, and that's not what I'm asking for...I just want to feel it! I'd prefer to feel it without medication, but if that's not possible I at least want to not feel so dependent on them.

My mind races all the time...all the time! I'm very good at muti-tasking because it's normal for me to be thinking about three things at once. It is practically impossible for me to turn my mind off. My therapist told me that its classic anxiety disorder. Everyone deals with anxiety, but there are those of us that take it to extremes!

Seriously! I worry about how we're going to handle kindergarten schedules and my daughter is only 2. I worry about the WHAT-IF's and what good is that?

As long as I can remember I've dreamt about work. When I was serving tables I'd wake up in a panic because I just recalled that I never brought someone their extra side of ranch dressing! HOURS BEFORE! When I worked in a convenience store in high school, I'd have dreams about mistakening $100 bills for $1 bills. My boss would figure it out and call the cops! Now I don't have the nightmares, but I do wake up remembering I didn't call someone back or mail something out...it never ends!

One of my biggest concerns is finding a comfortable ground in dealing with my mother. We have a very strained relationship where I am continually on the defensive. She doesn't respect me as I know she should, however I've never truly dealt with it and I really don't know where to begin.
I don't feel comfortable confiding in her because on countless occasions its come back to haunt me. I might be down because Jason and I are fighting and I'll say something ....something that at the time I see as completely harmless. Later she'll use it against me, making it out to be something more than it ever was. Making him out to be a bad person, or saying that I'm a push over.

Small talk isn't even something I like to do with her, near her, or with someone that she knows. Some how... Some way...it all comes back to haunt me! I might mention that we went to dinner or out with friends and she'll instantly comment on how we're never home and always out. Which is SO not the way it is!

Lastly, I want the ability to play with my daughter without thinking of the fact that I could be doing laundry, cleaning the bedroom, or paying bills. I want to do ONE thing at a time!

Anxiety

Since 2001 I've been taking anti-anxiety medication. In hindsight, I should have been on it a long time before that. Growing up I never knew that my anxiety issues were any different from other people; I thought it was normal.

Looking back I can see how I dealt with the anxiety, and how if I had known that it wasn't normal things could quite possibly be different today. My fear of failure held me back quite a bit. I played that I was uninterested or I would start and give up in fustration. I wasn't exactly afraid of asking for help, but continuely asking was out of the question; I would appear as stupid and in turn, a failure. I didn't think this of other people, but had such high expectations for myself that it only pretained to me.

Criticism was my worst enemy. If someone criticized something I said or did, however innocent, it was a personal attack on me and I would basically be melting inside. I felt like I could throw up, cry, and punch someone all at the same time.

I rarely studied, though I was a good student. Possibly putting effort into something without an added return was basically yet another failure. Why try harder than I have to? If I can "get by" without giving more of myself I should be safe.

Then I went off to college. In all seriousness, I went to college because it was expected of me. I applied to two schools and was accepted to both; UofM-Duluth and UofM-Twin Cities. I played with the thought of going to Globe College for Graphic Design, but when I even mentioned it to my mom her reaction told me that it wasn't acceptable. God only knows if I read her correctly, I could have jumped to conclusions- but that's a big part of the anxiety! I jumped to conclusions based on the the "what if" factors! I seriously chose the Twin Cities campus over Duluth for one simple fact: hills. I drove a manual and was freaked out about having to drive it in Duluth! For those that have never been, the entire city is on the side of a hill. Regardless of where you go, you have to go straight up or down.

During my first few weeks of school I would lay in bed at night thinking of all the things that could go wrong back at home and at school. I had always been my mom's second set of eyes when it came to my younger brothers; what if something happened to one of them that could have been avoided had I been there! What if I went to my class and it had moved to a new classroom? What if I sat in a class for weeks only to find out that I was supposed to be in a completely different class! STUPID STUPID STUPID thoughts in hindsight, but they were all too real then. What I know now as anxiety attacks were an every night occurance as I lay there!

To add to the anxiety I started to deal with depression during my Sophomore year. On November 16, 1996 a good friend that lived across the hall from me committed suicide. I remember the day like it was yesterday, and now it's going on 10 years! It wasn't the first time I had ever dealt with suicide, a elementary school classmate and my grandfather had both taken their lives. In this experience we found her, we summoned help, and we had to deal with the fact that "had we only been a few minutes earlier!" Still today my heart sinks thinking of that day.

In the following months of my friend's death I contimplating leaving school and just leave life behind for awhile. Go West, South, or East...somewhere that wasn't there. The only thing that kept me in school was the fact that my other friends were going through exactly the same thing. At that point I stayed in school for all of the wrong reasons. From that point on I was there to earn a piece of paper, not the education. I went to class, did the work, and then escaped from campus.

The weekend my friend died was actually supposed to be the first time I would have met the man that is now my husband. It's weird to think that one is apart of the other. Two weeks following my friend's death I started my new job and was introduced to him. I remember that night being the worst night ever. It was the first time I had been away the comfort of my friends, and on top of that I was the new girl on the job. Still today I hate the first day of anything! Midway through the shift I had to take a break because I couldn't stop crying. A few years later I found out that everyone at work had been misinformed. They were told that MY roommate committed suicide (not that THAT would be any more or less painful!) so they were all surprised I was even there two weeks later. When I was the sobbing mess they all felt really bad for me.

My husband was actually my direct supervisor. He had been recently promoted, right before I started, because my older brother had demoted himself because he was moving. So for two weeks I worked with my older brother...which can actually be a bad thing.

Months after my brother left town, Jason and I started to casually date. We'd go out for breakfast after work (2am) and just sit and talk. Our first real date was in February of 1997, and he took me snowboarding. We spent the entire day on the bunny hill. Poor guy.

When word got to my brother that I was dating Jason, shit hit the fan. They weren't exactly friends. My older brother called my parents and told them that I was dating a complete ass and blah blah blah.

Since that day, having never even met Jason, they've had it out for him.


to be continued...

Work Crazies

Okay, so if I've learned anything from Dooce (my favorite blog of all time) its not to blog about work...or the people at work. But its so damn hard considering I could write a sitcom based on some of the people I work with.

My good friend Cathie works in the office next door, so she fortunately doesn't have to deal with the crazies...but hears all about it. She's the one that actually joked that I should write a sitcom. We joke back and forth, but seriously it could really work if I could actually write! I know the OFFICE is already on, but I think this could be from a "Bridget Jones" type perspective.

I work with some of the most unstable people in the world; each their own way. Two of the "ladies" are just very unpredictable. One second they can be happy and laughing, and the next they'll bite your head off because you were nice enough to bring them their fax. Then there's "Christine"...

My boss and the girl who works in the next office are my saviors. When the others get to me I just email or visit them. Today Christine was sick, and drove me nuts all day. She was acting like a 5 year old that needed their mommy. A few mintues ago I vented and emailed "Cathie" next door:

Christine has a cold…and is an annoying BABY! First she tried to use my phone to pick up a call…and I jumped all over her, “Use your own phone! You’re sick!” I think I scared her! All day she’s been using Andi's computer and phone and I told Andi to get out the Clorox wipes!

I can’t count how many times she’s said that she might go home early today b/c she needs to rest. It’s flippin’ 4pm and she just said it to me AGAIN…
THEN GO!! Jesus Christ SHUT UP!

I asked her if she could draft a docment for me (I don’t know how!) and she’s like, “Oh can it wait until tomorrow…” I just answered by saying that I’d just have Sally do it instead….”no no, I’ll do it I just need to wait until she’s done with her appointment.” Why she would have to wait until she’s done with her appointment makes NO sense….Sally is NOT using her computer!

Earlier today she came up to my desk asking if I thought she should change the toner in the print because it said LOW TONER and it was printing really light. My response, “if you have to ask me, then you know the answer.”

WHAT THE F%*K!?! Only a child would ask such a dumb question!

God help us all while she’s sick because though we didn’t think she could get any more dense….she’s proving us all wrong!

Cathie said I should write a script for a sitcom with all the crap that goes on in this office.

I can see it...in a Bridget Jones way, with the absurd things that go on here! I would have endless amounts of things to write about!

I'm meant to make millions!

So Who's the Boss Now?

Today I was reading my favorite site (dooce.com) and was compelled to write about the same topic...

My husband and I are currently going through nap/bedtime madness! There are a million people out there that will tell you how they got their little prince or princess to stay in their crib or to transition to a "big kid" bed, but what they forget is that every kid is different!

I have one of the strongest willed children I know. She knows how to push our buttons and she's TWO! I can only imagine the nightmares I'll be having when she's fourteen! She's wonderful for other people...but not for mommy and daddy!

About a month ago she started climbing out of her crib successfully...by that I mean she is able to conquer it every time she tries. When all of this started I bought a toddler bed and figured it was time to transistion. Easier said than done!

We've tried the SUPER NANNY techniques, read books, and tried everything but the duct tape and chicken wire...though it's been discussed! One night, knowing we had about 45 seconds until she was back out in the living room, we turned out every single light in the house thinking that the safety of her night light would send her packin'! We stood still in complete silence as her door opened and she walked right up to my husband and said, "Hi Daddy!" Our freaking kid can see in the dark!!

So obviously that was a failure, but we knew it was just the beginning of crazy attempts.

A couple weeks ago I rubbed my daughter's back as she lay peaceful in her big girl bed, but as soon as I stopped it was over. Well after my patience was depleted I opted back to the crib. For the next 20 minutes I stood there keeping her from shimming down her crib. I swore she would get tired and give up, but naturally I was the one that broke first!

Last week we thought we had finally won...boy were we wrong! She climbed out of her crib and laid on the floor next to the door screaming. She knows how to open the door, so we figured since she wasn't coming out she was fine with sleeping on the floor. We'd go in later and put her in her bed or crib. She screamed for about 10 minutes when my husband broke down and went into her room.

He found a half naked child...peeing on her carpet! !!!

She had clearly won that battle...but the war wages on!

Long Disturbing Road

This past week has truly been a test of both my sanity and heart. We've been dealing with some family turmoil that is basically calling my husband the worst of worst things. I can't go into detail, not only because it's truly a personal issue but to protect my family.

My husband's side of the family, though completely messed up, has always been much more reliable than my own. For years we've had Sunday dinner at his grandmother's most every week. When football season rolls around we rarely miss a Sunday. My husband's cousin, husband and their daughter (who is 3 months older than our daughter) are there too. Once and awhile his other cousins, aunts and their husbands will stop in but mainly it's just our group.

This past week brought the Grand Canyon between the family, and it will never be the same again. The cousin (and her family) that we ate with most every Sunday, her sister, mother and her husband have disowned the remaining members of the family. They have done so because the remainder of the family is supporting my husband. Overnight they have made him out to be a criminal, and the rest of the family refuses to believe the allegations.

I can't say which is worse... the things they are saying about my husband or the fact that they have disowned his grandmother during all of this. She's supporting her grandson and they can't come to terms with that. Being 80+ years old she doesn't watch what she says and she said a few things she shouldn't have....but in the end SHE IS STILL THEIR MOTHER AND GRANDMOTHER! I don't get it.

Maybe it's just that I like to get beat up more than that??? My mom has said MILLIONS upon MILLIONS of unappropriate things, but still here I am putting up with it. She's my mother and regardless of how shitty she treats me, I know she means well. I know she is looking out for my best interest and just doesn't realize that she's actually hurting me. Maybe I'm the messed up one...I don't know.

My husband is in a lot of pain. During the first few days I was his rock, and then this week the roles shifted. I was stupid in thinking that I could e-mail his cousin and help matters...because it only blew up in my face. After doing so, I was a complete mess and didn't know which way to turn. He held my hand this time.

I believe my husband, I really do. I know he didn't do anything wrong because I know HIM. I do fear the worst because there really isn't a way to prove his innocence! I fear at what this could do to our marriage, and to my daughter. I've started questioning myself and I'm driving myself crazy. I'm not questioning his innocence, but questioning if I should take precaution from the worst.

No amount of medication can make me feel better right now.