Wednesday, November 29, 2006

The Spiral Effect

There's the Butterfly Effect, and then there's Spiral Effect as Dooce so eloquently put it.

I have never named my "issue" but the Spiral Effect seems to be a perfect fit. I've never really thought of myself as a worrier, but when I really break it down that's exactly what I am...I just keep it all inside while I play it cool.

The tiniest of things have the potential get out of control in my mind. For instance, last night Jason called me as I was walking into Target, "What did you buy yesterday for $138?" He wasn't angry, but he wasn't exactly bouncing off the walls with excitment either. On the spot I couldn't think of what it was, and immediately I could feel the physical changes of my anxiety. My knees were weak, my stomach turned sour, and my blood sugar seem to crash. (I have low blood sugar issues that require me to carry food with me at all times....really works wonders when I'm trying to LOSE WEIGHT!) Anytime I'm nervous or dealing with my anxiety crap my chest tightens up and I fight to take the deep breath that I need to calm down.

Back to the $138...I told Jason that we weren't going to discuss it while I was in the store and we could talk about it when I got home. I really said that because I was thinking slow on my feet! When I finally got him off the phone it clicked, I was at Target the day before. My safety net...I was shopping with a list that HE gave me!! You'd think that would have given a sigh of relief but actually it just meant that the lecture wouldn't be quite as I was still dredding the worst.

I love my husband dearly, but when it comes to's all my fault. It's a never ending battle that we come across every month when the bills are due. Supposedly I spend spend spend and all he does is work. He works two jobs because his full-time job schedule allows! He is a firefighter and he only works every 4th day for 24-hours. On the weekdays when he's not scheduled at the fire department he does landscaping (and in the winter, plowing). Yes he's working more hours than most people, but he's ultimately not working more days. He has a unique job. And as far as spending......I SO do not!!! I happen to do all of the shopping, so it appears as though I spend all of the money. As far as I'm concerned he can do all of the shopping, I hate it! Once in a very blue moon I actually buy myself something...the other night, I bought myself underwear!!! How exciting is that??

[Our dumb dog keeps eating my dirty underwear from the laundry room....gross, I know!!! I have tried to put them in a laundry bag...but all in all he finds a way! ]

I seriously wore the same black loafers for the last three plus years because I didn't want to spend the money on myself. Two dogs have chewed on those damn shoes and they looked like hell! I finally broke down and bought a pair two weeks ago in black and brown with MY OWN MONEY! I can only say it was "my own" because it was from a Lia Sophia commission check! I rotate the same damn outfits every jeans are from TARGET!! He has no idea what it's like to have a wife that spends money!!

So back to the anxiety...once I got home I was on eggshells because I was awaiting him to bring up the conversation. When the discussion was brought up, I was ready...and once it was over everything was fine...all that stress for THAT!?!

My biggest stress in my life is actually my mother. Somewhere out in the universe there's a perfect balance of how or what I'm supposed to be for her. Her life plan for me hasn't been what I've chosen for myself. I'm almost 30 years old and she has yet to seperate herself from my own decisions. She feels the need to be the commentator to my life, and it drives me CRAZY. So here I go walking around trying to keep her at bay, and try to keep some form of harmony. It's a constant struggle...and it sucks.

In one of my first therapy sessions this summer a word was presented that perfectly discribes my mother: Irrational. As soon as that word was used it was like the light bulb of life turned on. She has irrational expectations of the people around her, but then doesn't apply them to herself. I have to find the right times to stand up to her, not to tell her off but to show her that I am my own person and that this is MY life. My therapist noted that it was best to seperate myself from the things that bother me the most and work on the small stuff first. If that meant distancing myself from my mom, then by all means. With that, when I do see her I make it a point to stay in control...and not let my anxiety show. I still have to double up on my medications when I know I'm going to see her...but for the most part I avoid all topics that would cause any sort of conflict.

Baby Steps.

My new goal in life....has nothing to do with fame and fortune (well, the fortune would be appreciated!) it has to do with not passing this down to my daughter. I don't want her to learn it from me, and I don't want her environment to influence it either.

The spiral stops here.

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