Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Mental Stability

Sunday was a dark day. A week ago last Friday I ran out of my anxiety meds. Never making my way to the pharmacy I figured I’d just wait and fill it Monday; I am on other meds that I had figured would hold me over. It did until…

I filled the prescription last Monday. When I got home I had intended on taking the medication and then placing the bottle in my bathroom next too all of my other “loopy” drugs. That didn’t happen…

I set the bag down and it disappeared into thin air! I looked everywhere and never found the bag. I was feeling okay so I didn’t stress out about it- funny, can’t find my anxiety medication….don’t stress out about it. Hmmm.

On Saturday I could feel the cloud looming, but I put my best face forward. Fortunately Jason knew I was overtired so he was great about keeping Kzy occupied. Then Sunday morning awakens with beautiful blue skies and “dry” heat!! Absolutely one of the most beautiful days, but there I am like a cartoon with the little rain cloud above my head. It was amazing outside and I was as dark as the midnight sky.

I am very careful to monitor my own behavior when it comes to Kzy. It is my life’s goal not to parent like my own mother; by yelling. When I’m having a dark day I have to especially take notice. I’m sure that I’m short with her, but in my head I am replaying a soundtrack, “Don’t do it. It’s not her, it’s you. Don’t yell” all awhile I can see my mom’s screaming face. If and/or when I do scream at her I feel absolutely terrible. Afterwards I feel like I’ve taken 10 steps backwards in being the type of parent I want to be.

On dark days it’s almost as if I can feel my blood boiling. The tension in my body is so intense that feel as if every muscle in my body gripping on for dear life. I am aware of each breath I take and each thought that plays in my head, and everything around me that pisses me off! My chest is heavy and I’m jittery as all hell. I can’t sit still, let alone in one spot for any amount of time.

Normally on a bad day I would pop a few extra pills (the Dr. said that it’s okay) and take a short nap. Yesterday Jason was on shift so it was just Kzy and I home for the day, which means NO BREAKS! Though it pains me to do it, I turned on Sponge Bob Sqaurepants and crawled back into bed…actually into Kzy’s new bed. Every half-hour she’d come looking for me to start a new DVR recording and then I’d return to the protection of my blanket and pillow. At 2:00pm it was time for her nap…so I drug her into bed with me and we slept until just after 4pm.

I felt mildly better, but since I had errands to run we had to get up. Just as we were leaving I found the pills! It was my pot of gold at the end of the rainbow! I felt better by simply knowing I’d feel better today.

There are people out there that think anti-depressants are a horrible thing. They simply need to live in my shoes on one of these days and they will not only better understand, but they’ll want some pills for themselves.

I’d take my anxiety/depression issues over delusional or schizophrenia. This past weekend I was working ambulance when we had a routine transport from our small town hospital to another, larger, area hospital with a psyche ward. Before meeting the patient we were told it was a 30-year old delusional male. I still have yet to associate myself as someone who is 30, so I didn’t even imagine that the person would be someone like me. When I walked into the room I was amazed that my mouth didn’t hit the floor. The guy lying in the hospital bed was none other than a kid I was friends with in elementary school.

Due to HIPPA I can’t say his name or anything that would identify him, and I would never do such a thing. He didn’t have a clue who I was until I told him my maiden name and said the name of our elementary school. (It was a small town school so everyone knew each other.) Seeing him brought back so many childhood memories it was nice to relive them for awhile. It was also really sad to see someone that was once so full of life, so incredibly messed up.

On late night transfers often times we’re all pretty quite, but not that night. Any time it was really quite for more than a minute or two, the patient’s eyes would get really big and he’d look around like he didn’t know where he was. If I kept him engaged he was relatively normal. It was a real test to come up with an hour worth of questions!!

He said he was brought into the hospital because he called the CDC (Center for Disease Control) and told them he had Meningitis. When they asked him how he knew he had it, he didn’t have a reasonable explanation. He just knew he had it and if they didn’t come and get him he was going to die and spread the disease. When the police got to his house he was standing in his yard screaming at the top of his lungs about the world’s injustices. He also swore that his colon had burst and it was only a matter of seconds before he would die.

What was interesting about it all was that in the back of our ambulance he had enough sense to know what he did and that it was completely absurd. He laughed and laughed.

The sad part about it all, he has two kids at home. His wife seemed pretty solid and loving, but nonetheless the kids have to deal with the fact that their Dad is in a Psych-Ward for 3 days.

So with all of that…I’m okay with having to take pills each day. A couple seconds out of each day allow me to be who I am and stay that way!!!

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