Always Kiss Me Goodnight

To My Baby-Girl (oh, sorry My Big Girl),

As your Mommy I am constantly reminded how fortunate I am to have such a wonderful and healthy child. Yes, your nose runs a nasty green constantly, but boogie kisses wouldn’t be the same without it!

I think God graced me with a horrible pregnancy to balance out the good fortune of having such an amazing child. I’d have a million (okay, one or maybe two) more pain staking pregnancies if I’d be assured another act of perfection. That’s you…perfect.

Last night I had yet another one of those moments. I was on the ambulance last night and it wasn’t a good night. First, as I left you started to cry and begged me not to go. My first thought was to bolt and let your Daddy deal with it, but my very next thought was that I’d better give you a huge kiss and hug. God has a strange way of reminding people that just because you think you’ll be coming back; there are other forces out there that might not make that happen. In this line of work, it happens all too often.

Up until last night I had never been on a call that involved injured children. I knew this day would come, but there isn’t a way to prepare for it. It just has to happen and you have to move on.

It’s easy to say ‘move on’ but to actually do it is an entirely different story. The accident was bad, and a little girl might not make it. There were a lot of factors leading to the accident, but had she been wearing her seatbelt she would be home with her parents today. Right now you quote ‘Dora the Explorer’ and say “Seat Belts! Because they keep us safe!” I hope you remember that always because they really do keep you safe, and they can save your life.

While I was helping the little girl’s older brother, my partners did everything they could to help the little girl. On the scene of the accident there isn't any time for emotions, it’s about fixing what’s broken…or getting the person to someone that can better help them. Not until the reports are written and we’re sitting down away from everything do you get a chance to take it all in.

If that little girl doesn’t make it…her Mommy and Daddy will lose their baby girl, her grandma will know that she was coming to see her when she was hurt, her older brother will always remember that he was driving, her friends in the 2nd grade will learn what it’s like to lose a friend, everyone in her family will miss her more than words can say.

When I got home from the call I had to move you from Mommy and Daddy’s bed to your own (well, the floor of your bedroom because you prefer it over your bed). As I approached I had to stop and stare at you. Your mouth hanging wide open, your hair in every-which direction, and your rosy little cheeks…all the things that tell me your sleeping peacefully. I lay down next to you and just wrapped my arms around your still body, and hugged you. A sigh of relief came over my body as I knew that I was so very lucky to have you in my life…a beautiful….brilliant…silly girl that makes me smile uncontrollably.

Your 3rd birthday is in exactly a month, and there isn’t a doubt in the world that the last three years have been both life altering and divine. You have made me a better person, and you have inspired me to live my life in a way that can inspire other people.

Just this morning we were discussing your birthday. I said that you were going to be 3 and you replied, “No. Two THEN three!” I tried to explain that you are two now, but on your birthday you’ll be three. You made me laugh by saying, “No! I don’t wanna be three, I’m two!” Smart girl.

I love you.

Mama