Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Long Lost Obession

The company receptionist e-mails out inspirational quotes everyday. Most days I simply delete them before opening them. It’s not that I don’t appreciate her effort; it’s just that I have enough emails in my inbox each morning to keep me plenty busy through out the day.

Today’s quote kind of got to me though…why I read it, I don’t know so even that is a little freaky.

The quote:

"Some luck lies in not getting what you thought you wanted but getting what you have, which once you have got it you may be smart enough to see is what you would have wanted had you known." ~Garrison Keillor~

The thing is I had a dream last night that pertains to this quote DEAD ON.

A little back-story:

First I need to explain that I went to a very small high school. Seventh through twelfth grade were all in the same building, which totaled just over 500 students. Why am I saying this? Well, I want to point out that since it was such a small school there was interaction between all of the grades- more so than if you had a middle school or a senior campus.

The summer before I went into 8th grade I went on a church youth-group trip to St. Louis. On that trip I actually got to know people that weren’t in my social network, or grade. One person in particular was a guy named Matt. He was 3 years ahead of me in school so though I knew who he was, I never really had spoken to him prior to the trip. The next summer the group went to Chicago. This was the summer that started my obsession.

Though Matt was going to be a senior and I only a freshman, we had a great time together. The entire week of the trip we were connected at the hip. Now you may think he’s immature for hanging out with such a young girl, but actually it wasn’t like that at all. Matt and I had fun together, and laughed more than anything. We didn’t ever talk about anything specific, but nonetheless we were comfortable with each other.

By the end of the week our friendship became a little more, but really innocently. No need for details, but really it was incredibly innocent. Once we returned back home we basically went back to our separate social worlds. I’d see him time and again around town, we’d wave and smile but that’s about it. I would have liked to try and see where it would go, but I was too chicken to call him.

When the school year started it was the same; we’d see each other now and again and smile or wave. There was an unspoken relationship that went on for the entire year. Once and awhile I’d bump into him in the empty hall during class time. We’d be alone so we would usually go through the basic, “How’s it going?” dialogue. No matter how badly I wanted to say more, I never did.

In the spring Matt graduated. I can still remember him coming up to me to give me his senior picture. I damn near melted into the floor. The writing on the back melted my heart and I still smile when I think about it.

For the next couple summers Matt came home from college and I’d see him around and just as before, we did our smile and wave. I’d see him during the holidays at church, and once in awhile we’d get a few seconds to say hi, but beyond that we had gone our separate ways.

The spring of my senior year, when I had long given up any hope of anything materializing, Matt’s brother approached me. I knew his brother in passing, but never had spoken to him. I can remember the specifics of the moment down to what I was wearing. He came up and made small talk. The entire time I was thinking, “What is he up to?” And then he said it: “I was talking to Matt last night and he asked me about you. He wanted to know how you were doing and where you were going to school next year.” Lost for words I simply pointed to my sweatshirt that had the University of Minnesota logo on it. “Oh, he was hoping you’d come down to XXXXX so he could see you more often.” My heart sank and I damn near passed out right there on the classroom floor. I hadn’t considered that after all these years he’d still be thinking of me. Whoa. I told Matt’s brother to say hi to him for me and that was that.

The crazy thing is I had considered going to the same school as Matt! They had a great graphic arts program and I had intentions of visiting the school earlier that year. My cousin was actually a student there and I was supposed to stay with her during my visit. Long story short, my cousin dropped out and I never took the trip. I ended up picking the U of M not because it was the best place for me to go, but because it would make my parents proud. Dumb, I know.

Over the last 12 years I’ve seen Matt a few times, and we’ve exchanged our smiles but that’s it. I still remember the day when my mom called to tell me the news, “Matt is getting married.” Though I was engaged to my now husband, my heart sank. It wasn’t as if I was sad that he was getting married, but sad to put an end to the decade long un-affair.

Last Easter Matt, his wife, and daughter happened to be at the same church service. The glances were there, but I could tell he was nervous. We’d never seen each other since we’ve married. As we were standing in the lobby after the service all of the courage I never had over all those years rose up and I walked over to Matt. I just wanted to say hi and show that we were both in a great place in life. I said, “Hi Matt” and stuck out my hand to shake his and a look of panic swept across his face, almost as if he had no idea who I was, so I introduced myself “Amy XXX.” He played as if it he was still sketchy on who I was, when his Dad and younger brother chimed in that they knew who I was. Matt’s Dad said that he and I graduated together, while looking at Matt’s wife. Matt interrupted him to say that I was actually a few years younger…hmm, funny you know who I am now! He then introduced me to his wife and his daughter, and I introduced MacKenzy and pointed out Jason standing on the other side of the lobby with my family. It was mildly awkward, but I had the confidence turned on high and just said hi and that it was nice to see him after all these years…blah blah blah. Walking away from him I was thinking “Yea! I’m done with all of that.”

Okay…so back to the quote and my dream. In my dream last night I dreamt that it was my class reunion and we were doing it along with Matt’s class (which would never happen because it’s not like we’re 5 years apart). Anyway… I was married to Jason in my dream but he wasn’t there for some reason. Matt was alone too. Through out the reunion I tried to get closer to him as to strike up a conversation. Finally after the event was coming to a close he approached me and said, “Can I drive you home so we can talk?” That’s the end of the dream. That’s it! Regardless, it got my head spinning!

1. Why is he popping up in my dreams?
2. Where’s my husband…and his wife?
3. Why? why? why? why?

While I was getting ready for work this morning I kept thinking of the dream; wondering what I would really do in that situation. And that’s where this quote fits in.

Had I got what I really wanted for all those years, I wouldn’t have what I love the most right now. If all of the pieces of the puzzle wouldn’t have pieced together the way they did, I wouldn’t have met my husband and I wouldn’t be the mother of my incredible daughter. If all of my what-if’s in life would have actually gone the other way, who’s to say I’d be where I am today? I love my husband, and words can’t describe how I feel about MacKenzy and I wouldn’t trade either of them for second.

What I do wish… that I would have worked up the nerve to explore the possibilities with Matt- not to change the way things are today, but to have that question answered. For all I know I’ve held this flame for him all these years and we are utter opposites that couldn’t stand to be near each other after a month or two? What if he discovered I’m everything he wouldn’t want in a person….there are so many possibilities!

Well, I don’t get a “do over” and I don’t want one. I just wish I could have a premonition or something, to answer the questions. So now here I sit…thinking, which is a dangerous thing!!!

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