Monday, September 25, 2006


I am normally not a paranoid person or at least I work really hard at not being that way.

One area I fail miserably in is that of friendships. If someone doesn't call when they said they would, or simply doesn't call at all...I start to wonder. What did I do? Did I piss them off somehow? Maybe they realized their other friends are more important and fun.

I know this sounds clingy and radiculous when you're on the outside looking in....actually I think it's radiculous but that doesn't stop me from doing it. As far as being clingy, it's not that at's all about negative self-talk.

The more I analyze it all I've concluded that it has to be tied to my constant fear of failure. Failure in friendships are a direct reflection on me as a person.

I talk to my friend Chris most everyday; just to say hi or to discuss when we're going to hang out again. Chris is single, so often times she hangs out at our house and its as if she's one of the family. On Friday I called her during work to talk and to ask her if she'd go with to this thing I had to go to on Saturday night. When she answered she said that she was just going to call, but got super busy but would call me back in just a few minutes.

I didn't think of it again until I passed her on the road on my way home from work. I was on my phone talking to another friend, and she was on her phone too. After I hung up with my friend I called her and got her voicemail. I simply said to give me a call and that I had a question for her. I didn't hear from her until the following morning when I saw that she text-messaged me late at night.

All day Saturday I attempted to get a hold of her because I really didn't want to go to the thing by myself. Luckily I gave up hope and called my friend Jodi and she went with me. Sunday morning I found another late night text from Chris saying that she'd call later.

Sunday went by without a call and that is when the paranoia set in. This was not like her and I was starting to play mind games with myself. The more I thought about it the more that pit in my stomach began to quake and the anxiety set in.

This was simply brought on by a insecurity!! I thought my way to a mild anxiety attack! Argh!

This morning I had another text saying she'd call me at work today, and she did. She apologized for never calling me back and explained that she had a crappy weekend because of family issues.

Why do I do this to myself!!

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