Wednesday, August 30, 2006


At my therapy appointment last week the therapist gave me homework. I need to write down what I want to accomplish by going to counseling. The homework is much harder than I had anticipated!

My mind races with things that I want to deal with, change, confront, and feel differently about. Mostly, I want to feel in control of my feelings and my well-being. I want to feel normal. I'm far from ever being normal, and that's not what I'm asking for...I just want to feel it! I'd prefer to feel it without medication, but if that's not possible I at least want to not feel so dependent on them.

My mind races all the time...all the time! I'm very good at muti-tasking because it's normal for me to be thinking about three things at once. It is practically impossible for me to turn my mind off. My therapist told me that its classic anxiety disorder. Everyone deals with anxiety, but there are those of us that take it to extremes!

Seriously! I worry about how we're going to handle kindergarten schedules and my daughter is only 2. I worry about the WHAT-IF's and what good is that?

As long as I can remember I've dreamt about work. When I was serving tables I'd wake up in a panic because I just recalled that I never brought someone their extra side of ranch dressing! HOURS BEFORE! When I worked in a convenience store in high school, I'd have dreams about mistakening $100 bills for $1 bills. My boss would figure it out and call the cops! Now I don't have the nightmares, but I do wake up remembering I didn't call someone back or mail something never ends!

One of my biggest concerns is finding a comfortable ground in dealing with my mother. We have a very strained relationship where I am continually on the defensive. She doesn't respect me as I know she should, however I've never truly dealt with it and I really don't know where to begin.
I don't feel comfortable confiding in her because on countless occasions its come back to haunt me. I might be down because Jason and I are fighting and I'll say something ....something that at the time I see as completely harmless. Later she'll use it against me, making it out to be something more than it ever was. Making him out to be a bad person, or saying that I'm a push over.

Small talk isn't even something I like to do with her, near her, or with someone that she knows. Some how... Some all comes back to haunt me! I might mention that we went to dinner or out with friends and she'll instantly comment on how we're never home and always out. Which is SO not the way it is!

Lastly, I want the ability to play with my daughter without thinking of the fact that I could be doing laundry, cleaning the bedroom, or paying bills. I want to do ONE thing at a time!

1 comment:

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