Absent Minded

I haven't been able to post for awhile; I've been busy finding a job! I was laid off at the end of April and since have been living to find a living! My husband was already working extra shifts to make "extra" cash, but now the "extra" is far removed from reality.

Jason took my lay-off much better than I had anticipated. He's not crazy happy about it, but my fears of him freaking out were diminished when he said, "Well, it's not like it was all that unexpected." The company I worked for was owned by a MN based construction company. The real estate market is incredibly slow (understatement) so they're being forced to weed out people...keep family, get rid of everyone else.

I had already been applying for jobs, so it wasn't as if I had to dust off my resume. The problem with the job market isn't that there's a lack of great jobs, it's that there are MANY people just like me applying for the positions! I applied for a Police Admin job and 168 people applied for the ONE job! I had an inside pull, so I made it to the second round but in the end I didn't even get an interview. I'm dealing with each defeat well because I'm refusing to get my hopes up on any of the positions. I need a job NOW but getting my hopes up is only going to make my stress level worse!

I have an interview tomorrow for a healthcare insurance company. It's a basic Customer Service position, but a friend of mine works there and has had nothing but positive things to say about it. We'll see...

I also have an interview at the fire department my husband works for...yikes. I really really want the position. I know that I'm more than qualified for it, and quite possibly the MOST qualified for it....but then there's the fact that MY boss would be my best-friend's husband. He and I sat down in April and discussed the possibility and he's really on the fence. I know he's an incredible pain to work for but I really do think I can work through that with him. He and I have a open relationship...that may not sound right, but what I'm trying to say is that I have always been able to tell him 'like it is.' When he's being an ass, I tell him he's being an ass. I don't mix words with him. I've known him for almost 7-years now (I knew him before I knew his wife), and think there really isn't anything we can't work through. I can compromise and deal with things...otherwise known as 'biting my tongue,' and he will adjust to the fact that he can't get away with treating me (his assistant) like shit...like he does to everyone else in that place.

We'll see...I refuse to get my hopes up, but I am not going to dance around the fact that this job would change A LOT for my family.

Since I last posted MacKenzy turned 3! We had a great time and I'll post pictures soon.
We have also cracked the whip (figuratively) on the potty-training issue. There's no turning back, and its full steam ahead...and the future is looking bright!

Always Kiss Me Goodnight

To My Baby-Girl (oh, sorry My Big Girl),

As your Mommy I am constantly reminded how fortunate I am to have such a wonderful and healthy child. Yes, your nose runs a nasty green constantly, but boogie kisses wouldn’t be the same without it!

I think God graced me with a horrible pregnancy to balance out the good fortune of having such an amazing child. I’d have a million (okay, one or maybe two) more pain staking pregnancies if I’d be assured another act of perfection. That’s you…perfect.

Last night I had yet another one of those moments. I was on the ambulance last night and it wasn’t a good night. First, as I left you started to cry and begged me not to go. My first thought was to bolt and let your Daddy deal with it, but my very next thought was that I’d better give you a huge kiss and hug. God has a strange way of reminding people that just because you think you’ll be coming back; there are other forces out there that might not make that happen. In this line of work, it happens all too often.

Up until last night I had never been on a call that involved injured children. I knew this day would come, but there isn’t a way to prepare for it. It just has to happen and you have to move on.

It’s easy to say ‘move on’ but to actually do it is an entirely different story. The accident was bad, and a little girl might not make it. There were a lot of factors leading to the accident, but had she been wearing her seatbelt she would be home with her parents today. Right now you quote ‘Dora the Explorer’ and say “Seat Belts! Because they keep us safe!” I hope you remember that always because they really do keep you safe, and they can save your life.

While I was helping the little girl’s older brother, my partners did everything they could to help the little girl. On the scene of the accident there isn't any time for emotions, it’s about fixing what’s broken…or getting the person to someone that can better help them. Not until the reports are written and we’re sitting down away from everything do you get a chance to take it all in.

If that little girl doesn’t make it…her Mommy and Daddy will lose their baby girl, her grandma will know that she was coming to see her when she was hurt, her older brother will always remember that he was driving, her friends in the 2nd grade will learn what it’s like to lose a friend, everyone in her family will miss her more than words can say.

When I got home from the call I had to move you from Mommy and Daddy’s bed to your own (well, the floor of your bedroom because you prefer it over your bed). As I approached I had to stop and stare at you. Your mouth hanging wide open, your hair in every-which direction, and your rosy little cheeks…all the things that tell me your sleeping peacefully. I lay down next to you and just wrapped my arms around your still body, and hugged you. A sigh of relief came over my body as I knew that I was so very lucky to have you in my life…a beautiful….brilliant…silly girl that makes me smile uncontrollably.

Your 3rd birthday is in exactly a month, and there isn’t a doubt in the world that the last three years have been both life altering and divine. You have made me a better person, and you have inspired me to live my life in a way that can inspire other people.

Just this morning we were discussing your birthday. I said that you were going to be 3 and you replied, “No. Two THEN three!” I tried to explain that you are two now, but on your birthday you’ll be three. You made me laugh by saying, “No! I don’t wanna be three, I’m two!” Smart girl.

I love you.

Mama

Meeting My Sister...

Last night went VERY well. Prior to getting there I was a nervous, but not for meeting Marki but for seeing her mom, Tami. I had NO reason to be nervous what-so-ever! Tami was great and we basically picked up where we left off 16+ years ago.

MacKenzy took all of a minute to warm up to Marki. I brought a mini-Easter basket full of goodies for MacKenzy to give to Marki....so naturally MacKenzy was pretty willing to share the treats! The place that we had dinner has a neat nature preserve right behind the restaurant. MacKenzy was glued to the windows most of the evening. Tons of birds eating, but she was distressed that the birds weren't talking to her or answering her....too many cartoons with talking animals I suppose. Just before we left the waitress came running out the bar, swept MacKenzy up in her arms and ran off.....odd. Well, there were two fawns eating about 3 feet from the window in the bar area. When MacKenzy came back she asked to go see them again, so Marki and I followed her into the bar...and it was really cool. MacKenzy's kept saying, "That's Bambi's Mommy!!"
Marki brought along pictures of her when she was younger, and I had originally brought some too but in my rush to get out the door I forgot them on the steps at home. It was really nice to put the pieces together of her childhood...and I'm sure there will be more of that in years to come.

Well, I wanted to take pictures but it was a bit awkward to say, "Hey, smile I want your picture!" As you can see from the photos attached I had Marki and MacKenzy pose together and then I jumped in for a few. I see lots of similarities in our appearance, but more so when I was younger. We have the same damn forehead, now I know for sure which side of the family to blame. Our face shapes are different, and she has the most amazing smile....and never had braces! Damn her!

All in all, it was a very nice evening. We could have sat and talked forever...and being she didn't have school today I'm sure they could have too. MacKenzy was on a sugar high from all of the candy...so I'm sure she would have been too...but good things have to come to an end.
Now that the initial meeting is out of the way...we can take it where ever it may lead. When we got home MacKenzy was going bonkers on her sugar high. Normally she would have fallen asleep in the car, but she was wide awake all the way home. She told Jason all about Bambi’s mommy and eating candy with Marki. She said, “We can go there again!”

Meeting Postponed

I was to have finally met my little sister this weekend, and it didn’t work out as planned. Both of us disappointed, but we weren’t in control of the situation. When Marki finally told her mom that we had been talking online her mom was extremely surprised but didn’t shoot down any request to meet me. Even though Marki and her mom have a sour relationship, she asked her mom to join her in meeting me. Her mother obliged and I was to give her mom a call to set it up.

Marki gave me her number and I called immediately, but got her voicemail. I basically said, “Hi Tami, this is Amy. Marki asked that I call you to set things up, please call me when you get this.” Hours later I called again, no answer. Everyday last week I left her at least one message with no response. As Friday night drew near my hope for meeting on Saturday were diminished.

I got back from an ambulance call around 11:20pm Friday night when I noticed that my caller ID showed that Tami had called…just a few minutes before. ‘Who calls at 11:15pm unless they only want to talk to my voicemail,’ I thought to myself. Not to let it just go, I decided to text Tami. I didn’t want to call b/c everyone was sleeping in my house, so I simply wrote, “Hi Tami. Hoping we can still meet up tomorrow.” I went to bed after sending the message, but when I woke up the next day I had a reply. “Hey Amy. I’m sorry but Meg has a dance competition tomorrow. We need to talk.” My heart sank, What is there to say? I’m here, and I’m not going away…and your daughter wants to meet me! I sent my last text, “Please call me today.”

Well, I didn’t hear from her just as I imagined. Yesterday was Jason’s 33rd birthday, and I tried to concentrate on that. First thing this morning I opened my email to find a message from Marki apologizing for her mom. I explained that she should never apologize for your parents, and though I was disappointed I understood why her mom was avoiding me. Just as I was in the midst of replying Tami called my cell. I looked at the number in disbelief but quickly picked it up before it went into my voicemail.

The tiny voice that I remember was on the other end shaking with nerves. She apologized and I told her that I understood and that I knew she was probably a bit freaked out about the whole thing. She agreed that she was, “A bit unexpected.” I assured her that my intentions were completely innocent and that I’ve wanted to know Marki for years. I didn’t know how to explain my timing but that it was more a less a fluke. I said that I understood that she really didn’t know me anymore but that she didn’t have to worry. “Dan is actually really excited too.” She was really quiet, I did most of the talking…weird. I just kept saying how badly I’ve wanted to meet her and how I hoped she’d understand.

She said that we could figure out something this week. She said she needed to call Marki and apologize too. So now I wait…

I finished my email to Marki telling her that her mom had just called me. I asked her to take it easy on her mom, and to know that I would drop anything to make our meeting work out. Oddly tonight is the only night I have something going on…otherwise for once in my life the rest of the week is wide open.

Cross your fingers (and toes, if you can) because I’d really love for this to happen sooner rather than later…

A Weekend to Remember

Today is all about recovery from my weekend. It’s not that we did a lot, but more that we were constantly going. Friday night was pretty low-key; we simply hung out around the house. We woke up on Saturday morning to what was going to be an incredibly day. The weather was supposed to be in the high 60’s, and being that the highs are normally in the 40’s right now…that’s a heat wave!

Jason, MacKenzy and I went to Como Zoo in St. Paul. Though not the Minnesota Zoo, it’s free and a change of scenery. I hadn’t been to Como Zoo since 1st or 2nd grade so a lot of it was new to me too. The animals weren’t really new; it was my perspective on captivity for the animals. Believe You ME, I’m neither a PETA member nor a “tree hugger!” I am a regular person making an observation.

I have a membership with the Minnesota Zoo and we go a few times a year and never have I felt that the animals were given improper care. Yes it still sucks that a tiger is forced to live in a fenced in area, but at the state zoo they are given tons of space with a lot of attention to proper habitat. The Como Zoo is no where near, in my opinion, an adequate place for most of these animals to be living. Imagine, 3 adult gorillas living in a room no larger than a McDonald’s Playland. I couldn’t help but feel sorry for them. There were two adult buffalo in an area no larger than a typical suburban backyard.

The most disturbing was the giraffes. There were three giraffes in an area no larger than a 2 stall garage. In the warmer months they are outside during the day, but then kept in the smaller area the remainder of the time.

I don’t think I’ll be going back. It’s just too unnerving to see animals like that. I know that in other parts of the world, and even in this country years ago, animals are treated much worse. I just don’t want to be apart of it.

Saturday night I was on shift with the ambulance. We had two very interesting calls that truly tested my compassion abilities, and my smarts. In one patient I got my first Meth patient, and domestic assault…every kid should have to meet a person like that to see what drugs do to people. The woman got her ass kicked by her boyfriend that was coming down off a high, and she was extremely hurt but high so she was incredibly unstable. It really opens your eyes to see something like that first hand.

Going to my first call of the night I got pulled over when I was racing to the ambulance station for a call. One of the city cops pulled me over after I didn't come to a complete stop at a stop sign, and then sped off down the road. Once he got out of his squad I yelled out my window that I was with the ambulance and I was on my way to a call. He APOLOGIZE and said "Drive Safely!" To top it off, yesterday he apologized to Kate (our babysitter who was riding along with her dad) thinking he pulled her over. She told him that it wasn't her but me, and he asked her to apologize to me. he he he

Sunday

Sunday was an out of body experience, to say the least. My older brother Dan and I agreed that we would go together to my grandma’s 92 birthday party. The situation is that we don’t normally socialize with that side of our family. There’s a lot of bad history between us and our biological father, and it’s just been messy. We’re always invited to functions, but never go. Now the one time that we didn’t get an actual invitation to something (my aunt emailed me) we decided to go. Being that our grandmother was turning 92 I had mentioned to Dan that there isn’t much time left and that I wanted to at least go. He decided to come along.

I picked up Dan and we drove to the party together. Walking into the building I joked with Dan that everyone’s mouths were going to hit the floor….and sure enough they did! We walked in and the room went silent. Gasps of “Look Who’s Here!” fell across the room. My aunt that had emailed me about the party walked over and gave us hugs, and meanwhile our biological father realized who just walked in.

Over the last sixteen years I have fear confrontations with my father. He has always been oblivious to why we have nothing to do with him…though to everyone else it’s completely obvious. In the past when he’d approach me I’d find whatever route out of there I could. This day was different. Maybe it was because Dan was with me, or maybe it was because I had MacKenzy with as a human shield (i.e. Conversation piece!). All in all it went completely find and I never once felt like I had to run for the hills. In an odd way, I finally feel like an adult.

As Dan and I walked out of the building I joked, “Do you think we just won the “Most Unexpected to Show Up Award?” He laughed, “No Kidding!”

Afterwards I took Dan home and got a tour of their new house. Love It! The house is 100+ years old and has tons of built-in’s and rooms with the most amazing character. Afterwards we took MacKenzy over to their old place to see their horses. She LOVED them and then didn’t want to leave. I had to practically sit on her to belt her into her car seat. She fell asleep on the way home, but when I took her out of her seat to bring her into the house she asked, “Where’s the horsies?” I answered that they were at Uncle Dan’s house and she replied, “Oh Okay” and then fell back asleep.

I was home all of 20 minutes when the baby-sitter showed up and I was out the door to the Taylor Hicks concert. Kate came to baby-sit and told me about the apology. I had her babysitting because I was going up to Taylor Hicks concert. I was in full uniform because I was working with the medical crew doing standby at the concert. If there had been a call I would have missed the show, but that was a risk I was willing to take (it was a great show!). Well, on my way to the show I was in my own little world trying to figure out something when I looked at my speedometer and I was going 70 in a 55. I immediately started to slow down and wouldn't you know it the County Sheriff came over the hill in front of me. I saw him hit his breaks, so I immediately pulled over and just waited for him. I knew this was payback from the night before. A few seconds later he came back over the hill to find me waiting for him (which I'm sure was a pleasant surprise). As he walked to my window he asked, "And how are you today?"

I simply answered, "Fast" with a sorry look on my face.

"Ahh it happens. Don't worry about it. Are you on your way to work?" he saw that I was in uniform and I’m sure he noticed the fire plates. I said yes (I wasn't going to explain the entire story) and he just said, "Ok. Well have a good day."

"Thank you, and I'm really sorry."

"Don't worry about it, have a good night."

I damn near busted out laughing!!! I immediately got on the phone with Kate (the babysitter) to tell her what happened. I joked that I needed to go buy a lottery ticket...so on the way home I did!

I have to say, it was an incredible show!! Taylor Hicks is certainly fun to watch as he’s dancing around stage. He never stood still! I hadn’t heard his album, but I knew I’d enjoy the show regardless, and I did. He covered a Marvin Gaye song, some Van Morrison, and maybe one more… I would certainly see him again. My friend actually went backstage and met Taylor. She sent me a text during the show that he was incredibly nice and genuine. Another friend of mine was center stage in the second row and she said it was one of the best shows she’s ever been to, “The band was amazing and he was so fun to watch!”

When I got home just after ten, I made an immediate bee-line to the bed! Long day!

Monday

I had to drag myself out of bed this morning. I didn’t sleep very well because I kept thinking…and that’s dangerous. I have medication I’m supposed to take to help me stay asleep, but I can’t take it when I’m home alone with MacKenzy at night. When I take the medication I am out to the world! Someone could jump up and down on my head and I wouldn’t notice a thing. Its great sleep, but scary when you know that you could sleep through just about anything!

What made my day was getting to work and opening up my e-mail. Over the last 6 months I have been corresponding with my little sister that I haven’t seen in almost 17 years. She’s actually my half-sister. Her mom and my biological father had her when I was just a few weeks shy of my 12th birthday. A year later I stopped communication with my father, and therefore lost all touch with her. A few months later, through the grapevine, I heard that her mother got a clue and left my father too. A year or so later I heard that her mother married. Over the years I sent her mom birthday cards for Marki and letters asking to see her. Never once did she reply. My last attempt was the year before I got married. I practically begged to see Marki and have her apart of my life…no response. Not until this past August did I ever get a chance to talk to Marki. She didn’t have a clue that she had an older brother and sister… (to read the back story...click here)

I continually asked Marki to tell her dad about me as I refused to meet up with her until he was aware. As time drug on and she wasn’t telling him, I started to find myself wanting to throw out the rules and meet her. Now I don’t have to!

This morning the first email I read was from her…though I had 60 in my Inbox. She saved the best part for last:

Subject: my super de duper weekend

…ok and here comes the part your gonna absolutely love.... on my way over to kyle’s my sister called and asked if i could drop her off at a friends house so i said i would come get her so on my way into town i was thinking if my day is goin so well why not ask my mom about amy.... so i did it took a twenty min talk about it and she was in shock that i knew so much already but happy that i asked if she would come to with me to meet you.... so i guess what im saying is that i asked my mom and she said that we could meet either down here or halfway its all up to you if your not busy this weekend or the next i would like to have lunch with you and mackenzy please!

Does she even have to ask if I’ll have lunch with her? My reply basically said that I would completely clear my schedule to make it work! I’ve been waiting for years for this moment, nothing is more important! I’m actually really thrilled that her mom will be there too. I want her to see that I only have the purest intentions and quite possible have her realize it was a mistake to keep me from her for all this time. I also think that this could be a healing time for Marki and her mom. Marki has so many reasons to be angry with her mom, and if I can bridge the gap and help them find each other again, it’s my pleasure.

So all the crazy stuff that went on this weekend….the best thing was coming to work on Monday!

Clifford the Big Red Dog

MacKenzy IS sleeping in her own room (still on the floor) by herself!

We are totally blackmailing her, but it's working so why stop!?! Origianlly I was using her birthday party as a means to get her potty-trained.....but seriously, this is so much better.

Jason is better at it than I am. When she whines that she wants to sleep in "Mommy's bed" Jason will say, "You can, but Noooo Clifford Party. If you want a Clifford Party you have to be a big girl and sleep in your room." She'll try and convince him that one of us should lay with her and "hold" her. He simply tells her that big girls don't need to be held to go to sleep and if she wants a Clifford party she has to sleep by herself in her room, all night.

This weekend she came to our room in the middle of the night and Jason simply said, "No Clifford Party" and she ran back to her room and went back to sleep.

Bark or Roar

Okay so I need a break. I slept really well last night, but it seems as though I’m still dragging! Before lunch, and now after I am finding myself fighting to keep my eyelids open! I even broke from my “diet” and bought a Snickers and Welch’s Grape soda in hopes the sugar would give me a little boost.

Next to lying down on the floor under my desk, I don’t know what to do! When I force my eyes to stay open, they cross! This royally scratches my hide. I hate being tired! I especially hate it after a good night’s rest!

Yesterday Jason took MacKenzy to the Build-A-Bear Workshop in the Mall of America to use up a gift card from Christmas. When they were finished he had to call me to tell me about what MacKenzy had made. He played the sound it made, which was a lion roar, then asked me what kind of animal I thought she made. Now this is where her genes are holding her back…she created a lion roaring puppy. This is certainly something Jason and I would have done as kids…and well, still today. I praise her obscure train of thought, but how at such a young age has she started so soon!

This morning MacKenzy insisted on bringing her puppy to daycare. When proudly she presented her lion-roaring puppy to her teacher, Ms. Liz gave the same look I was ever so familiar with during my formative years. ‘Ahh, that’s nice...’

Long Lost Obession

The company receptionist e-mails out inspirational quotes everyday. Most days I simply delete them before opening them. It’s not that I don’t appreciate her effort; it’s just that I have enough emails in my inbox each morning to keep me plenty busy through out the day.

Today’s quote kind of got to me though…why I read it, I don’t know so even that is a little freaky.

The quote:
"Some luck lies in not getting what you thought you wanted but getting what you have, which once you have got it you may be smart enough to see is what you would have wanted had you known." ~Garrison Keillor~

The thing is I had a dream last night that pertains to this quote DEAD ON.

A little back-story:

First I need to explain that I went to a very small high school. Seventh through twelfth grade were all in the same building, which totaled just over 500 students. Why am I saying this? Well, I want to point out that since it was such a small school there was interaction between all of the grades- more so than if you had a middle school or a senior campus.

The summer before I went into 8th grade I went on a church youth-group trip to St. Louis. On that trip I actually got to know people that weren’t in my social network, or grade. One person in particular was a guy named Matt. He was 3 years ahead of me in school so though I knew who he was, I never really had spoken to him prior to the trip. The next summer the group went to Chicago. This was the summer that started my obsession.

Though Matt was going to be a senior and I only a freshman, we had a great time together. The entire week of the trip we were connected at the hip. Now you may think he’s immature for hanging out with such a young girl, but actually it wasn’t like that at all. Matt and I had fun together, and laughed more than anything. We didn’t ever talk about anything specific, but nonetheless we were comfortable with each other.

By the end of the week our friendship became a little more, but really innocently. No need for details, but really it was incredibly innocent. Once we returned back home we basically went back to our separate social worlds. I’d see him time and again around town, we’d wave and smile but that’s about it. I would have liked to try and see where it would go, but I was too chicken to call him.

When the school year started it was the same; we’d see each other now and again and smile or wave. There was an unspoken relationship that went on for the entire year. Once and awhile I’d bump into him in the empty hall during class time. We’d be alone so we would usually go through the basic, “How’s it going?” dialogue. No matter how badly I wanted to say more, I never did.

In the spring Matt graduated. I can still remember him coming up to me to give me his senior picture. I damn near melted into the floor. The writing on the back melted my heart and I still smile when I think about it.

For the next couple summers Matt came home from college and I’d see him around and just as before, we did our smile and wave. I’d see him during the holidays at church, and once in awhile we’d get a few seconds to say hi, but beyond that we had gone our separate ways.

The spring of my senior year, when I had long given up any hope of anything materializing, Matt’s brother approached me. I knew his brother in passing, but never had spoken to him. I can remember the specifics of the moment down to what I was wearing. He came up and made small talk. The entire time I was thinking, “What is he up to?” And then he said it: “I was talking to Matt last night and he asked me about you. He wanted to know how you were doing and where you were going to school next year.” Lost for words I simply pointed to my sweatshirt that had the University of Minnesota logo on it. “Oh, he was hoping you’d come down to XXXXX so he could see you more often.” My heart sank and I damn near passed out right there on the classroom floor. I hadn’t considered that after all these years he’d still be thinking of me. Whoa. I told Matt’s brother to say hi to him for me and that was that.

The crazy thing is I had considered going to the same school as Matt! They had a great graphic arts program and I had intentions of visiting the school earlier that year. My cousin was actually a student there and I was supposed to stay with her during my visit. Long story short, my cousin dropped out and I never took the trip. I ended up picking the U of M not because it was the best place for me to go, but because it would make my parents proud. Dumb, I know.

Over the last 12 years I’ve seen Matt a few times, and we’ve exchanged our smiles but that’s it. I still remember the day when my mom called to tell me the news, “Matt is getting married.” Though I was engaged to my now husband, my heart sank. It wasn’t as if I was sad that he was getting married, but sad to put an end to the decade long un-affair.

Last Easter Matt, his wife, and daughter happened to be at the same church service. The glances were there, but I could tell he was nervous. We’d never seen each other since we’ve married. As we were standing in the lobby after the service all of the courage I never had over all those years rose up and I walked over to Matt. I just wanted to say hi and show that we were both in a great place in life. I said, “Hi Matt” and stuck out my hand to shake his and a look of panic swept across his face, almost as if he had no idea who I was, so I introduced myself “Amy XXX.” He played as if it he was still sketchy on who I was, when his Dad and younger brother chimed in that they knew who I was. Matt’s Dad said that he and I graduated together, while looking at Matt’s wife. Matt interrupted him to say that I was actually a few years younger…hmm, funny you know who I am now! He then introduced me to his wife and his daughter, and I introduced MacKenzy and pointed out Jason standing on the other side of the lobby with my family. It was mildly awkward, but I had the confidence turned on high and just said hi and that it was nice to see him after all these years…blah blah blah. Walking away from him I was thinking “Yea! I’m done with all of that.”

Okay…so back to the quote and my dream. In my dream last night I dreamt that it was my class reunion and we were doing it along with Matt’s class (which would never happen because it’s not like we’re 5 years apart). Anyway… I was married to Jason in my dream but he wasn’t there for some reason. Matt was alone too. Through out the reunion I tried to get closer to him as to strike up a conversation. Finally after the event was coming to a close he approached me and said, “Can I drive you home so we can talk?” That’s the end of the dream. That’s it! Regardless, it got my head spinning!

1. Why is he popping up in my dreams?
2. Where’s my husband…and his wife?
3. Why? why? why? why?

While I was getting ready for work this morning I kept thinking of the dream; wondering what I would really do in that situation. And that’s where this quote fits in.

Had I got what I really wanted for all those years, I wouldn’t have what I love the most right now. If all of the pieces of the puzzle wouldn’t have pieced together the way they did, I wouldn’t have met my husband and I wouldn’t be the mother of my incredible daughter. If all of my what-if’s in life would have actually gone the other way, who’s to say I’d be where I am today? I love my husband, and words can’t describe how I feel about MacKenzy and I wouldn’t trade either of them for second.

What I do wish… that I would have worked up the nerve to explore the possibilities with Matt- not to change the way things are today, but to have that question answered. For all I know I’ve held this flame for him all these years and we are utter opposites that couldn’t stand to be near each other after a month or two? What if he discovered I’m everything he wouldn’t want in a person….there are so many possibilities!

Well, I don’t get a “do over” and I don’t want one. I just wish I could have a premonition or something, to answer the questions. So now here I sit…thinking, which is a dangerous thing!!!

Money Changes People

I want to post a few emails that have been going between my aunt and I over the last two days. It’s basically the family’s dirty laundry, so why would I want to share it? What I’ve learned (so far) in life is that everyone has dirty laundry, and sometimes it’s nice to know that you’re not the only one!

Before Christmas my uncle John died. John is the eldest of my mom’s side of the family. John never married nor had children. His nieces and nephews were the light of his life. When they started to go through his house the first thing that my mom noticed was that he had a Thank-You card on his coffee table from my youngest brother, Matt. The card was from 3-years ago! Next to the card was the Thank-You from MacKenzy’s birthday part last spring. In his checkbook he carried a picture of MacKenzy.

John lived on disability so it’s not like relatives were coming out of the woodwork to stake their claim. My mom knew he had some investments, but figured it would be used to pay off his debts or bills. No one was sure if John had a will, but a friend of his made mention that he had left everything to my brother Mitchell, as John was his Godfather. From the get-go Mitch made it known that he wouldn’t feel comfortable if that was the case. He would certainly split it up with the other nieces and nephews, even if it was just twenty bucks.

After the funeral I learned that there was not a will and that everything would have to go into probate. In my experience probate can take months to years, so I basically forgot about it.

A few weeks ago one of my cousins emailed me:

‘Amy, What's new?... …Are you working the EMS job and the mortgage job at the same time? I ask because you mother thought it was crazy, why would she say that about u? I spoke to her a couple weeks back after her inheritance was finalized from John. I'm curious, would u split it with her siblings/nieces/nephews? She is and will pay a price for it, I hope it's small, she means a lot to me! Anyway, I guess this makes me sorta of a gossip king but, I'm curious what u think about everything? Do u know how unhappy her siblings are with her choice not to split it up with them? Take Care’

I had no idea what he was talking about and immediately responded with “WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT…I know nothing about any inheritance.”

A few days later we spoke and I learned of the drama surrounding the death of my uncle. I talked to my older brother the next evening and he was just as mystified as I was by it all.

Two days later I decided to write a quick e-mail to my aunt to make sure everyone knew, WE DIDN’T KNOW WHAT WAS GOING ON.

So here goes…the chain of e-mails to illustrate how messed up my background is!!!

*********************

Brenda,

Okay so Dan and I are SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO out of the loop that it's not even funny. I seriously just learned about the crap my mom pulled with John's inheritance on Tuesday. Gee, can you say I'm a little slow in finding out?? To make matters worse, I didn't hear it from my mom but from ******** (though he shall remain nameless as my source!). He emailed me asking what I thought of all the John BS and I replied that I had no idea what he was talking about...we talked on the phone Monday night and WOW!

I am SO ashamed. No child should ever have to say that, but it's true. I don't know who she is anymore. The person that did this is not the person that raised me, and certainly not the type of person I associate with.

Tuesday night I spoke with Dan and he was just as mystified as I was. The first question he had, "Are you going to call her out on it?" DAMN STRAIGHT!

The reason I'm writing to you is to let you know that Dan and I just learned of this...and are bothered by it just as much as the rest of the family seems to be. I don't want anyone to think that Dan or I had anything to do with any of this...we are both ashamed to even be in a position for that to be assumed.

I do plan on confronting my mother. If I were to talk her today, it would be the last time for a very long time. I need to cool off a little...but not too much....and then she'll be getting the worse of me. I do not plan to tell her how I found this all out...b/c THAT isn't important.

Love you all!

Amy

*********************

Dear Amy,

I'm sorry this has happened as well. I'm also sorry that you had to hear this second hand and not from your mother. I guess we assumed you knew. But I truly thought about mailing you and asking you where you fit it now.

The family is quite surprised, to say the least, of her actions. This has created an even greater divide in the family, so the saga continues. Sadly. I truly think John probably set up his policy quite a few years ago. He probably put your mom as a beneficiary trusting her to be righteous and fair. That must have been back when they were on speaking terms. Knowing John has spoke highly of ALL of his nieces & nephews, the rest of the family agreed the right thing to do would be to divide it among them to help pay for their education. However being your mom's name is on the policy it stands as a legal document that it is hers to keep. That is what she has decided to do, and there really is no turning back.

So in the end she has written off her family for about $35,000.
Gee, now she can pay off a car or remodel the house??

Good luck on this Amy.

Whoever said kids can do the darnedest things?... so can parents!

Love Always,
Brenda

*********************
Hi Brenda!

I'm very glad to have heard from you. And I do hope you pass the word on to the rest of the clan that Dan and I are 100% on your side of the fence. In every way we are repulsed by her actions.

Over the last couple years Dan and I have really been talking about confronting her on a lot of issues. There has always been that "not quite right" feeling in our relationships with her...but since her illness they have taken a nose dive. We don't know who she is anymore, and do all that we can to avoid her.

Both Mom and Kent have been very controlling over the years. Kent not so much up front, but he'll rag you once he gets a chance. For instance, both of them have a problem with me being on the volunteer ambulance. My mom got on my case when I joined "You're busy enough! You'll get sick if you push yourself too hard...." Oh Shut UP! I'm an adult and can make an adult decision without commentary! There's been times where I'm talking about working a traffic accident out in the sub-zero weather and Kent will say, "Well maybe you just can't hack it." Nothing good to say! I'm volunteering my time for my community (hmm, doesn't Kent do that?) and in turn I get to use my EMS skills!

Dan and I feel as though mom feels she's owed something. Her life has been so off the charts in difficulty that the world should now treat her like a porcelain doll. She doesn't feel the need to go out of her way, because "she's sick." She doesn't have to call and say, "I'm not coming." She'll wait until you call and put on the groggy voice and say that she isn't feeling well. I GET IT, YOU HAD CANCER BUT THE KEYWORD IS 'HAD'...get over yourself! You're alive, so give life a shot!

A year ago when were moving into our house Mom was to take MacKenzy. Plans were to pick her up at the house at 8am, and then bring her home later the next day. At 9am Jason called me wondering where she was...he had a little bored little girl in an empty house. I called and she answered with her sick voice. She said she wasn't feeling well but would leave right away. At 10:15am I called Jason from the apartment to tell him that the movers were done and on their way. Panic screamed through Jason's voice when he said that my mom still wasn't there and now the movers were on their way! I immediately got on the phone but no one answered. I got to the house just after 11am to find Jason in a tizzy, and MacKenzy running around in a freezing cold house (b/c the doors were all open). I picked up my phone and called her...no answer, hang up and dial again, no answer, hang up dial again......again and again until she answered the phone. I went ballistic on her and all she could say, "Well, I told you I was sick."

Instead of hanging up on her I should have said "What about a phone call at 7am saying that you can't do it? Or maybe at 9am when I called!" She called a few days later like nothing was wrong. When I wasn't perky and she could tell I wasn't all that pleased to be on the phone with her she said, "You're not still mad about me not watching MacKenzy?" She tried minimizing the gravity of the situation! I went on a tangent, "You'd freak out if I didn't call to say I was running late for lunch... You did NOTHING! If this would have been a priority on your list, you would have called."

"Well, Amy...I was sick."
"Being sick doesn't exempt you from common courtesy!!!" She ended up hanging up on me because apparently she didn't have anything more to say....and then as usual, a week later she acts like everything is A-Ok!

Sorry for the novel, but I wanted to share that with you b/c it proves that her behavior hasn't been on track for awhile. The "I'm sick" excuse has been worn out for a very long time, but she continues to use it. She's even gone as far as to say that Dan and I weren't there for her when she was sick...which couldn't be further from the truth. Just because we weren't there holding her hand everyday doesn't mean were any less of a supporter.

Dan helped with the boys, while I banked vacation time. I had wanted to take days off to sit down at Mayo with her but she 'asked' for me to wait and use it when she got out of the hospital. I had two weeks off to help her, and unfortunately her discharged got extended at the last minute. I had already taken off the time, so I did what I could. I still was at the house...I cooked meals, cleaned, did laundry, and whatever else I could do to make her transition easier.

So now here we are, years later and she's acting as if we were MIA during the entire thing. Ugh!

Dan has said that he'd back me 150%, so my thoughts are to confront her on this issue and see how she handles it. I'm 99% sure it won't go well, but that will only set the stage for the next step. INTERVENTION. Basically like a drug/alcoholic intervention, but this will be a mental intervention. She needs to get help, and stick to it. She needs to treat people as they deserve to be treated...or sorry, we just I need to step back until you figure it out.

I'll let you know what all happens...
Amy

*********************

Hi Amy,

I will pass the word on to others.

I want them to here me on this family issue as well, so I have cc'd them in.

I and probably many others, share your frustrations on the word "Mother".

I was born to a mother who was not yet diagnosed with bipolar disorder/depression. There has been very many roller coaster rides our immediate family has been on, no thanks to this disorder.

Thank goodness in the 1980's a mood leveling medication was introduced to control the effects of depression, anxiety, panic disorder, bipolar etc. and it's other derivatives.
These conditions are very genetic. I keep this is mind, because I have concluded it is in our genetics on both Tom's and my side of the family. I have watched myself, and my children closely, due to this and have had talks with them on their families medical history. I am no psychologist , but am very much about awareness and openness, because I do not want my family to struggle when there is help, if they need it.

Even though my mother has doctored all of her life there a still quirky things she does that are thoughtless, selfish, and rude. I chose to write my mother off for at least 2 years, through their divorce after 39 years. She at the time was trying an herbal drug and off of the meds prescribed. Not advisable by any psychologist!

We have rekindled our relationship over the past 5 years. Dad has remarried and we are thrilled to see him finally extremely happy to be married to his best friend.
Last Fall I convinced my mom to try a REAL psychologist and quit going back to the family doctor in St. Peter who does NOT specialize in BP and treats her like a lab rat, trying this and that with her meds. No stability in that.
I researched a shrink online and found one for her. She has gone to her quite a few times over the past months. Her meds are stable.
She called just this week excited to have finally gone to a Bi-Polar Group meeting in Mankato, put on by the clinic. She has been going to alanon for years, who constantly talk of drugs and how no one should take them. This has made her feel like she should quit taking her BP meds! So she had, a few times. UGH!
So she is FINALLY understanding that this lack of serotonin disorder is similar to a diabetic not taking insulin. Whew! When you struggle with depression you can cyclically struggle with feeling tired, crabby, and sickly.

I see similarities in your relationship with your mom. Maybe she has acquired through her cancer treatments, or even genetically, with age, depression, which can come on, but like I said I am no doctor. When one struggles with depression they can cyclically struggle with feeling tired, crabby, and sickly. It's easy to bring on the POOR me line.

I don't recommend writing your mom off at this point. I've done it. It's a long haul of awkward, uneasy, frustrating emotions. YES, even worse than how you are feeling about her now. Every holiday, family event, birthday, etc. it's a dragging question, "Should we invite mom?" Of course you should, because she's your mom and then the guilt ways heavy.
Even with as much frustration she has caused you, I have found that if you can call her on the rug on it immediately, and carry on, it's better for you emotionally. In a month or 4, she'll do something again that bugs you, deal with it with her, and keep on. Family members are loved unconditionally, for the most part.

So I recommend you don't do write her off. Consider the idea that maybe she does have some depressive issues, help her realize it, if she doesn't already. Ask her to share what she is doctoring for. Flat out ask her if she is taking an anti-depressant.
If you truly think she needs more help, you may want to suggest it. If she values her kids’ relationships, she may consider it.

Clear the air with her on this issue of John's and carry on the best you & Dan both can.

Keeping my distance seems to work for me. So I also understand the avoidance you feel necessary. It seems the less information my mom knows about myself or the family, the less stories she can assume about us. She still does this.

Go about your good deeds girl. Do what you love!

Take Care,
Brenda

*********************

Brenda,

I know for a fact that she's been on anti-depressants over the years, and I'm pretty sure she's taking them. I think she needs a drug consult! Over the years you have to switch it up...higher dosage or new drug.

I started taking anti-depressants in 2000 after having a melt down at work contemplating my boss coming to work. For weeks I had to sleep sitting up because my chest was so tight, I couldn't talk straight (mumbled), my thoughts were two conversations ahead of me, eating made me feel sick, and breathing was a chore. I had hit a bottom and didn't realize it. Then one day I had the breakdown in the office and it was like a light turned on in my head, "This isn't right." I went to my Dr the same day. After I told her what was all going on she grabbed an Anxiety pamphlet and read it...word for word it was me. It took awhile, but I started feeling a lot better within a month or so. Over the years I had to change up my medications when I didn't feel like myself.

This summer I came to the realization that something wasn't right. I was doubling up on my medication and it wasn't helping. I found that I would dread being home alone with MacKenzy, like it was too labor intensive. All I wanted to do was sleep, and my mood swings were monstrous!

I went back to my doctor and she suggested that I go to a Psychiatrist for a medication evaluation. I met with him once and he suggested that I see a therapist on top of working with him. Can I say this? I love my therapist! She is incredible! I always knew I should go talk to someone, but felt that if I admitted that it was a sign of weakness or looking for the "poor Amy." I had always imagined that it would be a cry-fest and I'd be twice as miserable. After my first session with my therapist it was like a new person was born.

My therapist works closely with the Psychiatrist and so far so good.

In therapy I have come to terms with who my mom is and I've decided that she raised me to be a good person, but I have to work every day to be a better person. We've barely cut the surface when it comes to my Mom but I have defined her in one word: Irrational. She has irrational expectations of people and she justifies her own behavior irrationally. Once I came to that realization it was like WAH-LAH! To work at being stronger I distanced myself from her. When she calls and says, "What have you been up to?" my answer is CENSORED! I've also learned that standing up to her doesn't necessarily mean I have to include screaming. Subtle and firm. The first time that I did it I was damn near jumping up and down.

I'm not perfect either...I've taken myself off my medications before too. Not wise! I'd be fine for about a week (if I was lucky) and then EVERYTHING would start pissing me off. My blood would boil for the most ridiculous reasons. Some time or another the light turned back on and said "TAKE YOUR MEDS YOU IDIOT!" After a day or two I'd be back to myself again. I too have justified my medication as a need, not a luxury. If I don’t want to be that dark and miserable person, I have to take my medications. There's nothing wrong with ME as a person, I just need help. And that's ok. I have also got to remember and give myself praise for realizing I needed help, and was strong enough to ask for it. Many people aren't so lucky.

With that said...yes, the Weber's have a strong ripple effect when it comes to depression. I think and hope the fact that Depression (etc.) is no longer something to be ashamed of and is out in the open, the younger generations will do better.

Amy

*********************


…and that’s all I got to say about that.

Regrets

Today Dooce posed a great question, on the 6th Anniversary of her blog. “Is there anything in my life that I wish I could go back and do differently?”

Hundreds of people posted their comments, and reading each one was actually more gratifying than depressing. The comments were validations of feelings I had once felt (or still do)…and reading it in the words of someone else only proved that I’m not alone!

Below is my response. This was the first thing that came to mind when I read Heather’s question. After reading other’s comments I could have added SO MUCH more to my own (but then it would have been a novel!):

If I could change anything....it would be that I would have come to my senses A LOT sooner about my relationship with my mother. I am 29 years old and just in the last year have come to the realization that my mother is a irrational person, and regardless of what I do she will always have something negative to say.

I needed to have learned that by doing the compete opposite of her expectations doesn't really mean that I'm in control....it just means that NO ONE was in control.

I wish my older brother and I would have sat down long ago and discussed this, rather just opening up about this in in the last 10 months. I would have found out that all these years he felt sorry for me, and wanted so badly to make my mother stop treating me the way she did....but in avoiding the conflict he was keeping his nose clean and not being judged. I would have been far less resentful of him and his freedom!

All in all...had I stood up for myself YEARS ago, I would not be shelling out the $$$ for therapy today.

But thanks to a great therapist, I now feel in control of a messed situation.


So the more I think of that question, the more things that come up. Many of these things I’m still learning to deal with, and some I have learned to accept…but nonetheless they are regrets.

I wish my father was just that, a father.

I wish I would have never lost touch with my little sister and her mom. 17 years later…we’re only starting a relationship.

I wish my stepfather wasn’t such a hard ass, and more of a father figure.

I wish he’d stand up to my mom and get her the help she needs.

I wish my mom would stop all the yelling.

I wish I could save my little brother’s from her.

I wish I would have put some effort into high school- had I, college wouldn’t have been so difficult.

I wish I would have picked a college based on where I wanted to go…not where I was expected to go.

I wish I didn’t care what people thought of me.

I wish I had been more responsible with money, and the feelings of others.

I wish I could control my mouth, think first and then say something nice or nothing at all.

I wish I would have tried living up to my full potential years ago, rather than TRYING TO FIGURE IT ALL OUT NOW.

I wish I would have not refused to pursue a nursing degree to go against my mother’s wishes.

I wish I would have told Andrew I had it bad for him…though I’m sure he knew

I wish I would have met my husband a few years later…I don’t regret meeting him, and if it wasn’t for all the pieces of the puzzle that brought us together, I wouldn’t have my amazing daughter today. I just would have like to have had a little more fun before entering a serious relationship.

I wish I would have not had such high expectations of people…and such low expectations of myself.

I wish I would have realized that Jenny was crying out for help, rather than thinking it would just pass.

I wish that every November 16th I didn’t think “what if.”

I wish Jenny would have failed.

I wish my family would have been more understanding of my incredible depression.

I wish I wouldn’t have let it escalate over the years.

I wish Jason would have kept his mouth shut of July 4th.

I wish his family wasn’t at war with each other over someone’s stupid lie.

I wish Kristi would realize how badly she is hurting her family.

I wish she’d admit that she lied.

I regret having regrets! I could go on forever…..So here's to today!!

Bed or Floor...Hmmm?

In today’s post by dooce, I have decided that I am completely jealous of her. Not in an adult way either….here I am stomping my feet and throwing things in rage like a 4 year old that wants a cookie.

Her daughter Leta is just over 3 months older than MacKenzy and just transitioned to a toddler bed. Leta never tried climbing out of her crib and didn’t have problems sleeping in it. The toddler bed was her parent’s idea. To top it off, her best is the coolest thing in the world- she sleeps in it!

In my case…my ‘strong willed’ daughter started climbing out of her crib over a year ago. Climbing out of the crib was fun and far from difficult for her. She’s a little daredevil and is physically knocks around like a rambunctious little boy. For the last year we have been battling her sleeping habits….or more truthfully, location.

In the first few weeks…maybe months, she was great about sleeping in her bed as long as Mommy lay with her until she fell asleep. I tried to fight this…I refuse to have a child that can only sleep if I’m there to hold their hand. No Way! But NOT doing it also meant her not staying in her room nor going to bed at a proper time (which is still being established!). She would have me cuddle in with her, but that only lasted for a short period of time because the bed isn’t meant for a mommy!! The metal frame that holds the bed started to resemble the letter “U.”

To make a long story short….she now refuses to sleep in her bed what-so-ever! If she sleeps in her room at all, it’s on the floor. She’ll make herself a little bed and crash on the floor. Even better, half under the bed! She’s gotten better about actually going to bed, but there she is…on the floor. Most often she finds her way into our room around 2AM…not wanting to get out of the warm bed (or actually, completely wake up) one of us will throw her between us. If we actually do what we’re supposed to and put her back into her room, she eventually finds her way back, again. Recently we have started to find her in the morning- inches from my husband’s size 13’s. Yes, she will cuddle up on our floor, usually half under the bed, and we don’t realize it until someone almost steps on her head!

So not only does Heather Armstrong get to stay home with her daughter AND husband, she gets paid to blog! Now this! What’s next? If you say ‘win the lottery’ I’m going off the deep end!?!

Hopes and wishes…in the next couple weeks MacKenzy’s getting a hand-me-down “big girl” bed from her most favorite person in the world, my youngest brother Matt- her ‘Uncle Matty.’ My parents are buying a new bed so Mitch (the older of the two boys) gets their old bed (harsh- Queen-sized Sleep Number Bed!), Matt gets Mitch’s Queen, and Kenzy gets Matt’s twin. This is actually a blessing…since Matt is her favorite, we have something to use! I told my mom that I want to make a big deal out of this…making sure Matt is there to “give” it to her.

Please God, please please please…..let her adore this bed!

Spanish 101

Last night I had my monthly ambulance meeting and the Spanish issue came up. Our incident the other night has happened repeatedly but no one has taken it upon themselves find a resolve.

I suggested that I make up some laminated cue cards with the basics:

Are you okay? Where do you hurt? Are you allergic to any medications? Do you have any health issues we should be aware of?

Granted we won't understand their responses, however I can then list medications that people are typically allergic to...in Spanish and English.

SOMETHING is better than nothing! Now that's my new project. Luckily a friend of mine from high school is fluent in Spanish so I can ask her for a little help.

Thank You Ms. Finch

I took a quarter and a half of Spanish in college, but I solely base my Spanish skills on what I learned from Ms. Finch in 9th grade. Ms. Finch was a rather odd older woman that wore the same outfit two-days in a row no matter what. The immaturity of the students often threw her into a rampage of words we couldn’t interpret.

Over the years I’ve done my time in the service industry working along side several Hispanic men and women. Though they all spoke moderate to perfect English, they made sure I learned Spanish. “Mucho Gusto tu Chi-Chi’s”

I’ve never considered my Spanish skills worthy of a conversation nor would it get me anywhere in Mexico. “Donde el bano?” is really all you need isn’t it? Or “Mas Cervesas!”

This past weekend I was on-call for the ambulance both Friday & Saturday night. I was dreading getting a single call because it was extremely cold outside….-20-ish. On Friday night my pager went off just before 7pm, “MVA with injuries, possibly multiple injuries.” The first words out of my mouth, “Ahw Shit!” I knew it….Siberian weather and I have to play outside!

Luckily adrenaline keeps you pretty warm! I had on plenty layers, but it’s not like I can put layers on my hands. I think someone would frown on me having gloves over my rubber gloves!

When we get on scene the first thing the city cop said, “Anyone speak Spanish?” The look of terror swept cross my two partners’ faces. There were two state troopers, two city cops, and the three of us………I was the only person that had an ounce of hope to communicate with the injured.

When I approached the first two men I explained, “Me hablo muy pequino Espanol.” Which actually translates to, “I speak very small Spanish.” Hours later it occurred to me that I should have said, “Me hablo muy pequito Espanol.”

They were all showing signs of being hurt, but it was our job to see which ones needed to be transported, and who should be attended to first. Hmmm… In Dr’s offices and in hospitals they have charts showing a happy face at ONE and a very Sad face at TEN. I didn’t have that picture so I had to figure out a way to say it. Keeping mind that I’m fluent in American Sign Language, I used both skills to get through it, “Como Esta? Uno es muy bueno, cinco es muy mal! (for some reason cinco came out of my mouth rather than diez, but I ran with it)

One guy answered “Muy Mal…Cinco Cinco!” while the other answered “Asi Asi….dos.” I looked back at my partners and said, “this guy is fine, this guy needs a backboard.” The looks on their faces were like “Oh My God Thank You for telling me what to do!”
The third man was the driver and I basically understood that he was okay, but his chest hurt from the airbag. We transported all three (the guy that was fine didn’t exactly have a ride to the hospital) the 4 blocks to the hospital.

Normally once we get to the hospital we’re maybe there 20 minutes…this was not the case Friday night. We had called ahead to tell them that they needed a translator so by the time we got there they had bad news….they couldn’t get a hold of their translator. Grrrreat.

My extremely limited Spanish skills were now needed for the nurses and doctor on staff…can you tell it’s a small town hospital? An hour and a half later a friend of theirs showed up that spoke fluent English, and Spanish…About Time!

An hour and a half after we got to the hospital we were able to leave. The driver and front passenger were in X-ray, and the other guy was waiting for their friend.

On the way back to the station my two partners were laughing and thanking me a million times over. They couldn’t get over that they would have been completely clueless as to what to do!!

My Petition

I adamantly believe that medical personnel should get a discounted rate on airfare.

On an airplane, hell on a bus!, if you knew there was doctor, a paramedic, or an EMT on your flight? It's just that assurance that if something happen! I know I would! Hell, people in the EMS field laugh, "Who is going to take care of me?" If I had a medical emergency at work who would run to my rescue?

Every year there are thousands of heart-attacks in flight...and God only knows how many other things!

As I've mentioned before, my husband and I work with kids teaching them Fire and Medical skills. They all are immediately CPR/AED certified, and First Responders (which is the same training a police officer has for medical) For some kids it's just a fun thing to be apart of, and some really grow to love the field and want to go to school!
The Captain of the post is a 17 year old senior in high school. Over Christmas he and his mother were flying home when the flight attendant came over the overhead asking for anyone with medical training to come to the back of the plane. This 17 year old kid didn't hesitate, he got up and walked to the back of the plane. The patient was an older woman having a difficult time breathing. He did exactly as he was trained and eventually the woman was able to control her breathing. Afterwards he simply went back to his seat, but not before he was praised by the flight staff and other passengers. This kid is extremely bashful, so I can just about imagine how red his face and ears were!

He did what was trained to do...and for that people were grateful. He doesn't want a medal or even so much as a thank you...he does it because he can. I do it because I can.

Isn't that safety net worth something? If you accept the discount, you accept the fact that you may have to help someone in flight. I'm fine with that! I'm covered under the Good Samaritan Law.

Just My Luck

First off HAPPY GROUNDHOG Day............normally I couldn't give a damn about the celebration of a rodant, but since he didn't see his shadow I'm willing to jump on the bandwagon...if you don't know, it means we'll have an early spring. If it happens I'll be extrememly pleased...if it doesn't some rodant in PA will be smoked out of his little hole.

Today proved to be a test of my luck...which for all the Irish in the world, I'm the most unlucky. I win those lame prizes that no one wanted anyway, never something I would be proud to show off!

As I was sitting at my desk working the director of Marketing walked into my office. Not an abnormal thing, but the look on her face immediately read "Panic!" I asked her what was wrong and she asked that I come take a look at Kay, the Sales Director. "She's on the floor in a lot of pain. She says it's in her chest!" Not that I wish any ill fate on anyone (well, maybe the person that needs to push through my RAISE!) but I get excited about this stuff! I rushed into the office where Kay was laying on the floor and knowing I am medically trained, a sigh of relief came over Kay's face. I checked her over the best I could, but with chest pain the only advice I can give is: "Get to the hospital." I told her that I felt she needed to go in, especially since nothing this has ever happened before. Kay just wanted to stay on the floor awhile longer, so I suggested that I get my medical bag and take a look at her blood pressure.

HERE'S MY LUCK TURNS SOUTH

I ran outside in the -10 weather, got my bag and was practically skipping back to Kay. Yes, I know....trust me it's an EMS thing. I slapped on the blood pressure cuff and got ready to go...
the gage for the cuff was FROZEN! I couldn't help her one bit! How depressing!

Kay finally agreed to go to the hosipital and she's been there since. Her assistant took her and has since returned. They are running test, but as of yet there's nothing to tell.

Venting

My email to Erica:

Okay a moment of venting is needed:

I could hear Christine in the back of the office by the copier. She yelled, "Are you printing a package?"

I replied that I was but she must not have heard me because she walked up to the front of the office and asked again. “Are you printing a package?”

“Yes”

“Which one?”

WHAT'S MISSING FROM THIS DISCUSSION?

COMMON FUCKING SENSE!

You're standing at the copier (which is also the printer!) why wouldn't you just look?? I don't get it?
"Gee is there a package printing.....[lifting up print-out]....Oh! It's the Schindler package!"


Now wasn't that easy?

Am I a bitch or what!?! This crap drives me nuts!


Erica’s Response:

Seriously, she must have been dropped on her head or something. I don’t know anyone else who would be so……well, you know what I’m saying!!! DUH

Noise Noise Noise

Okay, my family isn't all that traditional...I have three brothers. Dan and I are 18 months apart, but when I was four our parents divorced (Thank God!). When I was in 6th grade my mom got remarried. A few days after school let out that year, my biological father and his girlfriend had a baby girl, Marki. A year later my mom and step dad had Mitchell, and then three years later along came Mathew. So...there are 12 years between Marki and I....13 years between Mitch and I, and 16 years between Matt and I. Dan was actually out of the house before Matt was born.

So with that said, as the boys were growing up Dan and I had fun buying gifts for them. Buying toys for boys is WAY more fun than buying for girls! When Matt was 3 I started to date Jason, my husband. From day one Jason was Matt's brother..he said so the first time he met Jason. When it came to birthdays and Christmas Jason and I went out of our way to be destructive or loud toys. My parents countinually told us that payback would be a bitch.

When MacKenzy came along my brothers enlisted in helping my parents shop for such gifts. Up until this past weekend they haven't been successful in driving us nuts...but they have now won.

Over Christmas they were in Mexico and they found the perfect gift, and to top it off MacKenzy thinks its the coolest thing in the world. If you think back to the Karate Kid, Mr. Miagi shows Daniel-son a little hand-held drum that he'd sping between his palms. When the drum would go back and forth little strings with beads on the end would hit the drum. Oh it's that, but even worse! It's a tamporine too! Talk about loud and annoying!

This morning when Jason got home from work she instantly had to show him her new toy, she was so proud. I explained to him where it was from and the look he gave me was basically, 'Ahh Shit!"

A ing Miracle

From the words of my older brother, "A F-ing Miracle" happened in the month of January.

Not only did my mother take MacKenzy over night ONCE, but TWICE in a matter of two weeks! Unlike most grandmas my mother is too busy or better yet, too self-involved to spend time with her one and only grandchild. Last year we moved within 20 minutes of my parents' house, and we see them less than we did when we lived an hour away.

To make matters worse, each time we visit my mom and step dad, my mom pours on the guilt...lumpy gravy kind of thick! Usually for the first half-hour MacKenzy won't have a thing to do with my mom. She'll play with my two younger brothers or hide her face in the nape of my neck. Once she finally wins her over with something sweet the knife starts making the jabs into my sides, "Your Mommy never brings you to see me!!"

Right after the New Year I hesitantly approached my mom about MacKenzy visiting them for a night so Jason and I could attend my recognition dinner for the ambulance department. She of course had to check her schedule but for once the schedule was in my favor: My youngest brother had a hockey game in the town that we live in...no excuse could fly!! Though she said yes, I was apprehensive until I saw her car pull in my driveway. (She has a history of canceling at the last minute). The next morning Jason and I went to pick her up and the report was great. They had a wonderful time together and MacKenzy was on her best behavior.

While my luck was flowing I approched my mom about possibly taking MacKenzy this past weekend. We had a scheduling conflict where Jason would be on shift while I had to be in class all day. Getting a sitter to watch her all day wasn't fair to MacKenzy nor the sitter! If it was summer, that'd be a different story! I really was desperate though, Jason and I had to be some place with no way around it.

My mom actually agreed to help us out though it would require her to drag MacKenzy along to hockey games. On their way home from a hockey game on Saturday they picked her up, and on their way home from a game Sunday, they dropped her off. When they picked her up I was able to breathe that sigh of relief....can you tell that I don't trust her to show!!??

So the miracle as it be may never be repeated... but it was a nice one at that!

Anxiety Attacks In My Sleep

I seriously still have panic attacks in the middle of the night about school! I have two specific dreams that send my heart racing.

A list of random thoughts that play out into a story-

[The first is that I’ve shown up for the first day of school, in high school, and I’m un-prepared.] The bell will be going off any second. I have one pen and one notebook. I know I’ll lose the pen by third period. [I start to panic] Wonder if someone would lend me another pen? [As I’m walking in to the doors of the high school] I forgot my schedule at home! [I can see the tables lined up inside to get copies of your schedule and locker combinations.] I don’t even know where my locker is…what grade am I in anyway? The bell! I’m not even to the table. Late already, and it’s only the first day! No time to find my locker. Don’t have anything to put in it anyway. [As I walk into what seems to be a chemistry lab I can see that the teacher is irritated with my tardiness, and now all of the class is looking at me.] Is there anyone in here that I know?

Breakdown: This never happened to me, but I always feared it with the start of each quarter or new school year. Everyone was always late for classes on the first day of school, so it wasn’t anything to stress about! To top it off, I went to a very small high school where you knew everyone…so to walk into a room of people wondering if I know anyone, that wouldn’t have ever happened!

Second Dream’s Random Thoughts: (my heart is seriously pounding just thinking of this story…and still, there’s no reason for it!)

[I’m in college and as I walk across the bridge to my class anxiety fills my body as I think about going to this specific class.] This is the second time I’ve taken this class. I never go, no wonder I’m going to fail it again. What if there’s a test today and I have no idea what’s even going on in the class? What if the class moved? I could walk into an empty room, or even worse a room with a completely different class in it! How would I find out where my classed moved? I could call the professor, but what if the class moved weeks ago? He’ll know that I haven’t been there! I don’t know anyone in my class so I would have to call. Maybe I should just drop the class and try again next quarter. God, I need the credits though. This is all my own fault!

Breakdown: This too never happened to me, but I did in fact stress about it in college. I feared skipping a class because then I’d probably miss something important, like the class moving! I did have a friend that actually experienced her class moving after not having been there in awhile, so I’m sure that’s how the thought entered my mind.

Now I’ve been out of high school for 12-years this coming June, and out of college 8-years this August. Why in the hell am I still stressing about this stuff!?! I wouldn’t think anything of it if the dreams happened once in a very blue moon, but no, I’ve had them so often that I actually get anxious going to bed thinking that I might dream about it…therefore allowing me to dream about it!

Part of getting past my anxiety issues is facing those issues and getting past them. Am I supposed to get past the dreams, or past the things I’m dreaming about? What in the world do I do to get over things that NEVER happened? Or better yet, never happened 12-years ago!

Thirty-Two Months Going On 19-Years

This last month has been so incredible. Christmas was simply unbelievable. If I could have just sat in the corner all day watching you, I would have. Each present was the most amazing thing in the world, unless it was clothes, and you wanted to play with it immediately. You were far from selfish, always willing to help other people open their gifts too!

On Christmas Eve day you went to church with Nana and Bob. It took everything in my body to hold myself back and allow this, as it was (and still is) against every cell in my body. I had imagined I was free of having to fight this battle when your Nana moved to Orlando, little did I forget to remember that they come to MN to visit! In the spirit of the holiday I didn’t fight with Nana and swallowed the bowling ball-sized lump in my throat.

That night we went to the church where daddy and mommy were married. Though I still have questions of religious inadequacies church is apart of Christmas and apart of a tradition that I plan to keep. When we walked into the church I watched closely to witness your head spin off like a top; church twice in one day!

Santa came on Christmas morning and you were overwhelmed. Dora puked all over the living room! Your favorite thing Santa brought you was your Dora bicycle. I wish Santa would have waited until your birthday so you can actually ride it outside, but Daddy as made you a nice obstacle course in the basement that you seem to enjoy.

On New Year’s Daddy had to work and Mommy had plans. Part of me felt guilty that I was leaving you with a sitter, but in the end you had more fun than I could have imagined. I left with you Maiah and Cady, and their sitter, and you guys played non-stop all night. We got home well after midnight and both Cady and you were still up celebrating. We had told the sitters that you could stay up as long as you were well behaved.

The next morning the first words out of your mouth, “Cady’s House?” Every day since you’ve asked to go back to Cady’s house…so enough with the guilt!

In the last few weeks you have developed into the “Why” child. When I was little we used to call my cousin Ryan, “Whyan”…and you remind me of him everyday. “Where’d Daddy go?”

“Daddy’s at work.”

“Why?”

“Because he has to make money.”

“Why?”

“Because he needs to buy you Dora toys.”

“Dora! Wanna Watch Dora?” So easily distracted!


Yesterday you unintentionally broke your Daddy’s heart. After he had picked you up from daycare you pointed to the hill where the Fire Department is and said, “Daddy’s house!” He corrected you by saying that it was his work and that he lived with Mommy and Kenzy at Kenzy’s house. “No. Mommy and Kenzy live Kenzy’s house. Daddy live at work!” You Daddy immediately called to inform me that he works too much.

He doesn’t work too much. He works more than some Daddy’s, but it’s not like he’s away from you for long periods of time. As a fire fighter he’s forced to be away overnight a couple times a week. You’ve known nothing else so I never thought you’d really understand the difference. When he’s not at the fire department he is usually working for the landscaping department. In that position he picks you up from daycare at 3:30 and play together until I get home at 6pm.

Last week Daddy didn’t even go into his part-time job, instead he stayed home with you. The two of you played all day and took a 3 hour nap each day…

Last week sometime we got a notice from daycare that you bit another child. We thought we were past all of this but apparently your way to show aggression is to bite the child IN THE FACE, no less! I never imagined that you wouldn’t be an aggressive child…I’m apart of your make-up therefore it’s an impossible thing to avoid, but to bite the child in the face…that’s pretty harsh, kid! Daycare said that you were sitting on a stack of pillows looking at books when another child approached you to join in on your fun. There was a minor scuffle and then you ended it by putting the other child to tears.

As a parent I’m supposed to teach you to stand up for yourself, but at the same time I have to show you how to treat people around you. I’m failing on one of the two.