Accomplishments

At my therapy appointment last week the therapist gave me homework. I need to write down what I want to accomplish by going to counseling. The homework is much harder than I had anticipated!

My mind races with things that I want to deal with, change, confront, and feel differently about. Mostly, I want to feel in control of my feelings and my well-being. I want to feel normal. I'm far from ever being normal, and that's not what I'm asking for...I just want to feel it! I'd prefer to feel it without medication, but if that's not possible I at least want to not feel so dependent on them.

My mind races all the time...all the time! I'm very good at muti-tasking because it's normal for me to be thinking about three things at once. It is practically impossible for me to turn my mind off. My therapist told me that its classic anxiety disorder. Everyone deals with anxiety, but there are those of us that take it to extremes!

Seriously! I worry about how we're going to handle kindergarten schedules and my daughter is only 2. I worry about the WHAT-IF's and what good is that?

As long as I can remember I've dreamt about work. When I was serving tables I'd wake up in a panic because I just recalled that I never brought someone their extra side of ranch dressing! HOURS BEFORE! When I worked in a convenience store in high school, I'd have dreams about mistakening $100 bills for $1 bills. My boss would figure it out and call the cops! Now I don't have the nightmares, but I do wake up remembering I didn't call someone back or mail something out...it never ends!

One of my biggest concerns is finding a comfortable ground in dealing with my mother. We have a very strained relationship where I am continually on the defensive. She doesn't respect me as I know she should, however I've never truly dealt with it and I really don't know where to begin.
I don't feel comfortable confiding in her because on countless occasions its come back to haunt me. I might be down because Jason and I are fighting and I'll say something ....something that at the time I see as completely harmless. Later she'll use it against me, making it out to be something more than it ever was. Making him out to be a bad person, or saying that I'm a push over.

Small talk isn't even something I like to do with her, near her, or with someone that she knows. Some how... Some way...it all comes back to haunt me! I might mention that we went to dinner or out with friends and she'll instantly comment on how we're never home and always out. Which is SO not the way it is!

Lastly, I want the ability to play with my daughter without thinking of the fact that I could be doing laundry, cleaning the bedroom, or paying bills. I want to do ONE thing at a time!

Anxiety

Since 2001 I've been taking anti-anxiety medication. In hindsight, I should have been on it a long time before that. Growing up I never knew that my anxiety issues were any different from other people; I thought it was normal.

Looking back I can see how I dealt with the anxiety, and how if I had known that it wasn't normal things could quite possibly be different today. My fear of failure held me back quite a bit. I played that I was uninterested or I would start and give up in fustration. I wasn't exactly afraid of asking for help, but continuely asking was out of the question; I would appear as stupid and in turn, a failure. I didn't think this of other people, but had such high expectations for myself that it only pretained to me.

Criticism was my worst enemy. If someone criticized something I said or did, however innocent, it was a personal attack on me and I would basically be melting inside. I felt like I could throw up, cry, and punch someone all at the same time.

I rarely studied, though I was a good student. Possibly putting effort into something without an added return was basically yet another failure. Why try harder than I have to? If I can "get by" without giving more of myself I should be safe.

Then I went off to college. In all seriousness, I went to college because it was expected of me. I applied to two schools and was accepted to both; UofM-Duluth and UofM-Twin Cities. I played with the thought of going to Globe College for Graphic Design, but when I even mentioned it to my mom her reaction told me that it wasn't acceptable. God only knows if I read her correctly, I could have jumped to conclusions- but that's a big part of the anxiety! I jumped to conclusions based on the the "what if" factors! I seriously chose the Twin Cities campus over Duluth for one simple fact: hills. I drove a manual and was freaked out about having to drive it in Duluth! For those that have never been, the entire city is on the side of a hill. Regardless of where you go, you have to go straight up or down.

During my first few weeks of school I would lay in bed at night thinking of all the things that could go wrong back at home and at school. I had always been my mom's second set of eyes when it came to my younger brothers; what if something happened to one of them that could have been avoided had I been there! What if I went to my class and it had moved to a new classroom? What if I sat in a class for weeks only to find out that I was supposed to be in a completely different class! STUPID STUPID STUPID thoughts in hindsight, but they were all too real then. What I know now as anxiety attacks were an every night occurance as I lay there!

To add to the anxiety I started to deal with depression during my Sophomore year. On November 16, 1996 a good friend that lived across the hall from me committed suicide. I remember the day like it was yesterday, and now it's going on 10 years! It wasn't the first time I had ever dealt with suicide, a elementary school classmate and my grandfather had both taken their lives. In this experience we found her, we summoned help, and we had to deal with the fact that "had we only been a few minutes earlier!" Still today my heart sinks thinking of that day.

In the following months of my friend's death I contimplating leaving school and just leave life behind for awhile. Go West, South, or East...somewhere that wasn't there. The only thing that kept me in school was the fact that my other friends were going through exactly the same thing. At that point I stayed in school for all of the wrong reasons. From that point on I was there to earn a piece of paper, not the education. I went to class, did the work, and then escaped from campus.

The weekend my friend died was actually supposed to be the first time I would have met the man that is now my husband. It's weird to think that one is apart of the other. Two weeks following my friend's death I started my new job and was introduced to him. I remember that night being the worst night ever. It was the first time I had been away the comfort of my friends, and on top of that I was the new girl on the job. Still today I hate the first day of anything! Midway through the shift I had to take a break because I couldn't stop crying. A few years later I found out that everyone at work had been misinformed. They were told that MY roommate committed suicide (not that THAT would be any more or less painful!) so they were all surprised I was even there two weeks later. When I was the sobbing mess they all felt really bad for me.

My husband was actually my direct supervisor. He had been recently promoted, right before I started, because my older brother had demoted himself because he was moving. So for two weeks I worked with my older brother...which can actually be a bad thing.

Months after my brother left town, Jason and I started to casually date. We'd go out for breakfast after work (2am) and just sit and talk. Our first real date was in February of 1997, and he took me snowboarding. We spent the entire day on the bunny hill. Poor guy.

When word got to my brother that I was dating Jason, shit hit the fan. They weren't exactly friends. My older brother called my parents and told them that I was dating a complete ass and blah blah blah.

Since that day, having never even met Jason, they've had it out for him.


to be continued...

Work Crazies

Okay, so if I've learned anything from Dooce (my favorite blog of all time) its not to blog about work...or the people at work. But its so damn hard considering I could write a sitcom based on some of the people I work with.

My good friend Cathie works in the office next door, so she fortunately doesn't have to deal with the crazies...but hears all about it. She's the one that actually joked that I should write a sitcom. We joke back and forth, but seriously it could really work if I could actually write! I know the OFFICE is already on, but I think this could be from a "Bridget Jones" type perspective.

I work with some of the most unstable people in the world; each their own way. Two of the "ladies" are just very unpredictable. One second they can be happy and laughing, and the next they'll bite your head off because you were nice enough to bring them their fax. Then there's "Christine"...

My boss and the girl who works in the next office are my saviors. When the others get to me I just email or visit them. Today Christine was sick, and drove me nuts all day. She was acting like a 5 year old that needed their mommy. A few mintues ago I vented and emailed "Cathie" next door:

Christine has a cold…and is an annoying BABY! First she tried to use my phone to pick up a call…and I jumped all over her, “Use your own phone! You’re sick!” I think I scared her! All day she’s been using Andi's computer and phone and I told Andi to get out the Clorox wipes!

I can’t count how many times she’s said that she might go home early today b/c she needs to rest. It’s flippin’ 4pm and she just said it to me AGAIN…
THEN GO!! Jesus Christ SHUT UP!

I asked her if she could draft a docment for me (I don’t know how!) and she’s like, “Oh can it wait until tomorrow…” I just answered by saying that I’d just have Sally do it instead….”no no, I’ll do it I just need to wait until she’s done with her appointment.” Why she would have to wait until she’s done with her appointment makes NO sense….Sally is NOT using her computer!

Earlier today she came up to my desk asking if I thought she should change the toner in the print because it said LOW TONER and it was printing really light. My response, “if you have to ask me, then you know the answer.”

WHAT THE F%*K!?! Only a child would ask such a dumb question!

God help us all while she’s sick because though we didn’t think she could get any more dense….she’s proving us all wrong!

Cathie said I should write a script for a sitcom with all the crap that goes on in this office.

I can see it...in a Bridget Jones way, with the absurd things that go on here! I would have endless amounts of things to write about!

I'm meant to make millions!

So Who's the Boss Now?

Today I was reading my favorite site (dooce.com) and was compelled to write about the same topic...

My husband and I are currently going through nap/bedtime madness! There are a million people out there that will tell you how they got their little prince or princess to stay in their crib or to transition to a "big kid" bed, but what they forget is that every kid is different!

I have one of the strongest willed children I know. She knows how to push our buttons and she's TWO! I can only imagine the nightmares I'll be having when she's fourteen! She's wonderful for other people...but not for mommy and daddy!

About a month ago she started climbing out of her crib successfully...by that I mean she is able to conquer it every time she tries. When all of this started I bought a toddler bed and figured it was time to transistion. Easier said than done!

We've tried the SUPER NANNY techniques, read books, and tried everything but the duct tape and chicken wire...though it's been discussed! One night, knowing we had about 45 seconds until she was back out in the living room, we turned out every single light in the house thinking that the safety of her night light would send her packin'! We stood still in complete silence as her door opened and she walked right up to my husband and said, "Hi Daddy!" Our freaking kid can see in the dark!!

So obviously that was a failure, but we knew it was just the beginning of crazy attempts.

A couple weeks ago I rubbed my daughter's back as she lay peaceful in her big girl bed, but as soon as I stopped it was over. Well after my patience was depleted I opted back to the crib. For the next 20 minutes I stood there keeping her from shimming down her crib. I swore she would get tired and give up, but naturally I was the one that broke first!

Last week we thought we had finally won...boy were we wrong! She climbed out of her crib and laid on the floor next to the door screaming. She knows how to open the door, so we figured since she wasn't coming out she was fine with sleeping on the floor. We'd go in later and put her in her bed or crib. She screamed for about 10 minutes when my husband broke down and went into her room.

He found a half naked child...peeing on her carpet! !!!

She had clearly won that battle...but the war wages on!

Long Disturbing Road

This past week has truly been a test of both my sanity and heart. We've been dealing with some family turmoil that is basically calling my husband the worst of worst things. I can't go into detail, not only because it's truly a personal issue but to protect my family.

My husband's side of the family, though completely messed up, has always been much more reliable than my own. For years we've had Sunday dinner at his grandmother's most every week. When football season rolls around we rarely miss a Sunday. My husband's cousin, husband and their daughter (who is 3 months older than our daughter) are there too. Once and awhile his other cousins, aunts and their husbands will stop in but mainly it's just our group.

This past week brought the Grand Canyon between the family, and it will never be the same again. The cousin (and her family) that we ate with most every Sunday, her sister, mother and her husband have disowned the remaining members of the family. They have done so because the remainder of the family is supporting my husband. Overnight they have made him out to be a criminal, and the rest of the family refuses to believe the allegations.

I can't say which is worse... the things they are saying about my husband or the fact that they have disowned his grandmother during all of this. She's supporting her grandson and they can't come to terms with that. Being 80+ years old she doesn't watch what she says and she said a few things she shouldn't have....but in the end SHE IS STILL THEIR MOTHER AND GRANDMOTHER! I don't get it.

Maybe it's just that I like to get beat up more than that??? My mom has said MILLIONS upon MILLIONS of unappropriate things, but still here I am putting up with it. She's my mother and regardless of how shitty she treats me, I know she means well. I know she is looking out for my best interest and just doesn't realize that she's actually hurting me. Maybe I'm the messed up one...I don't know.

My husband is in a lot of pain. During the first few days I was his rock, and then this week the roles shifted. I was stupid in thinking that I could e-mail his cousin and help matters...because it only blew up in my face. After doing so, I was a complete mess and didn't know which way to turn. He held my hand this time.

I believe my husband, I really do. I know he didn't do anything wrong because I know HIM. I do fear the worst because there really isn't a way to prove his innocence! I fear at what this could do to our marriage, and to my daughter. I've started questioning myself and I'm driving myself crazy. I'm not questioning his innocence, but questioning if I should take precaution from the worst.

No amount of medication can make me feel better right now.

Too Much Fun

By the time we were done golfing, ceremonies were held, and beers had been drunk...I wasn't feeling any pain.

Jon, a loan officer, invited everyone over to his house to swim and hot tub.

Let's just say I made an impression...good or bad, I'm not certain.

For a brief second I considered going next door to Jess' house to barrow a swim suit, but my very next thought was to dive into the pool. A couple seconds I was joined in the pool by Chris and Louise...though they had on swimming trunks.

I have cuts and bruises today that I have NO idea how I got them, other than it was probably related to the diving contest we were having. It was nothing to do with grace and ability, and everything to do with being the most creative moran to hurt yourself entering the water.

Once we wore ourselves out we hung out in the hot tub. Around 10pm I felt well enough to drive home, though no one believes me. I was FINE! I would never drive drunk!

When I came into work today I got some interesting smirks. I look like worse than I feel!

Prozac Mommy Had Fun Last Night!

Yesterday our company had an office outting. Last month we had to pick an event: golfing or spending the day out on the very lake our boat is parked on. Though I've always been a horrible golfer I decided to go that route.

At the lunch we found out who our teams were made up of. I had been begging the people in charge to PLEASE put me with my boss. I really needed to be with someone that would laugh WITH me at my golfing abilities rather than be humilated with people that I wasn't comfortable with. By total luck of the draw my wish was granted. Jess and I were partners and then Louise and Luke were our other teammates.

If anyone would have told me that I'd have fun golfing in the rain with co-workers I would have called them insane. Holy shit was I wrong! Just before our 12:30 tee time the clouds parted and we were able to get going. It did sprinkle once and awhile, but not until we were almost done did it really get bad again.

I seriously laughed so hard that my ribs hurt today...and not the same hurt you get from using certain muscles that you haven't used in the last decade! We couldn't have put a more fun group together intentionally! We were the perfect fit!

Louise is an avid golfer, Jess golfs now and again through out the season, Luke last golfed at the last company golf outting last year, and I haven't golfed since before I was married...so 4+ years ago. For a great golfer Louise was extremely encouraging and fun about the bad golfing skills. He was there for a fun time too! Jess was getting pissed because she kept topping her ball and driving 10'-20'. Luke could get great distance, but onto other fareways! I on the otherhand was the surprise of the day...I was giving Louise a run for his money. Since it was a scramble we worked together as a team, but it was always fun too see who had the best drives and puts.

I think I lost 2 balls all day...2 balls! There was a time I would have gone through all of mine, and yours, before calling it quits!

The best part of the day was all about Luke. I didn't know Luke before yesterday. I've seen him around, but never knew who he was. He's a job sup so we don't have any reason to know one another. Luke is the type of guy that can hang out with anyone and enjoy himself. Very easy going and very funny! We had started the day on the 16th hole, and at the 1st hole he made a name for himself: Swamp Ass!

All four of us tee'd off, Louise having the furthest drive and Luke the shortest. Though we weren't supposed to be driving on the grass (because of the massive amounts of rain we had just had) Louise proceeded to drive down the fareway to get Luke's ball. Smack dab in the middle of the fareway Luke ran from the cart to get his ball. No one saw it coming, but everyone sure enjoyed the moment. Luke hit an extrememly wet part of the grass and lost his footing. In slow motion everyone saw his feet go up in the air. With a huge splash he crashed to the ground. Had he been hurt we would of all looked like complete asses because before we even saw his reaction everyone in the line of site were screaming in laughter.

Luke actually named himself Swamp Ass. On his next drive he was commentating his own play, "And Swamp Ass is using his 7 iron..." I don't remember ever laughing that hard!

So after a great round of golf, which is still beyond me, we went into the clubhouse for a few more beers and snacks. After everyone else finished we had an awards ceremony. When Luke won his door prize we were happy to share his new name with the entire company!

My Kenzy!

This is my little girl. She turned two on May 18, 2006.

The first picture is from July 3rd, when our town shot off their fireworks. This was the first time enjoying the "booms" and as you can see it was exciting for her. The fireworks were shot off across town, but we could see most of them from our driveway. (oh, and that's me holding her).

The next evening we went out on the lake and watched them. It was just as exciting but a little more scary at the same time. Being so close made them 100x louder!

This picture was taken the weekend before July 4th. Since she really doesn't recall being on the boat last year, she was head over heals about going on it this year.

Shrink 101

Today I had my very first visit with a shrink. Over the last 6 months I haven't felt like myself, more or less I'm always tired and I don't have the motivation I need to get through the day. When I found myself dreading to be alone with my daughter is when it really hit me. I absolutely love Grayce to pieces and I can't imagine life without her, but why would I not want to be alone with her? The main reason was that I just didn't have the energy!

Six weeks ago I went to my Nurse Practioner and I brought up how I didn't feel as though my anxiety meds were working any longer. Yes life with building a new house is hell and potty-training a dog and 2-year old is even worse...so I had every reason to be wiggin' out! She asked me to go see the Psychiatrist to have him re-evaluate my medications.

Today is day one of the rest of my sane life...or is it? I want it to be...so we'll see.

My Debate

When I started this blog I had no intention of naming names, but my own. Now I may never have a single person that reads this blog, but what if... My family and friends are apart of this against their knowledge. This is my diary of sorts. Though they are important factors do I really need to throw them out there into the blog world?

My favorite blog is Heather Armstrong's DOOCE. She talks about her family and friends openly and honestly...or so we are led to believe that.

So my resolve to this matter is to rename my family....either using their middle names or nicknames instead of their real names. Yikes. If it ever comes to where I want to name them as they should be....I will make that change.

Sick Day

I went home from work yesterday sick.

I left at 3:30, so it was only an hour and a half early.

All day I felt PREGNANT! But I'm not! I was just nauseated and wanted to puke.

When I finally had enough, I decided to go home early. Remember when you got to go home sick, and actually go to bed? That went out the door two years ago when a little "responsibility" came into the world. I had to pick my daughter up at daycare before going home. As we pulled onto our street my husband was pulling out of the garage. He was going into work and won't be home until after 10pm. Ugh!

I tried to get my daughter to lie down for a short nap, so I could just close my eyes for a few minutes. From her room I could hear, "Mamma! Out! Mamma No Nap!" After about 10 minutes I brought her into my bed, turned on Finding Nemo and took in a cat-nap or two.

My biggest fear when needing to call in sick, or go home sick is my husband. I know I'm not the only woman out there where their husband doesn't understand a thing when you're sick. I have to give him kudos though, he was very good yesterday...but that is not normal! Normally I get the sigh of disappointment. When he's really irritated by me he'll go into a rant on how he works when he's sick...blah blah blah! So when I decided to leave work yesterday I prepared myself. The entire drive home, when I wasn't thinking about pulling over to puke, I was building up my speech. It would say that it's his own fault he chooses to work when he's sick.... Then I didn't need my speech! When I'm prepared he's nice, and when I'm not he'll catch me off guard!

That takes me to another interesting fact about my husband...his cleaning abilities. Yesterday he stayed home from his part-time job to clean the house. Our house is only messy because WE LIVE THERE! When we finish our basement we'll have twice as much room, therefore we won't be so crammed for space. We're constantly picking up toys and whatever the dog has chosen to bring out of our bedroom (i.e. my underwear, my bra, a pair of boxers, etc.). When I talked to my husband he informed me that he cleaned our bedroom, the master bathroom, the kitchen and living room. He gets a big thumbs up for the living room and the bedroom, but the other two rooms illustrate exactly what I mean.

THE KITCHEN: From a glance there's nothing to be seen on the counters, well except for crumbs and some sticky "whatever." Once you actually walk into the kitchen you then notice that the little counter space between the refrigerator and the pantry is stacked high with papers. Whatever had previously made itself home on the other counters were now moved to this 2' x 1' space! Then when you actually look at the table, it’s just as nasty as it was when I left in the morning. Our daughter's sticky handprints all over the place. If you were to set your elbows (naughty!) on the table, they'd surly stick!

THE BATHROOM: I will admit, I am a slob when it comes to the bathroom. I leave stuff sitting out that could easily put in their proper place. Yesterday when I got home, the counter was completely empty and wiped down. Where did everything go? In my bank of drawers. We each have one small drawer and two deep drawers for all of our stuff. One of his big drawers is actually mine too because he didn't need it. He threw everything into the first two drawers. When I say everything I mean e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. This morning I was getting ready I found a sippy cup with apple juice in my drawer! So that image of him taking his arm and simply sweeping everything into the drawer was realized!
Now is it just me or does cleaning the bathroom have more to do with actually cleaning, or hiding everything? When cleaning I would expect the toilet to be scrubbed, the shower at least wiped down, and the mirrors cleaned. None of these were done. Can you say, SURFACE CLEANER!

Day off!

I took the day off on Friday! It was the best day to not be sitting in a freezing cold office!

My husband and I took our daughter to daycare and took our boat out on the lake (bad parents!). It's just no fun for me to take her with on the boat. While my husband drives, I have to keep her from going overboard. I just wanted to sit there and do nothing but enjoy the day.

We always drive around and dream. This particular lake has some very expensive properties on it, so we like to see what has been torn down and what has gone up. Our favorite spot on the lake was torn down last fall, and is now home to a monstrous construction site. The house going in looks awesome, but still makes us sad that the old one is gone. It was such a cute house, with a wrap-around porch. All the way around the porch were outdoor ceiling fans. It looked like the perfect place to take a nap. That's certainly our stipulation to any home on the lake. If I'm going to pay the taxes, I'm going to enjoy every bit of that house! I want to be able to nap on my porch with drink in hand!

My husband and I had a really nice time together. We actually sat there and talked like adults do. There were no phones ringing, no dogs terrorizing the child, and no child begging to be picked up. For the first time since the birth of our daughter, two years, we had down time together.

There were moments that I wanted to smack my husband though. Like all men, I'm sure, he was taking this moment is as a time to get a piece. I didn't want to start a fight, so I bit my tongue and dealt with it calmly. I wanted to say "Grow Up! We're having a nice time together and all you can think about it is getting laid!" Instead I said, "Why does this have to be about getting a piece? Can't we just have a nice time together?" He replied by saying that he was having a good time and that would make it even better! With a large frustrated sigh I said, "For you, not for me. I just want to spend time together. This is so nice, don't ruin it." End of discussion. Again I'm the bad guy, but come on! We get a couple hours together and that's all you can think about!?! I shouldn't have to point out that we were on the lake in full view of passer-bys and people on shore. No the lake wasn't really busy, but busy enough for my taste!

In the end, I ended up with a nice tan and he's lobster red. His one-track mind kept him from thinking to put on sunscreen onto his Scandinavian skin!

Happy Birthday...and Bub-bye 20's

Today is my 29th birthday. I'm happy nor sad about the day. The only thought running through my mind is that I only have one year left of my 20's...shouldn't I be sad? Your 20's are supposed to be your carefree days, or do I have that mixed up with your college years?

When I look at all that's happened in the last year, I'm very pleased. We moved out of apartment living and into our own house. We built a house in a small town near my hometown. It's only about 25 minutes away from where we had been living for the last 6+ years. The new town is a small town and my husband grew up in the suburbs. This is a new experience for him. I on the other hand had vowed to never return to small town life...but here I am. In the first week or two that we lived in our new house, my husband went to the local drug store. He came home laughing because they were playing polka music in the store. He couldn't get over it and told everyone he knew.
Now that warm weather is upon us I'm being to remember the nice things about living in a small town. There are always kids playing in their yards and even in the streets. The kids can play without constant parental supervision because the neighborhood is so close knit. We go for walks and everyone says hi and asks how old our black lab puppy is. They don't care if your dog goes pee on your lawn, because later in the day their dog will be doing the same on your lawn. When we're at the park other parents strike up conversation with you! I guess I can deal with this small town living after all.

Since moving into our new house we've had some financial ups and downs. Namely, money gets tight my husband gets a nervous twitch. We've been paying off some of our old debt, and in turn tightening up our cash flow. This kills him because he's a compulsive shopper. Yes, I said that "HE" is the shopper! I hate malls and stores and only go when I need to. He could spend hours inside Target or Best Buy. Me, I just want to get to the exit as fast as possible. Especially when I have a two year old in tow.

My husband asked me what I wanted for my birthday...and I debated on what to say. Really, I don't want anything...I need some stuff, but want is such an unpredictable word. I want a car that was made AFTER I graduated from high school, but would prefer that it be AFTER I graduated from college. I'd like a massage, but need a few extra hours of sleep. I'd like to have a girls night out, but could settle on a movie night in.
When I said I didn't want anything for Mother's Day, that's what I got. He did give me three cards: one from him, my daughter, and the dog. I got what I asked for though so I can't complain. So with that, I didn't say what I wanted but told him to think of things that I need.

Life and Death

Yesterday on my way home from the office I managed to beat death by a mere millimeter or two...and I'm not exaggerating! I was following behind a dump truck where the driver thought I should be able to read his mind on his intentions.

At this point either my professional driving skills or luck kicked in because there is no logical reason why I'm here today to tell the story.

The driver of the gigantic dump truck decided that he had the right of way of the entire road. Just as the construction area ended the lanes broke from one to two and a turning lane. He gunned it to the left and I kept going straight. There was obviously some kind of communication error between his vibes and mine because all of the sudden he gunned it for the right...right into me. There was no way out of it. Before I knew it his bumper was headed for my side window, otherwise known as MY HEAD. This is when my ability to maneuver a car around any obstacle came into play. Somehow I managed to slam on the gas, get up on the curb and get past him. We never touched, though there's no way to explain it.
As I watched in my rear-view mirror he sat there for a second, obviously yelling to himself about those damn women drivers. Then he turned his truck back to the left side of the road. He was basically taking an extended WIDE TURN.
He didn't signal, he didn't even slow down- that would have warning enough for me!

As I kept on down the road I was amazed at my composure. I wasn't shaking or even out of breath, I was simply going over what just happened to try and understand it.

Here we go again...

I can never get myself to keep up with a blog. I love reading them, and think about all the things I would post, but when it comes down to it I can't stick with it.

I'm a big fan of DOOCE and could only wish to aspire to her greatness!

I just want to take from what I've read from Heather and give myself something to look back onto. I love her monthly newsletters to Leta, and would love to do the same.

I will once again try to stick it out. I will write at least once a week. Nothing whitty required. I just want to document the days and my daughter's progression. I want to remember the little details some day!


So here goes...