Money Changes People

I want to post a few emails that have been going between my aunt and I over the last two days. It’s basically the family’s dirty laundry, so why would I want to share it? What I’ve learned (so far) in life is that everyone has dirty laundry, and sometimes it’s nice to know that you’re not the only one!

Before Christmas my uncle John died. John is the eldest of my mom’s side of the family. John never married nor had children. His nieces and nephews were the light of his life. When they started to go through his house the first thing that my mom noticed was that he had a Thank-You card on his coffee table from my youngest brother, Matt. The card was from 3-years ago! Next to the card was the Thank-You from MacKenzy’s birthday part last spring. In his checkbook he carried a picture of MacKenzy.

John lived on disability so it’s not like relatives were coming out of the woodwork to stake their claim. My mom knew he had some investments, but figured it would be used to pay off his debts or bills. No one was sure if John had a will, but a friend of his made mention that he had left everything to my brother Mitchell, as John was his Godfather. From the get-go Mitch made it known that he wouldn’t feel comfortable if that was the case. He would certainly split it up with the other nieces and nephews, even if it was just twenty bucks.

After the funeral I learned that there was not a will and that everything would have to go into probate. In my experience probate can take months to years, so I basically forgot about it.

A few weeks ago one of my cousins emailed me:

‘Amy, What's new?... …Are you working the EMS job and the mortgage job at the same time? I ask because you mother thought it was crazy, why would she say that about u? I spoke to her a couple weeks back after her inheritance was finalized from John. I'm curious, would u split it with her siblings/nieces/nephews? She is and will pay a price for it, I hope it's small, she means a lot to me! Anyway, I guess this makes me sorta of a gossip king but, I'm curious what u think about everything? Do u know how unhappy her siblings are with her choice not to split it up with them? Take Care’

I had no idea what he was talking about and immediately responded with “WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT…I know nothing about any inheritance.”

A few days later we spoke and I learned of the drama surrounding the death of my uncle. I talked to my older brother the next evening and he was just as mystified as I was by it all.

Two days later I decided to write a quick e-mail to my aunt to make sure everyone knew, WE DIDN’T KNOW WHAT WAS GOING ON.

So here goes…the chain of e-mails to illustrate how messed up my background is!!!

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Brenda,

Okay so Dan and I are SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO out of the loop that it's not even funny. I seriously just learned about the crap my mom pulled with John's inheritance on Tuesday. Gee, can you say I'm a little slow in finding out?? To make matters worse, I didn't hear it from my mom but from ******** (though he shall remain nameless as my source!). He emailed me asking what I thought of all the John BS and I replied that I had no idea what he was talking about...we talked on the phone Monday night and WOW!

I am SO ashamed. No child should ever have to say that, but it's true. I don't know who she is anymore. The person that did this is not the person that raised me, and certainly not the type of person I associate with.

Tuesday night I spoke with Dan and he was just as mystified as I was. The first question he had, "Are you going to call her out on it?" DAMN STRAIGHT!

The reason I'm writing to you is to let you know that Dan and I just learned of this...and are bothered by it just as much as the rest of the family seems to be. I don't want anyone to think that Dan or I had anything to do with any of this...we are both ashamed to even be in a position for that to be assumed.

I do plan on confronting my mother. If I were to talk her today, it would be the last time for a very long time. I need to cool off a little...but not too much....and then she'll be getting the worse of me. I do not plan to tell her how I found this all out...b/c THAT isn't important.

Love you all!

Amy

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Dear Amy,

I'm sorry this has happened as well. I'm also sorry that you had to hear this second hand and not from your mother. I guess we assumed you knew. But I truly thought about mailing you and asking you where you fit it now.

The family is quite surprised, to say the least, of her actions. This has created an even greater divide in the family, so the saga continues. Sadly. I truly think John probably set up his policy quite a few years ago. He probably put your mom as a beneficiary trusting her to be righteous and fair. That must have been back when they were on speaking terms. Knowing John has spoke highly of ALL of his nieces & nephews, the rest of the family agreed the right thing to do would be to divide it among them to help pay for their education. However being your mom's name is on the policy it stands as a legal document that it is hers to keep. That is what she has decided to do, and there really is no turning back.

So in the end she has written off her family for about $35,000.
Gee, now she can pay off a car or remodel the house??

Good luck on this Amy.

Whoever said kids can do the darnedest things?... so can parents!

Love Always,
Brenda

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Hi Brenda!

I'm very glad to have heard from you. And I do hope you pass the word on to the rest of the clan that Dan and I are 100% on your side of the fence. In every way we are repulsed by her actions.

Over the last couple years Dan and I have really been talking about confronting her on a lot of issues. There has always been that "not quite right" feeling in our relationships with her...but since her illness they have taken a nose dive. We don't know who she is anymore, and do all that we can to avoid her.

Both Mom and Kent have been very controlling over the years. Kent not so much up front, but he'll rag you once he gets a chance. For instance, both of them have a problem with me being on the volunteer ambulance. My mom got on my case when I joined "You're busy enough! You'll get sick if you push yourself too hard...." Oh Shut UP! I'm an adult and can make an adult decision without commentary! There's been times where I'm talking about working a traffic accident out in the sub-zero weather and Kent will say, "Well maybe you just can't hack it." Nothing good to say! I'm volunteering my time for my community (hmm, doesn't Kent do that?) and in turn I get to use my EMS skills!

Dan and I feel as though mom feels she's owed something. Her life has been so off the charts in difficulty that the world should now treat her like a porcelain doll. She doesn't feel the need to go out of her way, because "she's sick." She doesn't have to call and say, "I'm not coming." She'll wait until you call and put on the groggy voice and say that she isn't feeling well. I GET IT, YOU HAD CANCER BUT THE KEYWORD IS 'HAD'...get over yourself! You're alive, so give life a shot!

A year ago when were moving into our house Mom was to take MacKenzy. Plans were to pick her up at the house at 8am, and then bring her home later the next day. At 9am Jason called me wondering where she was...he had a little bored little girl in an empty house. I called and she answered with her sick voice. She said she wasn't feeling well but would leave right away. At 10:15am I called Jason from the apartment to tell him that the movers were done and on their way. Panic screamed through Jason's voice when he said that my mom still wasn't there and now the movers were on their way! I immediately got on the phone but no one answered. I got to the house just after 11am to find Jason in a tizzy, and MacKenzy running around in a freezing cold house (b/c the doors were all open). I picked up my phone and called her...no answer, hang up and dial again, no answer, hang up dial again......again and again until she answered the phone. I went ballistic on her and all she could say, "Well, I told you I was sick."

Instead of hanging up on her I should have said "What about a phone call at 7am saying that you can't do it? Or maybe at 9am when I called!" She called a few days later like nothing was wrong. When I wasn't perky and she could tell I wasn't all that pleased to be on the phone with her she said, "You're not still mad about me not watching MacKenzy?" She tried minimizing the gravity of the situation! I went on a tangent, "You'd freak out if I didn't call to say I was running late for lunch... You did NOTHING! If this would have been a priority on your list, you would have called."

"Well, Amy...I was sick."
"Being sick doesn't exempt you from common courtesy!!!" She ended up hanging up on me because apparently she didn't have anything more to say....and then as usual, a week later she acts like everything is A-Ok!

Sorry for the novel, but I wanted to share that with you b/c it proves that her behavior hasn't been on track for awhile. The "I'm sick" excuse has been worn out for a very long time, but she continues to use it. She's even gone as far as to say that Dan and I weren't there for her when she was sick...which couldn't be further from the truth. Just because we weren't there holding her hand everyday doesn't mean were any less of a supporter.

Dan helped with the boys, while I banked vacation time. I had wanted to take days off to sit down at Mayo with her but she 'asked' for me to wait and use it when she got out of the hospital. I had two weeks off to help her, and unfortunately her discharged got extended at the last minute. I had already taken off the time, so I did what I could. I still was at the house...I cooked meals, cleaned, did laundry, and whatever else I could do to make her transition easier.

So now here we are, years later and she's acting as if we were MIA during the entire thing. Ugh!

Dan has said that he'd back me 150%, so my thoughts are to confront her on this issue and see how she handles it. I'm 99% sure it won't go well, but that will only set the stage for the next step. INTERVENTION. Basically like a drug/alcoholic intervention, but this will be a mental intervention. She needs to get help, and stick to it. She needs to treat people as they deserve to be treated...or sorry, we just I need to step back until you figure it out.

I'll let you know what all happens...
Amy

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Hi Amy,

I will pass the word on to others.

I want them to here me on this family issue as well, so I have cc'd them in.

I and probably many others, share your frustrations on the word "Mother".

I was born to a mother who was not yet diagnosed with bipolar disorder/depression. There has been very many roller coaster rides our immediate family has been on, no thanks to this disorder.

Thank goodness in the 1980's a mood leveling medication was introduced to control the effects of depression, anxiety, panic disorder, bipolar etc. and it's other derivatives.
These conditions are very genetic. I keep this is mind, because I have concluded it is in our genetics on both Tom's and my side of the family. I have watched myself, and my children closely, due to this and have had talks with them on their families medical history. I am no psychologist , but am very much about awareness and openness, because I do not want my family to struggle when there is help, if they need it.

Even though my mother has doctored all of her life there a still quirky things she does that are thoughtless, selfish, and rude. I chose to write my mother off for at least 2 years, through their divorce after 39 years. She at the time was trying an herbal drug and off of the meds prescribed. Not advisable by any psychologist!

We have rekindled our relationship over the past 5 years. Dad has remarried and we are thrilled to see him finally extremely happy to be married to his best friend.
Last Fall I convinced my mom to try a REAL psychologist and quit going back to the family doctor in St. Peter who does NOT specialize in BP and treats her like a lab rat, trying this and that with her meds. No stability in that.
I researched a shrink online and found one for her. She has gone to her quite a few times over the past months. Her meds are stable.
She called just this week excited to have finally gone to a Bi-Polar Group meeting in Mankato, put on by the clinic. She has been going to alanon for years, who constantly talk of drugs and how no one should take them. This has made her feel like she should quit taking her BP meds! So she had, a few times. UGH!
So she is FINALLY understanding that this lack of serotonin disorder is similar to a diabetic not taking insulin. Whew! When you struggle with depression you can cyclically struggle with feeling tired, crabby, and sickly.

I see similarities in your relationship with your mom. Maybe she has acquired through her cancer treatments, or even genetically, with age, depression, which can come on, but like I said I am no doctor. When one struggles with depression they can cyclically struggle with feeling tired, crabby, and sickly. It's easy to bring on the POOR me line.

I don't recommend writing your mom off at this point. I've done it. It's a long haul of awkward, uneasy, frustrating emotions. YES, even worse than how you are feeling about her now. Every holiday, family event, birthday, etc. it's a dragging question, "Should we invite mom?" Of course you should, because she's your mom and then the guilt ways heavy.
Even with as much frustration she has caused you, I have found that if you can call her on the rug on it immediately, and carry on, it's better for you emotionally. In a month or 4, she'll do something again that bugs you, deal with it with her, and keep on. Family members are loved unconditionally, for the most part.

So I recommend you don't do write her off. Consider the idea that maybe she does have some depressive issues, help her realize it, if she doesn't already. Ask her to share what she is doctoring for. Flat out ask her if she is taking an anti-depressant.
If you truly think she needs more help, you may want to suggest it. If she values her kids’ relationships, she may consider it.

Clear the air with her on this issue of John's and carry on the best you & Dan both can.

Keeping my distance seems to work for me. So I also understand the avoidance you feel necessary. It seems the less information my mom knows about myself or the family, the less stories she can assume about us. She still does this.

Go about your good deeds girl. Do what you love!

Take Care,
Brenda

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Brenda,

I know for a fact that she's been on anti-depressants over the years, and I'm pretty sure she's taking them. I think she needs a drug consult! Over the years you have to switch it up...higher dosage or new drug.

I started taking anti-depressants in 2000 after having a melt down at work contemplating my boss coming to work. For weeks I had to sleep sitting up because my chest was so tight, I couldn't talk straight (mumbled), my thoughts were two conversations ahead of me, eating made me feel sick, and breathing was a chore. I had hit a bottom and didn't realize it. Then one day I had the breakdown in the office and it was like a light turned on in my head, "This isn't right." I went to my Dr the same day. After I told her what was all going on she grabbed an Anxiety pamphlet and read it...word for word it was me. It took awhile, but I started feeling a lot better within a month or so. Over the years I had to change up my medications when I didn't feel like myself.

This summer I came to the realization that something wasn't right. I was doubling up on my medication and it wasn't helping. I found that I would dread being home alone with MacKenzy, like it was too labor intensive. All I wanted to do was sleep, and my mood swings were monstrous!

I went back to my doctor and she suggested that I go to a Psychiatrist for a medication evaluation. I met with him once and he suggested that I see a therapist on top of working with him. Can I say this? I love my therapist! She is incredible! I always knew I should go talk to someone, but felt that if I admitted that it was a sign of weakness or looking for the "poor Amy." I had always imagined that it would be a cry-fest and I'd be twice as miserable. After my first session with my therapist it was like a new person was born.

My therapist works closely with the Psychiatrist and so far so good.

In therapy I have come to terms with who my mom is and I've decided that she raised me to be a good person, but I have to work every day to be a better person. We've barely cut the surface when it comes to my Mom but I have defined her in one word: Irrational. She has irrational expectations of people and she justifies her own behavior irrationally. Once I came to that realization it was like WAH-LAH! To work at being stronger I distanced myself from her. When she calls and says, "What have you been up to?" my answer is CENSORED! I've also learned that standing up to her doesn't necessarily mean I have to include screaming. Subtle and firm. The first time that I did it I was damn near jumping up and down.

I'm not perfect either...I've taken myself off my medications before too. Not wise! I'd be fine for about a week (if I was lucky) and then EVERYTHING would start pissing me off. My blood would boil for the most ridiculous reasons. Some time or another the light turned back on and said "TAKE YOUR MEDS YOU IDIOT!" After a day or two I'd be back to myself again. I too have justified my medication as a need, not a luxury. If I don’t want to be that dark and miserable person, I have to take my medications. There's nothing wrong with ME as a person, I just need help. And that's ok. I have also got to remember and give myself praise for realizing I needed help, and was strong enough to ask for it. Many people aren't so lucky.

With that said...yes, the Weber's have a strong ripple effect when it comes to depression. I think and hope the fact that Depression (etc.) is no longer something to be ashamed of and is out in the open, the younger generations will do better.

Amy

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…and that’s all I got to say about that.

Regrets

Today Dooce posed a great question, on the 6th Anniversary of her blog. “Is there anything in my life that I wish I could go back and do differently?”

Hundreds of people posted their comments, and reading each one was actually more gratifying than depressing. The comments were validations of feelings I had once felt (or still do)…and reading it in the words of someone else only proved that I’m not alone!

Below is my response. This was the first thing that came to mind when I read Heather’s question. After reading other’s comments I could have added SO MUCH more to my own (but then it would have been a novel!):

If I could change anything....it would be that I would have come to my senses A LOT sooner about my relationship with my mother. I am 29 years old and just in the last year have come to the realization that my mother is a irrational person, and regardless of what I do she will always have something negative to say.

I needed to have learned that by doing the compete opposite of her expectations doesn't really mean that I'm in control....it just means that NO ONE was in control.

I wish my older brother and I would have sat down long ago and discussed this, rather just opening up about this in in the last 10 months. I would have found out that all these years he felt sorry for me, and wanted so badly to make my mother stop treating me the way she did....but in avoiding the conflict he was keeping his nose clean and not being judged. I would have been far less resentful of him and his freedom!

All in all...had I stood up for myself YEARS ago, I would not be shelling out the $$$ for therapy today.

But thanks to a great therapist, I now feel in control of a messed situation.


So the more I think of that question, the more things that come up. Many of these things I’m still learning to deal with, and some I have learned to accept…but nonetheless they are regrets.

I wish my father was just that, a father.

I wish I would have never lost touch with my little sister and her mom. 17 years later…we’re only starting a relationship.

I wish my stepfather wasn’t such a hard ass, and more of a father figure.

I wish he’d stand up to my mom and get her the help she needs.

I wish my mom would stop all the yelling.

I wish I could save my little brother’s from her.

I wish I would have put some effort into high school- had I, college wouldn’t have been so difficult.

I wish I would have picked a college based on where I wanted to go…not where I was expected to go.

I wish I didn’t care what people thought of me.

I wish I had been more responsible with money, and the feelings of others.

I wish I could control my mouth, think first and then say something nice or nothing at all.

I wish I would have tried living up to my full potential years ago, rather than TRYING TO FIGURE IT ALL OUT NOW.

I wish I would have not refused to pursue a nursing degree to go against my mother’s wishes.

I wish I would have told Andrew I had it bad for him…though I’m sure he knew

I wish I would have met my husband a few years later…I don’t regret meeting him, and if it wasn’t for all the pieces of the puzzle that brought us together, I wouldn’t have my amazing daughter today. I just would have like to have had a little more fun before entering a serious relationship.

I wish I would have not had such high expectations of people…and such low expectations of myself.

I wish I would have realized that Jenny was crying out for help, rather than thinking it would just pass.

I wish that every November 16th I didn’t think “what if.”

I wish Jenny would have failed.

I wish my family would have been more understanding of my incredible depression.

I wish I wouldn’t have let it escalate over the years.

I wish Jason would have kept his mouth shut of July 4th.

I wish his family wasn’t at war with each other over someone’s stupid lie.

I wish Kristi would realize how badly she is hurting her family.

I wish she’d admit that she lied.

I regret having regrets! I could go on forever…..So here's to today!!

Bed or Floor...Hmmm?

In today’s post by dooce, I have decided that I am completely jealous of her. Not in an adult way either….here I am stomping my feet and throwing things in rage like a 4 year old that wants a cookie.

Her daughter Leta is just over 3 months older than MacKenzy and just transitioned to a toddler bed. Leta never tried climbing out of her crib and didn’t have problems sleeping in it. The toddler bed was her parent’s idea. To top it off, her best is the coolest thing in the world- she sleeps in it!

In my case…my ‘strong willed’ daughter started climbing out of her crib over a year ago. Climbing out of the crib was fun and far from difficult for her. She’s a little daredevil and is physically knocks around like a rambunctious little boy. For the last year we have been battling her sleeping habits….or more truthfully, location.

In the first few weeks…maybe months, she was great about sleeping in her bed as long as Mommy lay with her until she fell asleep. I tried to fight this…I refuse to have a child that can only sleep if I’m there to hold their hand. No Way! But NOT doing it also meant her not staying in her room nor going to bed at a proper time (which is still being established!). She would have me cuddle in with her, but that only lasted for a short period of time because the bed isn’t meant for a mommy!! The metal frame that holds the bed started to resemble the letter “U.”

To make a long story short….she now refuses to sleep in her bed what-so-ever! If she sleeps in her room at all, it’s on the floor. She’ll make herself a little bed and crash on the floor. Even better, half under the bed! She’s gotten better about actually going to bed, but there she is…on the floor. Most often she finds her way into our room around 2AM…not wanting to get out of the warm bed (or actually, completely wake up) one of us will throw her between us. If we actually do what we’re supposed to and put her back into her room, she eventually finds her way back, again. Recently we have started to find her in the morning- inches from my husband’s size 13’s. Yes, she will cuddle up on our floor, usually half under the bed, and we don’t realize it until someone almost steps on her head!

So not only does Heather Armstrong get to stay home with her daughter AND husband, she gets paid to blog! Now this! What’s next? If you say ‘win the lottery’ I’m going off the deep end!?!

Hopes and wishes…in the next couple weeks MacKenzy’s getting a hand-me-down “big girl” bed from her most favorite person in the world, my youngest brother Matt- her ‘Uncle Matty.’ My parents are buying a new bed so Mitch (the older of the two boys) gets their old bed (harsh- Queen-sized Sleep Number Bed!), Matt gets Mitch’s Queen, and Kenzy gets Matt’s twin. This is actually a blessing…since Matt is her favorite, we have something to use! I told my mom that I want to make a big deal out of this…making sure Matt is there to “give” it to her.

Please God, please please please…..let her adore this bed!

Spanish 101

Last night I had my monthly ambulance meeting and the Spanish issue came up. Our incident the other night has happened repeatedly but no one has taken it upon themselves find a resolve.

I suggested that I make up some laminated cue cards with the basics:

Are you okay? Where do you hurt? Are you allergic to any medications? Do you have any health issues we should be aware of?

Granted we won't understand their responses, however I can then list medications that people are typically allergic to...in Spanish and English.

SOMETHING is better than nothing! Now that's my new project. Luckily a friend of mine from high school is fluent in Spanish so I can ask her for a little help.

Thank You Ms. Finch

I took a quarter and a half of Spanish in college, but I solely base my Spanish skills on what I learned from Ms. Finch in 9th grade. Ms. Finch was a rather odd older woman that wore the same outfit two-days in a row no matter what. The immaturity of the students often threw her into a rampage of words we couldn’t interpret.

Over the years I’ve done my time in the service industry working along side several Hispanic men and women. Though they all spoke moderate to perfect English, they made sure I learned Spanish. “Mucho Gusto tu Chi-Chi’s”

I’ve never considered my Spanish skills worthy of a conversation nor would it get me anywhere in Mexico. “Donde el bano?” is really all you need isn’t it? Or “Mas Cervesas!”

This past weekend I was on-call for the ambulance both Friday & Saturday night. I was dreading getting a single call because it was extremely cold outside….-20-ish. On Friday night my pager went off just before 7pm, “MVA with injuries, possibly multiple injuries.” The first words out of my mouth, “Ahw Shit!” I knew it….Siberian weather and I have to play outside!

Luckily adrenaline keeps you pretty warm! I had on plenty layers, but it’s not like I can put layers on my hands. I think someone would frown on me having gloves over my rubber gloves!

When we get on scene the first thing the city cop said, “Anyone speak Spanish?” The look of terror swept cross my two partners’ faces. There were two state troopers, two city cops, and the three of us………I was the only person that had an ounce of hope to communicate with the injured.

When I approached the first two men I explained, “Me hablo muy pequino Espanol.” Which actually translates to, “I speak very small Spanish.” Hours later it occurred to me that I should have said, “Me hablo muy pequito Espanol.”

They were all showing signs of being hurt, but it was our job to see which ones needed to be transported, and who should be attended to first. Hmmm… In Dr’s offices and in hospitals they have charts showing a happy face at ONE and a very Sad face at TEN. I didn’t have that picture so I had to figure out a way to say it. Keeping mind that I’m fluent in American Sign Language, I used both skills to get through it, “Como Esta? Uno es muy bueno, cinco es muy mal! (for some reason cinco came out of my mouth rather than diez, but I ran with it)

One guy answered “Muy Mal…Cinco Cinco!” while the other answered “Asi Asi….dos.” I looked back at my partners and said, “this guy is fine, this guy needs a backboard.” The looks on their faces were like “Oh My God Thank You for telling me what to do!”
The third man was the driver and I basically understood that he was okay, but his chest hurt from the airbag. We transported all three (the guy that was fine didn’t exactly have a ride to the hospital) the 4 blocks to the hospital.

Normally once we get to the hospital we’re maybe there 20 minutes…this was not the case Friday night. We had called ahead to tell them that they needed a translator so by the time we got there they had bad news….they couldn’t get a hold of their translator. Grrrreat.

My extremely limited Spanish skills were now needed for the nurses and doctor on staff…can you tell it’s a small town hospital? An hour and a half later a friend of theirs showed up that spoke fluent English, and Spanish…About Time!

An hour and a half after we got to the hospital we were able to leave. The driver and front passenger were in X-ray, and the other guy was waiting for their friend.

On the way back to the station my two partners were laughing and thanking me a million times over. They couldn’t get over that they would have been completely clueless as to what to do!!

My Petition

I adamantly believe that medical personnel should get a discounted rate on airfare.

On an airplane, hell on a bus!, if you knew there was doctor, a paramedic, or an EMT on your flight? It's just that assurance that if something happen! I know I would! Hell, people in the EMS field laugh, "Who is going to take care of me?" If I had a medical emergency at work who would run to my rescue?

Every year there are thousands of heart-attacks in flight...and God only knows how many other things!

As I've mentioned before, my husband and I work with kids teaching them Fire and Medical skills. They all are immediately CPR/AED certified, and First Responders (which is the same training a police officer has for medical) For some kids it's just a fun thing to be apart of, and some really grow to love the field and want to go to school!
The Captain of the post is a 17 year old senior in high school. Over Christmas he and his mother were flying home when the flight attendant came over the overhead asking for anyone with medical training to come to the back of the plane. This 17 year old kid didn't hesitate, he got up and walked to the back of the plane. The patient was an older woman having a difficult time breathing. He did exactly as he was trained and eventually the woman was able to control her breathing. Afterwards he simply went back to his seat, but not before he was praised by the flight staff and other passengers. This kid is extremely bashful, so I can just about imagine how red his face and ears were!

He did what was trained to do...and for that people were grateful. He doesn't want a medal or even so much as a thank you...he does it because he can. I do it because I can.

Isn't that safety net worth something? If you accept the discount, you accept the fact that you may have to help someone in flight. I'm fine with that! I'm covered under the Good Samaritan Law.

Just My Luck

First off HAPPY GROUNDHOG Day............normally I couldn't give a damn about the celebration of a rodant, but since he didn't see his shadow I'm willing to jump on the bandwagon...if you don't know, it means we'll have an early spring. If it happens I'll be extrememly pleased...if it doesn't some rodant in PA will be smoked out of his little hole.

Today proved to be a test of my luck...which for all the Irish in the world, I'm the most unlucky. I win those lame prizes that no one wanted anyway, never something I would be proud to show off!

As I was sitting at my desk working the director of Marketing walked into my office. Not an abnormal thing, but the look on her face immediately read "Panic!" I asked her what was wrong and she asked that I come take a look at Kay, the Sales Director. "She's on the floor in a lot of pain. She says it's in her chest!" Not that I wish any ill fate on anyone (well, maybe the person that needs to push through my RAISE!) but I get excited about this stuff! I rushed into the office where Kay was laying on the floor and knowing I am medically trained, a sigh of relief came over Kay's face. I checked her over the best I could, but with chest pain the only advice I can give is: "Get to the hospital." I told her that I felt she needed to go in, especially since nothing this has ever happened before. Kay just wanted to stay on the floor awhile longer, so I suggested that I get my medical bag and take a look at her blood pressure.

HERE'S MY LUCK TURNS SOUTH

I ran outside in the -10 weather, got my bag and was practically skipping back to Kay. Yes, I know....trust me it's an EMS thing. I slapped on the blood pressure cuff and got ready to go...
the gage for the cuff was FROZEN! I couldn't help her one bit! How depressing!

Kay finally agreed to go to the hosipital and she's been there since. Her assistant took her and has since returned. They are running test, but as of yet there's nothing to tell.

Venting

My email to Erica:

Okay a moment of venting is needed:

I could hear Christine in the back of the office by the copier. She yelled, "Are you printing a package?"

I replied that I was but she must not have heard me because she walked up to the front of the office and asked again. “Are you printing a package?”

“Yes”

“Which one?”

WHAT'S MISSING FROM THIS DISCUSSION?

COMMON FUCKING SENSE!

You're standing at the copier (which is also the printer!) why wouldn't you just look?? I don't get it?
"Gee is there a package printing.....[lifting up print-out]....Oh! It's the Schindler package!"


Now wasn't that easy?

Am I a bitch or what!?! This crap drives me nuts!


Erica’s Response:

Seriously, she must have been dropped on her head or something. I don’t know anyone else who would be so……well, you know what I’m saying!!! DUH

Noise Noise Noise

Okay, my family isn't all that traditional...I have three brothers. Dan and I are 18 months apart, but when I was four our parents divorced (Thank God!). When I was in 6th grade my mom got remarried. A few days after school let out that year, my biological father and his girlfriend had a baby girl, Marki. A year later my mom and step dad had Mitchell, and then three years later along came Mathew. So...there are 12 years between Marki and I....13 years between Mitch and I, and 16 years between Matt and I. Dan was actually out of the house before Matt was born.

So with that said, as the boys were growing up Dan and I had fun buying gifts for them. Buying toys for boys is WAY more fun than buying for girls! When Matt was 3 I started to date Jason, my husband. From day one Jason was Matt's brother..he said so the first time he met Jason. When it came to birthdays and Christmas Jason and I went out of our way to be destructive or loud toys. My parents countinually told us that payback would be a bitch.

When MacKenzy came along my brothers enlisted in helping my parents shop for such gifts. Up until this past weekend they haven't been successful in driving us nuts...but they have now won.

Over Christmas they were in Mexico and they found the perfect gift, and to top it off MacKenzy thinks its the coolest thing in the world. If you think back to the Karate Kid, Mr. Miagi shows Daniel-son a little hand-held drum that he'd sping between his palms. When the drum would go back and forth little strings with beads on the end would hit the drum. Oh it's that, but even worse! It's a tamporine too! Talk about loud and annoying!

This morning when Jason got home from work she instantly had to show him her new toy, she was so proud. I explained to him where it was from and the look he gave me was basically, 'Ahh Shit!"

A ing Miracle

From the words of my older brother, "A F-ing Miracle" happened in the month of January.

Not only did my mother take MacKenzy over night ONCE, but TWICE in a matter of two weeks! Unlike most grandmas my mother is too busy or better yet, too self-involved to spend time with her one and only grandchild. Last year we moved within 20 minutes of my parents' house, and we see them less than we did when we lived an hour away.

To make matters worse, each time we visit my mom and step dad, my mom pours on the guilt...lumpy gravy kind of thick! Usually for the first half-hour MacKenzy won't have a thing to do with my mom. She'll play with my two younger brothers or hide her face in the nape of my neck. Once she finally wins her over with something sweet the knife starts making the jabs into my sides, "Your Mommy never brings you to see me!!"

Right after the New Year I hesitantly approached my mom about MacKenzy visiting them for a night so Jason and I could attend my recognition dinner for the ambulance department. She of course had to check her schedule but for once the schedule was in my favor: My youngest brother had a hockey game in the town that we live in...no excuse could fly!! Though she said yes, I was apprehensive until I saw her car pull in my driveway. (She has a history of canceling at the last minute). The next morning Jason and I went to pick her up and the report was great. They had a wonderful time together and MacKenzy was on her best behavior.

While my luck was flowing I approched my mom about possibly taking MacKenzy this past weekend. We had a scheduling conflict where Jason would be on shift while I had to be in class all day. Getting a sitter to watch her all day wasn't fair to MacKenzy nor the sitter! If it was summer, that'd be a different story! I really was desperate though, Jason and I had to be some place with no way around it.

My mom actually agreed to help us out though it would require her to drag MacKenzy along to hockey games. On their way home from a hockey game on Saturday they picked her up, and on their way home from a game Sunday, they dropped her off. When they picked her up I was able to breathe that sigh of relief....can you tell that I don't trust her to show!!??

So the miracle as it be may never be repeated... but it was a nice one at that!

Anxiety Attacks In My Sleep

I seriously still have panic attacks in the middle of the night about school! I have two specific dreams that send my heart racing.

A list of random thoughts that play out into a story-

[The first is that I’ve shown up for the first day of school, in high school, and I’m un-prepared.] The bell will be going off any second. I have one pen and one notebook. I know I’ll lose the pen by third period. [I start to panic] Wonder if someone would lend me another pen? [As I’m walking in to the doors of the high school] I forgot my schedule at home! [I can see the tables lined up inside to get copies of your schedule and locker combinations.] I don’t even know where my locker is…what grade am I in anyway? The bell! I’m not even to the table. Late already, and it’s only the first day! No time to find my locker. Don’t have anything to put in it anyway. [As I walk into what seems to be a chemistry lab I can see that the teacher is irritated with my tardiness, and now all of the class is looking at me.] Is there anyone in here that I know?

Breakdown: This never happened to me, but I always feared it with the start of each quarter or new school year. Everyone was always late for classes on the first day of school, so it wasn’t anything to stress about! To top it off, I went to a very small high school where you knew everyone…so to walk into a room of people wondering if I know anyone, that wouldn’t have ever happened!

Second Dream’s Random Thoughts: (my heart is seriously pounding just thinking of this story…and still, there’s no reason for it!)

[I’m in college and as I walk across the bridge to my class anxiety fills my body as I think about going to this specific class.] This is the second time I’ve taken this class. I never go, no wonder I’m going to fail it again. What if there’s a test today and I have no idea what’s even going on in the class? What if the class moved? I could walk into an empty room, or even worse a room with a completely different class in it! How would I find out where my classed moved? I could call the professor, but what if the class moved weeks ago? He’ll know that I haven’t been there! I don’t know anyone in my class so I would have to call. Maybe I should just drop the class and try again next quarter. God, I need the credits though. This is all my own fault!

Breakdown: This too never happened to me, but I did in fact stress about it in college. I feared skipping a class because then I’d probably miss something important, like the class moving! I did have a friend that actually experienced her class moving after not having been there in awhile, so I’m sure that’s how the thought entered my mind.

Now I’ve been out of high school for 12-years this coming June, and out of college 8-years this August. Why in the hell am I still stressing about this stuff!?! I wouldn’t think anything of it if the dreams happened once in a very blue moon, but no, I’ve had them so often that I actually get anxious going to bed thinking that I might dream about it…therefore allowing me to dream about it!

Part of getting past my anxiety issues is facing those issues and getting past them. Am I supposed to get past the dreams, or past the things I’m dreaming about? What in the world do I do to get over things that NEVER happened? Or better yet, never happened 12-years ago!

Thirty-Two Months Going On 19-Years

This last month has been so incredible. Christmas was simply unbelievable. If I could have just sat in the corner all day watching you, I would have. Each present was the most amazing thing in the world, unless it was clothes, and you wanted to play with it immediately. You were far from selfish, always willing to help other people open their gifts too!

On Christmas Eve day you went to church with Nana and Bob. It took everything in my body to hold myself back and allow this, as it was (and still is) against every cell in my body. I had imagined I was free of having to fight this battle when your Nana moved to Orlando, little did I forget to remember that they come to MN to visit! In the spirit of the holiday I didn’t fight with Nana and swallowed the bowling ball-sized lump in my throat.

That night we went to the church where daddy and mommy were married. Though I still have questions of religious inadequacies church is apart of Christmas and apart of a tradition that I plan to keep. When we walked into the church I watched closely to witness your head spin off like a top; church twice in one day!

Santa came on Christmas morning and you were overwhelmed. Dora puked all over the living room! Your favorite thing Santa brought you was your Dora bicycle. I wish Santa would have waited until your birthday so you can actually ride it outside, but Daddy as made you a nice obstacle course in the basement that you seem to enjoy.

On New Year’s Daddy had to work and Mommy had plans. Part of me felt guilty that I was leaving you with a sitter, but in the end you had more fun than I could have imagined. I left with you Maiah and Cady, and their sitter, and you guys played non-stop all night. We got home well after midnight and both Cady and you were still up celebrating. We had told the sitters that you could stay up as long as you were well behaved.

The next morning the first words out of your mouth, “Cady’s House?” Every day since you’ve asked to go back to Cady’s house…so enough with the guilt!

In the last few weeks you have developed into the “Why” child. When I was little we used to call my cousin Ryan, “Whyan”…and you remind me of him everyday. “Where’d Daddy go?”

“Daddy’s at work.”

“Why?”

“Because he has to make money.”

“Why?”

“Because he needs to buy you Dora toys.”

“Dora! Wanna Watch Dora?” So easily distracted!


Yesterday you unintentionally broke your Daddy’s heart. After he had picked you up from daycare you pointed to the hill where the Fire Department is and said, “Daddy’s house!” He corrected you by saying that it was his work and that he lived with Mommy and Kenzy at Kenzy’s house. “No. Mommy and Kenzy live Kenzy’s house. Daddy live at work!” You Daddy immediately called to inform me that he works too much.

He doesn’t work too much. He works more than some Daddy’s, but it’s not like he’s away from you for long periods of time. As a fire fighter he’s forced to be away overnight a couple times a week. You’ve known nothing else so I never thought you’d really understand the difference. When he’s not at the fire department he is usually working for the landscaping department. In that position he picks you up from daycare at 3:30 and play together until I get home at 6pm.

Last week Daddy didn’t even go into his part-time job, instead he stayed home with you. The two of you played all day and took a 3 hour nap each day…

Last week sometime we got a notice from daycare that you bit another child. We thought we were past all of this but apparently your way to show aggression is to bite the child IN THE FACE, no less! I never imagined that you wouldn’t be an aggressive child…I’m apart of your make-up therefore it’s an impossible thing to avoid, but to bite the child in the face…that’s pretty harsh, kid! Daycare said that you were sitting on a stack of pillows looking at books when another child approached you to join in on your fun. There was a minor scuffle and then you ended it by putting the other child to tears.

As a parent I’m supposed to teach you to stand up for yourself, but at the same time I have to show you how to treat people around you. I’m failing on one of the two.

What's your stick of butter moment?

There's a commercial for the YMCA (not sure if it's a national or regional commercial) that makes my stomach curl each time I see it:

A woman is sitting on her couch watching television munching on a stick of butter. She completely devours the butter, and when she's done she actually licks the wrapper clean. Seconds later it pans back to her with one of those, "Why did I eat that?" looks.

We've all had them!

I distinctly remember a specific moment where I realized I was in the midst of a "butter" moment, and at the same time I could see a pattern. For two seasons I have watched the season finale of "Biggest Loser." Without premeditation, I have consumed very cheesy, very greasy pizza while watching the show.

I'm watching these amazing people conquer their horrible eating habits. I'm inspired by the trainers and by the sheer enjoyment of watching each person and their achievements... as the grease drips down my chin.

Pretend

Okay so I'm sure people don't want to hear about my kid and all of the amazing things she does on a regular basis...but see sometimes the things she pulls are so funny that I need to share them! I don't care you if you don't laugh as long as I am while writing about it!

Okay so right after Christmas we were in Target picking up some gear for my iPod. MacKenzy hates to shop with a passion...a lot like her mommy! To keep her from taking off or throwing a tantrum I usually have to keep moving and keep her interested. That particular day we were right by the card section of the store when she saw a Diego bithday card (Dora the Explorer's cousin...ugh). She grabbed it and said, "For me, please?" Laughing under my breath I told her that she had plenty of new toys at home and that Diego had to stay at the store. "No! Diego go Kenzy's house!"

Creative thinking had to work..."Do you have any money to buy Diego? Mommy doesn't have any money."

"I have money mama!" She stuck her hand down in her pocket and looked as if she was pulling out a handful of lint. I put my hand out as she placed absolutely nothing into my hand; pretend money! Holding back my laughter I told her that she didn't have enough, "Diego is a hundred dollars." Her face scrunched up while she contimplated how to get more "money."

Like any smart child she ran to her unknowing father and asked him for "hun-red monies Daddy?" And what's his response? "Ask your Mom."

She comes back and whines that her Daddy said no, and she stuffed the card back into it's slot and walked away with a fat bottom lip.

My husband then came to me and asked why she wanted a hundred 'monies' and I told him the story...in the end he chuckled, "the 'go ask your Mom' strategy really does work! Sweet!"

Almost Dooced

Now I rarely write about work people so the appropriate term wouldn't exactly be "Dooced," but with lack of a better term I'm going to run with it.

I was almost dooced right before Christmas because of my internet activity....yikes. I was being bad, and I knew it, but I couldn't focus!! It wasn't like I wasn't working, I was just taking a little breaks here and there. By law we're to get a half hour lunch and two fifteen minute breaks. If my boss isn't around for lunch I usually eat at my desk, and we don't take our fifteen minute breaks. It's not like I can't, but unless I'm super bored I really don't think of it! It's not like I put down my work and put my feet up, no... My boss and I have previously discussed this where she felt it was acceptable to take little brain breaks now and again throughout the day. That could be for surfing the web, emailing friends, or making personal calls. She trusts us to do our work.

Well one morning I had an email from Target and I seriously thought it was about a prescription. I clicked on it just as the company office manager (basically my boss' equal) walked up to my desk. I didn't have time to minimize so when she saw my screen and immediately asked if I was shopping online. "No. I had an email I thought was about my prescription, so I clicked on it and I got the Target website."

A few days later I was working away like a busy bee when one of the son's of the family run business stopped in front of my door and said, "I need to see you downstairs." At first I didn't even think twice. He has called me into meetings before, so I figured it had to do with that...Until I walked up to the conference room and saw the office manager, the owner of the company, and the son. My heart sank and in a split second I begged God to not let them fire me just before Christmas.

They basically told me that after my encounter with the office manager they had the IT Dept. run reports on everyone. Myself and six other people were called in to discuss our internet activities. I basically got a nice lecture but in the end I still had my job...PHEW!

The relief of it all actually put me to tears. I sat in that entire nerve-racking meeting perfectly fine, but as soon as I walked out the door the tears started to flow. I was embarrassed, ashamed and pissed at myself all at the same time. I had to run to the bathroom to hide my face for awhile. Once I was less red in the face, and I had fixed my eye make-up I returned to my office. Luckily there were only two other people in the office and they were both tied up at that moment. I, on the other hand was actually supposed to have left for Minneapolis 20 minutes prior...so I was able to escape without anyone seeing me!

Once I returned from my outside errands my face was back to normal and no one new the better. For the last few weeks every time I see the three people that reprimanded me I feel like a complete Moran and like their thinking, "We need to get rid of her..."

My immediate boss luckily loves me therefore I have one cheerleader in my corner.

Happy New Year!

Whether or not you like country music you have more than likely heard of Carrie Underwood... yes, from American Idol. I haven't ever listened to her CD but every song she has released has been a good one. My favorite has to be "Before He Cheats."




Saturday night I brought in the New Year with Carrie Underwood! Mystic Lake Casino/Hotel in Prior Lake, MN had two shows on New Year's Eve. The first show was sold to the public, but the second was a VIP performance for high rollers. I'm far from a high roller, I can't even tell you the last time I gave them anything!...but knowing the right people got me in! In like Flynn that is!!!! 7th row seats! To make it even better, the 7th row was up two stairs from the previous 6 rows so I didn't have to stretch to see around the person in front of me.


Carrie Underwood is probably the best vocal performer I've seen in a really long time. Her voice was identical to her recorded voice...in otherwords she didn't suck like some people do! And no, she wasn't lip synching! That girl has a serious set of lungs! Beside her songs from her only album, she sang two Guns-N-Roses songs. Now I know it's hard to believe that a girl, much less a country girl, could sing "Sweet Child of Mine," but she serioulsy hit it like she owned it! I was amazed, really!

This was a big night out for me, I can't remember the last time we've "gone out" for New Year's. Normally we go to our friends' and we hang out while playing games. It was our same group of friends that went to the concert, but the venue was far more exciting!

31 Months

MacKenzy...
Yesterday you turned 31 months. I know I should stop counting months, but each one is so different from the last- I can't help myself!

Right now you're standing beside me coloring on your new easel dry-erase board that you got from "Santa" while at Grandma and Papa's house on Sunday. We celebrated Christmas a week early because Grandma, Papa, and Uncles Mitch & Matt are going to Mexico again this year. Celebrating a week earlier is actually a lot easier on me and your daddy, but it also drags out the fun for you. You just drew an actual heart, more like a kidney but you were pretty happy to call it a heart.

In the last month you have challanged your dad and I to no end. We're still dealing with sleeping issues...if you would only sleep in your bed, the world would be a brighter place each morning! Last week I swore I was going to outlast you, and all I got was a trip to the Chiropractor. For a full 30-minutes I stood outside your bedroom door waiting for you to step outside your room. When you did, I picked you up and put you back in your bed without saying a word. It broke my heart and maybe a little giggle each time you had a plea,

"Mama I'm Happy!"

"Mama I'm Beary Happy!"

"Mama I Cry No More, k?"

At one point you grabbed my hand and said, "Let's Talk" and you took my hand and led me to the staircase... just as I had done to you only 40-minutes earlier.

No matter how bad I wanted to give in, I knew that if I let you win I'd never hear the end of it from your dad. After a half-hour your dad took over standing guard at your door. Within 15-minutes you were fast asleep in his arms. You were physcially exhausted.

Watching the wonders of the Christmas Holiday through your eyes is exactly what makes life worth living. You gasp at the sight of Christmas lights, and when you see anything remotely Christmas-like you shout, "Christmas!"

I can't wait for Christmas...you are going to be so much fun to watch.

The Fear of Santa

MacKenzy talks a big game when people ask her if she's told Santa what she wants for Christmas. She will say that she asked for "Dora presents!" Her actual response to the jolly old man was to glare at the floor while burning signs of the devil into floor. So far all of her photos with Santa and the Easter Bunny have included one or both of us.

Why do we subject ourselves, not to mention the kids, to this misery? It's not funny while we're standing in line for two hours watching each and every kid in front of you wig out! You know you're kid isn't going to be any different, yet we wait.

Hence! The reason we don't go to the mall Santa, but to Bachman's where there are floral displays so there is still chance of a good Christmas card shot! Their Santa is awesome, but until she thinks he's a cool guy we'll be sticking to the other displays!

The following shots are for your humor, not to mention my own. I found them on a site that strictly posts 'freaked out by Santa' shots. What's funny to me is actually looking at Santa, not the kids!

There's SUCKER Santa....some poor old man thought it would be fun to play Santa and look what he gets for it!

Gumpy Santa: I'm surprised the kids in this photo aren't screaming their heads off with this guy! He looks like he could use a nap.

Criminal Santa: This guy looks like he should be in a police line-up.

Maybe this is his disguise!

The evil Santa: I'm crying too!

There's Strung Out Santa: GET OFF THE CRACK SANTA!

Can't forget Elephantitus Santa!

Crying Santa: He's looking for a new gig!

And then the REAL Santa!

Only the REAL Santa could laugh with his lap full of screaming children!

Nice Socks!

Enough Is Enough

Okay so I'm having a hard time with this Kid Sleeping In the Wrong Bed escapade. My problem isn't so much with MacKenzy, she's two...but it's with Jason.

He is far from patient and it's all MY fault. Last night was a prime example of his inability to take a deep breath and realize that it's not going to be like this forever, nor is it the end of the world! MacKenzy and I went to bed around 8:30. I was going to start following the advice of a reader and that meant I was to lay with her until she fell asleep and then transfer her into her own bed once she was out cold. It didn't happen as quickly as I hoped so at 9:30 Jason joined us in the bed giving me the silent treatment. This is his way to inform me that he's angry with me. The fun part is trying to figure out WHY! I can only assume one of two things...our friend Chris came over unexpectedly and naturally it's my fault because he wanted to spend a quiet night at home. The other thing is that I went into the bedroom with MacKenzy rather than sit out in the living room with him...though he watches TV in the bedroom all the time. I guess that's only okay for him. Come On! I was watching Dora the Explorer! Not really my idea of a relaxing time!

Once he came to bed MacKenzy was still a little squirmy and I did my best to keep her close to me so as to not set him off. Within 5 minutes of him laying down with us he freaked and took her to her room. After about another 15-20 minutes of her screaming he went back in and told her she could sleep on our floor...with her mattress. She was game for that! As he set his mattress down he started in on me, "Why do I have to always be the bad guy!"

"Because you flip out and the things that bother you don't necessarily bother me!"

MacKenzy begged me to lay down on her mattress with her and to keep Jason from flipping out again, I crawled beside her. I could hear him mumbling something to the fact that I always give her her way...blah blah blah! I just ignored him and within 5 minutes MacKenzy was out cold and I climbed back into bed. She slept the entire night without a peep.

This morning when he got up she woke up but was really happy and was saying, "Morning Daddy!" with a hug grin on her face. He simply made a half-hearted smile and said, "Morning Kenzy."

I'm starting to think both Mommy and Kenzy need to get a bed in Kenzy's room. What a baby!

This isn't something new either, it all started from the day I brought her home the hospital. If you are a male or a female that has never nursed a child, you have absolutely no right to comment on anything related to my boobs or the child's eating!! And you have no right to comment on me falling asleep during the night feedings!!

Jason would get so pissed when I'd fall asleep on our reclining couch while nursing MacKenzy. He would say that I was going to make it so she wouldn't sleep on her own..blah blah blah! Looking back on it I should have said that he had to get up with me for every feeding and keep me awake if that was such a worry of his. I was exhausted, and until you've done it you have no idea how draining it is! And despite it all I will do it all over again!

Funny thing is, the sleeping in our bed thing was started by Jason...or so in my opinion it was. Jason usually gets at least one day a week where he doesn't have to go into work and on those days he keeps MacKenzy home. Over the summer they'd crawl into our bed to watch TV or a DVD together. It was quickly learned that if she slept in her room her naps were an hour or so, but in our bed they were usually about 3 hours! Daddy got a nice long nap or got some computer time. I can't say that I'm completely innocent, but truly it started with Dad.

So here we are...Jason isn't talking to me for whatever reason. And our kid's sleeping patterns are all messed up!!

Yippee for the weekend!!!

Mommy needs a break for crabby Daddy and needy Kenzy! When that happens she's be 18 and he'll finally have learned....or so I can only hope!