Prozac Mommy

Potty Mouth

2007-11-12T16:51:00.000-06:00

Okay, I am the first to admit that I can have a potty mouth. Since MacKenzy came along I've worked very hard to clean up my act. When either Jason or I mess up the other is sure to correct the other! When friends or family mess up we're sure to correct them with burning holes into their flesh with our laser eyes.

We have been very fortunate that MacKenzy hasn't picked up anything; that is until recently. First I must explain that my youngest brother, Matt, gave me my first lesson in child vulgarities when I was 17. In the small town grocery store, with no warning, he screamed A-S-S-H-O-L-E at the top of his lungs. Both my mother and I experienced the slow motion dash to the cart to cover his mouth. I think this particular moment in time has made me want to be extremely careful...I do not want to be half as embarrassed as my mother was!

So last week we were all packed in the truck driving somewhere or another. Jason was frustrated with me, as usual, and mid conversation said, "Damn it, Amy!" As soon as he said it the look of terror must have come across my face because his eyes doubled in size...whoops, kid-in-car! Immediately we hear, "Daddy! Why Mommy damn it?" Jason and I looked at each other with a look of "What do we do now?" I answered, "Oh, Daddy is being naughty and saying bad words." Luckily she left it at that.

Yesterday Jason's aunt Penny watched MacKenzy for a few hours. When I went to pick MacKenzy up Penny had a story to tell. Apparently MacKenzy was looking at a book and having trouble turning a page because they were sticking to each other. In MacKenzy's frustration she mumbled, "Damn it." Penny immediately reacted and said, "MacKenzy?" The look of "Oh Shit! I'm in trouble" came across MacKenzy's face. Penny calmly said, "Those are not nice words to say. Let's try and not say that again, okay?" MacKenzy agreed and went on with what she was doing.

I am happy to say that she's made it this long! Sad, but true! She could say A LOT worse things than 'Damn It,' so right now it's simply just funny

Who Is In Charge? YOU!

2007-10-02T16:19:00.000-05:00

MacKenzy you are 3 years and 4½ months old…and Holy Crap you wear me out! You turn left when I’m going right and you have already figured me out! You’re prepared my answers to your questions with rebuttals! You have already learned to negotiate!

Over the last few weeks I’ve had the misfortune of experiencing what I put my mother through; whining, crying, pouting, and back-talking. According to you, YOU are the boss, YOU are the mommy, YOU don’t want dinner, YOU want snacks, YOU want the dog away from you, YOU want mommy to do it, no, YOU want daddy to do it. I can’t keep up!!!

The other night your daddy and I got a good laugh, at your expense. You were in one of your whiny moments….more like hours…and I told you it was time to get your pajamas on. I asked you nicely if you would go “potty” so we could get ready for bed and you burst into tears. You were a sobbing mess! You went into your bathroom where you continued to sob uncontrollably. I walked into the bathroom and you starting crying about how you wanted “a Dora one!” You were sitting on the Diego potty seat that you never use when you decided that it was too much to sit on Diego, you wanted Dora! I calmly attempted to explain to you that YOU picked out the Diego seat and that we weren’t going to the store to get a Dora one. You cried harder.

After the snot had been smeared across your face and the tears had soaked through your little shirt, I did what parents do…but aren’t supposed to do…and told you we would go buy a Dora seat in the morning. “No!! I want the Dora seat now!!! Not tomorrow, nowwwww!,” you cried. I pointed out the window and said, “Look! It’s dark outside. The stores are closed. We have to wait until the morning.” And all of the sudden the tears stopped and you looked me straight in the eyes and said, “We go to Target tomorrow, right?” I had to hold back from laughing, but I agreed. The next day you completely forgot all about it…. Moment of insanity??

On Sunday night, you up and decided that it was time to go get French Fries; you’re favorite food group. I guess I’ve told you a few times “Mommy doesn’t have any money,” because you pulled your piggy bank into the living room and started going through it. When you had fished out a dollar you handed it to me and said, “I want French Fries. Let’s walk!” You ran and grabbed your shoes and looked at me like I should be just as excited as you. I was giggling (inside)! I threw on my shoes and there we went…down the street to McDonald’s. I’m sure your great-grandma will love to hear that the money I’m supposed to be stashing in the bank for your education is going to McDonald’s!

Yesterday you stayed home from daycare with your dad and apparently it was a long day. You have this thing about eating. It’s not that you don’t eat, just simply that you’re on the SNACK diet. YOU wanted “chippies” for breakfast, you settled for a Pop-Tart (not much better). YOU wanted Goldfish crackers 5 minutes later and your dad suggested an apple. Normally the thought of an apple would have you doing back-flips over the couch, but you wanted nothing to do with it and proceeded to fight him for 45-minutes. After you did your time in lock-up (aka your bedroom) you were ready to say sorry…only to ask and get turned down for cookies 2-mintues later. This was the routine ALL day. My rough day at work was so worth it!!!

Though these moments put mommy and daddy into sweating fits, nonetheless we both silently wish there was a video camera taping every moment. Not only for damaging evidence to use against you when you're older, but as a constant reminder of how damn cute you are even when we want to scream SHUUUUUUUTTTT UUUPPPPPP!

Juvenile, but loads of fun!

2007-09-05T12:10:00.000-05:00

Several months ago I interviewed for a position at the fire department where my husband works. Now I knew going into it that being who I am could be a good thing or a bad thing, but I felt that I was more than qualified and could be an asset. I have also been working UNPAID at the department for 4 years with the Explorer program that my husband and I started. The words sung from the powers that be have always been, 'Put in your time here and we'll hire you.'

The other complicated item about the position would have been working directly under my best friend's husband. He and I are very good friends, I actually met her through him, but he has a severe superiority complex at work. He and I sat down before I applied and discussed me applying. He admitted that we have a open relationship where I can tell him 'like it is' and not fear a backlash. He can also expect that I would go out of my way to make that department look good.

Another friend of mine used to be in this position so I had heard the nightmares from both her, my husband, and everyone else in the department. It was no lie that I knew what I was getting into, but I really wanted the position.

I interviewed for the position in May. Since I know everyone on the department, I obviously interviewed with someone I knew quite well (two people actually). I felt that the interview went extrememly well. After a few weeks of not hearing anything I checked in to see where they were at.... Long story short, I didn't get a 2nd interview and therefore didn't get the position.

I'm a grown adult and can take defeat; if someone was more qualified than me so be it. That wasn't the case. The blonde bimbo got the job with NO experience! No medical background, only 6 months administrative experience, and no concept of the fire service! I was P-I-S-S-E-D!

Normally I wouldn't have done a thing, but since I knew enough about the "piece of ass" they hired, and have a good enough relationship with the boss- I called him. The first words out of my mouth were, "I'm insulted!" Instantly he got on the defensive and I laid it all out for him. I said that it would have been one thing if they had hired someone remotely qualified for the position, but to hire someone that knows NOTHING is a complete slap in the face. He had no idea (duh) that her previous supervisor was celebrating that she was leaving, and no idea that one of the interviewers knew her personally- as in he was chasing her around though they are both married, if you know what I mean.

In the end I said, "In your case, I hope she works out...but otherwise I hope she crashes and burns." He thanked me for the insight and asked that I apply for the Education position opening up in the Fall. I said, "I have too much pride to do that....plus, I'll be homeless by that time!"

Day 3 in the PoA's she called my friend (that previously had the job) bawling and freaked out because she didn't know how to do the things they were asking her to do. She asked if my friend would come over and show her how to...get this....use EXCEL. Too funny! God, if you don't know get a book or something! Figure it out!

Back to the LONG STORY SHORT thing...

Jason called me a few hours ago saying, "I have great news for you honey! Guess who put in their two week notice?" Yup, she didn't even make it 3 months!!! You can only pretend you know what you're doing for so long, I guess. Jason said that all of the officers were super pissed off and that they even tried to get her to take a Leave of Absence...I'm sure so it looks like it's all her, not them!

To say I'm laughing is a huge understatement! I would love to be there rubbing it in right now! Jason joked that if they came and asked me to take the position I could ask for triple the money... I think it would take a lot more than that!!!

So it may be a little juvenile, but I'll be happy to accept that and do my "I Told You So" dance!

Long Night

2007-08-28T12:56:00.000-05:00

I had a really long night last night, and I'm just really down in the dumps right now- I need a barrel of monkeys to come rolling through here or something.

At 2am I got a text from my sister, Marki...I was up because I was on an ambulance call. Around 2:30am is when I noticed the text. It read: "I need to talk to you asap." I immediately text her back: "What do you need?" I waited and waited for a response, but nothing. I would have called her but didn't know how urgent the message really was and being that it was 2:30am I didn't want to wake anyone. I laid in bed for hours going through every possible scenario in my head. In the middle of the night, I could only assume it wasn't anything good.

This morning on my way into work Marki text me back: "My mom tried to kill herself last night." My heart sank and just thought of all the crap Marki has had to go through, and now this. I was, and still am, torn on my feelings towards her mom. I hate that she has put her children in this position, but I also feel sorry for her and wish there was something I could do to make things better. I can only assume based on stories Marki has told me recently why her mom would do this....and it’s really really sad.

After awhile I asked what had happened and the story made me feel even worse....Children need to be protected from their parent's stupidity! Her mom had gone to her old house (that's on the market for sale b/c she lives with her boyfriend) and sat in her running car in the closed garage. I don't know what led them to her (they don't live with her), but Marki and her little sister (15) Mandi found her. I don't know what state she was in when they found her, but good enough that she's still alive. She was transported to a larger hospital for a 72-hour hold and for CO2 poisoning.

Meanwhile, Marki being the oldest of her siblings has taken on her motherly role again to protect the younger kids. Last we spoke she was talking to her dad about what to tell them.

I'm numb. Marki and I are still building a relationship so it's not like I can do the sisterly thing and show up on her door step to give her the hugs she so dearly needs. I have the sisterly, if not motherly, instincts to want to protect her from all of this, but I'm in an odd position. I'm her sister....but in a step-sister kind of way. Related by accident and really don't know all that much about each other (though we're working on that).

In a twisted way I am also incredibly happy that I am important enough in her life that she felt it necessary to notify me right away...that says a lot and I'm proud of that.

So with that...I'm down in the dumps today. I’m not wanting to be here, but with Marki. Though you don't know her, please keep her in your thoughts and prayers. Thank you.

**Amy**

Love is… being able to confide in someone that everything isn’t okay, and trusting that they will listen.

Monday

2007-08-20T12:37:00.000-05:00

I am completely exhausted today. It rained all weekend (fancy how it finally rains once all of the crops and lawns have died off) therefore made it a lazy one. We were supposed to have a block party on Saturday- canceled, and on Sunday we had planned on going to Game Fair.

One would think we'd be smart enough not to drag a 3 year old girl to an event, in the rain (drizzle), where the most kid friendly aspect are the hundreds of puppies for sale. This event is an expo of everything you can imagine related to hunting. I went to see the dog competitions. They are so fun to watch! Oh! Did I mention we brought Ozzy with too? Talk about asking for it!!!!

At first MacKenzy was great! She wanted to pet every dog in sight and was really interested in everything around her. Then we started on a downward spirl... She wanted to be up close for the dog competitions, which meant she was standing (with her umbrella) about 5 ft behind the dogs. I would try and go after her and she'd just get closer and closer. Finally, Jason had me hang on to Ozzy and he surprised her from the other side. This was officially the start of the tears.

Afterwards we went to see the new Cabela's in Rogers, MN. MacKenzy loves going to Cabela's because they have all sorts of animals (stuffed) on display; elephants, a polar bear, lions, prairie dogs...you name it. She was absolutely wonderful in there...go figure.

By the time we got home my wet jeans had managed to dry from the knee down....and my pull-over windbreaker finally stopped sticking to my chest. The rain took everything out of me.

This AM Jason said that I was snorring like an old man last night. "It wasn't like your tonsils were rattling, it was a full-fledge 'I'm tired' snore."

Mental Stability

2007-08-14T12:18:00.000-05:00

Sunday was a dark day. A week ago last Friday I ran out of my anxiety meds. Never making my way to the pharmacy I figured I’d just wait and fill it Monday; I am on other meds that I had figured would hold me over. It did until…

I filled the prescription last Monday. When I got home I had intended on taking the medication and then placing the bottle in my bathroom next too all of my other “loopy” drugs. That didn’t happen…

I set the bag down and it disappeared into thin air! I looked everywhere and never found the bag. I was feeling okay so I didn’t stress out about it- funny, can’t find my anxiety medication….don’t stress out about it. Hmmm.

On Saturday I could feel the cloud looming, but I put my best face forward. Fortunately Jason knew I was overtired so he was great about keeping Kzy occupied. Then Sunday morning awakens with beautiful blue skies and “dry” heat!! Absolutely one of the most beautiful days, but there I am like a cartoon with the little rain cloud above my head. It was amazing outside and I was as dark as the midnight sky.

I am very careful to monitor my own behavior when it comes to Kzy. It is my life’s goal not to parent like my own mother; by yelling. When I’m having a dark day I have to especially take notice. I’m sure that I’m short with her, but in my head I am replaying a soundtrack, “Don’t do it. It’s not her, it’s you. Don’t yell” all awhile I can see my mom’s screaming face. If and/or when I do scream at her I feel absolutely terrible. Afterwards I feel like I’ve taken 10 steps backwards in being the type of parent I want to be.

On dark days it’s almost as if I can feel my blood boiling. The tension in my body is so intense that feel as if every muscle in my body gripping on for dear life. I am aware of each breath I take and each thought that plays in my head, and everything around me that pisses me off! My chest is heavy and I’m jittery as all hell. I can’t sit still, let alone in one spot for any amount of time.

Normally on a bad day I would pop a few extra pills (the Dr. said that it’s okay) and take a short nap. Yesterday Jason was on shift so it was just Kzy and I home for the day, which means NO BREAKS! Though it pains me to do it, I turned on Sponge Bob Sqaurepants and crawled back into bed…actually into Kzy’s new bed. Every half-hour she’d come looking for me to start a new DVR recording and then I’d return to the protection of my blanket and pillow. At 2:00pm it was time for her nap…so I drug her into bed with me and we slept until just after 4pm.

I felt mildly better, but since I had errands to run we had to get up. Just as we were leaving I found the pills! It was my pot of gold at the end of the rainbow! I felt better by simply knowing I’d feel better today.

There are people out there that think anti-depressants are a horrible thing. They simply need to live in my shoes on one of these days and they will not only better understand, but they’ll want some pills for themselves.

I’d take my anxiety/depression issues over delusional or schizophrenia. This past weekend I was working ambulance when we had a routine transport from our small town hospital to another, larger, area hospital with a psyche ward. Before meeting the patient we were told it was a 30-year old delusional male. I still have yet to associate myself as someone who is 30, so I didn’t even imagine that the person would be someone like me. When I walked into the room I was amazed that my mouth didn’t hit the floor. The guy lying in the hospital bed was none other than a kid I was friends with in elementary school.

Due to HIPPA I can’t say his name or anything that would identify him, and I would never do such a thing. He didn’t have a clue who I was until I told him my maiden name and said the name of our elementary school. (It was a small town school so everyone knew each other.) Seeing him brought back so many childhood memories it was nice to relive them for awhile. It was also really sad to see someone that was once so full of life, so incredibly messed up.

On late night transfers often times we’re all pretty quite, but not that night. Any time it was really quite for more than a minute or two, the patient’s eyes would get really big and he’d look around like he didn’t know where he was. If I kept him engaged he was relatively normal. It was a real test to come up with an hour worth of questions!!

He said he was brought into the hospital because he called the CDC (Center for Disease Control) and told them he had Meningitis. When they asked him how he knew he had it, he didn’t have a reasonable explanation. He just knew he had it and if they didn’t come and get him he was going to die and spread the disease. When the police got to his house he was standing in his yard screaming at the top of his lungs about the world’s injustices. He also swore that his colon had burst and it was only a matter of seconds before he would die.

What was interesting about it all was that in the back of our ambulance he had enough sense to know what he did and that it was completely absurd. He laughed and laughed.

The sad part about it all, he has two kids at home. His wife seemed pretty solid and loving, but nonetheless the kids have to deal with the fact that their Dad is in a Psych-Ward for 3 days.

So with all of that…I’m okay with having to take pills each day. A couple seconds out of each day allow me to be who I am and stay that way!!!

Chewy

2007-07-24T12:39:00.000-05:00

Right now I'm sitting at my desk (yes, my desk! I got a job!) trying to eat the chewiest bread stick in my life! They are left over from yesterday, and I'm too lazy to go get something else...though leaving the office for awhile would break up the day.

So yes, I'm working and really enjoying myself...using my brain again. I took the "other" job, not the hospital position. Though I was sad about having to turn them down, this job has some incredible potential. I'm working for another builder. Some would think that that is a bad idea, with the market and all, but this company has actually stayed pretty steady during the downward spiral we call a real estate market. It's a corporation rather than a Mom & Pop organization, which is what I worked for prior to being laid off.

I've managed to take a gigantic leap up the corporate ladder which is incredibly unexpected considering I went through a temp agency! I was the only person interviewed for the position that had any kind of construction background, and that was the winner right there.

What I'm doing now actually is nothing like what I have experience in, but since I understand how the construction world runs I'm grasping everything faster than I thought I would. In my current position I am one of two Operations Administrators. What the hell is that? My question exactly!!! Myself and another girl, that has been doing the job for almost 4 yrs., are the go-between the guys in the field and the office. We pull the plans, surveys, and permits and get them out to the guys. We are also in charge of monitoring the stages of the building process- dig dates, frame dates, etc. This is where I definitely have a lot of learning to do! Lastly we work with the division President in advising him on the status of projects or communities. I don't think I've ever been in a position where I can make "recommendations" to the President (of anything) that dates should be pushed and/or about someone's job performance.

Home life is getting easier because we can see the light at the end of the tunnel. We're hurting pretty bad since I wasn't working for so long, but being that I'm getting paid much better in this position than in my last it shouldn't take too long for us to get caught up.

I have been meaning to post pictures but seriously I haven't had the time! When I do have the time MacKenzy wants to sit on my lap and play "Elmo" on the Sesame Street website. Ugh. I've been taking pictures like crazy, but even so much as getting them downloaded seems to be quite a task.

Well, I hope to get back to updating more often. I miss writing. I know my life doesn't interest anyone really, but writing about it puts things into perspective.

It's been awhile

2007-07-14T23:43:00.000-05:00

Life has been a complete whirlwind the last few months, so now that I see the light at the end of the tunnel...here's whats been happening.On April 27th I was laid off, hence the whirlwind. Prior to getting laid off I had already been applying for other positions knowing that a lay off was possible...boy did I hit that nail on the head! It is now July 14th and the light has started to shine. THANK YOU GOD!

There isn't exactly a shortage of jobs to apply for "out there," but there are a lot of people applying for them! One of the first positions I applied for was for the City of Prior Lake. A simple position brought in almost 80 applications for ONE position! For my own self-esteem I won't list the novel of applications I've submited.

In April, prior to the lay off, I applied for a position at an area hospital. It was a position that I desperately wanted but refused to get my hopes up. Several weeks later...um, mid-June, I finally got an interview! A few weeks after that I got a phone message stating that they had in fact filled the position, but really wanted to have me on their team "so please continue to apply." Apparently an internal candidate applied at the last minute, and since it's a union position they are required to hire within first. I was bummed, but it was nice to hear that they actually did want to hire me!

Then last Monday I got another call...they offered me the position! I didn't ask questions I was too damn excited. The position is a 2nd shift (2p-11p) and that's where the red flags went up...there is no way we could work our schedules around that! I talked it over with Jason and he knew how bad I wanted it, but also kept reality in check. I asked to speak to someone in regards to how the position was scheduled out, and finally received her call on Thursday.

Meanwhile, on Wednesday I spoke to the people at one of the temp agencies that was trying to line me up with a permanent full-time position. I explained that I had my dream job offer on the table with some scheduling issues. I explained that I was still interested in the position they had been working on for me, but needed to get the ball rolling! I didn't want to tell the hospital NO and then have the other position fall through as well!!! On Friday I had a 10am first interview that went really well...so well that I was called back to come in for a 2nd interview at 2pm the same day! The President of the company wanted to interview me but would be out of town on a business trip after Friday. I ended up meeting with him and the CFO of the company. They knew I had another offer and things needed to happen quickly. They asked if I could hold the others off until Monday morning, and said they could let me know Monday morning. If I'm not offered the position I will be completely lost for words. Monday will be the big day...I will be telling someone Yes...just hope that it's the one that will work best for everyone.

Cross your fingers for me....

Since my last entry we've done quite a bit. MacKenzy's third birthday party, my 30th birthday, a couple trips to the beach, the zoo, and boating on the lake. I'm the psuedo "SAHM". I would get up early each morning to apply for jobs like crazy on the web, and then after lunch I would take MacKenzy out to various places. She still goes to daycare on occassion, she needs that interaction with the other children...and the structure that she's used to. Ozzy got to go to the dog park a few times...so we've bonded a bit. But most of all my face was in front of a computer screen doing everything I could to find a damn job!

This next week I will post pictures from things we've done...but right now it's late and I need to go to bed!Hope all of you are having a nice summer...and for those of you in MN, try and keep cool this week!! It's going to be a rough one!

Absent Minded

2007-05-30T19:02:00.001-05:00

I haven't been able to post for awhile; I've been busy finding a job! I was laid off at the end of April and since have been living to find a living! My husband was already working extra shifts to make "extra" cash, but now the "extra" is far removed from reality.

Jason took my lay-off much better than I had anticipated. He's not crazy happy about it, but my fears of him freaking out were diminished when he said, "Well, it's not like it was all that unexpected." The company I worked for was owned by a MN based construction company. The real estate market is incredibly slow (understatement) so they're being forced to weed out people...keep family, get rid of everyone else.

I had already been applying for jobs, so it wasn't as if I had to dust off my resume. The problem with the job market isn't that there's a lack of great jobs, it's that there are MANY people just like me applying for the positions! I applied for a Police Admin job and 168 people applied for the ONE job! I had an inside pull, so I made it to the second round but in the end I didn't even get an interview. I'm dealing with each defeat well because I'm refusing to get my hopes up on any of the positions. I need a job NOW but getting my hopes up is only going to make my stress level worse!

I have an interview tomorrow for a healthcare insurance company. It's a basic Customer Service position, but a friend of mine works there and has had nothing but positive things to say about it. We'll see...

I also have an interview at the fire department my husband works for...yikes. I really really want the position. I know that I'm more than qualified for it, and quite possibly the MOST qualified for it....but then there's the fact that MY boss would be my best-friend's husband. He and I sat down in April and discussed the possibility and he's really on the fence. I know he's an incredible pain to work for but I really do think I can work through that with him. He and I have a open relationship...that may not sound right, but what I'm trying to say is that I have always been able to tell him 'like it is.' When he's being an ass, I tell him he's being an ass. I don't mix words with him. I've known him for almost 7-years now (I knew him before I knew his wife), and think there really isn't anything we can't work through. I can compromise and deal with things...otherwise known as 'biting my tongue,' and he will adjust to the fact that he can't get away with treating me (his assistant) like shit...like he does to everyone else in that place.

We'll see...I refuse to get my hopes up, but I am not going to dance around the fact that this job would change A LOT for my family.

Since I last posted MacKenzy turned 3! We had a great time and I'll post pictures soon.
We have also cracked the whip (figuratively) on the potty-training issue. There's no turning back, and its full steam ahead...and the future is looking bright!

Always Kiss Me Goodnight

2007-04-18T13:14:00.000-05:00

To My Baby-Girl (oh, sorry My Big Girl),

As your Mommy I am constantly reminded how fortunate I am to have such a wonderful and healthy child. Yes, your nose runs a nasty green constantly, but boogie kisses wouldn’t be the same without it!

I think God graced me with a horrible pregnancy to balance out the good fortune of having such an amazing child. I’d have a million (okay, one or maybe two) more pain staking pregnancies if I’d be assured another act of perfection. That’s you…perfect.

Last night I had yet another one of those moments. I was on the ambulance last night and it wasn’t a good night. First, as I left you started to cry and begged me not to go. My first thought was to bolt and let your Daddy deal with it, but my very next thought was that I’d better give you a huge kiss and hug. God has a strange way of reminding people that just because you think you’ll be coming back; there are other forces out there that might not make that happen. In this line of work, it happens all too often.

Up until last night I had never been on a call that involved injured children. I knew this day would come, but there isn’t a way to prepare for it. It just has to happen and you have to move on.

It’s easy to say ‘move on’ but to actually do it is an entirely different story. The accident was bad, and a little girl might not make it. There were a lot of factors leading to the accident, but had she been wearing her seatbelt she would be home with her parents today. Right now you quote ‘Dora the Explorer’ and say “Seat Belts! Because they keep us safe!” I hope you remember that always because they really do keep you safe, and they can save your life.

While I was helping the little girl’s older brother, my partners did everything they could to help the little girl. On the scene of the accident there isn't any time for emotions, it’s about fixing what’s broken…or getting the person to someone that can better help them. Not until the reports are written and we’re sitting down away from everything do you get a chance to take it all in.

If that little girl doesn’t make it…her Mommy and Daddy will lose their baby girl, her grandma will know that she was coming to see her when she was hurt, her older brother will always remember that he was driving, her friends in the 2nd grade will learn what it’s like to lose a friend, everyone in her family will miss her more than words can say.

When I got home from the call I had to move you from Mommy and Daddy’s bed to your own (well, the floor of your bedroom because you prefer it over your bed). As I approached I had to stop and stare at you. Your mouth hanging wide open, your hair in every-which direction, and your rosy little cheeks…all the things that tell me your sleeping peacefully. I lay down next to you and just wrapped my arms around your still body, and hugged you. A sigh of relief came over my body as I knew that I was so very lucky to have you in my life…a beautiful….brilliant…silly girl that makes me smile uncontrollably.

Your 3rd birthday is in exactly a month, and there isn’t a doubt in the world that the last three years have been both life altering and divine. You have made me a better person, and you have inspired me to live my life in a way that can inspire other people.

Just this morning we were discussing your birthday. I said that you were going to be 3 and you replied, “No. Two THEN three!” I tried to explain that you are two now, but on your birthday you’ll be three. You made me laugh by saying, “No! I don’t wanna be three, I’m two!” Smart girl.

I love you.

Mama

Meeting My Sister...

2007-04-06T13:09:00.000-05:00

Last night went VERY well. Prior to getting there I was a nervous, but not for meeting Marki but for seeing her mom, Tami. I had NO reason to be nervous what-so-ever! Tami was great and we basically picked up where we left off 16+ years ago.

MacKenzy took all of a minute to warm up to Marki. I brought a mini-Easter basket full of goodies for MacKenzy to give to Marki....so naturally MacKenzy was pretty willing to share the treats! The place that we had dinner has a neat nature preserve right behind the restaurant. MacKenzy was glued to the windows most of the evening. Tons of birds eating, but she was distressed that the birds weren't talking to her or answering her....too many cartoons with talking animals I suppose. Just before we left the waitress came running out the bar, swept MacKenzy up in her arms and ran off.....odd. Well, there were two fawns eating about 3 feet from the window in the bar area. When MacKenzy came back she asked to go see them again, so Marki and I followed her into the bar...and it was really cool. MacKenzy's kept saying, "That's Bambi's Mommy!!"
Marki brought along pictures of her when she was younger, and I had originally brought some too but in my rush to get out the door I forgot them on the steps at home. It was really nice to put the pieces together of her childhood...and I'm sure there will be more of that in years to come.

Well, I wanted to take pictures but it was a bit awkward to say, "Hey, smile I want your picture!" As you can see from the photos attached I had Marki and MacKenzy pose together and then I jumped in for a few. I see lots of similarities in our appearance, but more so when I was younger. We have the same damn forehead, now I know for sure which side of the family to blame. Our face shapes are different, and she has the most amazing smile....and never had braces! Damn her!

All in all, it was a very nice evening. We could have sat and talked forever...and being she didn't have school today I'm sure they could have too. MacKenzy was on a sugar high from all of the candy...so I'm sure she would have been too...but good things have to come to an end.
Now that the initial meeting is out of the way...we can take it where ever it may lead. When we got home MacKenzy was going bonkers on her sugar high. Normally she would have fallen asleep in the car, but she was wide awake all the way home. She told Jason all about Bambi’s mommy and eating candy with Marki. She said, “We can go there again!”

Meeting Postponed

2007-04-02T14:51:00.000-05:00

I was to have finally met my little sister this weekend, and it didn’t work out as planned. Both of us disappointed, but we weren’t in control of the situation. When Marki finally told her mom that we had been talking online her mom was extremely surprised but didn’t shoot down any request to meet me. Even though Marki and her mom have a sour relationship, she asked her mom to join her in meeting me. Her mother obliged and I was to give her mom a call to set it up.

Marki gave me her number and I called immediately, but got her voicemail. I basically said, “Hi Tami, this is Amy. Marki asked that I call you to set things up, please call me when you get this.” Hours later I called again, no answer. Everyday last week I left her at least one message with no response. As Friday night drew near my hope for meeting on Saturday were diminished.

I got back from an ambulance call around 11:20pm Friday night when I noticed that my caller ID showed that Tami had called…just a few minutes before. ‘Who calls at 11:15pm unless they only want to talk to my voicemail,’ I thought to myself. Not to let it just go, I decided to text Tami. I didn’t want to call b/c everyone was sleeping in my house, so I simply wrote, “Hi Tami. Hoping we can still meet up tomorrow.” I went to bed after sending the message, but when I woke up the next day I had a reply. “Hey Amy. I’m sorry but Meg has a dance competition tomorrow. We need to talk.” My heart sank, What is there to say? I’m here, and I’m not going away…and your daughter wants to meet me! I sent my last text, “Please call me today.”

Well, I didn’t hear from her just as I imagined. Yesterday was Jason’s 33rd birthday, and I tried to concentrate on that. First thing this morning I opened my email to find a message from Marki apologizing for her mom. I explained that she should never apologize for your parents, and though I was disappointed I understood why her mom was avoiding me. Just as I was in the midst of replying Tami called my cell. I looked at the number in disbelief but quickly picked it up before it went into my voicemail.

The tiny voice that I remember was on the other end shaking with nerves. She apologized and I told her that I understood and that I knew she was probably a bit freaked out about the whole thing. She agreed that she was, “A bit unexpected.” I assured her that my intentions were completely innocent and that I’ve wanted to know Marki for years. I didn’t know how to explain my timing but that it was more a less a fluke. I said that I understood that she really didn’t know me anymore but that she didn’t have to worry. “Dan is actually really excited too.” She was really quiet, I did most of the talking…weird. I just kept saying how badly I’ve wanted to meet her and how I hoped she’d understand.

She said that we could figure out something this week. She said she needed to call Marki and apologize too. So now I wait…

I finished my email to Marki telling her that her mom had just called me. I asked her to take it easy on her mom, and to know that I would drop anything to make our meeting work out. Oddly tonight is the only night I have something going on…otherwise for once in my life the rest of the week is wide open.

Cross your fingers (and toes, if you can) because I’d really love for this to happen sooner rather than later…

A Weekend to Remember

2007-03-26T16:57:00.000-05:00

Today is all about recovery from my weekend. It’s not that we did a lot, but more that we were constantly going. Friday night was pretty low-key; we simply hung out around the house. We woke up on Saturday morning to what was going to be an incredibly day. The weather was supposed to be in the high 60’s, and being that the highs are normally in the 40’s right now…that’s a heat wave!

Jason, MacKenzy and I went to Como Zoo in St. Paul. Though not the Minnesota Zoo, it’s free and a change of scenery. I hadn’t been to Como Zoo since 1st or 2nd grade so a lot of it was new to me too. The animals weren’t really new; it was my perspective on captivity for the animals. Believe You ME, I’m neither a PETA member nor a “tree hugger!” I am a regular person making an observation.

I have a membership with the Minnesota Zoo and we go a few times a year and never have I felt that the animals were given improper care. Yes it still sucks that a tiger is forced to live in a fenced in area, but at the state zoo they are given tons of space with a lot of attention to proper habitat. The Como Zoo is no where near, in my opinion, an adequate place for most of these animals to be living. Imagine, 3 adult gorillas living in a room no larger than a McDonald’s Playland. I couldn’t help but feel sorry for them. There were two adult buffalo in an area no larger than a typical suburban backyard.

The most disturbing was the giraffes. There were three giraffes in an area no larger than a 2 stall garage. In the warmer months they are outside during the day, but then kept in the smaller area the remainder of the time.

I don’t think I’ll be going back. It’s just too unnerving to see animals like that. I know that in other parts of the world, and even in this country years ago, animals are treated much worse. I just don’t want to be apart of it.

Saturday night I was on shift with the ambulance. We had two very interesting calls that truly tested my compassion abilities, and my smarts. In one patient I got my first Meth patient, and domestic assault…every kid should have to meet a person like that to see what drugs do to people. The woman got her ass kicked by her boyfriend that was coming down off a high, and she was extremely hurt but high so she was incredibly unstable. It really opens your eyes to see something like that first hand.

Going to my first call of the night I got pulled over when I was racing to the ambulance station for a call. One of the city cops pulled me over after I didn't come to a complete stop at a stop sign, and then sped off down the road. Once he got out of his squad I yelled out my window that I was with the ambulance and I was on my way to a call. He APOLOGIZE and said "Drive Safely!" To top it off, yesterday he apologized to Kate (our babysitter who was riding along with her dad) thinking he pulled her over. She told him that it wasn't her but me, and he asked her to apologize to me. he he he

Sunday

Sunday was an out of body experience, to say the least. My older brother Dan and I agreed that we would go together to my grandma’s 92 birthday party. The situation is that we don’t normally socialize with that side of our family. There’s a lot of bad history between us and our biological father, and it’s just been messy. We’re always invited to functions, but never go. Now the one time that we didn’t get an actual invitation to something (my aunt emailed me) we decided to go. Being that our grandmother was turning 92 I had mentioned to Dan that there isn’t much time left and that I wanted to at least go. He decided to come along.

I picked up Dan and we drove to the party together. Walking into the building I joked with Dan that everyone’s mouths were going to hit the floor….and sure enough they did! We walked in and the room went silent. Gasps of “Look Who’s Here!” fell across the room. My aunt that had emailed me about the party walked over and gave us hugs, and meanwhile our biological father realized who just walked in.

Over the last sixteen years I have fear confrontations with my father. He has always been oblivious to why we have nothing to do with him…though to everyone else it’s completely obvious. In the past when he’d approach me I’d find whatever route out of there I could. This day was different. Maybe it was because Dan was with me, or maybe it was because I had MacKenzy with as a human shield (i.e. Conversation piece!). All in all it went completely find and I never once felt like I had to run for the hills. In an odd way, I finally feel like an adult.

As Dan and I walked out of the building I joked, “Do you think we just won the “Most Unexpected to Show Up Award?” He laughed, “No Kidding!”

Afterwards I took Dan home and got a tour of their new house. Love It! The house is 100+ years old and has tons of built-in’s and rooms with the most amazing character. Afterwards we took MacKenzy over to their old place to see their horses. She LOVED them and then didn’t want to leave. I had to practically sit on her to belt her into her car seat. She fell asleep on the way home, but when I took her out of her seat to bring her into the house she asked, “Where’s the horsies?” I answered that they were at Uncle Dan’s house and she replied, “Oh Okay” and then fell back asleep.

I was home all of 20 minutes when the baby-sitter showed up and I was out the door to the Taylor Hicks concert. Kate came to baby-sit and told me about the apology. I had her babysitting because I was going up to Taylor Hicks concert. I was in full uniform because I was working with the medical crew doing standby at the concert. If there had been a call I would have missed the show, but that was a risk I was willing to take (it was a great show!). Well, on my way to the show I was in my own little world trying to figure out something when I looked at my speedometer and I was going 70 in a 55. I immediately started to slow down and wouldn't you know it the County Sheriff came over the hill in front of me. I saw him hit his breaks, so I immediately pulled over and just waited for him. I knew this was payback from the night before. A few seconds later he came back over the hill to find me waiting for him (which I'm sure was a pleasant surprise). As he walked to my window he asked, "And how are you today?"

I simply answered, "Fast" with a sorry look on my face.

"Ahh it happens. Don't worry about it. Are you on your way to work?" he saw that I was in uniform and I’m sure he noticed the fire plates. I said yes (I wasn't going to explain the entire story) and he just said, "Ok. Well have a good day."

"Thank you, and I'm really sorry."

"Don't worry about it, have a good night."

I damn near busted out laughing!!! I immediately got on the phone with Kate (the babysitter) to tell her what happened. I joked that I needed to go buy a lottery ticket...so on the way home I did!

I have to say, it was an incredible show!! Taylor Hicks is certainly fun to watch as he’s dancing around stage. He never stood still! I hadn’t heard his album, but I knew I’d enjoy the show regardless, and I did. He covered a Marvin Gaye song, some Van Morrison, and maybe one more… I would certainly see him again. My friend actually went backstage and met Taylor. She sent me a text during the show that he was incredibly nice and genuine. Another friend of mine was center stage in the second row and she said it was one of the best shows she’s ever been to, “The band was amazing and he was so fun to watch!”

When I got home just after ten, I made an immediate bee-line to the bed! Long day!

Monday

I had to drag myself out of bed this morning. I didn’t sleep very well because I kept thinking…and that’s dangerous. I have medication I’m supposed to take to help me stay asleep, but I can’t take it when I’m home alone with MacKenzy at night. When I take the medication I am out to the world! Someone could jump up and down on my head and I wouldn’t notice a thing. Its great sleep, but scary when you know that you could sleep through just about anything!

What made my day was getting to work and opening up my e-mail. Over the last 6 months I have been corresponding with my little sister that I haven’t seen in almost 17 years. She’s actually my half-sister. Her mom and my biological father had her when I was just a few weeks shy of my 12th birthday. A year later I stopped communication with my father, and therefore lost all touch with her. A few months later, through the grapevine, I heard that her mother got a clue and left my father too. A year or so later I heard that her mother married. Over the years I sent her mom birthday cards for Marki and letters asking to see her. Never once did she reply. My last attempt was the year before I got married. I practically begged to see Marki and have her apart of my life…no response. Not until this past August did I ever get a chance to talk to Marki. She didn’t have a clue that she had an older brother and sister… (to read the back story...click here)

I continually asked Marki to tell her dad about me as I refused to meet up with her until he was aware. As time drug on and she wasn’t telling him, I started to find myself wanting to throw out the rules and meet her. Now I don’t have to!

This morning the first email I read was from her…though I had 60 in my Inbox. She saved the best part for last:

Subject: my super de duper weekend

…ok and here comes the part your gonna absolutely love.... on my way over to kyle’s my sister called and asked if i could drop her off at a friends house so i said i would come get her so on my way into town i was thinking if my day is goin so well why not ask my mom about amy.... so i did it took a twenty min talk about it and she was in shock that i knew so much already but happy that i asked if she would come to with me to meet you.... so i guess what im saying is that i asked my mom and she said that we could meet either down here or halfway its all up to you if your not busy this weekend or the next i would like to have lunch with you and mackenzy please!

Does she even have to ask if I’ll have lunch with her? My reply basically said that I would completely clear my schedule to make it work! I’ve been waiting for years for this moment, nothing is more important! I’m actually really thrilled that her mom will be there too. I want her to see that I only have the purest intentions and quite possible have her realize it was a mistake to keep me from her for all this time. I also think that this could be a healing time for Marki and her mom. Marki has so many reasons to be angry with her mom, and if I can bridge the gap and help them find each other again, it’s my pleasure.

So all the crazy stuff that went on this weekend….the best thing was coming to work on Monday!

Clifford the Big Red Dog

2007-03-23T11:52:00.000-05:00

MacKenzy IS sleeping in her own room (still on the floor) by herself!

We are totally blackmailing her, but it's working so why stop!?! Origianlly I was using her birthday party as a means to get her potty-trained.....but seriously, this is so much better.

Jason is better at it than I am. When she whines that she wants to sleep in "Mommy's bed" Jason will say, "You can, but Noooo Clifford Party. If you want a Clifford Party you have to be a big girl and sleep in your room." She'll try and convince him that one of us should lay with her and "hold" her. He simply tells her that big girls don't need to be held to go to sleep and if she wants a Clifford party she has to sleep by herself in her room, all night.

This weekend she came to our room in the middle of the night and Jason simply said, "No Clifford Party" and she ran back to her room and went back to sleep.

Bark or Roar

2007-03-20T15:38:00.000-05:00

Okay so I need a break. I slept really well last night, but it seems as though I’m still dragging! Before lunch, and now after I am finding myself fighting to keep my eyelids open! I even broke from my “diet” and bought a Snickers and Welch’s Grape soda in hopes the sugar would give me a little boost.

Next to lying down on the floor under my desk, I don’t know what to do! When I force my eyes to stay open, they cross! This royally scratches my hide. I hate being tired! I especially hate it after a good night’s rest!

Yesterday Jason took MacKenzy to the Build-A-Bear Workshop in the Mall of America to use up a gift card from Christmas. When they were finished he had to call me to tell me about what MacKenzy had made. He played the sound it made, which was a lion roar, then asked me what kind of animal I thought she made. Now this is where her genes are holding her back…she created a lion roaring puppy. This is certainly something Jason and I would have done as kids…and well, still today. I praise her obscure train of thought, but how at such a young age has she started so soon!

This morning MacKenzy insisted on bringing her puppy to daycare. When proudly she presented her lion-roaring puppy to her teacher, Ms. Liz gave the same look I was ever so familiar with during my formative years. ‘Ahh, that’s nice...’

Long Lost Obession

2007-03-14T13:25:00.000-05:00

The company receptionist e-mails out inspirational quotes everyday. Most days I simply delete them before opening them. It’s not that I don’t appreciate her effort; it’s just that I have enough emails in my inbox each morning to keep me plenty busy through out the day.

Today’s quote kind of got to me though…why I read it, I don’t know so even that is a little freaky.

The quote:
"Some luck lies in not getting what you thought you wanted but getting what you have, which once you have got it you may be smart enough to see is what you would have wanted had you known." ~Garrison Keillor~

The thing is I had a dream last night that pertains to this quote DEAD ON.

A little back-story:

First I need to explain that I went to a very small high school. Seventh through twelfth grade were all in the same building, which totaled just over 500 students. Why am I saying this? Well, I want to point out that since it was such a small school there was interaction between all of the grades- more so than if you had a middle school or a senior campus.

The summer before I went into 8th grade I went on a church youth-group trip to St. Louis. On that trip I actually got to know people that weren’t in my social network, or grade. One person in particular was a guy named Matt. He was 3 years ahead of me in school so though I knew who he was, I never really had spoken to him prior to the trip. The next summer the group went to Chicago. This was the summer that started my obsession.

Though Matt was going to be a senior and I only a freshman, we had a great time together. The entire week of the trip we were connected at the hip. Now you may think he’s immature for hanging out with such a young girl, but actually it wasn’t like that at all. Matt and I had fun together, and laughed more than anything. We didn’t ever talk about anything specific, but nonetheless we were comfortable with each other.

By the end of the week our friendship became a little more, but really innocently. No need for details, but really it was incredibly innocent. Once we returned back home we basically went back to our separate social worlds. I’d see him time and again around town, we’d wave and smile but that’s about it. I would have liked to try and see where it would go, but I was too chicken to call him.

When the school year started it was the same; we’d see each other now and again and smile or wave. There was an unspoken relationship that went on for the entire year. Once and awhile I’d bump into him in the empty hall during class time. We’d be alone so we would usually go through the basic, “How’s it going?” dialogue. No matter how badly I wanted to say more, I never did.

In the spring Matt graduated. I can still remember him coming up to me to give me his senior picture. I damn near melted into the floor. The writing on the back melted my heart and I still smile when I think about it.

For the next couple summers Matt came home from college and I’d see him around and just as before, we did our smile and wave. I’d see him during the holidays at church, and once in awhile we’d get a few seconds to say hi, but beyond that we had gone our separate ways.

The spring of my senior year, when I had long given up any hope of anything materializing, Matt’s brother approached me. I knew his brother in passing, but never had spoken to him. I can remember the specifics of the moment down to what I was wearing. He came up and made small talk. The entire time I was thinking, “What is he up to?” And then he said it: “I was talking to Matt last night and he asked me about you. He wanted to know how you were doing and where you were going to school next year.” Lost for words I simply pointed to my sweatshirt that had the University of Minnesota logo on it. “Oh, he was hoping you’d come down to XXXXX so he could see you more often.” My heart sank and I damn near passed out right there on the classroom floor. I hadn’t considered that after all these years he’d still be thinking of me. Whoa. I told Matt’s brother to say hi to him for me and that was that.

The crazy thing is I had considered going to the same school as Matt! They had a great graphic arts program and I had intentions of visiting the school earlier that year. My cousin was actually a student there and I was supposed to stay with her during my visit. Long story short, my cousin dropped out and I never took the trip. I ended up picking the U of M not because it was the best place for me to go, but because it would make my parents proud. Dumb, I know.

Over the last 12 years I’ve seen Matt a few times, and we’ve exchanged our smiles but that’s it. I still remember the day when my mom called to tell me the news, “Matt is getting married.” Though I was engaged to my now husband, my heart sank. It wasn’t as if I was sad that he was getting married, but sad to put an end to the decade long un-affair.

Last Easter Matt, his wife, and daughter happened to be at the same church service. The glances were there, but I could tell he was nervous. We’d never seen each other since we’ve married. As we were standing in the lobby after the service all of the courage I never had over all those years rose up and I walked over to Matt. I just wanted to say hi and show that we were both in a great place in life. I said, “Hi Matt” and stuck out my hand to shake his and a look of panic swept across his face, almost as if he had no idea who I was, so I introduced myself “Amy XXX.” He played as if it he was still sketchy on who I was, when his Dad and younger brother chimed in that they knew who I was. Matt’s Dad said that he and I graduated together, while looking at Matt’s wife. Matt interrupted him to say that I was actually a few years younger…hmm, funny you know who I am now! He then introduced me to his wife and his daughter, and I introduced MacKenzy and pointed out Jason standing on the other side of the lobby with my family. It was mildly awkward, but I had the confidence turned on high and just said hi and that it was nice to see him after all these years…blah blah blah. Walking away from him I was thinking “Yea! I’m done with all of that.”

Okay…so back to the quote and my dream. In my dream last night I dreamt that it was my class reunion and we were doing it along with Matt’s class (which would never happen because it’s not like we’re 5 years apart). Anyway… I was married to Jason in my dream but he wasn’t there for some reason. Matt was alone too. Through out the reunion I tried to get closer to him as to strike up a conversation. Finally after the event was coming to a close he approached me and said, “Can I drive you home so we can talk?” That’s the end of the dream. That’s it! Regardless, it got my head spinning!

1. Why is he popping up in my dreams?
2. Where’s my husband…and his wife?
3. Why? why? why? why?

While I was getting ready for work this morning I kept thinking of the dream; wondering what I would really do in that situation. And that’s where this quote fits in.

Had I got what I really wanted for all those years, I wouldn’t have what I love the most right now. If all of the pieces of the puzzle wouldn’t have pieced together the way they did, I wouldn’t have met my husband and I wouldn’t be the mother of my incredible daughter. If all of my what-if’s in life would have actually gone the other way, who’s to say I’d be where I am today? I love my husband, and words can’t describe how I feel about MacKenzy and I wouldn’t trade either of them for second.

What I do wish… that I would have worked up the nerve to explore the possibilities with Matt- not to change the way things are today, but to have that question answered. For all I know I’ve held this flame for him all these years and we are utter opposites that couldn’t stand to be near each other after a month or two? What if he discovered I’m everything he wouldn’t want in a person….there are so many possibilities!

Well, I don’t get a “do over” and I don’t want one. I just wish I could have a premonition or something, to answer the questions. So now here I sit…thinking, which is a dangerous thing!!!

Money Changes People

2007-03-09T15:54:00.000-06:00

I want to post a few emails that have been going between my aunt and I over the last two days. It’s basically the family’s dirty laundry, so why would I want to share it? What I’ve learned (so far) in life is that everyone has dirty laundry, and sometimes it’s nice to know that you’re not the only one!

Before Christmas my uncle John died. John is the eldest of my mom’s side of the family. John never married nor had children. His nieces and nephews were the light of his life. When they started to go through his house the first thing that my mom noticed was that he had a Thank-You card on his coffee table from my youngest brother, Matt. The card was from 3-years ago! Next to the card was the Thank-You from MacKenzy’s birthday part last spring. In his checkbook he carried a picture of MacKenzy.

John lived on disability so it’s not like relatives were coming out of the woodwork to stake their claim. My mom knew he had some investments, but figured it would be used to pay off his debts or bills. No one was sure if John had a will, but a friend of his made mention that he had left everything to my brother Mitchell, as John was his Godfather. From the get-go Mitch made it known that he wouldn’t feel comfortable if that was the case. He would certainly split it up with the other nieces and nephews, even if it was just twenty bucks.

After the funeral I learned that there was not a will and that everything would have to go into probate. In my experience probate can take months to years, so I basically forgot about it.

A few weeks ago one of my cousins emailed me:

‘Amy, What's new?... …Are you working the EMS job and the mortgage job at the same time? I ask because you mother thought it was crazy, why would she say that about u? I spoke to her a couple weeks back after her inheritance was finalized from John. I'm curious, would u split it with her siblings/nieces/nephews? She is and will pay a price for it, I hope it's small, she means a lot to me! Anyway, I guess this makes me sorta of a gossip king but, I'm curious what u think about everything? Do u know how unhappy her siblings are with her choice not to split it up with them? Take Care’

I had no idea what he was talking about and immediately responded with “WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT…I know nothing about any inheritance.”

A few days later we spoke and I learned of the drama surrounding the death of my uncle. I talked to my older brother the next evening and he was just as mystified as I was by it all.

Two days later I decided to write a quick e-mail to my aunt to make sure everyone knew, WE DIDN’T KNOW WHAT WAS GOING ON.

So here goes…the chain of e-mails to illustrate how messed up my background is!!!

*********************

Brenda,

Okay so Dan and I are SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO out of the loop that it's not even funny. I seriously just learned about the crap my mom pulled with John's inheritance on Tuesday. Gee, can you say I'm a little slow in finding out?? To make matters worse, I didn't hear it from my mom but from ******** (though he shall remain nameless as my source!). He emailed me asking what I thought of all the John BS and I replied that I had no idea what he was talking about...we talked on the phone Monday night and WOW!

I am SO ashamed. No child should ever have to say that, but it's true. I don't know who she is anymore. The person that did this is not the person that raised me, and certainly not the type of person I associate with.

Tuesday night I spoke with Dan and he was just as mystified as I was. The first question he had, "Are you going to call her out on it?" DAMN STRAIGHT!

The reason I'm writing to you is to let you know that Dan and I just learned of this...and are bothered by it just as much as the rest of the family seems to be. I don't want anyone to think that Dan or I had anything to do with any of this...we are both ashamed to even be in a position for that to be assumed.

I do plan on confronting my mother. If I were to talk her today, it would be the last time for a very long time. I need to cool off a little...but not too much....and then she'll be getting the worse of me. I do not plan to tell her how I found this all out...b/c THAT isn't important.

Love you all!

Amy

*********************

Dear Amy,

I'm sorry this has happened as well. I'm also sorry that you had to hear this second hand and not from your mother. I guess we assumed you knew. But I truly thought about mailing you and asking you where you fit it now.

The family is quite surprised, to say the least, of her actions. This has created an even greater divide in the family, so the saga continues. Sadly. I truly think John probably set up his policy quite a few years ago. He probably put your mom as a beneficiary trusting her to be righteous and fair. That must have been back when they were on speaking terms. Knowing John has spoke highly of ALL of his nieces & nephews, the rest of the family agreed the right thing to do would be to divide it among them to help pay for their education. However being your mom's name is on the policy it stands as a legal document that it is hers to keep. That is what she has decided to do, and there really is no turning back.

So in the end she has written off her family for about $35,000.
Gee, now she can pay off a car or remodel the house??

Good luck on this Amy.

Whoever said kids can do the darnedest things?... so can parents!

Love Always,
Brenda

*********************
Hi Brenda!

I'm very glad to have heard from you. And I do hope you pass the word on to the rest of the clan that Dan and I are 100% on your side of the fence. In every way we are repulsed by her actions.

Over the last couple years Dan and I have really been talking about confronting her on a lot of issues. There has always been that "not quite right" feeling in our relationships with her...but since her illness they have taken a nose dive. We don't know who she is anymore, and do all that we can to avoid her.

Both Mom and Kent have been very controlling over the years. Kent not so much up front, but he'll rag you once he gets a chance. For instance, both of them have a problem with me being on the volunteer ambulance. My mom got on my case when I joined "You're busy enough! You'll get sick if you push yourself too hard...." Oh Shut UP! I'm an adult and can make an adult decision without commentary! There's been times where I'm talking about working a traffic accident out in the sub-zero weather and Kent will say, "Well maybe you just can't hack it." Nothing good to say! I'm volunteering my time for my community (hmm, doesn't Kent do that?) and in turn I get to use my EMS skills!

Dan and I feel as though mom feels she's owed something. Her life has been so off the charts in difficulty that the world should now treat her like a porcelain doll. She doesn't feel the need to go out of her way, because "she's sick." She doesn't have to call and say, "I'm not coming." She'll wait until you call and put on the groggy voice and say that she isn't feeling well. I GET IT, YOU HAD CANCER BUT THE KEYWORD IS 'HAD'...get over yourself! You're alive, so give life a shot!

A year ago when were moving into our house Mom was to take MacKenzy. Plans were to pick her up at the house at 8am, and then bring her home later the next day. At 9am Jason called me wondering where she was...he had a little bored little girl in an empty house. I called and she answered with her sick voice. She said she wasn't feeling well but would leave right away. At 10:15am I called Jason from the apartment to tell him that the movers were done and on their way. Panic screamed through Jason's voice when he said that my mom still wasn't there and now the movers were on their way! I immediately got on the phone but no one answered. I got to the house just after 11am to find Jason in a tizzy, and MacKenzy running around in a freezing cold house (b/c the doors were all open). I picked up my phone and called her...no answer, hang up and dial again, no answer, hang up dial again......again and again until she answered the phone. I went ballistic on her and all she could say, "Well, I told you I was sick."

Instead of hanging up on her I should have said "What about a phone call at 7am saying that you can't do it? Or maybe at 9am when I called!" She called a few days later like nothing was wrong. When I wasn't perky and she could tell I wasn't all that pleased to be on the phone with her she said, "You're not still mad about me not watching MacKenzy?" She tried minimizing the gravity of the situation! I went on a tangent, "You'd freak out if I didn't call to say I was running late for lunch... You did NOTHING! If this would have been a priority on your list, you would have called."

"Well, Amy...I was sick."
"Being sick doesn't exempt you from common courtesy!!!" She ended up hanging up on me because apparently she didn't have anything more to say....and then as usual, a week later she acts like everything is A-Ok!

Sorry for the novel, but I wanted to share that with you b/c it proves that her behavior hasn't been on track for awhile. The "I'm sick" excuse has been worn out for a very long time, but she continues to use it. She's even gone as far as to say that Dan and I weren't there for her when she was sick...which couldn't be further from the truth. Just because we weren't there holding her hand everyday doesn't mean were any less of a supporter.

Dan helped with the boys, while I banked vacation time. I had wanted to take days off to sit down at Mayo with her but she 'asked' for me to wait and use it when she got out of the hospital. I had two weeks off to help her, and unfortunately her discharged got extended at the last minute. I had already taken off the time, so I did what I could. I still was at the house...I cooked meals, cleaned, did laundry, and whatever else I could do to make her transition easier.

So now here we are, years later and she's acting as if we were MIA during the entire thing. Ugh!

Dan has said that he'd back me 150%, so my thoughts are to confront her on this issue and see how she handles it. I'm 99% sure it won't go well, but that will only set the stage for the next step. INTERVENTION. Basically like a drug/alcoholic intervention, but this will be a mental intervention. She needs to get help, and stick to it. She needs to treat people as they deserve to be treated...or sorry, we just I need to step back until you figure it out.

I'll let you know what all happens...
Amy

*********************

Hi Amy,

I will pass the word on to others.

I want them to here me on this family issue as well, so I have cc'd them in.

I and probably many others, share your frustrations on the word "Mother".

I was born to a mother who was not yet diagnosed with bipolar disorder/depression. There has been very many roller coaster rides our immediate family has been on, no thanks to this disorder.

Thank goodness in the 1980's a mood leveling medication was introduced to control the effects of depression, anxiety, panic disorder, bipolar etc. and it's other derivatives.
These conditions are very genetic. I keep this is mind, because I have concluded it is in our genetics on both Tom's and my side of the family. I have watched myself, and my children closely, due to this and have had talks with them on their families medical history. I am no psychologist , but am very much about awareness and openness, because I do not want my family to struggle when there is help, if they need it.

Even though my mother has doctored all of her life there a still quirky things she does that are thoughtless, selfish, and rude. I chose to write my mother off for at least 2 years, through their divorce after 39 years. She at the time was trying an herbal drug and off of the meds prescribed. Not advisable by any psychologist!

We have rekindled our relationship over the past 5 years. Dad has remarried and we are thrilled to see him finally extremely happy to be married to his best friend.
Last Fall I convinced my mom to try a REAL psychologist and quit going back to the family doctor in St. Peter who does NOT specialize in BP and treats her like a lab rat, trying this and that with her meds. No stability in that.
I researched a shrink online and found one for her. She has gone to her quite a few times over the past months. Her meds are stable.
She called just this week excited to have finally gone to a Bi-Polar Group meeting in Mankato, put on by the clinic. She has been going to alanon for years, who constantly talk of drugs and how no one should take them. This has made her feel like she should quit taking her BP meds! So she had, a few times. UGH!
So she is FINALLY understanding that this lack of serotonin disorder is similar to a diabetic not taking insulin. Whew! When you struggle with depression you can cyclically struggle with feeling tired, crabby, and sickly.

I see similarities in your relationship with your mom. Maybe she has acquired through her cancer treatments, or even genetically, with age, depression, which can come on, but like I said I am no doctor. When one struggles with depression they can cyclically struggle with feeling tired, crabby, and sickly. It's easy to bring on the POOR me line.

I don't recommend writing your mom off at this point. I've done it. It's a long haul of awkward, uneasy, frustrating emotions. YES, even worse than how you are feeling about her now. Every holiday, family event, birthday, etc. it's a dragging question, "Should we invite mom?" Of course you should, because she's your mom and then the guilt ways heavy.
Even with as much frustration she has caused you, I have found that if you can call her on the rug on it immediately, and carry on, it's better for you emotionally. In a month or 4, she'll do something again that bugs you, deal with it with her, and keep on. Family members are loved unconditionally, for the most part.

So I recommend you don't do write her off. Consider the idea that maybe she does have some depressive issues, help her realize it, if she doesn't already. Ask her to share what she is doctoring for. Flat out ask her if she is taking an anti-depressant.
If you truly think she needs more help, you may want to suggest it. If she values her kids’ relationships, she may consider it.

Clear the air with her on this issue of John's and carry on the best you & Dan both can.

Keeping my distance seems to work for me. So I also understand the avoidance you feel necessary. It seems the less information my mom knows about myself or the family, the less stories she can assume about us. She still does this.

Go about your good deeds girl. Do what you love!

Take Care,
Brenda

*********************

Brenda,

I know for a fact that she's been on anti-depressants over the years, and I'm pretty sure she's taking them. I think she needs a drug consult! Over the years you have to switch it up...higher dosage or new drug.

I started taking anti-depressants in 2000 after having a melt down at work contemplating my boss coming to work. For weeks I had to sleep sitting up because my chest was so tight, I couldn't talk straight (mumbled), my thoughts were two conversations ahead of me, eating made me feel sick, and breathing was a chore. I had hit a bottom and didn't realize it. Then one day I had the breakdown in the office and it was like a light turned on in my head, "This isn't right." I went to my Dr the same day. After I told her what was all going on she grabbed an Anxiety pamphlet and read it...word for word it was me. It took awhile, but I started feeling a lot better within a month or so. Over the years I had to change up my medications when I didn't feel like myself.

This summer I came to the realization that something wasn't right. I was doubling up on my medication and it wasn't helping. I found that I would dread being home alone with MacKenzy, like it was too labor intensive. All I wanted to do was sleep, and my mood swings were monstrous!

I went back to my doctor and she suggested that I go to a Psychiatrist for a medication evaluation. I met with him once and he suggested that I see a therapist on top of working with him. Can I say this? I love my therapist! She is incredible! I always knew I should go talk to someone, but felt that if I admitted that it was a sign of weakness or looking for the "poor Amy." I had always imagined that it would be a cry-fest and I'd be twice as miserable. After my first session with my therapist it was like a new person was born.

My therapist works closely with the Psychiatrist and so far so good.

In therapy I have come to terms with who my mom is and I've decided that she raised me to be a good person, but I have to work every day to be a better person. We've barely cut the surface when it comes to my Mom but I have defined her in one word: Irrational. She has irrational expectations of people and she justifies her own behavior irrationally. Once I came to that realization it was like WAH-LAH! To work at being stronger I distanced myself from her. When she calls and says, "What have you been up to?" my answer is CENSORED! I've also learned that standing up to her doesn't necessarily mean I have to include screaming. Subtle and firm. The first time that I did it I was damn near jumping up and down.

I'm not perfect either...I've taken myself off my medications before too. Not wise! I'd be fine for about a week (if I was lucky) and then EVERYTHING would start pissing me off. My blood would boil for the most ridiculous reasons. Some time or another the light turned back on and said "TAKE YOUR MEDS YOU IDIOT!" After a day or two I'd be back to myself again. I too have justified my medication as a need, not a luxury. If I don’t want to be that dark and miserable person, I have to take my medications. There's nothing wrong with ME as a person, I just need help. And that's ok. I have also got to remember and give myself praise for realizing I needed help, and was strong enough to ask for it. Many people aren't so lucky.

With that said...yes, the Weber's have a strong ripple effect when it comes to depression. I think and hope the fact that Depression (etc.) is no longer something to be ashamed of and is out in the open, the younger generations will do better.

Amy

*********************

…and that’s all I got to say about that.

Regrets

2007-02-28T16:59:00.000-06:00

Today Dooce posed a great question, on the 6th Anniversary of her blog. “Is there anything in my life that I wish I could go back and do differently?”

Hundreds of people posted their comments, and reading each one was actually more gratifying than depressing. The comments were validations of feelings I had once felt (or still do)…and reading it in the words of someone else only proved that I’m not alone!

Below is my response. This was the first thing that came to mind when I read Heather’s question. After reading other’s comments I could have added SO MUCH more to my own (but then it would have been a novel!):

If I could change anything....it would be that I would have come to my senses A LOT sooner about my relationship with my mother. I am 29 years old and just in the last year have come to the realization that my mother is a irrational person, and regardless of what I do she will always have something negative to say.

I needed to have learned that by doing the compete opposite of her expectations doesn't really mean that I'm in control....it just means that NO ONE was in control.

I wish my older brother and I would have sat down long ago and discussed this, rather just opening up about this in in the last 10 months. I would have found out that all these years he felt sorry for me, and wanted so badly to make my mother stop treating me the way she did....but in avoiding the conflict he was keeping his nose clean and not being judged. I would have been far less resentful of him and his freedom!

All in all...had I stood up for myself YEARS ago, I would not be shelling out the $$$ for therapy today.

But thanks to a great therapist, I now feel in control of a messed situation.

So the more I think of that question, the more things that come up. Many of these things I’m still learning to deal with, and some I have learned to accept…but nonetheless they are regrets.

I wish my father was just that, a father.

I wish I would have never lost touch with my little sister and her mom. 17 years later…we’re only starting a relationship.

I wish my stepfather wasn’t such a hard ass, and more of a father figure.

I wish he’d stand up to my mom and get her the help she needs.

I wish my mom would stop all the yelling.

I wish I could save my little brother’s from her.

I wish I would have put some effort into high school- had I, college wouldn’t have been so difficult.

I wish I would have picked a college based on where I wanted to go…not where I was expected to go.

I wish I didn’t care what people thought of me.

I wish I had been more responsible with money, and the feelings of others.

I wish I could control my mouth, think first and then say something nice or nothing at all.

I wish I would have tried living up to my full potential years ago, rather than TRYING TO FIGURE IT ALL OUT NOW.

I wish I would have not refused to pursue a nursing degree to go against my mother’s wishes.

I wish I would have told Andrew I had it bad for him…though I’m sure he knew

I wish I would have met my husband a few years later…I don’t regret meeting him, and if it wasn’t for all the pieces of the puzzle that brought us together, I wouldn’t have my amazing daughter today. I just would have like to have had a little more fun before entering a serious relationship.

I wish I would have not had such high expectations of people…and such low expectations of myself.

I wish I would have realized that Jenny was crying out for help, rather than thinking it would just pass.

I wish that every November 16th I didn’t think “what if.”

I wish Jenny would have failed.

I wish my family would have been more understanding of my incredible depression.

I wish I wouldn’t have let it escalate over the years.

I wish Jason would have kept his mouth shut of July 4th.

I wish his family wasn’t at war with each other over someone’s stupid lie.

I wish Kristi would realize how badly she is hurting her family.

I wish she’d admit that she lied.

I regret having regrets! I could go on forever…..So here's to today!!

Bed or Floor...Hmmm?

2007-02-09T14:55:00.000-06:00

In today’s post by dooce, I have decided that I am completely jealous of her. Not in an adult way either….here I am stomping my feet and throwing things in rage like a 4 year old that wants a cookie.

Her daughter Leta is just over 3 months older than MacKenzy and just transitioned to a toddler bed. Leta never tried climbing out of her crib and didn’t have problems sleeping in it. The toddler bed was her parent’s idea. To top it off, her best is the coolest thing in the world- she sleeps in it!

In my case…my ‘strong willed’ daughter started climbing out of her crib over a year ago. Climbing out of the crib was fun and far from difficult for her. She’s a little daredevil and is physically knocks around like a rambunctious little boy. For the last year we have been battling her sleeping habits….or more truthfully, location.

In the first few weeks…maybe months, she was great about sleeping in her bed as long as Mommy lay with her until she fell asleep. I tried to fight this…I refuse to have a child that can only sleep if I’m there to hold their hand. No Way! But NOT doing it also meant her not staying in her room nor going to bed at a proper time (which is still being established!). She would have me cuddle in with her, but that only lasted for a short period of time because the bed isn’t meant for a mommy!! The metal frame that holds the bed started to resemble the letter “U.”

To make a long story short….she now refuses to sleep in her bed what-so-ever! If she sleeps in her room at all, it’s on the floor. She’ll make herself a little bed and crash on the floor. Even better, half under the bed! She’s gotten better about actually going to bed, but there she is…on the floor. Most often she finds her way into our room around 2AM…not wanting to get out of the warm bed (or actually, completely wake up) one of us will throw her between us. If we actually do what we’re supposed to and put her back into her room, she eventually finds her way back, again. Recently we have started to find her in the morning- inches from my husband’s size 13’s. Yes, she will cuddle up on our floor, usually half under the bed, and we don’t realize it until someone almost steps on her head!

So not only does Heather Armstrong get to stay home with her daughter AND husband, she gets paid to blog! Now this! What’s next? If you say ‘win the lottery’ I’m going off the deep end!?!

Hopes and wishes…in the next couple weeks MacKenzy’s getting a hand-me-down “big girl” bed from her most favorite person in the world, my youngest brother Matt- her ‘Uncle Matty.’ My parents are buying a new bed so Mitch (the older of the two boys) gets their old bed (harsh- Queen-sized Sleep Number Bed!), Matt gets Mitch’s Queen, and Kenzy gets Matt’s twin. This is actually a blessing…since Matt is her favorite, we have something to use! I told my mom that I want to make a big deal out of this…making sure Matt is there to “give” it to her.

Please God, please please please…..let her adore this bed!

Spanish 101

2007-02-06T13:42:00.000-06:00

Last night I had my monthly ambulance meeting and the Spanish issue came up. Our incident the other night has happened repeatedly but no one has taken it upon themselves find a resolve.

I suggested that I make up some laminated cue cards with the basics:

Are you okay? Where do you hurt? Are you allergic to any medications? Do you have any health issues we should be aware of?

Granted we won't understand their responses, however I can then list medications that people are typically allergic to...in Spanish and English.

SOMETHING is better than nothing! Now that's my new project. Luckily a friend of mine from high school is fluent in Spanish so I can ask her for a little help.

Thank You Ms. Finch

2007-02-05T14:11:00.000-06:00

I took a quarter and a half of Spanish in college, but I solely base my Spanish skills on what I learned from Ms. Finch in 9th grade. Ms. Finch was a rather odd older woman that wore the same outfit two-days in a row no matter what. The immaturity of the students often threw her into a rampage of words we couldn’t interpret.

Over the years I’ve done my time in the service industry working along side several Hispanic men and women. Though they all spoke moderate to perfect English, they made sure I learned Spanish. “Mucho Gusto tu Chi-Chi’s”

I’ve never considered my Spanish skills worthy of a conversation nor would it get me anywhere in Mexico. “Donde el bano?” is really all you need isn’t it? Or “Mas Cervesas!”

This past weekend I was on-call for the ambulance both Friday & Saturday night. I was dreading getting a single call because it was extremely cold outside….-20-ish. On Friday night my pager went off just before 7pm, “MVA with injuries, possibly multiple injuries.” The first words out of my mouth, “Ahw Shit!” I knew it….Siberian weather and I have to play outside!

Luckily adrenaline keeps you pretty warm! I had on plenty layers, but it’s not like I can put layers on my hands. I think someone would frown on me having gloves over my rubber gloves!

When we get on scene the first thing the city cop said, “Anyone speak Spanish?” The look of terror swept cross my two partners’ faces. There were two state troopers, two city cops, and the three of us………I was the only person that had an ounce of hope to communicate with the injured.

When I approached the first two men I explained, “Me hablo muy pequino Espanol.” Which actually translates to, “I speak very small Spanish.” Hours later it occurred to me that I should have said, “Me hablo muy pequito Espanol.”

They were all showing signs of being hurt, but it was our job to see which ones needed to be transported, and who should be attended to first. Hmmm… In Dr’s offices and in hospitals they have charts showing a happy face at ONE and a very Sad face at TEN. I didn’t have that picture so I had to figure out a way to say it. Keeping mind that I’m fluent in American Sign Language, I used both skills to get through it, “Como Esta? Uno es muy bueno, cinco es muy mal! (for some reason cinco came out of my mouth rather than diez, but I ran with it)

One guy answered “Muy Mal…Cinco Cinco!” while the other answered “Asi Asi….dos.” I looked back at my partners and said, “this guy is fine, this guy needs a backboard.” The looks on their faces were like “Oh My God Thank You for telling me what to do!”
The third man was the driver and I basically understood that he was okay, but his chest hurt from the airbag. We transported all three (the guy that was fine didn’t exactly have a ride to the hospital) the 4 blocks to the hospital.

Normally once we get to the hospital we’re maybe there 20 minutes…this was not the case Friday night. We had called ahead to tell them that they needed a translator so by the time we got there they had bad news….they couldn’t get a hold of their translator. Grrrreat.

My extremely limited Spanish skills were now needed for the nurses and doctor on staff…can you tell it’s a small town hospital? An hour and a half later a friend of theirs showed up that spoke fluent English, and Spanish…About Time!

An hour and a half after we got to the hospital we were able to leave. The driver and front passenger were in X-ray, and the other guy was waiting for their friend.

On the way back to the station my two partners were laughing and thanking me a million times over. They couldn’t get over that they would have been completely clueless as to what to do!!

My Petition

2007-02-02T13:08:00.000-06:00

I adamantly believe that medical personnel should get a discounted rate on airfare.

On an airplane, hell on a bus!, if you knew there was doctor, a paramedic, or an EMT on your flight? It's just that assurance that if something happen! I know I would! Hell, people in the EMS field laugh, "Who is going to take care of me?" If I had a medical emergency at work who would run to my rescue?

Every year there are thousands of heart-attacks in flight...and God only knows how many other things!

As I've mentioned before, my husband and I work with kids teaching them Fire and Medical skills. They all are immediately CPR/AED certified, and First Responders (which is the same training a police officer has for medical) For some kids it's just a fun thing to be apart of, and some really grow to love the field and want to go to school!
The Captain of the post is a 17 year old senior in high school. Over Christmas he and his mother were flying home when the flight attendant came over the overhead asking for anyone with medical training to come to the back of the plane. This 17 year old kid didn't hesitate, he got up and walked to the back of the plane. The patient was an older woman having a difficult time breathing. He did exactly as he was trained and eventually the woman was able to control her breathing. Afterwards he simply went back to his seat, but not before he was praised by the flight staff and other passengers. This kid is extremely bashful, so I can just about imagine how red his face and ears were!

He did what was trained to do...and for that people were grateful. He doesn't want a medal or even so much as a thank you...he does it because he can. I do it because I can.

Isn't that safety net worth something? If you accept the discount, you accept the fact that you may have to help someone in flight. I'm fine with that! I'm covered under the Good Samaritan Law.

Just My Luck

2007-02-02T12:49:00.000-06:00

First off HAPPY GROUNDHOG Day............normally I couldn't give a damn about the celebration of a rodant, but since he didn't see his shadow I'm willing to jump on the bandwagon...if you don't know, it means we'll have an early spring. If it happens I'll be extrememly pleased...if it doesn't some rodant in PA will be smoked out of his little hole.

Today proved to be a test of my luck...which for all the Irish in the world, I'm the most unlucky. I win those lame prizes that no one wanted anyway, never something I would be proud to show off!

As I was sitting at my desk working the director of Marketing walked into my office. Not an abnormal thing, but the look on her face immediately read "Panic!" I asked her what was wrong and she asked that I come take a look at Kay, the Sales Director. "She's on the floor in a lot of pain. She says it's in her chest!" Not that I wish any ill fate on anyone (well, maybe the person that needs to push through my RAISE!) but I get excited about this stuff! I rushed into the office where Kay was laying on the floor and knowing I am medically trained, a sigh of relief came over Kay's face. I checked her over the best I could, but with chest pain the only advice I can give is: "Get to the hospital." I told her that I felt she needed to go in, especially since nothing this has ever happened before. Kay just wanted to stay on the floor awhile longer, so I suggested that I get my medical bag and take a look at her blood pressure.

HERE'S MY LUCK TURNS SOUTH

I ran outside in the -10 weather, got my bag and was practically skipping back to Kay. Yes, I know....trust me it's an EMS thing. I slapped on the blood pressure cuff and got ready to go...
the gage for the cuff was FROZEN! I couldn't help her one bit! How depressing!

Kay finally agreed to go to the hosipital and she's been there since. Her assistant took her and has since returned. They are running test, but as of yet there's nothing to tell.

Venting

2007-01-30T14:26:00.000-06:00

My email to Erica:

Okay a moment of venting is needed:

I could hear Christine in the back of the office by the copier. She yelled, "Are you printing a package?"

I replied that I was but she must not have heard me because she walked up to the front of the office and asked again. “Are you printing a package?”

“Yes”

“Which one?”

WHAT'S MISSING FROM THIS DISCUSSION?

COMMON FUCKING SENSE!

You're standing at the copier (which is also the printer!) why wouldn't you just look?? I don't get it?
"Gee is there a package printing.....[lifting up print-out]....Oh! It's the Schindler package!"

Now wasn't that easy?

Am I a bitch or what!?! This crap drives me nuts!

Erica’s Response:

Seriously, she must have been dropped on her head or something. I don’t know anyone else who would be so……well, you know what I’m saying!!! DUH

Noise Noise Noise

2007-01-29T14:28:00.001-06:00

Okay, my family isn't all that traditional...I have three brothers. Dan and I are 18 months apart, but when I was four our parents divorced (Thank God!). When I was in 6th grade my mom got remarried. A few days after school let out that year, my biological father and his girlfriend had a baby girl, Marki. A year later my mom and step dad had Mitchell, and then three years later along came Mathew. So...there are 12 years between Marki and I....13 years between Mitch and I, and 16 years between Matt and I. Dan was actually out of the house before Matt was born.

So with that said, as the boys were growing up Dan and I had fun buying gifts for them. Buying toys for boys is WAY more fun than buying for girls! When Matt was 3 I started to date Jason, my husband. From day one Jason was Matt's brother..he said so the first time he met Jason. When it came to birthdays and Christmas Jason and I went out of our way to be destructive or loud toys. My parents countinually told us that payback would be a bitch.

When MacKenzy came along my brothers enlisted in helping my parents shop for such gifts. Up until this past weekend they haven't been successful in driving us nuts...but they have now won.

Over Christmas they were in Mexico and they found the perfect gift, and to top it off MacKenzy thinks its the coolest thing in the world. If you think back to the Karate Kid, Mr. Miagi shows Daniel-son a little hand-held drum that he'd sping between his palms. When the drum would go back and forth little strings with beads on the end would hit the drum. Oh it's that, but even worse! It's a tamporine too! Talk about loud and annoying!

This morning when Jason got home from work she instantly had to show him her new toy, she was so proud. I explained to him where it was from and the look he gave me was basically, 'Ahh Shit!"

A ing Miracle

2007-01-29T13:10:00.000-06:00

From the words of my older brother, "A F-ing Miracle" happened in the month of January.

Not only did my mother take MacKenzy over night ONCE, but TWICE in a matter of two weeks! Unlike most grandmas my mother is too busy or better yet, too self-involved to spend time with her one and only grandchild. Last year we moved within 20 minutes of my parents' house, and we see them less than we did when we lived an hour away.

To make matters worse, each time we visit my mom and step dad, my mom pours on the guilt...lumpy gravy kind of thick! Usually for the first half-hour MacKenzy won't have a thing to do with my mom. She'll play with my two younger brothers or hide her face in the nape of my neck. Once she finally wins her over with something sweet the knife starts making the jabs into my sides, "Your Mommy never brings you to see me!!"

Right after the New Year I hesitantly approached my mom about MacKenzy visiting them for a night so Jason and I could attend my recognition dinner for the ambulance department. She of course had to check her schedule but for once the schedule was in my favor: My youngest brother had a hockey game in the town that we live in...no excuse could fly!! Though she said yes, I was apprehensive until I saw her car pull in my driveway. (She has a history of canceling at the last minute). The next morning Jason and I went to pick her up and the report was great. They had a wonderful time together and MacKenzy was on her best behavior.

While my luck was flowing I approched my mom about possibly taking MacKenzy this past weekend. We had a scheduling conflict where Jason would be on shift while I had to be in class all day. Getting a sitter to watch her all day wasn't fair to MacKenzy nor the sitter! If it was summer, that'd be a different story! I really was desperate though, Jason and I had to be some place with no way around it.

My mom actually agreed to help us out though it would require her to drag MacKenzy along to hockey games. On their way home from a hockey game on Saturday they picked her up, and on their way home from a game Sunday, they dropped her off. When they picked her up I was able to breathe that sigh of relief....can you tell that I don't trust her to show!!??

So the miracle as it be may never be repeated... but it was a nice one at that!

Anxiety Attacks In My Sleep

2007-01-19T14:22:00.000-06:00

I seriously still have panic attacks in the middle of the night about school! I have two specific dreams that send my heart racing.

A list of random thoughts that play out into a story-

[The first is that I’ve shown up for the first day of school, in high school, and I’m un-prepared.] The bell will be going off any second. I have one pen and one notebook. I know I’ll lose the pen by third period. [I start to panic] Wonder if someone would lend me another pen? [As I’m walking in to the doors of the high school] I forgot my schedule at home! [I can see the tables lined up inside to get copies of your schedule and locker combinations.] I don’t even know where my locker is…what grade am I in anyway? The bell! I’m not even to the table. Late already, and it’s only the first day! No time to find my locker. Don’t have anything to put in it anyway. [As I walk into what seems to be a chemistry lab I can see that the teacher is irritated with my tardiness, and now all of the class is looking at me.] Is there anyone in here that I know?

Breakdown: This never happened to me, but I always feared it with the start of each quarter or new school year. Everyone was always late for classes on the first day of school, so it wasn’t anything to stress about! To top it off, I went to a very small high school where you knew everyone…so to walk into a room of people wondering if I know anyone, that wouldn’t have ever happened!

Second Dream’s Random Thoughts: (my heart is seriously pounding just thinking of this story…and still, there’s no reason for it!)

[I’m in college and as I walk across the bridge to my class anxiety fills my body as I think about going to this specific class.] This is the second time I’ve taken this class. I never go, no wonder I’m going to fail it again. What if there’s a test today and I have no idea what’s even going on in the class? What if the class moved? I could walk into an empty room, or even worse a room with a completely different class in it! How would I find out where my classed moved? I could call the professor, but what if the class moved weeks ago? He’ll know that I haven’t been there! I don’t know anyone in my class so I would have to call. Maybe I should just drop the class and try again next quarter. God, I need the credits though. This is all my own fault!

Breakdown: This too never happened to me, but I did in fact stress about it in college. I feared skipping a class because then I’d probably miss something important, like the class moving! I did have a friend that actually experienced her class moving after not having been there in awhile, so I’m sure that’s how the thought entered my mind.

Now I’ve been out of high school for 12-years this coming June, and out of college 8-years this August. Why in the hell am I still stressing about this stuff!?! I wouldn’t think anything of it if the dreams happened once in a very blue moon, but no, I’ve had them so often that I actually get anxious going to bed thinking that I might dream about it…therefore allowing me to dream about it!

Part of getting past my anxiety issues is facing those issues and getting past them. Am I supposed to get past the dreams, or past the things I’m dreaming about? What in the world do I do to get over things that NEVER happened? Or better yet, never happened 12-years ago!

Thirty-Two Months Going On 19-Years

2007-01-18T14:11:00.000-06:00

This last month has been so incredible. Christmas was simply unbelievable. If I could have just sat in the corner all day watching you, I would have. Each present was the most amazing thing in the world, unless it was clothes, and you wanted to play with it immediately. You were far from selfish, always willing to help other people open their gifts too!

On Christmas Eve day you went to church with Nana and Bob. It took everything in my body to hold myself back and allow this, as it was (and still is) against every cell in my body. I had imagined I was free of having to fight this battle when your Nana moved to Orlando, little did I forget to remember that they come to MN to visit! In the spirit of the holiday I didn’t fight with Nana and swallowed the bowling ball-sized lump in my throat.

That night we went to the church where daddy and mommy were married. Though I still have questions of religious inadequacies church is apart of Christmas and apart of a tradition that I plan to keep. When we walked into the church I watched closely to witness your head spin off like a top; church twice in one day!

Santa came on Christmas morning and you were overwhelmed. Dora puked all over the living room! Your favorite thing Santa brought you was your Dora bicycle. I wish Santa would have waited until your birthday so you can actually ride it outside, but Daddy as made you a nice obstacle course in the basement that you seem to enjoy.

On New Year’s Daddy had to work and Mommy had plans. Part of me felt guilty that I was leaving you with a sitter, but in the end you had more fun than I could have imagined. I left with you Maiah and Cady, and their sitter, and you guys played non-stop all night. We got home well after midnight and both Cady and you were still up celebrating. We had told the sitters that you could stay up as long as you were well behaved.

The next morning the first words out of your mouth, “Cady’s House?” Every day since you’ve asked to go back to Cady’s house…so enough with the guilt!

In the last few weeks you have developed into the “Why” child. When I was little we used to call my cousin Ryan, “Whyan”…and you remind me of him everyday. “Where’d Daddy go?”

“Daddy’s at work.”

“Why?”

“Because he has to make money.”

“Why?”

“Because he needs to buy you Dora toys.”

“Dora! Wanna Watch Dora?” So easily distracted!

Yesterday you unintentionally broke your Daddy’s heart. After he had picked you up from daycare you pointed to the hill where the Fire Department is and said, “Daddy’s house!” He corrected you by saying that it was his work and that he lived with Mommy and Kenzy at Kenzy’s house. “No. Mommy and Kenzy live Kenzy’s house. Daddy live at work!” You Daddy immediately called to inform me that he works too much.

He doesn’t work too much. He works more than some Daddy’s, but it’s not like he’s away from you for long periods of time. As a fire fighter he’s forced to be away overnight a couple times a week. You’ve known nothing else so I never thought you’d really understand the difference. When he’s not at the fire department he is usually working for the landscaping department. In that position he picks you up from daycare at 3:30 and play together until I get home at 6pm.

Last week Daddy didn’t even go into his part-time job, instead he stayed home with you. The two of you played all day and took a 3 hour nap each day…

Last week sometime we got a notice from daycare that you bit another child. We thought we were past all of this but apparently your way to show aggression is to bite the child IN THE FACE, no less! I never imagined that you wouldn’t be an aggressive child…I’m apart of your make-up therefore it’s an impossible thing to avoid, but to bite the child in the face…that’s pretty harsh, kid! Daycare said that you were sitting on a stack of pillows looking at books when another child approached you to join in on your fun. There was a minor scuffle and then you ended it by putting the other child to tears.

As a parent I’m supposed to teach you to stand up for yourself, but at the same time I have to show you how to treat people around you. I’m failing on one of the two.

What's your stick of butter moment?

2007-01-12T13:00:00.000-06:00

There's a commercial for the YMCA (not sure if it's a national or regional commercial) that makes my stomach curl each time I see it:

A woman is sitting on her couch watching television munching on a stick of butter. She completely devours the butter, and when she's done she actually licks the wrapper clean. Seconds later it pans back to her with one of those, "Why did I eat that?" looks.

We've all had them!

I distinctly remember a specific moment where I realized I was in the midst of a "butter" moment, and at the same time I could see a pattern. For two seasons I have watched the season finale of "Biggest Loser." Without premeditation, I have consumed very cheesy, very greasy pizza while watching the show.

I'm watching these amazing people conquer their horrible eating habits. I'm inspired by the trainers and by the sheer enjoyment of watching each person and their achievements... as the grease drips down my chin.

Pretend

2007-01-11T12:44:00.000-06:00

Okay so I'm sure people don't want to hear about my kid and all of the amazing things she does on a regular basis...but see sometimes the things she pulls are so funny that I need to share them! I don't care you if you don't laugh as long as I am while writing about it!

Okay so right after Christmas we were in Target picking up some gear for my iPod. MacKenzy hates to shop with a passion...a lot like her mommy! To keep her from taking off or throwing a tantrum I usually have to keep moving and keep her interested. That particular day we were right by the card section of the store when she saw a Diego bithday card (Dora the Explorer's cousin...ugh). She grabbed it and said, "For me, please?" Laughing under my breath I told her that she had plenty of new toys at home and that Diego had to stay at the store. "No! Diego go Kenzy's house!"

Creative thinking had to work..."Do you have any money to buy Diego? Mommy doesn't have any money."

"I have money mama!" She stuck her hand down in her pocket and looked as if she was pulling out a handful of lint. I put my hand out as she placed absolutely nothing into my hand; pretend money! Holding back my laughter I told her that she didn't have enough, "Diego is a hundred dollars." Her face scrunched up while she contimplated how to get more "money."

Like any smart child she ran to her unknowing father and asked him for "hun-red monies Daddy?" And what's his response? "Ask your Mom."

She comes back and whines that her Daddy said no, and she stuffed the card back into it's slot and walked away with a fat bottom lip.

My husband then came to me and asked why she wanted a hundred 'monies' and I told him the story...in the end he chuckled, "the 'go ask your Mom' strategy really does work! Sweet!"

Almost Dooced

2007-01-08T12:30:00.000-06:00

Now I rarely write about work people so the appropriate term wouldn't exactly be "Dooced," but with lack of a better term I'm going to run with it.

I was almost dooced right before Christmas because of my internet activity....yikes. I was being bad, and I knew it, but I couldn't focus!! It wasn't like I wasn't working, I was just taking a little breaks here and there. By law we're to get a half hour lunch and two fifteen minute breaks. If my boss isn't around for lunch I usually eat at my desk, and we don't take our fifteen minute breaks. It's not like I can't, but unless I'm super bored I really don't think of it! It's not like I put down my work and put my feet up, no... My boss and I have previously discussed this where she felt it was acceptable to take little brain breaks now and again throughout the day. That could be for surfing the web, emailing friends, or making personal calls. She trusts us to do our work.

Well one morning I had an email from Target and I seriously thought it was about a prescription. I clicked on it just as the company office manager (basically my boss' equal) walked up to my desk. I didn't have time to minimize so when she saw my screen and immediately asked if I was shopping online. "No. I had an email I thought was about my prescription, so I clicked on it and I got the Target website."

A few days later I was working away like a busy bee when one of the son's of the family run business stopped in front of my door and said, "I need to see you downstairs." At first I didn't even think twice. He has called me into meetings before, so I figured it had to do with that...Until I walked up to the conference room and saw the office manager, the owner of the company, and the son. My heart sank and in a split second I begged God to not let them fire me just before Christmas.

They basically told me that after my encounter with the office manager they had the IT Dept. run reports on everyone. Myself and six other people were called in to discuss our internet activities. I basically got a nice lecture but in the end I still had my job...PHEW!

The relief of it all actually put me to tears. I sat in that entire nerve-racking meeting perfectly fine, but as soon as I walked out the door the tears started to flow. I was embarrassed, ashamed and pissed at myself all at the same time. I had to run to the bathroom to hide my face for awhile. Once I was less red in the face, and I had fixed my eye make-up I returned to my office. Luckily there were only two other people in the office and they were both tied up at that moment. I, on the other hand was actually supposed to have left for Minneapolis 20 minutes prior...so I was able to escape without anyone seeing me!

Once I returned from my outside errands my face was back to normal and no one new the better. For the last few weeks every time I see the three people that reprimanded me I feel like a complete Moran and like their thinking, "We need to get rid of her..."

My immediate boss luckily loves me therefore I have one cheerleader in my corner.

Happy New Year!

2007-01-02T13:16:00.000-06:00

Whether or not you like country music you have more than likely heard of Carrie Underwood... yes, from American Idol. I haven't ever listened to her CD but every song she has released has been a good one. My favorite has to be "Before He Cheats."

Saturday night I brought in the New Year with Carrie Underwood! Mystic Lake Casino/Hotel in Prior Lake, MN had two shows on New Year's Eve. The first show was sold to the public, but the second was a VIP performance for high rollers. I'm far from a high roller, I can't even tell you the last time I gave them anything!...but knowing the right people got me in! In like Flynn that is!!!! 7th row seats! To make it even better, the 7th row was up two stairs from the previous 6 rows so I didn't have to stretch to see around the person in front of me.

Carrie Underwood is probably the best vocal performer I've seen in a really long time. Her voice was identical to her recorded voice...in otherwords she didn't suck like some people do! And no, she wasn't lip synching! That girl has a serious set of lungs! Beside her songs from her only album, she sang two Guns-N-Roses songs. Now I know it's hard to believe that a girl, much less a country girl, could sing "Sweet Child of Mine," but she serioulsy hit it like she owned it! I was amazed, really!

This was a big night out for me, I can't remember the last time we've "gone out" for New Year's. Normally we go to our friends' and we hang out while playing games. It was our same group of friends that went to the concert, but the venue was far more exciting!

31 Months

2006-12-19T17:46:00.000-06:00

MacKenzy...
Yesterday you turned 31 months. I know I should stop counting months, but each one is so different from the last- I can't help myself!

Right now you're standing beside me coloring on your new easel dry-erase board that you got from "Santa" while at Grandma and Papa's house on Sunday. We celebrated Christmas a week early because Grandma, Papa, and Uncles Mitch & Matt are going to Mexico again this year. Celebrating a week earlier is actually a lot easier on me and your daddy, but it also drags out the fun for you. You just drew an actual heart, more like a kidney but you were pretty happy to call it a heart.

In the last month you have challanged your dad and I to no end. We're still dealing with sleeping issues...if you would only sleep in your bed, the world would be a brighter place each morning! Last week I swore I was going to outlast you, and all I got was a trip to the Chiropractor. For a full 30-minutes I stood outside your bedroom door waiting for you to step outside your room. When you did, I picked you up and put you back in your bed without saying a word. It broke my heart and maybe a little giggle each time you had a plea,

"Mama I'm Happy!"

"Mama I'm Beary Happy!"

"Mama I Cry No More, k?"

At one point you grabbed my hand and said, "Let's Talk" and you took my hand and led me to the staircase... just as I had done to you only 40-minutes earlier.

No matter how bad I wanted to give in, I knew that if I let you win I'd never hear the end of it from your dad. After a half-hour your dad took over standing guard at your door. Within 15-minutes you were fast asleep in his arms. You were physcially exhausted.

Watching the wonders of the Christmas Holiday through your eyes is exactly what makes life worth living. You gasp at the sight of Christmas lights, and when you see anything remotely Christmas-like you shout, "Christmas!"

I can't wait for Christmas...you are going to be so much fun to watch.

The Fear of Santa

2006-12-06T09:56:00.000-06:00

MacKenzy talks a big game when people ask her if she's told Santa what she wants for Christmas. She will say that she asked for "Dora presents!" Her actual response to the jolly old man was to glare at the floor while burning signs of the devil into floor. So far all of her photos with Santa and the Easter Bunny have included one or both of us.

Why do we subject ourselves, not to mention the kids, to this misery? It's not funny while we're standing in line for two hours watching each and every kid in front of you wig out! You know you're kid isn't going to be any different, yet we wait.

Hence! The reason we don't go to the mall Santa, but to Bachman's where there are floral displays so there is still chance of a good Christmas card shot! Their Santa is awesome, but until she thinks he's a cool guy we'll be sticking to the other displays!

The following shots are for your humor, not to mention my own. I found them on a site that strictly posts 'freaked out by Santa' shots. What's funny to me is actually looking at Santa, not the kids!

There's SUCKER Santa....some poor old man thought it would be fun to play Santa and look what he gets for it!

Gumpy Santa: I'm surprised the kids in this photo aren't screaming their heads off with this guy! He looks like he could use a nap.

Criminal Santa: This guy looks like he should be in a police line-up.

Maybe this is his disguise!

The evil Santa: I'm crying too!

There's Strung Out Santa: GET OFF THE CRACK SANTA!

Can't forget Elephantitus Santa!

Crying Santa: He's looking for a new gig!

And then the REAL Santa!

Only the REAL Santa could laugh with his lap full of screaming children!

Nice Socks!

2006-12-01T12:17:00.000-06:00

Enough Is Enough

2006-12-01T09:45:00.000-06:00

Okay so I'm having a hard time with this Kid Sleeping In the Wrong Bed escapade. My problem isn't so much with MacKenzy, she's two...but it's with Jason.

He is far from patient and it's all MY fault. Last night was a prime example of his inability to take a deep breath and realize that it's not going to be like this forever, nor is it the end of the world! MacKenzy and I went to bed around 8:30. I was going to start following the advice of a reader and that meant I was to lay with her until she fell asleep and then transfer her into her own bed once she was out cold. It didn't happen as quickly as I hoped so at 9:30 Jason joined us in the bed giving me the silent treatment. This is his way to inform me that he's angry with me. The fun part is trying to figure out WHY! I can only assume one of two things...our friend Chris came over unexpectedly and naturally it's my fault because he wanted to spend a quiet night at home. The other thing is that I went into the bedroom with MacKenzy rather than sit out in the living room with him...though he watches TV in the bedroom all the time. I guess that's only okay for him. Come On! I was watching Dora the Explorer! Not really my idea of a relaxing time!

Once he came to bed MacKenzy was still a little squirmy and I did my best to keep her close to me so as to not set him off. Within 5 minutes of him laying down with us he freaked and took her to her room. After about another 15-20 minutes of her screaming he went back in and told her she could sleep on our floor...with her mattress. She was game for that! As he set his mattress down he started in on me, "Why do I have to always be the bad guy!"

"Because you flip out and the things that bother you don't necessarily bother me!"

MacKenzy begged me to lay down on her mattress with her and to keep Jason from flipping out again, I crawled beside her. I could hear him mumbling something to the fact that I always give her her way...blah blah blah! I just ignored him and within 5 minutes MacKenzy was out cold and I climbed back into bed. She slept the entire night without a peep.

This morning when he got up she woke up but was really happy and was saying, "Morning Daddy!" with a hug grin on her face. He simply made a half-hearted smile and said, "Morning Kenzy."

I'm starting to think both Mommy and Kenzy need to get a bed in Kenzy's room. What a baby!

This isn't something new either, it all started from the day I brought her home the hospital. If you are a male or a female that has never nursed a child, you have absolutely no right to comment on anything related to my boobs or the child's eating!! And you have no right to comment on me falling asleep during the night feedings!!

Jason would get so pissed when I'd fall asleep on our reclining couch while nursing MacKenzy. He would say that I was going to make it so she wouldn't sleep on her own..blah blah blah! Looking back on it I should have said that he had to get up with me for every feeding and keep me awake if that was such a worry of his. I was exhausted, and until you've done it you have no idea how draining it is! And despite it all I will do it all over again!

Funny thing is, the sleeping in our bed thing was started by Jason...or so in my opinion it was. Jason usually gets at least one day a week where he doesn't have to go into work and on those days he keeps MacKenzy home. Over the summer they'd crawl into our bed to watch TV or a DVD together. It was quickly learned that if she slept in her room her naps were an hour or so, but in our bed they were usually about 3 hours! Daddy got a nice long nap or got some computer time. I can't say that I'm completely innocent, but truly it started with Dad.

So here we are...Jason isn't talking to me for whatever reason. And our kid's sleeping patterns are all messed up!!

Yippee for the weekend!!!

Mommy needs a break for crabby Daddy and needy Kenzy! When that happens she's be 18 and he'll finally have learned....or so I can only hope!

Phoebe's Name Change

2006-11-30T16:54:00.000-06:00

Okay so Phoebe is far from a common name...and seriously after "Friends" who would really name their child that? She was a fun character to watch, but I wouldn't want my own children named after her! I like the name Monica but wouldn't use the name either....she'd be noradic!

When you pick a name for your child it has to have TWO things... the name can't remind you of someone that you can't stand or relate to a bad memory. For me, I could never name my son Paul....not that I like the name anyway, but the one person I can say I truly say I hated in high school was a guy named Paul. He was incredibly mean to mean, however it wasn't as if he was sooooo cool himself. I wasn't a geek or anything, but I wasn't hanging out with the "A" crowd either. A girl's name that sticks out is Heather...well, and Jamie. Heather was a girl that was just the biggest snot ever...and Jamie was a girl that I got into a fist fight with at a girl's basketball game.

So with that said....why would someone name their kid BeBe?? It may be a cultural thing or it may just be a crazy name, I don't know. The thing is a few days ago I had to track down a company in California to do some work for us...at work...and I tracked down a person I thought was PHOEBE. She had agreed to help us out and gave me all of her contact information. When she gave me her email address I didn't think twice when I heard, "pwaxx@..." I thought her name was Phoebe!

For the last two days I've been emailing her without a response. I was seriously thinking, "What a bitch!" As I'm sure you've already figured out, I had it all wrong...her name is BeBe! I was emailing "pwaxx@..." when it should have been "bwaxx@..."

Now if you had an abnormal name like that would't you go out of your way to be 100% sure the person on the other end of the conversation totally was in the know?? I had a difficult to spell last name growing up and I learned to spell it out for e.v.e.r.y.o.n.e. ! Not only did I spell it, but I made sure I paused at the right time and said things like, "F" as in Frank...so they didn't substitute "S" instead.

So with that....if you're name is out of the ordinary, please be kind and make sure everyone else has got your name right !!!

Thank you.

The Spiral Effect

2006-11-29T13:05:00.000-06:00

There's the Butterfly Effect, and then there's Spiral Effect as Dooce so eloquently put it.

I have never named my "issue" but the Spiral Effect seems to be a perfect fit. I've never really thought of myself as a worrier, but when I really break it down that's exactly what I am...I just keep it all inside while I play it cool.

The tiniest of things have the potential get out of control in my mind. For instance, last night Jason called me as I was walking into Target, "What did you buy yesterday for $138?" He wasn't angry, but he wasn't exactly bouncing off the walls with excitment either. On the spot I couldn't think of what it was, and immediately I could feel the physical changes of my anxiety. My knees were weak, my stomach turned sour, and my blood sugar seem to crash. (I have low blood sugar issues that require me to carry food with me at all times....really works wonders when I'm trying to LOSE WEIGHT!) Anytime I'm nervous or dealing with my anxiety crap my chest tightens up and I fight to take the deep breath that I need to calm down.

Back to the $138...I told Jason that we weren't going to discuss it while I was in the store and we could talk about it when I got home. I really said that because I was thinking slow on my feet! When I finally got him off the phone it clicked, I was at Target the day before. My safety net...I was shopping with a list that HE gave me!! You'd think that would have given a sigh of relief but actually it just meant that the lecture wouldn't be quite as long...so I was still dredding the worst.

I love my husband dearly, but when it comes to money...it's all my fault. It's a never ending battle that we come across every month when the bills are due. Supposedly I spend spend spend and all he does is work. He works two jobs because his full-time job schedule allows! He is a firefighter and he only works every 4th day for 24-hours. On the weekdays when he's not scheduled at the fire department he does landscaping (and in the winter, plowing). Yes he's working more hours than most people, but he's ultimately not working more days. He has a unique job. And as far as spending......I SO do not!!! I happen to do all of the shopping, so it appears as though I spend all of the money. As far as I'm concerned he can do all of the shopping, I hate it! Once in a very blue moon I actually buy myself something...the other night, I bought myself underwear!!! How exciting is that??

[Our dumb dog keeps eating my dirty underwear from the laundry room....gross, I know!!! I have tried to put them in a laundry bag...but all in all he finds a way! ]

I seriously wore the same black loafers for the last three plus years because I didn't want to spend the money on myself. Two dogs have chewed on those damn shoes and they looked like hell! I finally broke down and bought a pair two weeks ago in black and brown with MY OWN MONEY! I can only say it was "my own" because it was from a Lia Sophia commission check! I rotate the same damn outfits every week...my jeans are from TARGET!! He has no idea what it's like to have a wife that spends money!!

So back to the anxiety...once I got home I was on eggshells because I was awaiting him to bring up the conversation. When the discussion was brought up, I was ready...and once it was over everything was fine...all that stress for THAT!?!

My biggest stress in my life is actually my mother. Somewhere out in the universe there's a perfect balance of how or what I'm supposed to be for her. Her life plan for me hasn't been what I've chosen for myself. I'm almost 30 years old and she has yet to seperate herself from my own decisions. She feels the need to be the commentator to my life, and it drives me CRAZY. So here I go walking around trying to keep her at bay, and try to keep some form of harmony. It's a constant struggle...and it sucks.

In one of my first therapy sessions this summer a word was presented that perfectly discribes my mother: Irrational. As soon as that word was used it was like the light bulb of life turned on. She has irrational expectations of the people around her, but then doesn't apply them to herself. I have to find the right times to stand up to her, not to tell her off but to show her that I am my own person and that this is MY life. My therapist noted that it was best to seperate myself from the things that bother me the most and work on the small stuff first. If that meant distancing myself from my mom, then by all means. With that, when I do see her I make it a point to stay in control...and not let my anxiety show. I still have to double up on my medications when I know I'm going to see her...but for the most part I avoid all topics that would cause any sort of conflict.

Baby Steps.

My new goal in life....has nothing to do with fame and fortune (well, the fortune would be appreciated!) it has to do with not passing this down to my daughter. I don't want her to learn it from me, and I don't want her environment to influence it either.

The spiral stops here.

Remember that Diet thing...

2006-11-28T16:23:00.000-06:00

I was just reviewing my posts....and thought I'd update the Diet posts...

Day ONE..............I have yet to make it to Day Two. Sad...but true.

I am however aware of what I'm eating and weighing my options a bit more.

Someday....I'll get my shit together.

Plastic Surgery

2006-11-28T15:44:00.000-06:00

If you could change one thing about your appearance, what would it be?

Since I was in Junior High I've hated three facial features:

My high forehead- When I have bangs it's not really an issue, but the bangs are the issue. I hate having the hair in my face, and hate that I can't just pull my hair back and go...you've always got to style at least the bangs.

My upper-lip....or the lack-there-of! I can't exactly hide it, so I've come to terms with it over the years.

My Chin- From as long as I can remember I've called it my Butt-Chin. It's really called a cleaf-chin, but regardless of what you call it I would rather go on without it.

My sister-in-law works for a reputible Plastic Surgeon in the area, so over the years we've joked that I could get the "family discount!" Really, I could never imagine myself actually doing such a thing...but then again...

Literally I just got off the phone with my boss all of 10 minutes ago...and she's on her way home from getting her "elective procedure" done. By a totaly coincidence my sister-in-law actually assisted on my boss' surgery...small world. I wasn't expecting to hear from my boss, Jess, for a few days...but when she called she was her same ol' self. The pain meds were working!

Jess and I have similar body structure, she's just a few inches taller. In the two and a half years that I've worked with Jess she has always been dieting. For almost a year she had a personal trainer, but her problem areas never improved. She's had two children and the normal baby pooch women get was a constant nagging for her. No amount of sit-ups would help.

When I gain weight it goes directly to the ass....for Jess, to her boobs. She's always had a "healthy" looking chest, but her dream of a reduction is the same dream that I imagine when I can't fill out a shirt...I just WANT boobs!

Jess contimplated plastic surgery after her two neighbors (that are sisters) had breast reductions last year. Then again early this fall one of those neighbors also had a tummy tuck. Though that person had serious complications (and is now completely fine and doing (and looking) great!), Jess went in for a consiltation. After the doctor told her that she could do sit-ups like crazy and her stomach would never be near flat again...she signed on. The bonus of it all ...she has a tattoo of a sun on her lower stomach, that with two pregnancies has turned into a comet!!! The doctor was happy to announce that he could make that disappear too!!

For the next three to five weeks I'll be doing the things that Jess normally does....

Work will be lonely without her........how many people can say that?? How many people enjoy working with their boss more than their other co-workers???

Complete Hell

2006-11-27T13:55:00.000-06:00

Attitude, Just Like Mama

This will be MacKenzy's third Christmas and each year we have made a visit to see Santa. We don't visit just any ol' mall Santa, we take her to Bachman's in south Minneapolis. Not a lot of people are aware of Bachman's annual display, so it's not crazy busy and it's not so commercialized. In the midst of their large greenhouse/store they have a stage set for Santa's Workshop. The gentleman that plays Santa is by far the most original looking Santa I have ever seen! From the beard to the rosey cheeks, they're all his own!

After the skit the kids line up to meet Santa. Unlike the mall Santa's, Bachman's has not brought in their own photographer to take shitty, overpriced photos! For MacKenzy's first Christmas we got a cute one of Santa holding her. (if I can find it, I"ll post it). Last year she wanted nothing to do with him, so the one picture we did get was of her hiding her face while I held her. This year...well it was a repeat. Thankfully the rest of the store is b.e.a.u.t.i.f.u.l!

Last year's Christmas card was of her in her Christmas dress, sitting on a pretty bench in front of their Poinsettia tree. They have pots and pots of Poinsettias in the shape of 40'+ Christmas tree. Many many people asked us where we had the picture taken, and when we said that Jason took it they were stunned. This year we did snap one good photo of her but it's far too similar to last year's...or so I think.

Sweet & Innocent

Each year I look forward to going to Bachman's and each year we've had a really nice time...which was not the case this year.

Her "Staged" Smile

Collections Gone Wild

2006-11-22T15:52:00.000-06:00

Last night MacKenzy was running a fever and having some explosive actions in her pants, so Jason stayed home with her today. She was fine when she woke up, but nonetheless he saw it as an opportunity to decorate our house even more than legally allowed...in my mind anyway.

Just before lunch I got a phone call from Jason...now mind you he's not overly sentimental, but MacKenzy had amused him to the point that he needed to share it. They were decorating the living room with my snowman collection....bottomless boxes full of snowmen! Each time MacKenzy got to something she liked she would ask, "Daddy! My room?" With in minutes of starting the decorating process, MacKenzy's room was decked out in all things snowmen! Jason finally decided that it was time to stop decorating because he wanted me to share in the hilarity.

In my husband's family if they find out you collect something they buy every cheap ass thing they can find! My mom decided about 5 years ago that I needed to collect something. I'm more of the pitch-and-throw type person. I decorate my house in practical things, not knick-knacks. But mom was having trouble buying me things, so by starting a collection she would ease her shopping stress. She started a snow man collection. I tried really hard to keep it on the down-low...only allow my mom to buy me such things, but my now mother-in-law got wind and I was ruined. That year at Christmas Jason's family went bonkers! I seriously have so much crap from that year, I have retired the collection.

Jason has been a firefighter since 1999. He too is a hard person to buy for so faster than he could throw on his turn-out gear his family was out shopping for every stupid little firetruck toy possible....he's a man in his 30's not 5!!!! He has every cheesy t-shirt and figurine they could get their paws on.

The following year, to ease our pain, we set a stipulation for Jason's family only:

Only snowman or firefighter items will will accept are Snowmen that are firefighters!! They are very hard to come buy, so we're lucky if they find one or two a year! It has proven to be a wise decision on our part!

They said they'd buy what they wanted to and we simply stated that we were making the rule to save ourselves from clutter hell...not to be mean! We made it loud and clear that if anyone broke the rule, no matter how much $$$ they spent on the item, they would be going home with it.

BTW...

What I'm thankful for:

I'm thankful for Macy's.

Yes, Macy's the department store. Last year their parent company bought out the company that owned Marshall Fields...therefore elminating Marshall Fields (which I dearly miss) and turning all of those stores into Macy's in the Minnapolis/St. Paul area.

In doing so....they have put an end to yet another collection nightmare.

My husband...all 6'7" 280+ lbs. of him collected the Marshall Fields (Dayton's) Santa Bear from when they started in 1985 (or '84?). He's only missing 3 of them. We seriously store tubs upon tubs of those damn bears only to display them from the end of November until just after New Year's.

I hate these bears.

Twenty-years of bears, and as you can see they not small bears! Talk about clutter!

Well, when Macy's took over...the bear went to teddy bear heaven!

Thank You God!!

Thank You Macy's!

30 Months and Counting

2006-11-21T13:50:00.000-06:00

On the 18th you were 30 months old...and in 7 months I'll be turning 30 too. I don't feel 30, so that's all that matters!

The last 30 months of my life have truly been a gift from God. You are the world to me and there is absolutely nothing as important to me as you. The person I was before you came into my life is so far from who I am today. I could have never imagined the love I have for you. No one can truly define unconditional love until they've experienced it!

In September you had tubes put in your ears and since then your vocabulary has gone through the roof. The things that come out of your mouth put me in ahh. Last week when we didn't bring your blanket with to daycare (you noticed a few miles down the road) you begged me (okay, told me) to "Turn Around Mama!" This weekend we were at my uncle John's funeral when you noticed people sat down when they weren't supposed to and you shouted, "Stand Up Guys!"
Before the tubes we were really the only people that understood what you were saying, now you speak clear as day!

The other morning as I was carrying you to the car you leaned over, with your hand on my cheek, and said, "Mommy, I miss you." I hadn't exactly been anywhere other than home, but nonetheless my heart simply melted...I think you knew what you were doing!!! Well, it worked.

You are really quite funny, and you know that too. In the car you will ask me to sing "Barn!" which somehow related to "Old McDonald." In your version no animals are discriminated against simply because they have no place on a farm, you include all animals and while you're at it you tend to throw in Mommy's Car and Daddy's Truck! "Old McDonald had Mommy's Car...with a vroom vroom here..." If you get board with that you pull out the ever so trusty "Wheels On the Bus," again in your own version. "The cows in Mommy's Car go Moo moo moo Moo moo moo, all day long!"

You have not gave in what-so-ever on being stubborn. For months now we have been trying to get you to sleep in your own bed. It's our own fault. This Spring we started to let you cuddle with us and watch TV in our bed...and now here we are in November with a up-hill battle. We tried sitting you down and discussing it, tried continually taking you back to your bed after you leave it, and last weekend we even pulled your mattress into our room. You slept on it, but not without me uncomfortably laying beside you.

My Doctor suggested something that I was originally very against; locking you in your room. After sleepless nights of taking you back to your room, we gave in. Your dad had to switch out the locks on our rooms...and now on a few occassions we've actually resorted to locking you in your room. Some nights your dad gives in, and some nights I do. Once you've cried yourself to sleep we breathe a sigh of relief only to have you start crying ten minutes later. The other night you kept screaming, "Mommy I'm Happy!" I've even tried laying in your room with you, but you still stand at the door screaming, "Daddy Open The Door!" You have no idea how this kills me each time. I don't like the thought of locking you in to your room.

The most distrubing factor in all of this is that you know taking off your diaper is a bad thing. On two seperate occassions you have taken off your diaper and pee'd on your floor. I don't think you've gone to the bathroom on purpose, but since the diaper wasn't there what else was there to do? So not only do we have to fear you destroying your room, we have to fear what you can do with a dirty diaper!

Bribery...only good if it works! I have broke down and bought you toys, though Christmas is just a month away, in hopes you'll want them so bad you'll sleep in your own bed. This is when you prove to be smarter than any kid on the planet!!! When I showed you the packaged Dora toy you were all about sleeping in "Kenzy's room!" That is until it was actually time to go to Kenzy's room. You Dad said, "If you're not going to sleep in Kenzy's room you need to give Mommy back the Dora toy." With a long face you gave the toy one last look and handed back to me. With a pause of silence you shouted "Mommy's Room!" Ugh.
My second attempt was BIGGER and supposedly BETTER...but no such luck. You and I were in Target and I spotted a rather large Dora pillow, shaped as Dora herself, and thought this would close the deal for sure! For WRONG! All through out the store you sang how you were going to "Sleep in Kenzy's bed!" and as I quized you, you assured me that you would be sleeping in your bed. Bedtime: different story! Before we could even discuss it, let alone fight about it, you walked up to me and handed me the Dora pillow and said, "Mommy take back to store Kenzy sleep in Mommy's bed." DAMN IT!

The last two nights you have truly tested both your dad and and I. Two nights ago you screamed for a good 25-minutes, "I'm Happy!! Open The Door!" and then all of the sudden totally silence fell over your room. I guess I'm a pesimist but I knew it was time to check on you, and TA-DAH! There you were in your birthday suit reading a book. Flashbacks of you watching yourself pee on your carpet ripped through my mind and right there you won the battle for that night. Last night I wasn't home until after bedtime but when I got home you were fast asleep next to your dad. This morning I came across the evidence as to why you won out again...all of your dresser drawers had been pulled out and clothes were everywhere!

What's next, I ask myself...bare room with a bed, blanket and pillow. So here we are again...square one .

Your memory is incredible!! This is where I start to believe that you were switched at birth! You love the movie, "Curious George," and even more so you like the soundtrack. Jack Johnson has taught you some great harmonies not to mention some new words. You sing along like a groupie waiting for your backstage pass! You can also sing all the songs on Dora the Explorer and Go Diego! Go! Yes you watch them every chance we give you, but still! You say the Spanish words just like your saying your other favorite words, "Apple Juice, Candy and Ozzy NO BARK!" Any chance I get I ask you to sing "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star." Your emphasis on certain words puts me to tears as I giggle ever so quietly!

Punk-a-noodle...I love you SOOOOOOOO much!
I can't wait for the next 30 months...but can we slow them down a little???

Love, Mama

Hit The Damn Thing!

2006-11-16T11:50:00.000-06:00

On my way home last night I was about 45 seconds behind a person pulverizing a deer with their car. Up until this year I've really thought deer hunting was stupid...how is it a sport when you have a gun and they have nothing? Bow-hunting, now there's a sport! It at least takes skill!

Well this year it was explained to me in great detail that the deer in Minnesota are extremely over-populated and if we didn't have a deer hunting season we'd have some serious issues. Deer would starve and would wonder further into populated areas to find food. Yes we've moved into their territory and forced them into less and less space, but overall the population is the problem.

Well, the deer hunting season ended last weekend and I'm all for starting it back up!

I've never been one to totally fear hitting a dear with my car. If it happens, it happens. But now its happening like crazy! I've seen footage of deer jumping through the windshields, picture windows, and last week one even walked into a Target store to do a little pre-holiday shopping!

So back to last night...after driving over chunks of deer ick ick ick I got home and had grab my pager to start my two hour ambulance shift. In August I joined the volunteer ambulance service in the small town that we live in. From August until October I simply rode as a 4th EMT to simply observe. Riding as a 4th is supposed to allow the new people to get acclimated to the way they do things. In that time I seriously made 2 calls!! One was a real patient call and the other was Stand-by, where you sit near the town that's ambulance is out of service until they are back in service. BORING. Every time I was signed on for a shift nothing would happen (it's a small town...that's the way it is). Well as of November I decided to go live and just learn as I go....and last night was the big night!

What I learned from last night...if a deer is in front of you, HIT THE DAMN THING! Do not try to avoid hitting it because you're more likely to do more damage in that process. The patient I had last night was driving home around 5pm when he swerved to miss a deer. He managed to miss it, but sent his full-size pick-up airborne! He luckily didn't hit anything, but said when he slammed down to the ground it was extremely hard. TWO HOURS LATER, after he had already walked from his truck into his house and had a couple of beers...he was in so much pain he couldn't get back out to the car for his wife to drive him to the hospital. When we arrived on the scene he was painfully laying on the couch and the a sheriff deputy was administering oxygen.

NOTE: most all cops do not like dealing with medicals, they are peace keepers! Putting on the O2 was a big step!

He explained that his pain was from his testicles (I'm still immature, I still have an inside giggle to that word) into his stomach up to his chest. He never said it was his back until we had him off the couch and on our cot.

Once we got to the hospital and explained the nights events to the Doctor he told the patient that he was 99% sure he knew what was wrong. He explained that in incidents such as his people tend to break bones in their lower back. They rolled the patient into X-ray and there it was TWO fractured lower vertebrae.

"SHIT! We should have back-boarded him!!!"

Since his stomach was bothering him, we all assumed stomach trauma...not back! DUH, being that we discussed it all happening in a automobile...we should have instantly immobilized his spine and back-boarded him. One of the other EMT's said sorry to the Doc and he said, "Don't be!" So from there we felt better. Before we left the hospital we heard the Doc call in the helicopter for transport to a Level 1 Trauma Center as this guy needed to see a neuro-surgeon promptly. Holy Crap!

After we got back to our ambulance station we could hear the helicopter coming in and a satisfying feeling rushed over me. THIS is why I became an EMT...I may not be able to fix what's broken, but I can help you get the help you need while making you as comfortable as possible.

I pray that last night's patient is able to get back on his feet soon and drive his truck home from work again....and if he learned anything, it was to speed up and turn the deer into road kill.

Post Partum Depression

2006-11-14T10:16:00.000-06:00

I don't really think I suffered from PPD after having my daughter, but then again I was dealing with normal depression so really who was to know!

Yesterday I spoke to my close friend Nikki for over an hour. Nikki was my college roommate and we've always been able to tell each other things that even our mothers don't want to hear.

When she called to tell me she was pregnant, after she told me the next words out of her mouth were, "I can call you and ask you whatever, right?"
"Without a doubt!"

She did ask quite a few questions and I was happy to give her my advice. I told her things people didn't tell me, and I told her the things I would have done differently. I laugh when I think of her calling in a panic, "Do you seriously bleed heavily for 3-6 weeks afterwards!?!"

"Nik, that is the least of your problems!! First off everyone is different! Heavy for me was a normal period, but that only lasted a few days....You are too far into this to start freaking out now!" I told her my horror stories....'Did I tear? Freddie Krueger made a visit!' I told her that her worst worries should be an emergency c-section....or getting the drugs fast enough!!!

Well when I talked to Nikki yesterday I could totally tell she was experiencing some post partum blues. In the years I've known her she's dealt with depression, so the post partum depression really didn't surprise me. Not that they're one in the same. She had so much to vent and needed someone that understood!

Many of things she vented were things I went through as well. I explained that her feelings were validated, but that she had to remember that both her and her husband were going through a HUGE transition. She needed to step back and even pull her husband aside and explain that she's feeling abnormally emotional and that she needed his help. I also said that explaining in detail what is irritating her will most likely not resolve things at this moment!

The case is, her husband has made hurtful comments without realizing it. I know him, he'd never purposely say anything to hurt anyone. But he has done the, "What have you done all day?" She feels overwhelmed with the day to day with a newborn, and he sees her as sitting around doing nothing...though he has yet to stay home alone with his daughter.
He's basically resorting back to pre-marriage life. He doesn't see the harm in going out with his friends a couple times a week. He doesn't see why she can't schedule her things around a babysitter, when he's just as viable.

I explained that what they're going through is unique to them, but not abnormal to their situation! I told her that she has to stop asking him to take their daughter, and SAY he's taking her. Don't give him time to back out and get his mom to watch her....just tell him you're going out to dinner with a friend and you'll be back "later." Without being disrespectful, give him a taste of his own medicine while forcing him to bond with his daughter!

In discussing this with Nikki it made me so thankful that we're past those days. MacKenzy is now our life and anything outside of the three of us comes second. We've both had the time to set aside our wants and needs to do whats best for the family. We still go out seperately, Jason hunts and I go out to dinner with friends. You still need to have ME time, but a lot less of it and in different ways!

One of the hardest things to overcome when becoming a new mom is the responsiblity. Still today I struggle with the difference between what I am supposed to do and know, to what Jason is responsible for. Before we had MacKenzy I might have to remind him to shave before we go...or to get on his case about leaving on time. Now I have to do that plus make sure MacKenzy is ready. THE hardest thing to work through is the fact that if I don't pick out MacKenzy's clothes and say, "Get her dressed," he won't. If I don't hand him the socks and shoes, the chances of him doing it anyway are slim to none. If I don't say "remember a diaper bag," he assumes that I've already taken care of it. What does he remember? If I'm lucky, her coat.

I'm not saying he's lazy or thinks it' my job...he's not like that at all. His struggle? Multi-tasking and thinking out of the box!

So who have I become? My mother? HELL NO, I refuse to go there! But I feel like a nag! He thinks it's okay to check his email while I'm racing around the house trying to get myself ready and make sure everything else is in order. Who is the first person to critisize me when I forget something sitting on the kitchen counter, "You have the worst memory!" the guy that just realized that he forgot his cell phone on the kitchen table!

Day ONE...again

2006-11-14T09:55:00.000-06:00

There are always set back in a diet...but on the first day!?! Come'on!

I did really well yesterday while I work, but work is the easy part!

Jason and I work with a group of kids and last night they surprised us with an appreciation dinner. Nothing was really all that bad, but it wasn't all that good either. I ate two schredded BBQ chicken sandwiches (they were tiny) a handful of carrots with a little dip, and a small handful of potato chips. I passed on the potato salad (which I don't even like so it wasn't all that hard!), cookies, cake, and candy. I ate my semi-healthy food with a Diet Dr. Pepper.

Though I did keep some self-control, I am now considering today as day ONE.

The Diet...DAY ONE...

2006-11-13T11:55:00.000-06:00

Okay, so MacKenzy will be two and a half in 5 days...I can't blame pregnancy for my weight any more. I really don't have a problem with the NUMBER the scale gives me, it's the weight distribution that needs a little help!

On Friday and I proclaimed that I was finished with whining about it, and was going to work on getting my body back. Now I know I will never return to my unhealthy 125 lbs, that I was when I was 3 months pregnant!! I loved being that size only because I could wear anything I wanted. Now even if I starve myself silly, I will never a 5/6 pant size! I have mommy hips and a baby poochie that my decrease in size, but they will never go away!

So, I gave myself an easy first 12 hours...started at midnight! For breakfast I ate a bagel with light cream cheese and drank a glass of orange juice. Not exactly up there with fresh fruit, but it's substance and that's what matters in the morning! Right?
For lunch I have my trustworthy soup. I've done the soup diet and it works....it's just a matter of sticking to healthy eating habits once I lose the first 10 lbs!

I'm not doing this for anyone other than myself. Jason thinks and says I look just fine, "I like you just the way you are!" I'm thankful for having a husband that doesn't think I need to be stick thin! He's a big boy and he's said it himself, he can't expect me to be a rail when he's not exactly at his ideal weight!

So here...I can hold my self accountable.

The hardest part isn't while I'm at work....it's once I'm home! Plus I need to find the time to get to the gym. I have a membership that I haven't used since.....I don't remember!

The Blah Days

2006-11-10T13:41:00.000-06:00

Last night I did something I rarely ever do and went shopping for MYSELF. I have a little money in my Lia Sophia account, so I decided I needed some new shoes and maybe even a new pair of work pants.

The shoes I had on yesterday are well over 3 years old. They were simple black loafer-type shoes. I wore them serving tables, and have worn them for everything else since. They are comfortable and easy to slip on and kick off. When I was in the hospital with MacKenzy our dog Abby ate the plaster off a wall, and chewed on my shoes. We didn't have the money for me to buy new ones, so I wore them! They were tattered, but not obviously chewed.
This Spring our current dog, Ozzy the spawn of satan, decided to snack on my shoes too. I caught him in time so that they were still "okay."

Yesterday my Lia Sophia commission check was deposited into my account...and I made my way to the store for SHOES! I only tried on ONE pair...and bought them in black and brown. When I got home I noticed that my new shoes were the exact same pair I bought 3+ years ago! I didn't even realize it because the original pair are so worn! Guess I like that shoe!

My old brown shoes will be going into the garbage...they are from 1997 when I was in college! Time to go! Now for the black ones....they might stick around for awhile. They're great for throwing on and running here and there. I don't need to trash my new one's any sooner than they need to be.

So yes, I'm over the moon about new shoes........I'm a girl!

Dragging

2006-11-06T10:18:00.000-06:00

All of last week I was dragging and I really think it was due to turning our clocks back to standard time. It's always dark! I went to be earlier and earlier each night, only to be more tired the following day. Finally on Friday I felt like myself and was ready for a fun weekend.

Friday night was night 1 of 2 to celebrate my friend's 30th birthday. Friday night we just went bowling. It was an open invite to anyone that wanted to come. In the end, it was the birthday girl (Chris), her friends' 6 year old daughter (Mari), two of our explorers (Kate & Jackie), and then Jason, MacKenzy and I. We had a complete blast! Bowling is horribly under-rated as a fun thing to do! The worse you are, the funnier it is!
MacKenzy absolutely adored it! Everyone rotated to help her as we bowled our own game. Each time she'd push the ball down the lane she jump up and yell "Yeah!!" and skip back to the machine that brings your ball back to you. Mari bowled non-stop. The way she threw the ball made all of us wince each time the ball went crashing to the floor!

Saturday night was more of an adult night. Six of us went to Uptown (Minnapolis) to Chino Latino's! If you haven't heard of it, it's a great time. Come On, their phone number is 612-xxx-PuPu! There entire menu is made up of funny names and phrases...You can order Phuket Asian Noodles! The bus boy walked around wearing a t-shirt that read, "Ah. Phuket!"

So it's not really a place to take grandma! The atmosphere is basically a high-class 70's lounge. When you walk in you're greeted with a bright orange pleather wall!

Chris is seen here attempting to eat with ChopStix.

I'm the dork laughing in the middle...

I'm laughing to hide the fact that I'm ready to punch the guy sitting next to me. His wife is on the other side of him, as he has his hand on my upper thigh!

Some menu items are:

Draino Balls
Queso Fundido
A Big Fat Cuban
Fidel's Capitalist Pig Roast
Phuket Fried Noodles
“Tune In Tokyo” Sushi Sampler Need I Say More?

After we ate we decided to hit Major's. We had no idea there was a live act, but it turned out to be the funniest thing ever! The act was a dueling piano show. If you haven't ever been, I highly suggest it! Not only do the guys play music, usually by request, but it's all tied into a comedy act that solely requires audience participation. This particular show was a little on the rauncy side, but nonetheless I laughed so hard my back still hurts today!

The guys sang everything from Elton John (while doing a great impersonation!) to Bon Jovi! Occassionally the lyrics were altered for the comedic factor which made it even more fun! We were laughing, dancing and singing until last call! The last time I heard, "Last Call!" I was working at a bar!

The best part of the night was when Chris got called up on stage! Mind you she was freaking out because the people that were pulled up before her had been coaxed into dropping their pants (they had boxers on)! We dropped one of the piano guys a note that it was "A Hot, Single Chick's 30th birthday and her name is Chris!"

All I have to do is post the following picture and no details are needed:

Yes, she is sitting on a toilet!

But this picture is pretty good...she was on all fours prrr-ing like a kitten. (Yes, my 30th is in 7 months, and I'm SO screwed!)

My Thoughts on Change

2006-11-02T12:07:00.000-06:00

Read the post following this, before reading this one

I am pretty sure if I was in the situation of a plane crash, I would see my daughter. The heart ache would definately send me to a sobbing mess.

*I want to watch my daughter grow up
*I want to kiss her cuts and bruises
*I want her to kiss mine too
*I want to watch her walk into kindergarten on the first day
*I want to watch her graduate from high school
*I want to watch her become her very own person
*I want to see her fall in love
*I want her see her experience the unconditional love between a parent and a child
**I want to be there for my daughter.

Next I would think about Jason raising her on his own. Dealing with the lose of his wife and trying to help his daughter through losing her mommy. I would see him struggling to do things the way I did it. Trying to do her hair and match her clothes. I would see him struggling and finally realize all that I did. (I don't mean this in a bad way either)

After that, my youngest brothers. Before I had a child of my own, they were my babies. I would imagine the looks on their faces when they heard the news. Mr. Macho Mathew would break down just as I would if it were him. Mitch would be just as crushed, but he'd be trying to comfort everyone else around him. My older brother would be crushed and would realize that we should have spent more time together as adults.

I would think of my sister that I've only just begun to get to knowher, but have yet to meet.

In my pleed to God...

I would say:

*I'm sorry for all of the grudges I've held for so many years.
*I'll stand up to my mother, but then tell her I forgive her and that I love her.
*I will hug my stepdad and say "Thank You." I will call him, "Dad."
*I will force my older brother and his wife to get together, rather than just saying we will.
*I'll go out of my way to visit my grandmothers.
*I will tell each one of my friends just how important they are to me.
*I will give my husband's grandmother a huge hug and thank her for being so supportive.
*I will forgive Jason's two cousins and aunt for what they've done to Jason and our family.
*I will continue to stand up for my husband, despite everything.
**I will thank God every waking second to just hold my daughter one more time.

And why not do this all now?

Like John said, I'm working on it.

Change by John Mayer

2006-11-02T11:58:00.000-06:00

I was on John Mayer's site trying to figure out who he's touring with...for my boss, okay for me too. He's coming to Minneapolis on February 13th. I know he had been touring with Sheryl Crow, and I would love to see her in concert.

He has a blog on his website. I was skimming through it trying to see if he mentioned anything about who he's touring with when I came across an entry that I found quite thought prevoking.

CHANGE
I've been thinking about something lately.

Imagine this:

You're on an airplane, sleeping with your head against the window, your heart set on being home this time three hours from now. All of a sudden, something goes very wrong. The plane stops moving across the air and instead starts falling through it. The lights are flickering and the movie is skipping. The plane dips hundreds of feet in seconds, and the yellow cups fall from the ceiling. They're a brighter shade of yellow than you remember, because unlike the demonstration, these cups have never been handled before. "Flight attendants take your seats now", you hear, the pilot's voice trembling over a cacophony of alert tones. You get that smell in the bridge of your nose like you've just been hit with a football. That's what the fear smells like. The plane is going down.

Four more drastic drops in under a minute. People are crying. For all the folklore about how your life flashes before your eyes, you're remarkably fixed on one vision - your parents. They're sleeping at this very moment, in a bedroom so quiet they can hear the clock in the kitchen. And you can see them, clear as can be. You wish you could see a playground or a first kiss, but all you can see is your parents sleeping. Huh. Well, that's that.

Several long minutes go by. Then, all at once, the lights come back on and the plane somehow rights itself. Some people cheer, but most people cry harder. The plane lands about an hour later, and as soon as you feel that touch down - hell, even when you were within 50 feet of the ground and could still technically survive a fall - you realize that however you brokered the deal between you and God worked; you've just been granted life in overtime.

Here's the question: what do you change? Whom do you call that you haven't spoken to in years? Whom do you realize has been toxic to your heart and drop with surprising ease? What trips do you cancel, and what trips do you book? What can't you be bothered with anymore? What's the new you like?

Think about that, and then ask one more question. Why not just change it all right now?

(Working on it...)

POSTED BY JOHN MAYER AT 04:48 AM FROM SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA

Reasons To Have Children

2006-11-01T16:39:00.000-06:00

There are reasons to have children, and reasons my not to have children. The reason I wanted children was confirmed last night as my husband and I took MacKenzy trick-or-treating.

First I must explain that she was the most impossible child to get out of the house last night. She faught us on everything! Jason got to the point he said that we were staying home! I refused to do such a thing and I tackled her myself. Once we were out the door she was a completely different child!

The first house we went to was directly across the street. Our neighbors opened the door and MacKenzy mummbled "Trick-or-Treat." They dumped enough candy for four kids into her bucket and with a huge smile on her face she said, "Thank You!" As we walked away the light baulb turned on, "Mommy! Candy!" We walked to the next neighbor's house and she knew exactly what to do, "Mommy, ding-dong!" She couldn't reach the doorbell!

We only did about 8 houses, but it was the most adorable thing in the world. I had imagined that she would turn on the shy girl button and not want to go to the doors by herself. I was very wrong...I guess I underestimated the power of candy! She marched up to each door like she was on a mission. If she couldn't reach the door bell she'd scream, "Ding Dong Mommy!" and I'd have to run up and press the doorbell. If they had windows surrounding the door she would stand in them and check out the house. I kept having to pull her out of the windows...how weird is that, you look at the door and there's Elmo puking out a little blonde girl's head!

The most exciting place was our neighbor Jackie's house. Jackie has a dog named Lucy and I had put together a bag of dog treats for her. MacKenzy marched up to the door and since it was already open, she walked right in. She wanted to say hi to Jackie's two cats! She then proceeded to hand Lucy (the dog) her treats! When Jackie took them from her, MacKenzy had to remind Jackie that the treats weren't for her! "Treats for Lucy!"

The entire night was like a passage from a baby to a child....or something like that! She showed her independence and it made he look at her in ahh. When we were back at our house she insisted on handing out the candy to the kids that came to the door. Some of these kids had on scary masks and it didn't phase her one bit.

Watching life unfold before you through the eyes of a child; that's why a person should have a child. Seeing them experience things for the first time grounds you and shows you the important things in life. Though it's scary to watch them grow so fast, its fun to watch them go from a helpless baby to a logical thinking person (not that she's quite there yet). It's just amazing to witness life!

Halloween and Marriage

2006-10-31T10:25:00.000-06:00

My husband and I dated for a short time before we were engaged, however our engagement was one for the books: We were engaged April of 1997 and married May of 2002. Most people assume it too me all that time to get him to walk down the aisle, when actually it was the complete opposite.

My husband would have married me the day he put the engagement ring on my finger, however I wasn't completely ready for marriage. I knew he was the one that I was going to marry, however I knew that I was just too young for that step at the age of nineteen! All my life I had imagined that being at least 23 was the right time. There's not a specific reason as to why 23 rather than 22, it's just rationale that I put together at some point in my life.

My husband and I come from nasty divorces, and for the most part neither of us had healthy relationships with our fathers. The most important factor in getting married was that we try not repeat our parents' marriages. We both agreed that divorce would be a last resort to a failing marriage. We agreed that we would do counseling and do whatever it took to keep our family together. If the worst was to happen we also agreed that the children came first and our differences would be set aside. I know it's one thing to say it when you're relationship is healthy, but we've both lived the worst case scenerio and really believe that we need to our best to keep that world out of our family.

In talking about that we also had quite a few other things to get out of the way. We both wanted to have children, but I think people forget to discuss how they will raise their children. I didn't want to get a few years into a marriage and find surprises!

I grew up in a recovering Catholic household. My parents divorced when I was four and my mother remarried seven years later. In that time we periodically went to Sunday school and basically went to church for holidays. When she remarried we actually attended Sunday school every Sunday until we were confirmed in 9th grade.

Jason grew up in an extreme Christian household. When he was seven his parets divorced and many family members say it had to do with his mom "finding the Lord." His father refused to go along with her Born Again crowd and eventually she chose the church over her husband. My husband went to Christian School until his mom couldn't afford to pay the tuition. Public school was a completely different world! Jason has never Trick-or-Treated ...because that was "Celebrating a Peagen Holiday," he was told. He was allowed to participate in the public school's parties, but beyond that he was forbidden to recognize the day.

The Halloween thing really baffled me. Over the years Jason and I discussed it and though he found the church he grew up in to be a bunch of hooey, he still held onto the Halloween beliefs. I'm not one to tear someone down for their beliefs, but I'm not afraid to question their beliefs. I know the history surrounding Halloween and understand the Christian attitude towards the specktical, but Halloween isn't about that anymore than the Easter Bunny being apart of the crucification of Christ. Halloween is another Hallmark Holiday! Children get to dress up and get to go door to door for candy. The spooky things are in fun!

Jason was dead set that his children would not trick-or-Treat. I was dead set on the fact that I could not marry someone that selectively picked the rules of a church he no longer attends! I wouldn't have even dated him if he was apart of that church, mainly because our belief systems wouldn't meshed....so I wouldn't exactly marry one! It's not that Halloween is all that important to me, it's the fact that I don't believe it's a bad thing and is about fun!

Jason and I talked this subject to death. I refused to step down from my position, and basically said that I couldn't marry him if he was going to pick and chose his beliefs from that church. I know it sounds harsh, but I do not compromise my beliefs! My final word on the matter was No Halloween? Then there's no Easter Bunny or Santa. In the end we came to an agreement: Halloween would not be banned, and the only stipulation was that the kids could not be dressed as ghosts, goblins, witches, etc. It was a healthy compromise.

This is MacKenzy's third Halloween and you would never know that Jason was once totally against the day. The first year I bought her a little Strawberry outfit, but then he insisted on buying her a 2nd costume; a dalmation. Last year I bought her the cutest Rooster costume at Old Navy. Jason loved it just as much as I did. Neither years did we really take her Trick-or-Treating. She was too young to understand it all. This year its a whole new world.

This year she's Elmo. Not my first pick in the costume department, but my mom found it and wanted to buy it for her. In the last few weeks she's been head over heals for Dora. Had I known I would have sought out a Dora costume. We went to a kid Halloween party this past Saturday. When we walked into the party a little girl was dressed as Dora and MacKenzy went nuts! I think she really thought the girl was the real Dora. When the little girl turned around MacKenzy screamed, "Backpack!" She was so excited!

I have never really decorated for Halloween; I decorate for Fall. A few weeks ago we had Jason's grandmother over for dinner and she brought a couple of her own decorations fearing that we would not decorate for MacKenzy. I waited for Jason to refuse them, but instead he was almost like a kid! He put them up immediately and seemed excited about them- How odd. Then last Thursday I came home from work to see him decorating the outside of the house with cob-webs and black lights. He had bought a strobe light, a fog machine, and black lights for all of the outside lighting. I asked him, "Who are you and what have you done with the guy that thought Halloween was such a horrible thing?"

He just smiled and said, "I thought it would be fun."

Exactly.

Such A Long Road

2006-10-30T14:04:00.000-06:00

Back on August 2nd I wrote "Long Distrubing Road." I couldn't, and still can't go into detail about the ordeal. It's something that we've tried not to let consume our lives, but it seems every time we relax a little it comes back to haunt us some more.

In this ordeal we have done nothing wrong and have tried to move on dispite its huge effect on our family. To give a little more of an explanation, it's a family fight on my husband's side. He's directly the focus of the ordeal and it has split the family completely in half. The nastiest of things have been said, presumed, and told to people outside the family.

The fight is over something that supposedly happened over 20 years ago. Family members that my husband was extremely close to have turned on him, and anyone that has stood behind him. His grandmother is devestated and completely depressed because not only has she been disowned by that side of the family but because her family has turned into a war zone. She lives for her family and she just can't grasp that her own daughter and grandkids could be so harsh and nasty.

This all started at the end of July. For the first month it consumed our lives, but as time has gone by we've been able to set back into a routine of ignoring it. We have agreed to not give them the satisfaction of letting it ruin our lives....they can dwell on it and live their own unhappy lives.

Yesterday my husband received a letter from his aunt. I never read the entire letter, but what I did read explained why he was so upset. Our decision to let them stir in their own maddness has led them to believe that he's scared to confront them. This couldn't be further from the truth! He's not confronting them because he doesn't want to give them the light of day...he knows what they're saying is a complete lie and that regardless of what he says they'll never take his word for it.

So with that...our emotional rollercoaster has hit another peak. My husband spoke to his mom last night, who in turn discussed it with her husband. When this all started he spoke to an attorney for us, and told us that if need be he would pay for one. Well with some of the threats that were in the letter from his aunt has officially sent things in motion, and unfortunately a case of slander is in the works. She is out to ruin my husband, and in turn destroying our family...she's made countless little jabs and now we have to come back with a full-force punch to the gut.

We don't want to do this...we just really want the truth out and so everyone can move on! But we don't see that happening and we simply need to protect ourselves and our livelihood!

Depressing As It Is....I'm Depressed

2006-10-27T13:18:00.000-05:00

Below is my response to reading an article recommended on my favorite website Dooce. I don't normally write authors of articles, but I was inspired and I had to share it with someone that understood.

Please read the article before reading my response... click here for article

I am a loyal reader of Dooce.com and in her post yesterday she noted your piece. She too suffers from debilitating depression....as do I.

I absolutely LOVED your story. You basically said all the things that I couldn't ever put into words about my own illness. Though I only sought out help for the first time about 8 years ago, in hindsight I realize it's a been a serious issue all of my life. Facing that fact was ten times harder than living that way.

I too hate the thought that I have to take pills on a daily basis to remain "normal," but by self-prescribing myself to stop taking the medications I realized how much better my life is with them.

Your mentioning the zoning out really caught me off guard because on some of my worst days that's what I do. I've never thought anything of it until now. When I was at home on bedrest with my now 2 year old daughter, I could lay there for hours and just stare out the window. I would lose all track of time and would forget to eat. I'd find myself showering at 4pm because I did nothing else but look out the window. I don't even recall that I was thinking of anything; a blank mind.

I still find myself doing that now and again, but for the most part I can recognize it and snap out of it.

Anxiety is truly apart of my everyday life and since I've acknowledged that, my depression has remained under some control. I started going to therapy in August as well, though it was something I imagined close to hell. I didn't want to go have a cry-fest, I was down enough! If I had known it would like it is, I would have been in therapy a long time ago. I walk out of each session feeling so happy and powerful...I'd sit there all day if I could!

My medications can only works so well...I have to help myself too. I can be a wuss and just take my pills and move on....but to take note of the situation and try my best to help it improve....that takes balls! I still have my bad days, but I'm learning to notice them coming! I've learned to remove myself from stressful situations by refusing to allow other people over power me.

I have been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Disorder as well, and without going into details I can now see how that certain moment in my life changed me forever...and sent me down a road that led me to where I am now.

I am so happy for you, that you're comfortable enough to talk about your inner most-self....because that's what it is! It's your mental world that you're sharing...and from what I've learned, sharing that part of myself with people can be scary! But I have since opened up a comfortable conversation and now a few of my friends have come to me saying that they've sought help because of ME and the fact that I talked about it and made them feel okay about getting help.

That alone is medication!

Amy

Not Allowed

2006-10-24T15:52:00.000-05:00

Things That Shouldn't Be Allowed In An Office Setting

*You're not allowed to make popcorn after you've burned it more than once before!!!

*If you need to charge your cell phone during the day, do it at your desk...not in some random place in the office!

*Halloween, Christmas, Easter, etc. apparel... you don't need to be wearing your orange shirt with the Jack-o-lantern on it to the office! I don't care if it's October 31st. (keep the matching earrings at home too, please.)

*Christmas music before the month of December, and it must end December 25th as well. (I'm not a scrooge...25 days of straight Christmas music is enough!)

*No 8x10 photos of your kids or your pets

*The smell of cigarette smoke. If you're a smoker, you must decon before entering the building.

*Silk flowers or plants! Get the real stuff, or don't bother!

*A video camera. I don't want to see your child's gymnastics routine...nor their choir concert.

*Pictures from your family vacation. One or maybe two pictures -that's fine, but don't make your co-workers go through your entire collection. We Really Don't Care!

On the Job

2006-10-24T12:36:00.000-05:00

Okay so I need help....

I love my job. It's not so much exactly what I do that I love, but I love my boss. I've never been in a job where I've respected my boss as much as I do here...and I've never felt so respected.

Problem:

The pay is shit!

Just before I was due for raise the company froze all wages and spending due to the fact that the industry is slowing down and we need to adjust. Prior to the freeze there were also talks of me taking on a new project that would require a company car, and an additional raise.

We are hurting financially BIG TIME and I'm being pressured to find a better paying job. In the current job market I should feel thrilled that I even have a job!

After college I had two good paying jobs....great paying jobs considering I wasn't married, rented, and didn't have any children! Though I had cash coming in, I hated going to work every day! My bosses took advantage of me and continuely expected more and more out of me. My first job out of college damn near put me in the looney bin...seriously. The second job basically ended with a shouting match between me and my boss.

I'm not a difficult employee by any means...if you ask me to do something, I'll do it! If I don't know how to do it, I'll figure it out!

So here I am in a job where I enjoy showing up! I can't say that I like working with everyone in this office...but my boss totally makes up for all that!

So with pressure from my husband to find a new job....what do I do? Do I say something to my boss? Do tell her that I'm in a bind??? Or do I apply for other jobs on the down low and if and when I'm offered a better paying position give my boss the chance to counter-offer??

Dumb Question Of the Day

2006-10-24T12:13:00.000-05:00

I'm talking down a hall to the coolest boss in the world and Mrs. Stupid Questions, who are sitting in the coolest boss in the world's office.

"I'll go to lunch when everyone get's back. I'll just be running to Target."

By the time I got to the Target bit I was face to face with both of them.

Christine: "You're going to Target?"

Me: "No. What did I just say?"

Christine not reading the sarcasm in my voice: "You just said you were going to Target."

Me: "Then why did you ask me if I was going to Target?"

Rage

2006-10-24T09:52:00.000-05:00

I'm having one of those days again....I can't catch up and my blood is boiling. I took my meds this morning, however I didn't eat until about 5 minutes ago.

My morning consisted of:

*No time for shower (ick!)

*Whiney 2 year old wants to watch "George" and once it's in and started, "NO!!! Bambi!" The screaming is enough to send me over the edge, so I comply to her demands.

*Have to practically sit on child to get her dressed....and she refuses to have her matted hair done.

*Leave house half-hour late...going to be late for work, again.

*2 year old has a melt down when I leave her at daycare.

*Get to work 19 minutes late....not as bad as I had thought.

*Desk is a complete disaster and I'm not ready for the accountant today. While racing to get things together, stuff starts falling off my desk. MY DESK IS TOO SMALL!

*Important fax won't go through, keep getting busy signal....fuck 'em they can call for it again and I'll tell them it's their own damn fault.

*The more I try to calm down and CHILL OUT, the more pissed off I get! At what? God only knows!

I'm feeling better now...it just won't take much to put me back to where I was though. I need to stear clear of Mrs. Stupid Questions and Mrs. The World Doesn't Go My Way.

Senior Photo

2006-10-22T15:23:00.000-05:00

My sister replied to my questions about telling her father and...

She hasn't told him.

She claims that she hasn't had any alone time with him. She said that only her oldest sister is aware of the fact that she is adopted, so it's not exactly something she can talk openly about. I basically said, the sooner the better. The longer she keeps it from him the more it turns into dishonesty....she needs to tell him.

A friend of her's mother took some pictures of her for some senior photos...and she said that if she didn't like them she'd have them professionally done. I think this one shot is perfect if you ask me!

I have to hunt my senior photo down so you can see the comparison...I told her that I hate her perfect teeth and that she had better had braces!

As far as meeting her, I won't until I know her father knows about everything. I don't want him to find out on his own and be angry with her, or me!

I'm MMMmmelting!

2006-10-20T12:14:00.000-05:00

I can't get over this damn weather....hot cold hot cold! Trust me I love the hot but I could really do without the cold. Over the last couple weeks we've been teased with winter weather...flakes falling from the sky sending everyone into their winter depression.
In Minnesota winter can start in June if it sees the need. You can plan a beautiful June wedding and have it ruined by 45 degree weather...I've never witnessed it, but I'm pretty sure it's happened.

In 1991, October 31st brought more than trick-or-treaters to your door, it brought 28+ inches of the white stuff. I remember my dad's electricians sleeping all over our house because they couldn't get home after work.

Why am I ranting about the weather like some nitty old lady with nothing better to do...well, I'm actually happy about the weather right now. This morning when I came into work it was FREEZING, but just now I had to run work errands and it took everything in my body to come back! I was in Target when it hit me, I was sweating like a fat man in a suana. Did help that I had my wool pea-coat over my polar fleece....(the skinny clothes were packed away last week...time for the winter fatties!)

Sadly, by the time I get outside again...it'll probably 40 degrees and cloudy again.

Mix Up

2006-10-19T13:55:00.000-05:00

Okay....for awhile I was managing 3 seperate blogs and I just recently brought it down to 2. The blog I deleted was called "Parents Cause Damage" and it was basically a means for me to vent my frustrations in regards to my family. It was theraputic, but I kept finding myself debating which blog I was going to update....I didn't have time for all three.

Besides this site (and the one I deleted) I have a family site. I'm doing it for two reasons...to journal and to share with our friends and family. The journaling is necessary because accroding my daughter's scrapbook, she's still in in the hospital!

Well on my family site and my now deleted site, I had discussed my sister. I have not seen her since she was 1 year-old, and now 16 years later I've tracked her down. So if you're confused by the previous post.....click on the link below and it will explain everything.

http://melby-family.blogspot.com/2006/10/little-known-fact.html

Updates

2006-10-19T13:12:00.000-05:00

Right now I'm eating my lunch at my desk...so I'm actually posting on my own time rather than the norm. SHhhh! I'm drinking a Mountain Dew, which is actually quite disgusting! How did I ever drink this!!!??? Like all high school kids, I lived on the stuff....no I avoid it like the plague! The other night I was drinking a Sunkist (oh Yummy! Orange!!) and my friend and I decided to compare the Nutrition Facts....All around Mountain Dew was actually better! Sunkist had way more sugar and calories. How depressing!

The only reason I'm drinking the Dew is because I'm lazy. We have a fridge full of free soda in my office for clients and staff. Well, its slim-pickins and I don't want to walk down a flight of stairs to buy one! So I sit here and suffer...boo-hooo!

Thank you KneuroKnut for reminding me that I needed to update the sister situation.

Things have progressed, however we have yet to meet. I'm not pushing the subject because I don't want to force myself on her! I'm not a stocker! She's in volleyball right now so her schedule is pretty packed but I'm sure it'll happen. As of right now we're basically e-mail buddies. Soon...
I've been trying to get out of her whether or not she's told her Dad about being in contact with me. I don't want him left in the dark! If she did tell him, what was his response?? I'm curious!

I wasn't going to tell my older about it quite yet. I was going to ease him into it. In the past when I'd mention Marki he'd show no interest. I was talking with him on the phone on Sunday night and it just seemed right. When I told him the story he was immediately interested, which was far from what I thought he'd do. He pulled up her website and instantly said, "Wow! She looks exactly like you!"

I told him I'd keep him in the loop and "maybe one day you'll meet her too!" He was totally cool with that....cool!

I also talked to my cousin Shelly, who is from that side of the family. She is really the only person I keep in touch with on that side of the family. She actually lives nearby Marki...all these years! They live on the same lake, in the same bay! She was going to ask her kids, who are the same age as Marki, if they knew her. They go to different schools, but her kids hang out with a lot of kids from Marki's school too.

Wouldn't it just be the weirdest thing if Shelly's kids knew Marki all this time???

reVAMP!

2006-10-18T14:18:00.000-05:00

I need a change...I've been down in the dumps and I'm really getting sick of it. The depression thing is getting to me....while the anxiety seems to be getting better- go figure! The weather isn't helping matters. Seattle blahs...in Minnesota. I can handle the cold if there's sun...but we've been flirting with snow flurries since last week and I'm not ready! Winter is just too depressing! Come into work it's dark....leave work it's dark. The light of day completely passes me by while I sit at my desk.

I've been playing with the idea of changing up my hair...drastically. Right now I have a very non-committal style...long, with a few layers, and highlights. I've grown out my bangs again because the fuss was too much...and now I'm actually debating cutting it all off and having to fuss with it daily! Fussing with short hair can't be anything like my mop! Yes I can always pull it back into a pony or frump, but I tend to do that all the time! I'm lazy! I want my hair done NOW...I don't want to blow dry it for the next 10 minutes!

So here's the picture I'm looking at:

Some of the people I've showed say it's too drastic, and others are saying to go for it....I'm feeling GO FOR IT is the best answer. I know my husband won't be pleased, but he'll get over it. He likes my long flowing hair. Barf!

This picture was taken in March, but illistrates exactly how i wear my hair on a daily basis (and actually is how I am exactly wearing my hair at this moment). It's pulled strait back....to which I have too high of a forhead but who wants to bother with annoying bangs. In this photo it's pulled into a pony, most of the time it's in what I call a frump....a partly pulled-thru pony.

blah blah blah blah! That is exactly how I feel- BLAH! To get past this funk I need to do something...I need to try something new. It's only October, how the hell am I going to make it until April or even May!!!!?

We've been discussing spending Christmas with my parents and younger brothers in Cancun this year. It's not my idea of a Christmas, but paying pennies on the dollar makes it so appealing! And the much needed sun and warmth is the deal maker. We are still trying to figure out how much it'll cost us and that will be the deciding factor! Either way....we're going to Orlando in April to see Jay's mom and her husband, so we'll warm up eventually!

To new looks and sunny days!

Is It Just Me Or....Duh

2006-10-12T10:03:00.000-05:00

This morning I was trying to look up my hometown's newspaper online to read a story that my mother suggested I read. I found the site, found the article....clicked on the article to view the entire story and it asked for my login!?! What? I know the Minneapolis Star-Tribune allows access for a limited time before logging in, but ultimately you can make a generic username and password and it's not a big deal. This isn't the case here...

I have to subscribe to the actual paper in order to have a username and password. The site allows you to purchase the subscription online.......but what the???

If I had the newspaper coming to me weekly (yes, it's a small town!) why would I view it online? It's not exactly a paper that you can't read in one sitting. I understand the convienence factor...at the office, want to see what Meals On Wheels is serving today.... totally makes sense! Do you sense my sarcasm??

It can't exactly be a revenue factor! If you subscribe to the paper you get the online subsciption for free.....and how many people are signing up for a subscrition soley to use the online version....Um, None?! You can even purchase just the online subscription....for damn near the same price as the real version.

They need to learn how to better utilize their advertising...and like other online papers I've read, have additional sections to draw readers in. But to pay for the service...that's just not right!

It's days like this that I wonder if I'm insane or just really really logical.....maybe a little of both!

Progress

2006-10-11T15:27:00.000-05:00

I just got back from another therapy appointment, and like all of my sessions I feel great afterwards.

Today's session was extremely good in that we discussed my progression in dealing with my anger issues....and noticing my anxiety issues before they take over.

Having someone notice my progression has allowed me to validate it too.

Though I had a bad day the other day, I felt it coming on and knew that I needed to do something to not allow it to consume me.

As far as therapy sessions, I had always invisioned that they would be entirely of me crying my eyes out....and this hasn't been the case!! I seriously have cried ONCE....and it was mainly to do with talking about emotional things when I wasn't feeling well. I'm a cry baby when I don't feel good! I never imagined that I would feel good after a session...I always thought they'd make me confront the people that were causing me the anquish, therefore causing a family nightmare....and then more stress.

Instead I'm learning how to listen to myself, and slow down and take control of the situations that normally cause me anxiety.

I'm far from OKAY, but today I really feel as though I'm on my way to a healthier mental life.

Anxiety...part 2

2006-10-09T09:51:00.000-05:00

Back in August I started a post called "Anxiety" and after receiving a nice comment from Chameleon I decided that I should add to it.

I've never thought of it until today, but a chameleon is exactly what I am in respects to my anxiety and depression. I go about my days trying to blend in as normal...and hoping that no one knows the truth! I'm a fake....that's how I feel on most days. I'm constantly waiting for someone to shout it from the roof tops so I would be forced to face all the people that I've lied to!

Today I'm actually having a bad day. I can't focus and everything is driving me crazy. Over the years I've learned to read the symptoms, but by the time I notice them it's too late...I'm already a mess. Today make lack of focus is truly to blame on my tornado-like desk. I look from one unfinished project to the next, and my blood starts racing. I seriously feel like a sinking ship.
Each time I feel like I'm making progress a new project is thrown my way.

So why and I blogging when I should be working...because I'm inches from dropping it all and going home for the day. I'm on the fence between screaming and crying...and I'd like to avoid both....so I'm taking a breather.

Days like this pyschically wear on me. I have to fight all day not to snap at people, and then on top of that attempt to focus on something to look busy.

Right now all I want to do is lay down on a bed...hell, the backseat of my car...and take a nap. Sleep away the frustration.

I just took a double dose of my anxiety medication, but we'll have to see if that'll do it.

Everything is getting to me!!! My feet are catching on the wires under my desk....papers are falling off my desk....or simply I can't find something! My mind races a million miles a second and I just want to through it all up in the hair and disappear.

Yet another bad day...

American Schools

2006-10-03T16:04:00.000-05:00

In a week of horrible school shootings all over the country, it has now hit close to home. Fortunately all matters were dealt with correctly and at this time there is a sigh of relief...however things will never be the same again.

Just this afternoon my mom called to inform me that my youngest brother, Matt, was threatened yesterday and then later found to be on a hit list. While at football practice a boy that Matt has had problems with since 3rd grade (they are now in 7th) freaked out on him and said "YOU and YOU (while pointing at him and another kid) will be dead tomorrow...I'll see to it." After further investigation by the proper authorities, a hit list was found.

My hometown maybe has a population 4,000 people...so people feel as though they are immuned to the violence of city life. They are so wrong.

A few years after I graduated from high school there was actually a shooting at the school. This was before Columbine and Jonesborogh by a few months. A boy that was pissed off at the world had made comment that he'd come in and "shoot the place up." When he didn't show for school the next day, and his parents hadn't called him in sick, the school went on lock-down. Eventually the kid showed up with a sawed-off shotgun ready to kill. The kid was finally pinned into a bathroom where the janitor locked him in, and the cops were brought in.
By pure luck, grace, or chance the cop is here to talk about it. As he entered the bathroom and swung open the stall door the kid shot him in the head. All the police officer got was a graze wound, though he was less than 3 feet away from the kid. (this kid went to prision at 16 and will be released next month at the age of 25...gee, will he re-offend? He's never lived on the outside as an adult!)

So with that... when my mom called to tell me what was going on, my heart sank. My baby brother!!

To explain Matt from my perspective I'm sure is far off from what the kids at school see. I'm almost certain that if I were in his class I would have not been in his group of friends. He's very popular and a great athlete. To top it off he's a fantastic student. I was a good student, friends with most everyone, and played sports (but wouldn't consider myself as a great athlete)

My version of Matt is that he's Mr. Macho with a heart of gold. He's a softy but puts up a strong front. He's totally a mama's boy but I think that stems from him being so young when my mom was sick with cancer.

Matt is my daughter's favorite person in the entire world! Since day one he has totally gushed all over her. He is the best uncle out of the 4 she has. Jason's brother Tom is rarely around, as is my older brother Dan...Mitch is wonderful with her, but he's just a little older and not as interested. If I needed a babysitter, he'd be there in a second. I have photos of Mitch changing MacKenzy's diaper when she was little....with a nasty brownie in her pants too!

Matt...he's her buddy! They play non-stop when we're visiting! He wrestles with her and he slips her treats when we're not looking.

I can now only hope and pray that the powers at be keep my brother safe and free of harm. Though maybe this kid thinks he's the worst kid ever, I know the real Matt and would put my life on it that he's a fabulous person! He would never intentionally go out of his way to make some else's day miserable. He's told my mom all along about the problems with this kid...its not as if Matt is instigating everything.

I love my Matty-cakes to death and can only hope for the best and be thankful for all of the smart people that may have deverted something awful already.

Money Back In the Bank

2006-10-02T12:34:00.000-05:00

After lots of work, our account is currently showing a postive balance...and our heart attacks have come to a hault

OVERDRAFT!

2006-09-29T11:31:00.000-05:00

Okay so all of us have had an overdraft or two...or three in our lifetime. Some of us have had three just this month, but who's counting!?!

Last night I was just falling asleep when the phone rang. I knew it was Jason so I had to answer it or he'd think we were dead! The first thing out of his mouth was, "Have you looked at our checking account lately?"

"No, why?"

"Because it's over $6,000 in the hole!"

"WHAT!!??"

For once in our lives we actually had a balance with mulitple thousands, and then it blows up in our face! We had an insurance claim last month and last week we finally deposited the check. For whatever reason my husband deposited it into our checking account, but then a few days later he transferred it into our savings.

The first thing I did when I got to work this morning was call Wells Fargo to see what the hell was going on! The 800 number customer service lady was very nice and sympathetic. After she reviewed the account she found that the error was the fact that I didn't endorse the check....the mortgage company did, Jason did, but I didn't. I forge Jason's name all the time, but apparently he didn't think to do that in return.

Customer service explained that insurance companies are very strict on their endorsements and this week they rejected the payment (she did mention that teller should have noticed this and refused to deposit it)....therefore pulling out $6,000 from our checking account. Mind you, the $6,000 was already transfered to our savings! Once the deduction was made checks and checkster card payments started bouncing! The bank was covering them, but charging us $33 for each overdraft. An additional $1,200 later, we're $6,200 in the negative. There's no word to explain the panic!

The customer service person said that the check was mailed to our house and that I just needed to sign it and deposit it again.........but in the meantime??? I was to contact the branch that it was deposited at and there too they were super apologetic. Apologies are nice, but money in our accounts are even better! The gal I spoke to at the branch said that they'd have to go through our account to figure out what our balance should be without the mishap...and we'd go from there.

I'm surprised that I'm not slaming anxiety drugs like candy....but I know we did nothing wrong and certianly didn't spend $6,000!!!

Paranoia

2006-09-25T15:55:00.000-05:00

I am normally not a paranoid person or at least I work really hard at not being that way.

One area I fail miserably in is that of friendships. If someone doesn't call when they said they would, or simply doesn't call at all...I start to wonder. What did I do? Did I piss them off somehow? Maybe they realized their other friends are more important and fun.

I know this sounds clingy and radiculous when you're on the outside looking in....actually I think it's radiculous but that doesn't stop me from doing it. As far as being clingy, it's not that at all...it's all about negative self-talk.

The more I analyze it all I've concluded that it has to be tied to my constant fear of failure. Failure in friendships are a direct reflection on me as a person.

I talk to my friend Chris most everyday; just to say hi or to discuss when we're going to hang out again. Chris is single, so often times she hangs out at our house and its as if she's one of the family. On Friday I called her during work to talk and to ask her if she'd go with to this thing I had to go to on Saturday night. When she answered she said that she was just going to call, but got super busy but would call me back in just a few minutes.

I didn't think of it again until I passed her on the road on my way home from work. I was on my phone talking to another friend, and she was on her phone too. After I hung up with my friend I called her and got her voicemail. I simply said to give me a call and that I had a question for her. I didn't hear from her until the following morning when I saw that she text-messaged me late at night.

All day Saturday I attempted to get a hold of her because I really didn't want to go to the thing by myself. Luckily I gave up hope and called my friend Jodi and she went with me. Sunday morning I found another late night text from Chris saying that she'd call later.

Sunday went by without a call and that is when the paranoia set in. This was not like her and I was starting to play mind games with myself. The more I thought about it the more that pit in my stomach began to quake and the anxiety set in.

This was simply brought on by a insecurity!! I thought my way to a mild anxiety attack! Argh!

This morning I had another text saying she'd call me at work today, and she did. She apologized for never calling me back and explained that she had a crappy weekend because of family issues.

Why do I do this to myself!!

Deal Breakers

2006-09-15T13:57:00.000-05:00

Today DOOCE wrote about deal breakers and it really made me laugh...so here I am doing the same.

The question posed:

“What are your relationship deal breakers? Some folks are annoyed if a date shows up ten minutes late. Others look for something weightier, like a felony record. Have you ever rejected someone over something that seems insignificant to your friends? Or do you have selective blindness for red flags?”

here's my top ten in no particular order:

1. Smoker or recreational drug user
2. Mustache
3. Shorter than me
4. Overly into his looks (looks at the mirror more than I do)
5. Likes Barbara Streisand (because he is SO batting for the other team!)
6. Has chest hair coming out of the top of his shirt (would prefer NO chest hair!)
7. Has a felony background
8. Moocher
9. Disrespectful of me...and anyone for that matter!
10. Bad teeth

The list could go on and on...

-Dirty hands
-Lack of personal hygeine
-Lack of any ambition for anything
-Negativity which goes along with no sense of humor
-Combovers and hair plugs
-Gangsta's and con artists
-Mama's Boy
-Doesn't have a drivers' liscense
-a lisp
-talks like he's in the movie "Dude Where's My Car ?"
- Dresses Goth style
-Starts fights with random people
-drinks heavily
-Drives a BIG truck with loud pipes....he's over compensating for something!

that's all for now.

That's a Good Boy!

2006-09-13T16:24:00.000-05:00

In May my husband brought home a black lab, though he knew I didn't want a dog. Not yet anyway. I love dogs, don't get me wrong. We used to have Abby:

Abby was MY first dog. Not the first dog I've ever had, but MY first dog. Some friends of ours had a Westie named Squirmmer and I loved that dog from the get-go! Funny thing is, I'm not a small dog person!

Well, the Febrauary before we had MacKenzy, Jason decided that we should just go ahead and get one. We found a breeder and a pup, and on Feburary 10, 2004 we brought home Abby!

Abby was awesome, and by WAS I mean she is no longer with us....she's still alive, just not living in OUR house. Abby loved MacKenzy, but didn't take to well to us giving the baby more attention than her. She didn't take it out on MacKenzy, but on Jason. No, not even me. He'd take her out to pee and she'd run off or she would just walk around and pee once they got back in the house.
Finally, on Christmas morning she signed her walking papers....she pee'd on the couch! We were all gathered around opening gifts and she jumped up on the couch like she was going to lay next to me, and instead she popped a squat! By December 30th she had a new home, but not without a lot of crying. Luckily we were able to give her to some friends of ours, so I still get to see her now and again. They absolutely SPOIL her and love her to death...that dog is in doggy heaven!

So with that said, I'm sure it explains my apprehension in getting another dog. To train a puppy is hard enough, but now I have a two year-old to think of too!

The rule was he couldn't get a dog until our sod was down. We were told we'd have it by the beginning of May so he found a litter that would be ready in mid-May. Well, mid-May came and our lot was still dirt. He couldn't very well back out on the dog...and I couldn't very well force him to...so the puppy came home. Jason knew I wasn't happy about it, but knew that I was "dealing with it."
I was not happy about having to help house break a dog while in the midst of potty training a child. I was not happy about a puppy peeing on our NEW carpet. I was not happy about having to be on top of a puppy to keep him from chewing on everything! And I wasn't happy about having to hear that damn thing BARK!

Ozzy has yet to grow on me and it has a lot to do with his barking. Up until maybe THIS WEEK (and he's 6 months old) he would start whining and barking every morning anywhere between 4am and 5:30am. Jason is forced to deal with it when he was home...but when he's on shift I'd have to...and have I mentioned that I'm NOT a morning person?

You couldn't just take him out to go pee, you had to feed him too....oh and then take him out again to do his business. Just when I'd fall back asleep, it was time to get up! UGH!

"Barking is that noise that the devil makes and is telling you to strangle your dog! " -me.

Well the last few nights have been noticably different...in a good way! Ozzy has figured out that I don't like getting up that early and that I'd prefer to feed him once I've decided to get up; not when HE decides its time!

If and when I get a picture of Ozzy that turns out I'll be sure to post it. It's hard to take a picture of something that is all black...your lucky if you can make out the eyes! Some day we'll be successful!

9/18/2006 Okay, Jason and Ozzy went hunting yesterday and Jason managed to get some shots of Ozzy... here:

Visual

2006-09-12T16:32:00.000-05:00

On my favorite site someone made a comment saying the following:

MAKES ME WANT TO ROLL YOU UP IN A WONTON WRAPPER AND DIP YOU IN A LOVELY DUMPLING SAUCE

The visuals alone made me laugh...

5 Years Ago

2006-09-11T11:31:00.000-05:00

With today being the 5 year reunion of 9/11 its hard to avoid thinking about it. I remember where I was in graphic detail, as if it happened just days or months ago.

KQRS (radio) has a grrrreat morning show and both my husband (fiance at the time) and I listened to it every morning. Just as I was pulling into the parking lot of my work Tom Bernard of the morning show said, "Oh My God, did you just see that? I'm sorry folks but we have a monitor on in here that scrolls world news and an airplane just flew right into the World Trade Center."

I sat in my car listening to the radio in disbelief. On the radio they were talking about it being some kind of weird accident. I couldn't believe it, it just seemed to unbelieveable. As we all know, a few minutes later another plane hit the other tower. "Another plane just hit!! Another plane just hit the other tower!" The speculation turned to a problem with air traffic control or maybe even, TERRORISM!!!

After the second plane hit I realized that I was then late for work and needed to get inside. As I walked to my desk I could tell that no one in the office knew what was going on. I unfortunately had to be the messenger... I was also the only person in the office with a radio so we tuned in just as the first tower fell. We tried getting online with NYC news stations or papers, but all sites were bogged down with traffic.

From that point on, the day was a blur. TV's were pulled into the lunch room, and people piled in to watch. No one was working, and no one cared...the big bosses were sitting there too.

The company I worked for had IT testing centers all over the world, and my territory happened to be the East coast. I got a phone call shortly after the second tower fell that sticks with me still today. A testing center administrator called bawling. She was calling from home, outside the city, and was practically begging me not to make her go into work. I was dumbfounded... this woman knew that she could get into trouble by not showing up to administer tests, but she was too afraid to leave her house. I told her not to worry, it would be fine and she should stay home until we knew more.

I seriously had been working for the company for 3 weeks on 9/11...and I was the first person in our GLOBAL company to realize that we had testing centers that were impacted....one was actually in the Trade Center! The strict rules didn't allow people to miss their tests...if they did, they lost their $300+. We had to restructure the rules...for the entire country, and especially for NYC and DC. A meeting was pulled together with the BIGGEST of BIG-WIGS...and little ol' me! They were all grateful for the fact that I had brought it up- super kudos to me for being fast on my feet.

The thing that still sticks out in my mind is the quietness of the skies. We are so used to hearing planes flying over head that we don't even really hear them anymore. For the days that the NO FLY rule was in effect it was CRAZY quiet! When you did hear a plane in the air, your heart raced! The only planes saw for days were fighter jets. Something straight out of Hollywood script.

It's really sad that it took something like this to pull a nation together, but I have to admit that still today it makes me feel good. People talked to complete strangers, smiled, and lived life how we all SHOULD. It's no longer like that, but it's something that we've all experienced and KNOW that it can happen.

Manic Monday

2006-09-11T11:01:00.000-05:00

I really don't want to be here today...more so than a normal Monday. I have a head cold from working outside in the yard on Saturday.

I barely sat down this weekend, so I'm really not ready...plus, I have a head cold. Way to start the cold season early!

This weekend was pretty gloomy outside. Friday night we had a wedding, and lucky for them it never acutally rained. Pictures in overcast weather always look better anyway! We had a late night (that included many fruity drinks) so naturally I'm swinging the door wide open to get sick. I was rudely awaken at 6am by a cheery 2 year old wanting to WATCH NEMO! She couldn't grant me the wish of watching it in the bedroom, where I could go back to sleep...no, she wanted to do it in the living room! Ugh. Within the hour she was grumpy and tired, but regardless of my attempts she would not go back to bed.

My husband got out of all this because he had to take 3 kids up to the ends of the earth. We live at the southern most point of the Minneapolis/St. Paul Metro Area. The place that he had to take these kids was actually a mile short of being the most northern point in the metro area. There's no way about it, it's a three hour event. He got back home just after I sucessfully put her down for a nap.

Childless for an hour plus...we decided to do yard work! Last weekend we planted all of our long overdue shrubs and flowers. We had planned on putting down "nice" mulch... meaning, not cheap stuff! The neighbors (our influence in getting our yard work done...since they only moved in a MONTH ago!) were laying the cheap stuff out of the bag and Jason looked at me and said, "Let's just do that!" We figure if it looks like crap next spring, THEN we'll spend the money. Why start high!!!??

By time we were prepped and ready to go it was after 5pm!!! Who starts their weekend yard work that late??? Well, we do... we did our planting that late too! Five hours later, we're using grill lights to put on the finishing touches.

I've wanted red mulch all along, and Jason has sworn that we need Golden. I don't like Red in every yard...but up against a green house I think it looks great! We actually faught about it a few months back. He routinely asks me what I want to do, and then when I tell him he tells me that it's all wrong. So I usually ask why he even asked me if he was going to do it his way all along!!!
Well, our selections for the "cheap" mulch were very limited....black, red, or natural. We both HATE natural only because it never looks fresh and new...it looks as though its been there for years. Black....uh, no. Red it is! When we were finished laying it all down HE SAID IT!

Hold on....I need the build up.....drum roll please!!!!

You Were RIGHT! I Should Have Listened To You!

Even though I know he'll never admit it outside of our house, or yard, but the fact that HE knows he was WRONG and I was RIGHT...that's all that matters! I can see it, 5-6 years down the road he'll try to tell me that he wanted Red all along, and I wanted the Golden!

Even if, I got to hear those GOLDEN words!

People!

2006-09-06T10:39:00.000-05:00

Okay, so today I hate being smart.

I'm not saying I'm smarter than you....or you, well...possibly you.

I work in an office with three people that are not computer literate. They (sometimes) know what they need to know to do their jobs, but beyond that the computer world is a complete mystery to them.

My boss, Jess, is the best out of all three. She takes it in stride that she doesn't know how to do things, but willingly tries to learn. Rarely does she call me back to her desk to help her figure out something. Even so, she tries to figure it out on her own before calling me.

The next two gals tie each other in the lack of computer skills department.

Marg will surf the web, but refuses to use e-mail. We have yet to figure out why, but my only explanation is that she's scared of looking inferior by asking for help. Today she was asking me to pull up something on Wells Fargo's website. What she wanted had been replaced with more current information and she was bound and determined that I wasn't looking in the right place! Because she's not the type to take NO for an answer, I went searched for her document playing along with the charade. She stood behind me and kept saying how she didn't understand why it wasn't showing up....I had to bite my tongue and just pretend I was as clueless as she was.

Then there's Chris...the annoyance that can make nails on a chalk board seem like music to your ears. Chris is in her 40's and has somehow made it through her life without any common sense. For the most part she knows how to use her computer, but as soon as something appears to be different than she's used to- she panics! For instance, earlier today she called me to ask how to open a Word document. I was stunned at the stupidity of the question! She went on to explain that the little yellow folder wasn't on her screen, and that's what she uses to open files. Seriously, she would have never made it the world before Windows became Moron-proof (but then again, she's testing it!).
I answered her mindless question by saying, "Go to File. Open."

"I already did, it wouldn't let me select Open!"

"Go anyway."

"Oh! There it is!"

See, being smart actually can be quite a bother. When challanged folks use me as their crutch! They eventually refuse to try and think it through, rather just call me and have me fix it!

Chris even has troubles with our copier/fax/printer. If the Error light is blinking she goes into shock! There are multiple reasons why this light would blink, and she's aware of all of them!

1. someone is trying to print something for manual feed, and there's nothing in the feed
2. it's out of paper
3. a document may require legal sized paper and it's set at letter size.

All Chris will do is open all of the paper drawers to ensure there is paper, if there is....she screams for me. Doesn't matter if I'm on the phone or engrossed in a pile of work, I must come to her rescue.

I've got to the point that I say, "If I fix it in under 5 seconds, you're buying me lunch!" She knows I'm not serious, but eventually I may have to be....just to force her to think for herself!

Accomplishments

2006-08-30T12:58:00.000-05:00

At my therapy appointment last week the therapist gave me homework. I need to write down what I want to accomplish by going to counseling. The homework is much harder than I had anticipated!

My mind races with things that I want to deal with, change, confront, and feel differently about. Mostly, I want to feel in control of my feelings and my well-being. I want to feel normal. I'm far from ever being normal, and that's not what I'm asking for...I just want to feel it! I'd prefer to feel it without medication, but if that's not possible I at least want to not feel so dependent on them.

My mind races all the time...all the time! I'm very good at muti-tasking because it's normal for me to be thinking about three things at once. It is practically impossible for me to turn my mind off. My therapist told me that its classic anxiety disorder. Everyone deals with anxiety, but there are those of us that take it to extremes!

Seriously! I worry about how we're going to handle kindergarten schedules and my daughter is only 2. I worry about the WHAT-IF's and what good is that?

As long as I can remember I've dreamt about work. When I was serving tables I'd wake up in a panic because I just recalled that I never brought someone their extra side of ranch dressing! HOURS BEFORE! When I worked in a convenience store in high school, I'd have dreams about mistakening $100 bills for $1 bills. My boss would figure it out and call the cops! Now I don't have the nightmares, but I do wake up remembering I didn't call someone back or mail something out...it never ends!

One of my biggest concerns is finding a comfortable ground in dealing with my mother. We have a very strained relationship where I am continually on the defensive. She doesn't respect me as I know she should, however I've never truly dealt with it and I really don't know where to begin.
I don't feel comfortable confiding in her because on countless occasions its come back to haunt me. I might be down because Jason and I are fighting and I'll say something ....something that at the time I see as completely harmless. Later she'll use it against me, making it out to be something more than it ever was. Making him out to be a bad person, or saying that I'm a push over.

Small talk isn't even something I like to do with her, near her, or with someone that she knows. Some how... Some way...it all comes back to haunt me! I might mention that we went to dinner or out with friends and she'll instantly comment on how we're never home and always out. Which is SO not the way it is!

Lastly, I want the ability to play with my daughter without thinking of the fact that I could be doing laundry, cleaning the bedroom, or paying bills. I want to do ONE thing at a time!

Anxiety

2006-08-17T13:37:00.000-05:00

Since 2001 I've been taking anti-anxiety medication. In hindsight, I should have been on it a long time before that. Growing up I never knew that my anxiety issues were any different from other people; I thought it was normal.

Looking back I can see how I dealt with the anxiety, and how if I had known that it wasn't normal things could quite possibly be different today. My fear of failure held me back quite a bit. I played that I was uninterested or I would start and give up in fustration. I wasn't exactly afraid of asking for help, but continuely asking was out of the question; I would appear as stupid and in turn, a failure. I didn't think this of other people, but had such high expectations for myself that it only pretained to me.

Criticism was my worst enemy. If someone criticized something I said or did, however innocent, it was a personal attack on me and I would basically be melting inside. I felt like I could throw up, cry, and punch someone all at the same time.

I rarely studied, though I was a good student. Possibly putting effort into something without an added return was basically yet another failure. Why try harder than I have to? If I can "get by" without giving more of myself I should be safe.

Then I went off to college. In all seriousness, I went to college because it was expected of me. I applied to two schools and was accepted to both; UofM-Duluth and UofM-Twin Cities. I played with the thought of going to Globe College for Graphic Design, but when I even mentioned it to my mom her reaction told me that it wasn't acceptable. God only knows if I read her correctly, I could have jumped to conclusions- but that's a big part of the anxiety! I jumped to conclusions based on the the "what if" factors! I seriously chose the Twin Cities campus over Duluth for one simple fact: hills. I drove a manual and was freaked out about having to drive it in Duluth! For those that have never been, the entire city is on the side of a hill. Regardless of where you go, you have to go straight up or down.

During my first few weeks of school I would lay in bed at night thinking of all the things that could go wrong back at home and at school. I had always been my mom's second set of eyes when it came to my younger brothers; what if something happened to one of them that could have been avoided had I been there! What if I went to my class and it had moved to a new classroom? What if I sat in a class for weeks only to find out that I was supposed to be in a completely different class! STUPID STUPID STUPID thoughts in hindsight, but they were all too real then. What I know now as anxiety attacks were an every night occurance as I lay there!

To add to the anxiety I started to deal with depression during my Sophomore year. On November 16, 1996 a good friend that lived across the hall from me committed suicide. I remember the day like it was yesterday, and now it's going on 10 years! It wasn't the first time I had ever dealt with suicide, a elementary school classmate and my grandfather had both taken their lives. In this experience we found her, we summoned help, and we had to deal with the fact that "had we only been a few minutes earlier!" Still today my heart sinks thinking of that day.

In the following months of my friend's death I contimplating leaving school and just leave life behind for awhile. Go West, South, or East...somewhere that wasn't there. The only thing that kept me in school was the fact that my other friends were going through exactly the same thing. At that point I stayed in school for all of the wrong reasons. From that point on I was there to earn a piece of paper, not the education. I went to class, did the work, and then escaped from campus.

The weekend my friend died was actually supposed to be the first time I would have met the man that is now my husband. It's weird to think that one is apart of the other. Two weeks following my friend's death I started my new job and was introduced to him. I remember that night being the worst night ever. It was the first time I had been away the comfort of my friends, and on top of that I was the new girl on the job. Still today I hate the first day of anything! Midway through the shift I had to take a break because I couldn't stop crying. A few years later I found out that everyone at work had been misinformed. They were told that MY roommate committed suicide (not that THAT would be any more or less painful!) so they were all surprised I was even there two weeks later. When I was the sobbing mess they all felt really bad for me.

My husband was actually my direct supervisor. He had been recently promoted, right before I started, because my older brother had demoted himself because he was moving. So for two weeks I worked with my older brother...which can actually be a bad thing.

Months after my brother left town, Jason and I started to casually date. We'd go out for breakfast after work (2am) and just sit and talk. Our first real date was in February of 1997, and he took me snowboarding. We spent the entire day on the bunny hill. Poor guy.

When word got to my brother that I was dating Jason, shit hit the fan. They weren't exactly friends. My older brother called my parents and told them that I was dating a complete ass and blah blah blah.

Since that day, having never even met Jason, they've had it out for him.

to be continued...

Work Crazies

2006-08-15T16:54:00.000-05:00

Okay, so if I've learned anything from Dooce (my favorite blog of all time) its not to blog about work...or the people at work. But its so damn hard considering I could write a sitcom based on some of the people I work with.

My good friend Cathie works in the office next door, so she fortunately doesn't have to deal with the crazies...but hears all about it. She's the one that actually joked that I should write a sitcom. We joke back and forth, but seriously it could really work if I could actually write! I know the OFFICE is already on, but I think this could be from a "Bridget Jones" type perspective.

I work with some of the most unstable people in the world; each their own way. Two of the "ladies" are just very unpredictable. One second they can be happy and laughing, and the next they'll bite your head off because you were nice enough to bring them their fax. Then there's "Christine"...

My boss and the girl who works in the next office are my saviors. When the others get to me I just email or visit them. Today Christine was sick, and drove me nuts all day. She was acting like a 5 year old that needed their mommy. A few mintues ago I vented and emailed "Cathie" next door:

Christine has a cold…and is an annoying BABY! First she tried to use my phone to pick up a call…and I jumped all over her, “Use your own phone! You’re sick!” I think I scared her! All day she’s been using Andi's computer and phone and I told Andi to get out the Clorox wipes!

I can’t count how many times she’s said that she might go home early today b/c she needs to rest. It’s flippin’ 4pm and she just said it to me AGAIN…
THEN GO!! Jesus Christ SHUT UP!

I asked her if she could draft a docment for me (I don’t know how!) and she’s like, “Oh can it wait until tomorrow…” I just answered by saying that I’d just have Sally do it instead….”no no, I’ll do it I just need to wait until she’s done with her appointment.” Why she would have to wait until she’s done with her appointment makes NO sense….Sally is NOT using her computer!

Earlier today she came up to my desk asking if I thought she should change the toner in the print because it said LOW TONER and it was printing really light. My response, “if you have to ask me, then you know the answer.”

WHAT THE F%*K!?! Only a child would ask such a dumb question!

God help us all while she’s sick because though we didn’t think she could get any more dense….she’s proving us all wrong!

Cathie said I should write a script for a sitcom with all the crap that goes on in this office.

I can see it...in a Bridget Jones way, with the absurd things that go on here! I would have endless amounts of things to write about!

I'm meant to make millions!

So Who's the Boss Now?

2006-08-09T14:37:00.000-05:00

Today I was reading my favorite site (dooce.com) and was compelled to write about the same topic...

My husband and I are currently going through nap/bedtime madness! There are a million people out there that will tell you how they got their little prince or princess to stay in their crib or to transition to a "big kid" bed, but what they forget is that every kid is different!

I have one of the strongest willed children I know. She knows how to push our buttons and she's TWO! I can only imagine the nightmares I'll be having when she's fourteen! She's wonderful for other people...but not for mommy and daddy!

About a month ago she started climbing out of her crib successfully...by that I mean she is able to conquer it every time she tries. When all of this started I bought a toddler bed and figured it was time to transistion. Easier said than done!

We've tried the SUPER NANNY techniques, read books, and tried everything but the duct tape and chicken wire...though it's been discussed! One night, knowing we had about 45 seconds until she was back out in the living room, we turned out every single light in the house thinking that the safety of her night light would send her packin'! We stood still in complete silence as her door opened and she walked right up to my husband and said, "Hi Daddy!" Our freaking kid can see in the dark!!

So obviously that was a failure, but we knew it was just the beginning of crazy attempts.

A couple weeks ago I rubbed my daughter's back as she lay peaceful in her big girl bed, but as soon as I stopped it was over. Well after my patience was depleted I opted back to the crib. For the next 20 minutes I stood there keeping her from shimming down her crib. I swore she would get tired and give up, but naturally I was the one that broke first!

Last week we thought we had finally won...boy were we wrong! She climbed out of her crib and laid on the floor next to the door screaming. She knows how to open the door, so we figured since she wasn't coming out she was fine with sleeping on the floor. We'd go in later and put her in her bed or crib. She screamed for about 10 minutes when my husband broke down and went into her room.

He found a half naked child...peeing on her carpet! !!!

She had clearly won that battle...but the war wages on!

Long Disturbing Road

2006-08-02T10:37:00.000-05:00

This past week has truly been a test of both my sanity and heart. We've been dealing with some family turmoil that is basically calling my husband the worst of worst things. I can't go into detail, not only because it's truly a personal issue but to protect my family.

My husband's side of the family, though completely messed up, has always been much more reliable than my own. For years we've had Sunday dinner at his grandmother's most every week. When football season rolls around we rarely miss a Sunday. My husband's cousin, husband and their daughter (who is 3 months older than our daughter) are there too. Once and awhile his other cousins, aunts and their husbands will stop in but mainly it's just our group.

This past week brought the Grand Canyon between the family, and it will never be the same again. The cousin (and her family) that we ate with most every Sunday, her sister, mother and her husband have disowned the remaining members of the family. They have done so because the remainder of the family is supporting my husband. Overnight they have made him out to be a criminal, and the rest of the family refuses to believe the allegations.

I can't say which is worse... the things they are saying about my husband or the fact that they have disowned his grandmother during all of this. She's supporting her grandson and they can't come to terms with that. Being 80+ years old she doesn't watch what she says and she said a few things she shouldn't have....but in the end SHE IS STILL THEIR MOTHER AND GRANDMOTHER! I don't get it.

Maybe it's just that I like to get beat up more than that??? My mom has said MILLIONS upon MILLIONS of unappropriate things, but still here I am putting up with it. She's my mother and regardless of how shitty she treats me, I know she means well. I know she is looking out for my best interest and just doesn't realize that she's actually hurting me. Maybe I'm the messed up one...I don't know.

My husband is in a lot of pain. During the first few days I was his rock, and then this week the roles shifted. I was stupid in thinking that I could e-mail his cousin and help matters...because it only blew up in my face. After doing so, I was a complete mess and didn't know which way to turn. He held my hand this time.

I believe my husband, I really do. I know he didn't do anything wrong because I know HIM. I do fear the worst because there really isn't a way to prove his innocence! I fear at what this could do to our marriage, and to my daughter. I've started questioning myself and I'm driving myself crazy. I'm not questioning his innocence, but questioning if I should take precaution from the worst.

No amount of medication can make me feel better right now.

Too Much Fun

2006-07-20T15:46:00.000-05:00

By the time we were done golfing, ceremonies were held, and beers had been drunk...I wasn't feeling any pain.

Jon, a loan officer, invited everyone over to his house to swim and hot tub.

Let's just say I made an impression...good or bad, I'm not certain.

For a brief second I considered going next door to Jess' house to barrow a swim suit, but my very next thought was to dive into the pool. A couple seconds I was joined in the pool by Chris and Louise...though they had on swimming trunks.

I have cuts and bruises today that I have NO idea how I got them, other than it was probably related to the diving contest we were having. It was nothing to do with grace and ability, and everything to do with being the most creative moran to hurt yourself entering the water.

Once we wore ourselves out we hung out in the hot tub. Around 10pm I felt well enough to drive home, though no one believes me. I was FINE! I would never drive drunk!

When I came into work today I got some interesting smirks. I look like worse than I feel!

Prozac Mommy Had Fun Last Night!

2006-07-20T15:08:00.000-05:00

Yesterday our company had an office outting. Last month we had to pick an event: golfing or spending the day out on the very lake our boat is parked on. Though I've always been a horrible golfer I decided to go that route.

At the lunch we found out who our teams were made up of. I had been begging the people in charge to PLEASE put me with my boss. I really needed to be with someone that would laugh WITH me at my golfing abilities rather than be humilated with people that I wasn't comfortable with. By total luck of the draw my wish was granted. Jess and I were partners and then Louise and Luke were our other teammates.

If anyone would have told me that I'd have fun golfing in the rain with co-workers I would have called them insane. Holy shit was I wrong! Just before our 12:30 tee time the clouds parted and we were able to get going. It did sprinkle once and awhile, but not until we were almost done did it really get bad again.

I seriously laughed so hard that my ribs hurt today...and not the same hurt you get from using certain muscles that you haven't used in the last decade! We couldn't have put a more fun group together intentionally! We were the perfect fit!

Louise is an avid golfer, Jess golfs now and again through out the season, Luke last golfed at the last company golf outting last year, and I haven't golfed since before I was married...so 4+ years ago. For a great golfer Louise was extremely encouraging and fun about the bad golfing skills. He was there for a fun time too! Jess was getting pissed because she kept topping her ball and driving 10'-20'. Luke could get great distance, but onto other fareways! I on the otherhand was the surprise of the day...I was giving Louise a run for his money. Since it was a scramble we worked together as a team, but it was always fun too see who had the best drives and puts.

I think I lost 2 balls all day...2 balls! There was a time I would have gone through all of mine, and yours, before calling it quits!

The best part of the day was all about Luke. I didn't know Luke before yesterday. I've seen him around, but never knew who he was. He's a job sup so we don't have any reason to know one another. Luke is the type of guy that can hang out with anyone and enjoy himself. Very easy going and very funny! We had started the day on the 16th hole, and at the 1st hole he made a name for himself: Swamp Ass!

All four of us tee'd off, Louise having the furthest drive and Luke the shortest. Though we weren't supposed to be driving on the grass (because of the massive amounts of rain we had just had) Louise proceeded to drive down the fareway to get Luke's ball. Smack dab in the middle of the fareway Luke ran from the cart to get his ball. No one saw it coming, but everyone sure enjoyed the moment. Luke hit an extrememly wet part of the grass and lost his footing. In slow motion everyone saw his feet go up in the air. With a huge splash he crashed to the ground. Had he been hurt we would of all looked like complete asses because before we even saw his reaction everyone in the line of site were screaming in laughter.

Luke actually named himself Swamp Ass. On his next drive he was commentating his own play, "And Swamp Ass is using his 7 iron..." I don't remember ever laughing that hard!

So after a great round of golf, which is still beyond me, we went into the clubhouse for a few more beers and snacks. After everyone else finished we had an awards ceremony. When Luke won his door prize we were happy to share his new name with the entire company!

My Kenzy!

2006-07-11T09:22:00.000-05:00

This is my little girl. She turned two on May 18, 2006.

The first picture is from July 3rd, when our town shot off their fireworks. This was the first time enjoying the "booms" and as you can see it was exciting for her. The fireworks were shot off across town, but we could see most of them from our driveway. (oh, and that's me holding her).

The next evening we went out on the lake and watched them. It was just as exciting but a little more scary at the same time. Being so close made them 100x louder!

This picture was taken the weekend before July 4th. Since she really doesn't recall being on the boat last year, she was head over heals about going on it this year.

Shrink 101

2006-07-10T13:39:00.000-05:00

Today I had my very first visit with a shrink. Over the last 6 months I haven't felt like myself, more or less I'm always tired and I don't have the motivation I need to get through the day. When I found myself dreading to be alone with my daughter is when it really hit me. I absolutely love Grayce to pieces and I can't imagine life without her, but why would I not want to be alone with her? The main reason was that I just didn't have the energy!

Six weeks ago I went to my Nurse Practioner and I brought up how I didn't feel as though my anxiety meds were working any longer. Yes life with building a new house is hell and potty-training a dog and 2-year old is even worse...so I had every reason to be wiggin' out! She asked me to go see the Psychiatrist to have him re-evaluate my medications.

Today is day one of the rest of my sane life...or is it? I want it to be...so we'll see.

My Debate

2006-06-27T13:22:00.000-05:00

When I started this blog I had no intention of naming names, but my own. Now I may never have a single person that reads this blog, but what if... My family and friends are apart of this against their knowledge. This is my diary of sorts. Though they are important factors do I really need to throw them out there into the blog world?

My favorite blog is Heather Armstrong's DOOCE. She talks about her family and friends openly and honestly...or so we are led to believe that.

So my resolve to this matter is to rename my family....either using their middle names or nicknames instead of their real names. Yikes. If it ever comes to where I want to name them as they should be....I will make that change.

Sick Day

2006-06-27T12:00:00.000-05:00

I went home from work yesterday sick.

I left at 3:30, so it was only an hour and a half early.

All day I felt PREGNANT! But I'm not! I was just nauseated and wanted to puke.

When I finally had enough, I decided to go home early. Remember when you got to go home sick, and actually go to bed? That went out the door two years ago when a little "responsibility" came into the world. I had to pick my daughter up at daycare before going home. As we pulled onto our street my husband was pulling out of the garage. He was going into work and won't be home until after 10pm. Ugh!

I tried to get my daughter to lie down for a short nap, so I could just close my eyes for a few minutes. From her room I could hear, "Mamma! Out! Mamma No Nap!" After about 10 minutes I brought her into my bed, turned on Finding Nemo and took in a cat-nap or two.

My biggest fear when needing to call in sick, or go home sick is my husband. I know I'm not the only woman out there where their husband doesn't understand a thing when you're sick. I have to give him kudos though, he was very good yesterday...but that is not normal! Normally I get the sigh of disappointment. When he's really irritated by me he'll go into a rant on how he works when he's sick...blah blah blah! So when I decided to leave work yesterday I prepared myself. The entire drive home, when I wasn't thinking about pulling over to puke, I was building up my speech. It would say that it's his own fault he chooses to work when he's sick.... Then I didn't need my speech! When I'm prepared he's nice, and when I'm not he'll catch me off guard!

That takes me to another interesting fact about my husband...his cleaning abilities. Yesterday he stayed home from his part-time job to clean the house. Our house is only messy because WE LIVE THERE! When we finish our basement we'll have twice as much room, therefore we won't be so crammed for space. We're constantly picking up toys and whatever the dog has chosen to bring out of our bedroom (i.e. my underwear, my bra, a pair of boxers, etc.). When I talked to my husband he informed me that he cleaned our bedroom, the master bathroom, the kitchen and living room. He gets a big thumbs up for the living room and the bedroom, but the other two rooms illustrate exactly what I mean.

THE KITCHEN: From a glance there's nothing to be seen on the counters, well except for crumbs and some sticky "whatever." Once you actually walk into the kitchen you then notice that the little counter space between the refrigerator and the pantry is stacked high with papers. Whatever had previously made itself home on the other counters were now moved to this 2' x 1' space! Then when you actually look at the table, it’s just as nasty as it was when I left in the morning. Our daughter's sticky handprints all over the place. If you were to set your elbows (naughty!) on the table, they'd surly stick!

THE BATHROOM: I will admit, I am a slob when it comes to the bathroom. I leave stuff sitting out that could easily put in their proper place. Yesterday when I got home, the counter was completely empty and wiped down. Where did everything go? In my bank of drawers. We each have one small drawer and two deep drawers for all of our stuff. One of his big drawers is actually mine too because he didn't need it. He threw everything into the first two drawers. When I say everything I mean e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. This morning I was getting ready I found a sippy cup with apple juice in my drawer! So that image of him taking his arm and simply sweeping everything into the drawer was realized!
Now is it just me or does cleaning the bathroom have more to do with actually cleaning, or hiding everything? When cleaning I would expect the toilet to be scrubbed, the shower at least wiped down, and the mirrors cleaned. None of these were done. Can you say, SURFACE CLEANER!

Day off!

2006-06-26T12:20:00.000-05:00

I took the day off on Friday! It was the best day to not be sitting in a freezing cold office!

My husband and I took our daughter to daycare and took our boat out on the lake (bad parents!). It's just no fun for me to take her with on the boat. While my husband drives, I have to keep her from going overboard. I just wanted to sit there and do nothing but enjoy the day.

We always drive around and dream. This particular lake has some very expensive properties on it, so we like to see what has been torn down and what has gone up. Our favorite spot on the lake was torn down last fall, and is now home to a monstrous construction site. The house going in looks awesome, but still makes us sad that the old one is gone. It was such a cute house, with a wrap-around porch. All the way around the porch were outdoor ceiling fans. It looked like the perfect place to take a nap. That's certainly our stipulation to any home on the lake. If I'm going to pay the taxes, I'm going to enjoy every bit of that house! I want to be able to nap on my porch with drink in hand!

My husband and I had a really nice time together. We actually sat there and talked like adults do. There were no phones ringing, no dogs terrorizing the child, and no child begging to be picked up. For the first time since the birth of our daughter, two years, we had down time together.

There were moments that I wanted to smack my husband though. Like all men, I'm sure, he was taking this moment is as a time to get a piece. I didn't want to start a fight, so I bit my tongue and dealt with it calmly. I wanted to say "Grow Up! We're having a nice time together and all you can think about it is getting laid!" Instead I said, "Why does this have to be about getting a piece? Can't we just have a nice time together?" He replied by saying that he was having a good time and that would make it even better! With a large frustrated sigh I said, "For you, not for me. I just want to spend time together. This is so nice, don't ruin it." End of discussion. Again I'm the bad guy, but come on! We get a couple hours together and that's all you can think about!?! I shouldn't have to point out that we were on the lake in full view of passer-bys and people on shore. No the lake wasn't really busy, but busy enough for my taste!

In the end, I ended up with a nice tan and he's lobster red. His one-track mind kept him from thinking to put on sunscreen onto his Scandinavian skin!

Happy Birthday...and Bub-bye 20's

2006-06-21T12:00:00.000-05:00

Today is my 29th birthday. I'm happy nor sad about the day. The only thought running through my mind is that I only have one year left of my 20's...shouldn't I be sad? Your 20's are supposed to be your carefree days, or do I have that mixed up with your college years?

When I look at all that's happened in the last year, I'm very pleased. We moved out of apartment living and into our own house. We built a house in a small town near my hometown. It's only about 25 minutes away from where we had been living for the last 6+ years. The new town is a small town and my husband grew up in the suburbs. This is a new experience for him. I on the other hand had vowed to never return to small town life...but here I am. In the first week or two that we lived in our new house, my husband went to the local drug store. He came home laughing because they were playing polka music in the store. He couldn't get over it and told everyone he knew.
Now that warm weather is upon us I'm being to remember the nice things about living in a small town. There are always kids playing in their yards and even in the streets. The kids can play without constant parental supervision because the neighborhood is so close knit. We go for walks and everyone says hi and asks how old our black lab puppy is. They don't care if your dog goes pee on your lawn, because later in the day their dog will be doing the same on your lawn. When we're at the park other parents strike up conversation with you! I guess I can deal with this small town living after all.

Since moving into our new house we've had some financial ups and downs. Namely, money gets tight my husband gets a nervous twitch. We've been paying off some of our old debt, and in turn tightening up our cash flow. This kills him because he's a compulsive shopper. Yes, I said that "HE" is the shopper! I hate malls and stores and only go when I need to. He could spend hours inside Target or Best Buy. Me, I just want to get to the exit as fast as possible. Especially when I have a two year old in tow.

My husband asked me what I wanted for my birthday...and I debated on what to say. Really, I don't want anything...I need some stuff, but want is such an unpredictable word. I want a car that was made AFTER I graduated from high school, but would prefer that it be AFTER I graduated from college. I'd like a massage, but need a few extra hours of sleep. I'd like to have a girls night out, but could settle on a movie night in.
When I said I didn't want anything for Mother's Day, that's what I got. He did give me three cards: one from him, my daughter, and the dog. I got what I asked for though so I can't complain. So with that, I didn't say what I wanted but told him to think of things that I need.

Life and Death

2006-06-20T14:10:00.000-05:00

Yesterday on my way home from the office I managed to beat death by a mere millimeter or two...and I'm not exaggerating! I was following behind a dump truck where the driver thought I should be able to read his mind on his intentions.

At this point either my professional driving skills or luck kicked in because there is no logical reason why I'm here today to tell the story.

The driver of the gigantic dump truck decided that he had the right of way of the entire road. Just as the construction area ended the lanes broke from one to two and a turning lane. He gunned it to the left and I kept going straight. There was obviously some kind of communication error between his vibes and mine because all of the sudden he gunned it for the right...right into me. There was no way out of it. Before I knew it his bumper was headed for my side window, otherwise known as MY HEAD. This is when my ability to maneuver a car around any obstacle came into play. Somehow I managed to slam on the gas, get up on the curb and get past him. We never touched, though there's no way to explain it.
As I watched in my rear-view mirror he sat there for a second, obviously yelling to himself about those damn women drivers. Then he turned his truck back to the left side of the road. He was basically taking an extended WIDE TURN.
He didn't signal, he didn't even slow down- that would have warning enough for me!

As I kept on down the road I was amazed at my composure. I wasn't shaking or even out of breath, I was simply going over what just happened to try and understand it.

Here we go again...

2006-06-19T16:40:00.000-05:00

I can never get myself to keep up with a blog. I love reading them, and think about all the things I would post, but when it comes down to it I can't stick with it.

I'm a big fan of DOOCE and could only wish to aspire to her greatness!

I just want to take from what I've read from Heather and give myself something to look back onto. I love her monthly newsletters to Leta, and would love to do the same.

I will once again try to stick it out. I will write at least once a week. Nothing whitty required. I just want to document the days and my daughter's progression. I want to remember the little details some day!

So here goes...